Garth Marenghi's Darkplace
2004
Garth Marenghi: (reading an extract from one of his novels) "John looked down and was horrified to see that his hands had fallen off and been replaced by maggots. Maggots. Maggots. Maggots. Maggots. (turns the page) Maggots...
Garth Marenghi: I realized that man needs to keep in touch with his primal urges, whether through sport or through violent movies. Otherwise, we'd end up like Bill Wyman.
Dean Learner: She was like a candle in the wind... unreliable.
Garth Marenghi: The broccoli had gone. But the hurt remained.
Garth Marenghi: With this show, I wanted people to laugh and cry... and shit themselves all at the same time.
Thornton Reed: (after firing a shotgun to break up a bar brawl) Knock it off you two, this is a hospital!
Dean Learner: If he gets word of this my arse is grass and he's got a lawnmower if you know what I mean?
Padre: (to Dr Rick Dagless) You're the most sensitive man I know, and I know god.
Thornton: I need to crack this, Dag, cos if not, Won Ton will be all over me like knockers in a wind tunnel.
Lucien: Not my fault. Monkey bastard hands!
Dr Rick Dagless: I'm finding food a real bore at the moment. Dr Lucien Sanchez: What I do is sometimes get a tin of soup, heat it up, poach an egg in it, serve that with a pork pie sausage roll. Dr Rick Dagless: I'll get a Wimpy.
Padre: If you need me I'll be right here in the vestry, if not I'll be out in the jeep.
Padre: (opens arms to give Dag a hug) Come on, come to Padre, embrace the infinite.
Dr Rick Dagless: What's this? Dr Liz Asher: A dreamcatcher Dr Rick Dagless: What's a dreamcatcher? Dr Liz Asher: It's like a wind chime. Dr Rick Dagless: Then why didn't you say wind chime?
Dr Rick Dagless: (talking to mother about hospitalized son) He's a good kid, you've got to keep him off the smack though or this will keep happening.
Garth Marenghi: As a horror writer I don't ask for much. I just hope I've changed then way you think about life.
Dean Learner: Garth is the most significant artist that I've worked with and I've worked with Lulu and four other people, so were talking crème de la crème.
Garth Marenghi: I've always loved the great tragedies, King Lear, The Poseidon Adventure, Superman 2.
Dr Liz Asher: (talking about a patient that has turned green) Apparently she was in for a routine operation to get her toe shortened which was really long like a finger, the next thing she knew this happened. All in all you could say that she's a little off color. (Thorton, Liz, and Dagless all laugh) Dr Lucien Sanchez: (shouts) You shut your mouth Liz! Dr Rick Dagless: No you shut your mouth Sanch, that was funny.
Thorton Reed: I've been there hombre, when I heard my wife died I could barely finish my lunch.
Dr Sanchez: I know "mon" means man, but I don't think "Och" means anything.
Garth Marenghi: I have never exploded. But I know what it would be like. Don't ask me how. I just know. I've always just known. Dean Learner: Now I don't know whether someone close to Garth had exploded - whether it was a colleague or a pet - but you could tell that scene meant a lot to him. There were tears on set. Not from Garth. He was strong for the crew. But I wept. I'm not ashamed of that.
Dean Learner: I had a cat once. I dropped a safe on it. It was a write-off, so I stood on its head.
Thornton Reed: (firing a shotgun at possessed kitchen equipment hovering outside his office window) Hurry up, Liz, I can't hold these plates off forever!
Dr Rick Dagless: What I couldn't work out was how he'd managed to make another man pregnant. I guess we'll never know. So, just to restate, that is something we'll never know, you're not going to find out later.