A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum

1966

Hero: People do not go around freeing slaves every day. Pseudolus: Be the first. Start a fashion.

Lycus: If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times; do not fan the girls when they're wet! But you'll never learn, you'll be a eunuch all your life.

Domina's Mother: Gone to see a nose-grinder, indeed. He's cavorting with those courtesans. Domina: But Mother, what can I do? Domina's Mother: Return to Rome immediately, before he can do what no doubt he's already done. Go!

Domina: A common flesh-peddler in the house next to ours, disgusting! Senex: Disgraceful, all that revolting flesh. Just next door...

Domina: That breeder woman, has she been thrown a mate yet? Hysterium: Alas, she refuses just any slave. She demands to choose. Senex: Choose? She'll breed and like it, like everyone. Well, almost everyone.

Hysterium: I live to grovel.

Hysterium: Rather than let you down, I would die. Domina: That is what I had in mind.

Pseudolus: An honest virgin! What a terrible combination!

Senex: A word of advice: never fall in love during a total eclipse.

Pseudolus: I shall return in a nonce. At most, two nonces.

Hysterium: My father is rolling over in his grave. Pseudolus: Your father is alive. Hysterium: This will kill him.

Erronius: My daughter's a eunuch?

Hero: Hysterium, this is Philia. Hysterium: Never mind who she is! Who IS she?

Lycus: Is it contagious? Pseudolus: Have you ever seen a plague that wasn't?

Miles Gloriosus: Arrange food, drink, entertainment, and a sit-down orgy for forty.

Miles Gloriosus: Oh, her bridal bower becomes a burial bier of bitter bereavement! Pseudolus: Very good! Can you say "Titus the tailor told ten tall tales to Titania the titmouse"?

Miles Gloriosus: What is she like? Pseudolus: A face so fair, a heart so pure -- Sir, if you had been born a woman, you would have been she! Miles Gloriosus: As magnificent as that?

Miles Gloriosus: You, slave, will be torn apart by horses, to the plaudits of the troops and the amusement of the children.

Philia: That's the brute who raped my country, Thrace! Pseudolus: He raped Thrace? Philia: And then he came and did it again! And then again! Pseudolus: He raped Thrace thrice?

Pseudolus: We'll need a body. Anybody's body. Hysterium: Can you get one from Gusto the Body Snatcher? Pseudolus: He owes me a favor! But he died yesterday. Hysterium: Uh -- what about HIS body? Pseudolus: Somebody snatched it. Uh, let's see... who do we know that's dead?

Domina: Forgive me for ever having mistrusted you, my darling. But you HAVE been a little distant these past 29 years.

(Examining a wine bottle.) Pseudolus: Was 1 a good year?

Centurion: It's against Roman law to take one's life. Penalty's death.

Pseudolus: You must never know what goes on in that house. Hero: But I do know. Pseudolus: You do? Isn't it _amazing_?

Pseudolus: Wait! Hero: Yes? Pseudolus: A brilliant idea! Hero: Yes! Pseudolus: That's what we need, a brilliant idea.

Hero: For us there will never be happiness. Philia: We must learn to be happy without it.

Pseudolus: What can happen in an hour or two? Hysterium: At his age, the mind boggles!

Pseudolus: (disguised as a soothsayer) I say! You are in need of a soothsayer. Erronius: How did you know? Pseudolus: I'd be a fine soothsayer if I didn't.

Miles Gloriosus: I cannot afford to offend the gods. Pseudolus: Who can?

Senex: Son, if you're only as happy as your mother and I have been... my heart bleeds for you.

Pseudolus: Calm yourself down! I'll tell you when it's time to panic! Miles Gloriosus: I smell mischief here! Pseudolus: (beat) It's time.

Miles Gloriosus: (shouting) Stand aside everyone! (pause) I take large steps.

Pseudolus: Don't you know? When they start to smile, the end is near. I hear it's lovely on Crete. Everyone lying there... smiling.

Lycus: I'll kill him! I'll kill him! Crassus: Who? Lycus: The lyingest, cheatingest, sloppiest slave in all Rome! Crassus: Oh, Pseudolus.

Pseudolus: Don't you think it's time we started trusting each other? Hysterium: One of us isn't ready yet.

Hero: Then receive oh bosom my fatal blade! (tries to stab himself and misses) Pseudolus: (snatches the knife away) Behave yourself!

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