Phoebe: I'm not sure about buying a mattress from Janice's ex-husband. It's like cheating on Chandler Monica: Not at these prices.
Phoebe: Chandler still thinks I'm pregnant and he hasn't asked me how I'm feeling or offered to carry my bags. I feel bad for the woman who ends up with him.
Ross: I would date her but there is a big age difference. Joey: Well think about it when you're 90... Ross: I know, she'll be 80 and it won't be such a big difference. Joey: No. What I was gonna say is when you're 90 you'll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old.
Monica: Hey. Where is he, where's Richard? Did you ditch him? Joey: Yeah right after we stole his lunch money and gave him a wedgie. What's the matter with you, he's parking the car.
Phoebe: (Right after playing a song in the coffee shop) If you want to receive e-mails about my upcoming shows, then please give me money so I can buy a computer.
(Joey comes out from his room wearing ridiculous clothes. He has to look nineteen for an audition) Joey: 'Sup? 'Sup, dude? Chandler: (putting his hands up) Take whatever you want, just please don't hurt me. Joey: So, you're playing a little Playstation, huh? That's whack. Playstation is whack. 'Sup with the whack Playstation, 'sup? Huh? Come on, am I nineteen or what? Chandler: Yes, on a scale from one to ten, ten being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely nineteen.
(Monica's been leaving candy for the neighbors outside her door, and they got hooked on it) Chandler: Hey! Pipe down! This woman tried to do a nice thing so she could get to know all of you and I bet not one of you can tell me her name. Neighbor: ... Candy lady? Chandler: Okay, that's it. Go home! You ruined it! Joey: Yeah, you ruined it! You ruined it! (goes inside the apartment, and starts eating the candy) Monica: Thank you. I was really scared for a minute, I mean, somebody slipped a threatening note under the door. Joey: (takes note) Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. Mob mentality...
Ross: (receiving his Christmas gift) You got me a cola drink. Chandler: And a LEMON LIME. Ross: You shouldn't have. I feel like I should get you another sweater. Joey: And last but not least. (Monica receives her gift) Joey: They're RIBBED FOR YOUR PLEASURE.
Chandler: All right, look if you absolutely have to tell her the truth, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbeds are for.
Rachel: I use my breasts to get other peoples attention. Monica: WE BOTH DO THAT.
(pounding a scone) Ross: Stupid British snack food. Chandler: Did they teach you that in your anger management class?
(In response to a stupid comment) Chandler: You have to stop the Q-Tip when there's resistance.
Ross: You know how at the end of the day, you throw your jacket over a chair? Joey: Yeah? Ross: Well at her place, instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived.
Rachel: Hey, just so you know: it's *not* that common, it *doesn't* "happen to every guy, " and it *is* a big deal! Chandler: (pointing) I *knew* it!
(after Monica gets a disastrous haircut) Ross: How's Monica? Phoebe: She's calmed down a bit. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling. Ross: How's the hair? Phoebe: I'm not gonna lie to you Ross. It doesn't look good. Joey: Can we see her? Phoebe: No, your hair looks too good. I think it would only upset her. Rachel: Oh. Phoebe: Ross, you can go on in.
Monica: Thanksgiving tomorrow four o'clock. (to Rachel) Guess who I invited? Do you remember that guy Will Cobert from high school? He was in Ross' class marching band. He was kinda overweight... really overweight... I was his thin friend. Rachel: Wow. I don't remember him. Honey, are you sure you're not talking about your imaginary boyfriend? Monica: No that was Jared. Wow. I haven't though about him in a long time.
Monica: Also, just so you know, I'm not making a turkey this year. Joey: What? Monica: Well, Phoebe doesn't eat turkey... Joey: Phoebe. Phoebe: Turkeys are beautiful, intelligent animals. Joey: No, they're not. They're ugly and stupid and delicious.
Chandler: Oh, yeah, I'm a gym member. I try to go four times a week, but I've missed the last... twelve hundred times.
Rachel: So are things between you and Joey getting any better? Chandler: It couldn't get any worse. Last night, I spent eight hours calling him, trying to get him to talk to me. Rachel: Oh, wow. Eight hours. So you could probably really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets, huh? Ross: Should we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen from your office? Rachel: You shouldn't.
Chandler: I can't take it any more! So you win, okay? Pheebs? Flying a jet? Better make it a spaceship so that you can get back to your home planet! And Ross, phone call for you today - Tom Jones, he wants his pants back! And Hornswoggle? What? Are you dating a character from "Fraggle Rock"? Ahh.
Monica: And now you have to leave, and I have to live with a boy!
Judy Geller: Well, he better not come by here. He can't see the bride in the wedding dress. Nora Bing: As I recall, when we got married, I saw the groom in the wedding dress. Charles Bing: But that was after the wedding. It's not bad luck then. Nora Bing: Honey, it isn't good luck.
Rachel: Wha... married? Ross: Well, yeah, I think we should get married! Rachel: What? Because that's your answer to everything?
Ross: Oh. *Oh*. Thank God, most women don't even feel them. Rachel: Okay, no uterus, no opinion.
Ross: You know, we should probably ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half human, half *pure evil*!
Rachel: ... How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine? Dr Long: Three. Ross: Just three? I'm dilated three!
Amy: You know what would be great? If you guys died! Ross: Thank you, Amy!
Mike Hanigan: Aren't you going to introduce me? Phoebe: This is my husband... Crap Bag. Mike Hanigan: If you need help remembering, just think of a bag of crap.
(Will gives a cake to Monica) Will: It's no fat, no sugar, no dairy... It's no good, throw it out.
Monica: This is my husband Chandler. Chandler, this is Will. Chandler: Hey, I'd shake your hand but I'm into the game, plus I think it would be better for my ego if we didn't stand right next to each other.
Ross: So what are you up to? Will: I'm a commodities broker. Ross: Really? That sounds interesting? Will: Yeah, no, it's not but I'm rich and thin.
Monica: Can you help me fold these napkins? Phoebe: Sure. Monica: I'm gonna go across the hall and check on the yams. (Notices the way Pheobe is folding the napkins) No... no honey... Not like that, we're not a barn dance. You wanna fold them like swans like I showed you at Christmas, remember? Phoebe: Yeah. It all came screaming back to me.
Chandler: It's been a while since we've yelled something... Maybe we should... No. Phoebe: What? No. Damn you ref. Burn in hell.
Chandler: All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole." Joey: Okay. (He gets up and takes the cushions with him, as he starts to leave) Chandler: What are you doing? Joey: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything about the cushions. Chandler: The cushions are the essence of the chair. Joey: THAT'S RIGHT. I'm taking the ESSENCE. Chandler: Oh-ho, he'll be back. Oh-ho, there's nobody in the room.
(after Chandler Bing has slapped him on the butt) Ross: Dude, what are you doing?
Phoebe: (Phoebe is looking at an apartment across the street) Look, Rachel, you can see into your apartment. What's going on? What are Chandler and Monica doing? Rachel: I don't know. Phoebe: My, God! They're taking their clothes off! Oh, my God, they're having sex! Chandler naked! My eyes, my eyes! I can't see! I'm blind!
Phoebe: (Phoebe has been hired to sing in a children's program at the library) Oh, Grandma is a person that everyone likes, / She bought you a toy train and a bright shiny bike, / But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner, / The last time you saw her she looked a lot thinner. Now your parents told you she moved to Peru, / but the truth is she died and someday you will too.
Phoebe: (singing in the children's program at the library) Someday you'll want to sleep with people so they'll like you, / But that's another thing you won't want to do, you won't want to do. Everybody, you won't want to do, you won't want to do. Monica: Excellent! Chandler: Very informative! Rachel: Not at all inappropriate!
Ross: Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-alike contest and *won*! Chandler: Ross came fourth and cried!
Monica: You don't like the game, because you suck at it. Chandler: I don't suck at it. It sucks. And you suck.
Rachel: (after telling him that Pheobe said that there was something wrong with the plane's "fillange") Sir, what are you doing? Guy sitting next to her: I'm getting off this plane. I can't go on a plane if there's something wrong with its "fillange". Stewardess: Sir, sir! That's OK, this plane doesn't have a "fillange". Guy sitting next to her: Oh, my God! This plane doesn't even *have* a "fillange"!
Phoebe: (Imitating someone really annoying) "Oh, I slept with Billy Joel." Who hasn't?
Ross: What the hell are you doing, you scared the crap out of me!
Joanna: What are you doing? Chandler: I'm getting dressed. Joanna: Why? Chandler: When I walk outside naked, people throw garbage at me
Ross: What are you doing? Chandler: Making chocolate milk. You want some? Ross: No thanks, I'm 29.
Ross: Oh, really? Well, I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City. Chandler: Du-ude! Monica: What happened in Atlantic City? Ross: Well, Chandler and I are in a bar... Chandler: Did you not hear me say, "Du-ude"? Ross: ... and this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after a while he just goes over to her and, uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what you're thinking. Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls. And you're right. Chandler's not the type of guy just goes to bars and makes out with girls. Monica: You kissed a guy? Oh my God. Chandler: In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy.
Benjamin Hobart: Well, yes and no. Yes, I did say it, and no, I didn't not say it.
Rachel: The "I Hate Rachel Green Club"? Who was in this club? Will: Me and Ross.. Ross: There's no need to point; she knows who Ross is. Rachel: Ross! Who else? Ross: Well, there was that exchange student from Thailand, but I don't think he really understand what it was. Rachel: (to Monica) Did you know about this? Monica: I swear I didn't know. Wait a minute; is that why the two of you used to go into your room and lock the door? Ross: (ashamed) Uh, yes. Monica: Gotta tell you; that's a relief.
Amy: (about Rachel's baby) Aw, isn't that sweet? Rachel, she has your original nose.
Phoebe: (Phoebe returns to Eric's apartment after having to leave) Ready to pick up where we left off? Eric: I don't know. I'm still kinda tired from this afternoon. Phoebe: This afternoon? Eric: Yeah, you know, all the sex this afternoon. Phoebe: We did not have sex this afternoon! Eric: Yes, we did! Phoebe: No we didn't! Eric: Well, it was either you or (realization dawns) someone who looked an awful lot like you. Phoebe: Ew! You had sex with Ursula! Ew, ew, ew! This is just too weird!
Monica: (about the rumor Will and Ross started about her in high school) Rachel, everybody in school heard the rumor. Rachel: You knew and you didn't tell me! Monica: Well, I was afraid it might be true, you'd cry and then show it to me! Chandler: Wait a minute, we heard that rumor in my high school! You were the hermaphrodite cheerleader from Long Island?
Chandler: (after a resident has come on to Monica) Is there anyone in this building who hasn't tried to hit on you? Monica: Well, there's Smokes-too-much-Lady (thinks) Wait a minute, yesterday in the laundry room; I guess not.
Rachel: (throws off her light blue robe and gasps at herself, completely naked) Oh! Look what happened... (looking about, thinking to herself) Check me *out*. I'm in my kitchen... *naked*. (shrugs, picks up an orange) I'm pickin' up an orange... and I'm *naked*. (puts the orange down, heads over to the couch with a smile) I'm lighting the candle... *naked*. And carefully.
Monica: Phoebe, you know what I'm thinking? Phoebe: OK (thinks a moment) You haven't had sex in so long that you wonder if they have changed it? (notices the look on Monica's face) Not even close, huh? Monica: No, but now that you've mentioned it, that is what I'm thinking.
Ross: (Rachel has just met Ross's Asian girlfriend) Rachel, this is Julie. I met her in China. (notices Rachel has brought flowers) What are those? Rachel: Oh, these? (begins speaking slowly and distinctly to Julie) These are for you; welcome to our country. Julie: (slowly and distinctly) Thank you; I'm from New York.
Joey: (Joey, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica are in Chapel in Vegas after Rachel and Ross got married) Well, what happened, did we miss it? Chandler: Well, we actually missed it. Phoebe: (with clenched teeth) Well, maybe you wouldn't have if you could run in the chapel!
Ross: After you told me that she was passed out in our room, I went in there to make sure she was alright. She was lying on my bed, all buried in people's coats. Well, I went to kiss her on the forhead but it was so dark I accidentally got her lips. I started to pull away but then I felt her kissing me back. It was only for a second but it was amazing. And now I found out that you kissed her first! Chandler: Wait, what bed did you say she was on? Ross: Mine. Chandler: I'm pretty sure I put her on my bed. Ross: No, she was defintely on my bed. Chandler: Why would I kiss a girl and then put her on your bed? Ross: Well then who was on my bed? Monica: Oh! Oh! Oh! Ross: No! No! No! Monica: Yes! Ross: You were under the pile of coats? Monica: I was the pile of coats. Ross: Oh my god! Monica: You were my midnight mystery kisser? Ross: You were my first kiss with Rachel? Monica: You were my first kiss ever? Chandler: What did I marry into?
Rachel: Off to see young Ethan? Monica: Thank you. Joey: How young is young Ethan? Young? Monica: He's... our age. Chandler: When we were? Monica: Okay, he's a senior in college. Ross: College? Chandler: Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how old you are? Monica: No, of course not. it's not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22. Rachel: What? Monica: Oh, I can't pass for 22? Phoebe: Well, maybe 25-26. Monica: (getting annoyed) I am 26. Phoebe: There you go.
(Erica has just given bith to a baby boy) Monica: Oh my God, he's beautiful. Thank you so much. Erica: I'm really happy for you guys. Chandler: How do you feel? Erica: I'm tired. Dr Harad: Well, you don't have that much time to relax. The other one will be along in a minute. (Chandler stares at the doctor, completely shocked. Monica just freezes and turns around slowly) Monica: I... I'm sorry, who should be along in a what now? Dr Harad: The next baby should be along in a minute. Monica: We only ordered one! Dr Harad: You know it's twins, right? Chandler: Oh, yeah! These are the faces of two people in the know!
Doctor: (after delivering the twins that Monica and Chandler are to adopt) You mean you didn't know? Chandler: Do these look like the faces of people in the know?
Chandler: Great. Now we can go to the Ranger game. That was last night. Joey: No dude, Ross tore up the tickets.
Monica: Ross we better stick to the routine; we don't want to look stupid.
Rachel: Who the hell are you? Gavin Mitchell: Who the hell are you? Rachel: I'm the hell person whose office this is.
Ross: Can I borrow your blue tie? Emma spit on mine. Chandler: Okay, but you'll have to give it back when I get a job. Of course, by then, ties will be obsolete and we'll all be wearing silver jumpsuits.
Rachel: Can you take care of Emma just for today? Ross: Sure, just lend me your breasts and we'll be on our way.
Monica: Guys can fake it? Unbelievable! The one thing that's ours!
Monica: Hi. Chandler: You are not gonna believe what I did today. Monica: Well, clearly you didn't shower or shave. Chandler: I got good. I played this game all day and now I rule. They should change the name to Ms Chandler. (pause) Although, I hope they don't. Monica: Wait a minute, you staid home all day playing Ms Pacman, while I was at work like some kind of chump? Chandler: Yeah, and I got all the top ten scores and erased Phoebe off the board. High five! Monica: What is the matter with your hand? Chandler: Well, I've been playing for like eight hours. It'll loosen up, come on check out the scores. Oh, and also look at the initials, their dirty words. Monica: Chandler, why would you do that? Chandler: Because it's awesome. Monica: You think this is clever? Chandler: Well, they only give you three letters, so after A.S.S., it is a bit of a challenge. Monica: Wait a minute, this one's not dirty. Chandler: Well, it is, when you put it together with that one. Monica: Oh, well, if you don't clear this off, you wont be getting those from me. Ben's coming tomorrow over to play this game, this can't be there. Chandler: Come on, he wont even know what they mean. Monica: He's seven, not stupid. Chandler: Have you talked to him lately? Monica: All right, I'm just going to unplug it... Chandler: No, no, no, if you'll unplug it, then there will be nothing to show from my day. It would be like I was at work! (Monica unplugs it) Look at that, look at that, it's still there, this thing must have a primitive ROM chip! Monica: You gotta beat your scores. Chandler: With the claw? Monica: Fine, I'll do it. We gotta get this off the screen. Carol and Susan are still upset that you taught him "Pull my finger". Chandler: Pull my finger... my hand is messed up!
(Rachel and Phoebe have Ross pinned to the ground after he tried to scare them back) Rachel: Say it. Say we are unagi. Ross: It's not something you are, it's something you have!
Joey: I hate Pottery barn too! They kicked me out of there just because I sat on a bed. Chandler: You took off your pants and cimbed under the sheets!
(ater Ross has bragged about having "unagi") Phoebe, Rachel: (sneaking up from behind Ross, shouting) Danger! (Ross screams) Rachel: Ah, salmon skin roll.
Ross: According to Chandler, what phenomenon scares the bejesus out of him? Monica: Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance! Ross: That is correct. Joey: The Irish jig guy? Chandler: His legs flay about as if independent from his body!
Phoebe: Hey. Why isn't it Spiderman? You know, like Goldman, Silverman. Chandler: Because, it... t's not his last name. Phoebe: It isn't? Chandler: No. It's not like Phil Spiderman. He's a spider man. You know, like Goldman is a last name but there's no gold man. Phoebe: Oh, oh okay... Phoebe: There should *be* a gold man!
Joey: That Porsche I've got the keys to, still there! Chandler: Chocking, since you still have the keys!
Chandler: I'm gonna be moving out, so you are gonna be in charge of paying the rent. Joey: Right! And when is that deal? Chandler: First of the month. Joey: And that's every month? Chandler: No, just the months you actually want to live here.
Rachel: (Chandler has been left pantsless and handcuffed to the desk by Rachel's boss) You know what, Chandler? You got yourself into those 'cuffs, you get yourself out. Chandler: I can't! You must have me confused with "The Amazing Chandler!"
Rachel: (Chandler has been left pantsless and handcuffed to Rachel's boss's desk. Rachel has grudgingly agreed to release him) You promise you will never see Joanna again. Chandler: Never. Rachel: You will never set foot in this office again. Chandler: No. Rachel: You'll give me back my Walkman. Chandler: I prom... I never borrowed your Walkman. Rachel: (pause) Well, then I lost it, you buy me one! Chandler: You got it! Come on! Rachel: (unlocks cuffs. Chandler rubs wrists where cuffs were) Does it hurt? Chandler: No, I just see guys doing this when they get cuffs taken off. (runs over to office door where his pants are hanging) Hello, sweet pants! Rachel: Wait a minute! How are you going to say you got out? Chandler: I'll make something up. I'm good at lying. I actually did borrow your Walkman.
Ross: We were on a break! Chandler: Oh, my God! If you say that one more time, I'm going to break up with you!
Ross: (leaning over and talking to Rachel's lap) I can't wait to play with you all day, and to hear your first words. Phoebe: (wide eyed) Why are you letting him talk to your crotch that way? Rachel: He's talking to the baby. Phoebe: Oh, that's good. Because when I heard, "I can't wait to hear your first words" I thought, "Boy that's some trick!"
Chandler: (after Rachel opens Ross's gift) Oh, c'mon Ross. Remember back in college when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck? Rachel: What did you just say? Chandler: (long pause as he realizes what he just said. Clears throat. Pauses) Crystal duck. Rachel: No. No. No. The um. the love part.
Phoebe: It's not mine! If I kept it, it would be like stealing! Rachel: Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!
Chandler: Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on his ass!
Carol: Oh, what do you know?! No-one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril? Mind if we push this (shouts) pot roast through it?"
Richard Crosby: (drunk) I'm wearing two belts. Joey: Are you drunk? Richard Crosby: No. Joey: Yes, you are. Richard Crosby: Well, all right.
Ross: I figured after work, I'd pick up a bottle of wine, go over there, and try to... woo her. Chandler: Hey, you know what you should do? Take her back to the 1800's when that phrase was last used.
Monica: Look, when it started I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we were... shopping. Rachel: Oh. Oh, my God. Monica: Honey, wait. We only did it once. It didn't mean anything to me. Rachel: Yeah, right. Sure! Monica: Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never meant for you to find out!
Ross: What? You're over me? When were you... under me?
Phoebe: He's her lobster!
Chandler: I'm thinking of having an affair with your wife! Oh, you know what, I just did! Joey: Really? Chandler: No, freak show! She's fictional!
Ross: Okay, there you go. Rachel: Sure. Sure, I'll just sit next to the... transsexual from purchasing.
Phoebe: (hugging Will) It's just like I imagined.
Charlie Wheeler: I broke up with Joey. I mean he was fun, but every time I was with him, I found myself thinking about you. Oh, my God, it's like I'm your groupie! Ross: (chuckling nervously) Wow, my own groupie. I just better not catch you naked in my hotel room. Oops, I just took it too far, didn't I?
Julie: (watching Joey's porno video) Does this movie have a plot or do they just start having sex? .Oh, never mind.
(Playing Football) Monica: Okay, Phoebs, you know what you're doing right? Phoebe: Yeah. Monica: Okay, Joey's gonna catch the ball and you and I are gonna block. Phoebe: What's block? Monica: Phoebe, I thought you said you knew what you're doing. Phoebe: I thought you meant in life.
Ross: What are you doing tonight? Chandler: Why, do you have a lecture? Ross: No. Chandler: Free as a bird, what's up?
Phoebe: They don't know that we know they know we know.
Kate Miller: So, what're we gonna do about this scene, huh? Joey: I don't know. Kate Miller: Maybe if it had more heat. Joey: How do you mean? Kate Miller: Well, Adrienne's looking for a reason to stay. Victor can't just kiss her, he's gotta really give her a reason to stay. Joey: Maybe he could slip her the tongue. Kate Miller: Or maybe he could grab her and lift her up. Kate Miller: And then maybe Adrienne could wrap her legs around his waist. Kate Miller: And she would rip off his shirt and kiss his chest and his stomach! Joey: And then, then he could use his teeth, his teeth to undo her dress, and, and, and bite her! Kate Miller: And then right, right when the scene ends, he could take her with this raw, animal... (cut to Joey's bedroom, they both emerge from the covers) Joey: Something like that? Kate Miller: Yeah, that's pretty much what I had in mind.
Kate Miller: (they are doing a scene) I have a question about this scene. The Director: Yes? Kate Miller: Well, I don't understand why Adrienne's attracted to Victor. (Joey plays Victor, she plays Adrienne) The Director: Peel the onion. First of all, he's good-looking. Joey: Yeah. Kate Miller: I think my character's gonna need a little bit more of a reason than that. Joey: Oh, hey, how about this one? It says so in the script! Y'know, I don't know why my character likes you either, I mean, it says in the script here that you're a bitch. Kate Miller: It does not say that in the script. Joey: It does in mine!
Rachel: Well, oh, Mark, I'm doing this for the wrong reasons, y'know? I'm just doing it to get back at Ross. I'm sorry, it's not very fair to you. Mark: Ahh! Fair, schmair! Y'know? Look, if you want to get back at Ross, I am here for you. Really? No-no, I say-I say, I say we get back at him right on this couch. Right here!
Joey: Just because she went to Yale drama, she thinks she's like the greatest actress since, since, sliced bread! Chandler: Ah, Sliced Bread, a wonderful Lady MacBeth. Joey: God, I just, I hate her! I hate her! With her, "Oh, I'm so talented." and "Oh, I'm so pretty," and "Ooh, I smell so good." Chandler: I think somebody has a crush on somebody. Joey: Hey, Chandler, can we please stay focused on my problem here? Y'know? Chandler: I'm talking about you. You big, big freak.
The Director: (to Joey and Kate) Stop!! Stop it! You must stop! You are bad actors! This is a terrible play! I'll see you in the morning.
Joey: (about the Director) That guy's like a cartoon. What do you see in him anyway? Kate Miller: He happens to be brilliant. Which is more than I can say for that sweater you're dating. Joey: Hey, I'm not interested in her sweater! It's what's underneath her sweater that counts.
Phoebe: Now, we can kick anybody's ass! Rachel: Yeah! Ross: After one class? I don't think so. Rachel: What? You want to see me self-defend myself? Go over there and pretend you're a sexual predator! Go on! I dare ya! Ross: Well, of course you can defend yourself from an attack you know is coming, that's not enough. Look, I studied karate for a long time, and there's a concept you should really be familiar with. It's what the Japanese call unagi. Rachel: Isn't that a kind of sushi? Ross: No, it's a concept. Phoebe: Yeah, it is! It is! It's freshwater eel. Ross: All right, maybe it means that too. Rachel: Ooh! I would kill for a salmon skin roll right now. Ross: Y'know what? Fine! Get attacked! I don't even care!
Ross: So do you have any cats that are very old or increadibly sick? Julie: Ross... I don't want one that's about to die... Ross: Oh well, we should've discussed this before we came down here Julie: Ok Ross, look I'm gonna narrow it down to this one over here... and this one with the stripes... You pick... Ross: Woah, woah... I... I have to pick? Julie: Yeah sure which ever one you want Ross: (Looks back and forth between the cats and scratches his head) Well, I don't know, you know it's not that easy to choose... both cats are-are beautiful... and... funny... I'm sure I'd be happier with either cat... Julie: Well do you wanna take both? Ross: Both? Both?... I can't have TWO cats!... Joey's the kind of guy that can have two cats...
Joey: (Chick Jr and Duck Jr are trapped in the Foosball table) Does that mean we're gonna have to bust it open? Chandler: I don't know. Maybe. Joey: Oh my God! Chandler: I know, it's the Foosball table. Joey: All right, you know what? We don't have a choice. It's like what I'd have said in that Sci-Fi movie if I'd gotten the part: "Those are our men in there, and we have to get 'em out. Even if I have to sacrifice the most important thing in my life... my time machine."
Monica: What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it. Joey: Yeah, right!... Y'serious? Phoebe: Oh, yeah! Rachel: Everything you need to know is in that first kiss. Monica: Absolutely. Chandler: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out. Ross: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket. Chandler: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake. Rachel: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone. Joey: (pause) ... Are we still talking about sex?
(Joey finds out Chandler likes his girlfriend) Joey: Did you sleep with her? Chandler: No, we just kissed. Joey: That's even worse. Chandler: How is that worse? Joey: I don't know, but it's the same.
Chandler: Why wouldn't your parents be happy that we're living together? Monica: Well, um, because mainly, um, they don't like you. I'm sorry. Chandler: What? What? Why? Monica: Maybe because you used to be aloof, or that you're really sarcastic, or that, you know, you joke around all the time. Or that you take off your clothes and throw them on the couch. Chandler: Is this why they don't like me or why you don't like me?
Monica: OKAY. Are we ready to play some serious poker? Ross: Well, I don't know. Phoebe just threw a Jack away because he didn't look happy.
(Monica creeps up on Chandler, in the men's room) Monica: You know, Chandler, I've always found public men's rooms to be quite sexy. Haven't you? Chandler: No. And, if I did, I don't think we would be seeing each other.
Ross: Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian. Susan: Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise they don't let you do it.
Jack Geller: I remember when we first got engaged. Chandler: Oh, I don't think I ever heard that story. Monica: Oh dad, really you don't need to... Jack Geller: (ignoring her) Well, I'd gotten Judy pregnant. I still don't know that happened. Judy Geller: (incredulous) You don't know how that happened? Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy.
(Phoebe is cutting Monica's hair) Phoebe: Relax, I know what I'm doing, this is how HE wears it. Monica: How who wears it? Phoebe: Demi Moore Monica: Demi Moore is not a he. Phoebe: Well, he was HE in ARTHUR and in 10, eh. Monica: THAT'S DUDLEY MOORE., I said I wanted it like Demi Moore. Phoebe: Oh, OH. Monica: OH MY GOD. Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'M SORRY. Which one is Demi Moore? Monica: SHE'S the ACTRESS, who was in DISCLOSURE, INDECENT PROPOSAL, and GHOST. Phoebe: Oh! Oh, she's got gorgeous hair. Monica: I KNOW.
Joey Tribbiani: (after smelling potpourri) Well, this is like summer in a bowl!
Phoebe: (Monica stares dreamily as Richard leaves the room) Oooh, I think my boyfriend's ever so dreamy. I wonder what our wedding's gonna be like.
(in Barbados, Rachel runs into Monica and Chandler's room in the morning and opens the curtains, it has been raining a lot) Monica: The sun is out! Chandler: (squinting in pain) Hey, remember when I had corneas?
Joey Tribbiani: (upon hearing Ross doesn't want to go to the movies with him) Come on, man! Tom Hanks! Meg Ryan! They get mail!
Rachel: I'm in the kitchen... and I'm naked. I'm holdin' an orange... and I'm naked. I'm lightin' the candles... naked. (burns herself) Ooh! And carefully.
Joey: Here it is, buddy boy. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own. Chandler: Oh, my God, that is so not the opposite of taking someone's underwear. Joey: Look at me, I'm Chandler, could I *be* wearing any more clothes?
Monica: Rach, it's the Visa card people. Rachel: Oh, God, ask them what they want. Monica: (on the phone) Could you please tell me what this is in reference to? Yes, hold on. (to Rachel) Um, they say there's been some unusual activity on your account. Rachel: But I haven't used my card in weeks. Monica: That is the unusual activity.
Ross: I know something that will cheer you up, guess whose middle name is Muriel? Rachel: OH MY GOD. Chandler M. Bing.
Chandler: I can handle this. "Handle" is my middle name. Actually, "handle" is the middle of my first name.
Ross: Every week a TV Guide is delivered to Joey and Chandler. What is the name on the magazine? Rachel: Oh it's Chandler Bing. Him. Right there. Monica: No. Ross: Actually the correct answer is "Chanandler Bong" Chandler: Ms Chanandler Bong.
Ross: What is the name of Chandler's father's all male burlesque review? Monica: Viva Las Gay-gas. Chandler: Unfortunately, that would be correct.
Reporter: I like that. what's your name? (pointing tape recorder at Pheobe) Phoebe: Pheobe. That's, P, as in Phoebe, H, as in heobe, O as in oebe, E, as in ebe, B, as in bebe, and E as in... Ello there mate.
(after observing a short fight between Rachel and Ross) Phoebe: That's it? "We were on a break." "No we weren't." What happened to you two?
(repeated line) Ross: We were on a break!
Ross: (talking to Emma in her crib) ... And that's why no matter what Mommy says we were on break!
Monica: Chandler, it's okay. You don't have to be so macho all the time. Chandler: I'm not macho. Monica: You're right. I don't know what I was thinking.
Rachel: Honey what are you doing here? Phoebe: (to Ross) Which sister is this, the spoiled one or the one that bit her? Jill Green: Daddy cut me off. Phoebe: (to Ross) Never mind I got it. Jill Green: And you know what I said to him? I said, I'm gonna hire a lawyer and I'm gonna sue you and take all your money and then cut *you* off. Rachel: Wow. What did he say? Jill Green: He said he wouldn't pay for my lawyer.
Ross: What? No. What - what are you doing? GET OFF MY SISTER.
Chandler: The Bings have horrible marriages. They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games. Ross: Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room? Chandler: No. Ross: Then you are neither of your parents.
Ross: My dad wanted to know if you wanted to play racquetball with us. Monica: Wow. That's great. Dad must really like you, he doesn't ask just anyone to play. Ross: Yeah and he didn't really ask for you, he asked for Chancy, I assumed he meant you. Chandler: Well, did-did you correct him? Ross: No, I-I thought it would be more fun this way.
Phoebe: I just went to my old apartment to get you the-the cookie recipe and the stupid fire burned it up. Monica: No. Why didn't you make a copy and-and keep it in a fireproof box and keep it at least a hundred yards from the original? Phoebe: (pauses) Because I'm normal.
Ross: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, "No divorces in '99. Whoo." Rachel: But your divorce isn't even final yet. Ross: Just the one divorce in '99. WHOO. This year I'm going to be happy, I'm gonna make myself happy. Chandler: So, do you want us to leave the room?
Monica: You can't fire me. I make your decisions and I say, "I'm not fired." Ha.
Monica: My motto is get out before they go down. Joey: That is so not my motto.
Chandler: (to Joey who's removing his tie) Would you put that back on? Monica's gonna be here any minute. Joey: But it hurts my Joey's Apple. Chandler: (frustrated) Okay, for the last time. It's not named for each individual man.
Chandler: No, I don't want to tell anybody else because I don't want Monica to find out. Phoebe: You told me. Chandler: Well, it's because I trust you, you're one of my best friends, and you walked in on me when I was looking at ring brochures. Phoebe: Yeah well, once again not knocking pays off. I only wish you hadn't been on the toilet. Chandler: Me too.
Minister: Friends. Family. We are gathered to celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and Emily. Now Ross, repeat after me. I Ross... Ross: I Ross... Minister: Take thee, Emily... Ross: Take thee, Rachel... Emily.
(In the Central Perk, Joey told Ross he likes Rachel) Ross: I don't... Rachel? Joey: Ross... Ross: Rachel? (Ross leaves; Joey turns around and finds Gunther right behind him) Gunther: RACHEL?
Phoebe: (Julie has asked Phoebe to cut her hair) Rachel, just so I don't screw it up again; Andie McDowell is the actress in "Four Weddings and a Funeral", right? Rachel: Uh, no. That's Roddy McDowell. Andie McDowell is the actor in "Planet of the Apes'.
Julie: (Monica has told everyone about Chandler's third nipple) You know, Chandler, in some cultures a third nipple is considered a mark of virility. The most desirable women dance naked around you so you can make your pick. Chandler: Ah, would any of these cultures be in the tri-state area? Julie: Sorry.
Joey: (Ross, Chandler and Joey are discussing the best man for Ross and Emily's wedding) Wait, Wait! Why does Chandler get to be best man? He was yours last time! Ross: Well, I've known Chandler a long time. Joey: Wait a minute! C'mon Ross, I don't have any brothers; I'll never get to be a best man! Chandler: Joey, you can be best man at my wedding. Joey: (looks at Chandler and then back at Ross) I'll never get to be a best man!
Dr Leonard Green: (Rachel has just told her father she's pregnant) Pregnant! Rachel Karen Green, tell me you're not pregnant! Rachel: Well, yes and no; except not no. Dr Leonard Green: Who's the father? (looks at Phoebe) Please, tell me it's not her! Rachel: No, no, Daddy; it's Ross, Ross Geller; you like Ross. C'mon, Daddy; you're going to be a grandfather. You're going to be a 'Poppy'! Dr Leonard Green: (sniffling) You're right. I'm going to be a 'Poppy'. Okay, when's the wedding? Rachel: What? Dr Leonard Green: The wedding! Rachel, don't tell me there's not going to be a wedding! Don't tell me my first grandchild is going to be a bastard! Rachel: Uh, February 2!
(Joey has a bad hernia and is in massive pain) Phoebe: Hey! Maybe you'll die! Joey: (voice cracks) Chandler, I'm scared. Phoebe: No, we can go together. Just don't wait too long, because I'm outta here sometime before Friday. Joey: But I don't wanna die. Phoebe: No, no, it'll be fun. We'll come back and haunt these guys! Joey: Wait, could I come back and haunt Monica and Rachel when they're in the shower? Chandler: That's my girlfriend! Joey: Hey, I'm dead!
Monica: (Rachel and Amy get into a cat fight at Thanksgiving) My God! Somebody do something! Stop them! Joey: What? Stop them? Throw some jello on them!
Joey: (during Ross's speech, Joey laughs every time he hears 'homo erectus') Ha, Ha, he said 'erectus'. (notices Rachel is also laughing) Erectus? Rachel: (stifling laugh) No, 'homo'.
Joey: I'll be reading for Mercutio. Director: Name. Joey: I'm Holden McGroin.
(Joey has a bad hernia and is in massive pain) Phoebe: Hey! Maybe you'll die! Joey: (voice cracks) Chandler, I'm scared. Phoebe: No, we can go together. Just don't wait too long, because I'm outta here sometimes before Friday. Joey: But I don't wanna die. Phoebe: No, no, it'll be fun. We'll come back and haunt these guys! Joey: Wait, could I come back and haunt Monica and Rachel when they're in the shower? Chandler: That's my girlfriend! Joey: Hey, I'm dead!
Mike Hanigan: You're not gonna try and make me join a cult are you? Ross: No... Mike Hanigan: Oh okay. You just have that look. Ross: (to himself) Damn SuperCuts!
(Chandler booked a room in Vermont for himself and Monica, but she can't go, and he can't cancel the room) Monica: Why don't you take Ross? Ross: Uh, don't you think that would be a little weird? I mean, two guys in a romantic inn... Monica: No, not if their room has two beds! Ross: (reading the hotel brochure) I guess... It still seems a little... *moonlight boat ride*?
Will: (about how he hated Rachel in high school) It wasn't just me. We had a club. Rachel: You had a club? Will: That's right. The I Hate Rachel Green Club. Rachel: O my God! So what? You all just join together to hate me? Who else was in this club? Will: Me and Ross. (points to Ross) Ross: No need to point. She knows who Ross is.
Joey: Ok Ross, you're gettin a divorce... you're angry, you're hurtin... can I tell you what the answer is?... STRIP JOINTS! Come on! You're single! Have some hormones! Ross: But I don't want to be single... I just want to be married again (Rachel walks in wearing wedding dress) Chandler: And I just want a million dollars!
(Re: "If you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?") Monica: Sex! Chandler: Seriously. Answer faster. Monica: I'm sorry, sweetie. When she said "sex" I wasn't thinking of sex with you. Chandler: It's like a big hug. Phoebe: Ross, how about you? Sex or food? Ross: Sex! Phoebe: What about sex or dinosaurs? Ross: My God, it's like Sophie's Choice. Phoebe: Joey, if you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick? Joey: I don't know it's too hard. Rachel: Come on, you have to answer. Joey: Okay... sex. No, food. No, uh... I want both! I want girls on bread!
(after Chandler finds out that Monica still flirts with other men even though they're together) Monica: Chandler, this actually bothers you? Chandler: Yes, it does bother me. And I think it would bother a lot of people. Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women? Rachel: Uh, no, no, it bothered me when he *slept* with other women...
(Mona doesn't know that Rachel is living with Ross) Mona: Listen, Rachel, I appreciate your situation but this is Valentine's Day. So, if you don't mind, would you please just go back home? (Ross enters with his gift for Mona) Rachel: What are you talking about? I live here. Ross: (nervously gives Mona her present) Happy Valentine's Day. (Mona stares angrily at Ross) Or, something to remember me by...
(Monica knocks) Chandler: You can't come in. Monica: Why not? Chandler: Because, uh, Ross is naked. Ross: What? Chandler: Well, I couldn't tell her *I* was naked. She's allowed to see me naked. Ross: Why does *anyone* have to be naked?
Phoebe: They don't know we know they know we know. And Joey, you can't say anything. Joey: Couldn't if I wanted to.
(Ross is given medicine for anger management) Chandler: What did they give you? Ross: I don't know, but I sure don't care about my sandwich anymore.
Joey: (sees Rachel and Chandler eating cheesecake off the floor) All right, what are we having? (takes out a fork and starts to eat with them)
(Joey just got ordained via the internet so that he could perform Monica and Chandler's wedding) Joey: Hey, I started working on what I'm going to say at the ceremony. Wanna hear it? Monica, Chandler: Yeah. Joey: We are gathered here today on this joyous occasion to celebrate the special love that Monica and Chandler share. (Monica and Chandler look impressed) Joey: It is a love based of giving and receiving as well as having and sharing. And the love that they give and have is shared and received. And through this having and giving and sharing and receiving, we too can share and love and have... and receive. (later) Joey: Okay, you guys, I've got a little more written... are you ready? Chandler: Yeah, yeah. Okay. Joey: When I think of the love that these two givers and receivers share, I cannot help but envy the lifetime ahead of having and loving and giving... and then I can't think of a good word for right here. Monica: How bout receiving? Joey: Yes!
(Monica and Chandler are having sex in the other room) Joey: They're having s-e-x while having the b-a-b-e!
(after catching Ross kissing Chandler's mother in front of the male bathroom) Joey: I'll just go pee in the street.
(Rachelle is crawling on the floor behind the couch secretly looking for Monica's lost ear-ring) Monica: Rach? What are you doing? Rachel: Oh, I just can't watch. It's too scary. Monica: It's a Pampers commercial. (Rachel looks up at the screen then goes back down...) Rachel: Oh, you know me - babies, responsibilities, ahhh.
Phoebe: What if the husband person is the wrong guy, and you are the right guy? I mean you don't get chances like this all the time, if you don't meet her now, you're gonna be kicking yourself when you're 80, which is hard to do, and that's how you break a hip.
Rachel: Then the waiter spilled water down my back, and my boob popped out. Phoebe: Oh, no! Rachel: It's ok. I have nice boobs.
Monica: Hey, Phoebe, guess what I'm thinking. Phoebe: Oh, okay. How it's been so long since you've had sex and wondering if they've changed it? Monica: No, only now that's what I'm thinking.
(no-one knows about Monica and Chandler yet) Monica: Chandler loves my massages. Chandler: No, actually, he doesn't. Monica: The minute we start to lie to each other. (pause, everyone looks at Monica) Monica: And, by *we*, I mean society.
Eddie: (Chandler just asked him to move out) This is kinda out of the blue, isn't it? Chandler: No, no, no. This isn't out of the blue. This is smack dab in the middle of the blue.
Phoebe: No, huh uh, no way, I'm sorry, not gonna happen. Chandler: Whoa, whoa, prom night flashback.
Joey: And you call yourself an accountant? Chandler: ... No.
(Rachel is nervous about leaving Emma alone in the apartment for a few minutes) Rachel: What if she jumped out the basinet? Ross: Can't hold her own head up, but yeah, jump out. Rachel: Oh my God, I left the water running. Ross: Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay? Rachel: Ah, did I leave the stove on? Ross: You haven't cooked since 1996. Rachel: Is the window open? Because if there's a window open, a bird could fly in there. Ross: Oh my god, you know what, yeah, I think you're right. I think... listen, listen. Rachel: Huh? Ross: A pigeon, a pigeon. No, no wait, no, no, an eagle flew in. Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues it as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird still ablaze are locked in a death grip, swirling around in the whirlpool that fills the apartment. Rachel: If that happens now, you're going to feel SO bad.
(Joey and Chandler apartment has been robbed) Joey: Aw, man. He took the five of spades. (looks through deck) No, here it is.
Joey: I can pass for 19, right? Chandler: Yes, you can pass for 19. Joey: Really? Chandler: Yes. Joey: Seriously. Chandler: Seriously? Seriously, no, okay? You can play your own age, which is 31. Joey: (gasps) I'm 30. Rachel: Joey, you are not; you're 31. Joey: Aw, crap.
Rachel: Hey, you guys wanna go see a movie? Ross: Yeah, sure. Rachel: How about you, Phoebe? Phoebe: No, thanks, I've already seen one.
(when Joey asks why Chandler's friend is called Gandalf) Chandler: Didn't you read Lord of the Rings in high school? Joey: No. I had sex in high school.
(a nurse just asked Monica out, Chandler gets jealous) Monica: Sure, can't wait (Nurse walks by) Chandler: How's about me and you, Saturday night? Nurse: No. Chandler: Ok very nice.
(Chandler's key broke in Monica's door) Chandler: I love you. Monica: I love you too. Chandler: Are you hugging the door right now? Monica: Um... no? Chandler: Uh... yeah, yeah, me neither.
Ross: Okay, okay. But if she doesn't call, it is definitely over. No, wait, wait. Unless eventually I call her, you know, just to see what's going on and she says she'll call me back, but then she doesn't. Then it's over. Joey: Way to be strong, man.
Rachel: Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce. Joey: (looking at Ross) What is the matter with you? Monica: No. Barry and Mindy. Joey: Oh, sorry, I hear "divorce" and I automatically go to Ross.
Joey: Just tell him Joey sent you. He'll know what it means. Chandler: Gee, I don't know. Do you think he'll be able to crack your code?
Monica: Oh my god. How cute is the new eye doctor? Rachel: So cute I'm thinking about jamming this pen in my eye.
Rachel: Guess what, GUESS WHAT? Chandler: The fifth dentist finally caved and now they ALL recommend Trident?
Ross: I don't know what I'm gonna do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare. Chandler: Oh, I know, this must be so hard. "Oh no, two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties AND MY DIAMOND SHOES ARE TOO TIGHT."
(Ross has traded in his "Snuggles" for a more manly laundry detergent) Rachel: What's that? Ross: Uberweiss. It's strong, it's German, it's extra-tough.
(Ross is wearing a white suit) Monica: I like it even better on you than on Colonel Sanders. Ross: Look, I just came here to tell you guys something. Rachel: Oh. Was it how you invented the cotton gin?
Emily: Ross. Come look. There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard. Ross: (on the phone) I gotta go. There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard. Monica: He had to go. There was a deer just outside, eating fruit from the orchard.
Joey: And look. A phone in the bathroom. Monica: Joey, don't ever call me from that phone.
Joey: Want some jam? Chandler: No thanks, I just had a jar of mustard.
Monica: I'm dating a guy whose pool I once peed in. Richard: I didn't need to know that.
Phoebe: No, I definitely don't like the name Ross. Ross: What a weird way to kick me when I'm down. Phoebe: Well it's just that something like this would never happen to, like, The Hulk.
Rachel: You caught me. I'm a laundry virgin. Ross: Then I'll use the gentle cycle.
Rachel: You don't just flit off to Vermont as soon as you meet someone. Monica: You flitted off to Vail as soon as you met Barry. Rachel: For once, could you not just remember every little thing?
Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to but, (points to Ross) Monica: married a lesbian, (points to Rachel) Monica: left a man at the altar, (points to Phoebe) Monica: fell in love with a gay ice dancer, (points to Joey) Monica: threw a girl's wooden leg in a fire, (points to the box Chandler's in) Monica: live in a box!
Phoebe: We can be guys. Come on, let us be guys. Chandler: You don't want to be guys, you'd be all hairy and you wouldn't live as long.
(Joey has packed an emergency kit with food, Mad-Libs and condoms) Chandler: Condoms? Joey: We don't know how long we're gonna be stuck here. We might have to repopulate the world. Chandler: And condoms are the way to do that?
(Monica looks fat in an old home movie) Monica: The camera adds ten pounds. Chandler: So how many cameras are actually on you?
Joey: What? You made a bet. A bet is a bet. You bet on a bet, and if you lose you lose the bet.
Rachel: Finally. I get to see what Joey Tribianni is like on a date. So, you got any moves? Joey: No. I'm just myself, and if the girl doesn't like that then- (breaks down laughing) I'm sorry, I couldn't even get through that.
Chandler: You know, I'm really glad we decided not to sleep together before the wedding. Monica: Me too. Chandler: You know, I was, uh, thinking. If you and I had a big fight and broke up for a few hours... Monica: Yeah? Chandler: Technically we could have sex again. So, what do you think... bossy and domineering? Monica: The wedding's off, sloppy and immature. (they get up) Oh, wait. We can't, my cousin Cassie is in the guest room. Chandler: Well, get rid of her, obsessive and shrill. Monica: Shrill? The wedding's back on.
(Monica's reunion with an old high school friend) Monica: Oh my God. Do you still live with your parents? Chip: Yeah. But I can stay out as late as I want.
Monica: So Chip, what do you do? Chip: What do you mean? You know where I work. Monica: You mean you still work at the multiplex? Chip: Free candy and soda as often as I want? Who'd give up that job? I can get you free posters for your room. Monica: No thanks, I'm set.
Nurse: There are too many people in here. So if you aren't an ex-husband, or a lesbian life-partner, please leave. Chandler: Do you have to be *Carol*'s lesbian life-partner or can you be anyone's?
(about Ross' new baby) Rachel: I can't believe one of us has one of these. Chandler: I know. I still am one of these.
Rachel: If she wanted to be more like me, why couldn't she just copy my hairstyle or something?
(Doing a crossword puzzle) Ross: Heating device. Phoebe: Radiator. Ross: Five letters. Phoebe: Rdatr.
Ross: Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there? Joey: Everyday use... Chandler: Fancy... Joey: Guest... Chandler: Fancy Guest... Ross: Two seconds. Joey: Uh, uh... Eleven. Ross: Amazing. Eleven is correct.
Ross: No Phoebe. You don't want to see what's under there. Phoebe: Oh my God... the foster puppets.
Chandler: (dancing and singing) She's on the other line, gonna call me back, she's on the other line, gonna call me back. Monica: Don't you still have to pee? Chandler: That's why I'm dancing.
(Joey gets caught using Charlton Heston's dressing room shower) Charlton Heston: Put some pants on, kid, so I can kick your butt.
Monica: Whoa. Where you going in those pants? 1982?
Chandler: Can you see my nipples through this shirt? Rachel: No, but don't worry. I'm sure they're still there.
Joey: She thinks she's the greatest actress since... since... sliced bread. Chandler: Ah yes, sliced bread. A wonderful Lady Macbeth.
(In response to one of Joey's stupid comments) Chandler: How do you not fall down more often?
(Carol is nursing Ben) Ross: This is the most beautiful, natural thing in the world. Joey: Yeah, but there's a baby sucking on it.
Ross: So, uh, what did the insurance company say? Chandler: Oh, they said uh, "You don't have insurance here so stop calling us."
Joey: (watching Carol nursing Ben) If you blow into one side, does the other get bigger?
Rachel: I've never asked a guy out before. Phoebe: You've never asked a guy out? Rachel: No. Have you? Phoebe: Thousands of times. That doesn't make me sound too good, does it?
Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream. Ross: Ah, the lesser known "I Don't Have a Dream" speech.
Phoebe: (as Ross sits down on the sofa, Pheobe begins "cleansing his aura") Ross: Oh no, no stop cleansing my aura... Phoebe: But... (continues) Ross: No just leave my aura alone... OK? Phoebe: Fine... be murky... Ross: I'll be fine... really you guys, I hope she'll be very happy... Monica: No you don't... Ross: No I don't! To hell with her! She left me! Joey: You never knew she was a lesbian... Ross: (stares at Joey...) No! OK? Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know. How should I know? Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (everyone stares at Chandler) ... Did I say that out loud?
Joey: Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man. Just stop calling.
Monica: Okay, I've got a leg, three breasts, and a wing. Chandler: How do you find clothes that fit?
Chandler: Gum would be perfection.
(Monica and Richard are about to tell Monica's parents about their relationship) Monica: Can't we tell your parents first? Richard: They're both dead. Monica: Oh, you are *so* lucky.
Joey: Ross, if homo sapiens actually were *homo* sapiens, is that why they're exctinct? Ross: Joey, they are people. Joey: Hey, I'm not judging.
Ross: I think my marriage might be kind of over. Phoebe: Oh, my God, why? Ross: Cause Carol's a lesbian, and I'm not... and apparently it's not a mix and match situation.
Ross: I guess I should have known... we'd be out somewhere, and a beautiful woman would go by, and Carol would go, "Ross, look at her." And I'd think, "My wife is cool."
Ross: Wanna hear something weird? Phoebe: Always.
(Ross and Joey's first meeting) Ross: (glum) My wife's a lesbian. Joey: Cool. Chandler: Ross, this is Joey. Joey, Ross.
(Flipping a coin to choose between "ducks" and "clowns.") Joey: "Heads" should be ducks, because ducks have heads. Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday parties?
(Rachel complaining about her father) Rachel: Oh, it was horrible. He called me "young lady". Chandler: Ugh, I hate when my father calls me that.
Monica: Paul, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Paul. Joey: Hey, Paul, the wine guy. Ross: Hey, Paul. Phoebe: Hey, Paul. Rachel: Hi, Paul. Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it?
Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it. I don't think that was my point.
Chandler: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I don't input those numbers... it doesn't make much of a difference.
Ross: You know, you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a major crush on you. Rachel: I knew. Ross: You did. Oh... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother. Rachel: I did.
Joey: Hey, I got something for you. Chandler: What's this? Joey: Eight hundred and twelve bucks. Chandler: Well, I don't know what Big Leon told you but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night.
Phoebe: No, Mr Heckels, we're not making any noise. Mr Heckles: You're disturbing my oboe practice. Phoebe: You don't even play the oboe. Mr Heckles: I could play the oboe. Phoebe: Well, then I'll have to ask you to keep it down.
Ross: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year. Chandler: What, you never look down in the shower? (pause) Oh, please. I'm not allowed to make *one* joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?
Ross: (Ross has found Marcel working in a movie) I'm so excited! I haven't seen my monkey in over a year! Chandler: What, you never look down in the shower? (everyone looks at him) Right, like you didn't expect me to make the monkey for penis joke?
Susie: Chandler Bing? Chandler: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game? Susie: I'm Susie Moss. Fourth grade, glasses, I used to carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse. Chandler: Susie Moss, right, yeah, wow, you look... great job growing up.
Susie: How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over? Chandler: Because I went to an all-boys high school and God is making up for it.
(Peering out the window) Phoebe: Hey. It looks like Ugly Naked Guy is moving. Ross: Ironically, most of the boxes are labeled "clothes." Rachel: Oh, I'm gonna miss that big, fat, squishy butt.
(Ross is newly divorced from his lesbian wife) Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, you know? I mean, what if you get one woman, and that's it? Unfortunately, in my case, it was only one woman for her. Joey: What are you talking about? One woman? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing. Cherry Vanilla. You could get them with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream. This is the best thing that ever happened to you. You got married, you were, what, eight? Welcome back to the world. Grab a spoon. Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny. Chandler: Stay out of my freezer.
(Chandler and Joey emerge from the bathroom after hiding from a fight between Ross and Monica) Chandler: That was pretty intense, huh? Joey: Yeah. Hey, I hope Ross didn't think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here. Chandler: I hope he did.
Rachel: You don't want to try things too fast. You know what happened to the girl who tried things too fast? Jill Green: No. What? Rachel: Well... she died.
(Reading Rachel's "romance novel.") Monica: "Throbbing pens"? Don't wanna be around when he writes with those.
Rachel: Cool. "Urkel" in Spanish is "Urkel."
Joey: Pheebs, you wanna help? Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I really don't want to.
Monica: Is it me? Is it like I have a beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?
Chandler: Hey, you know, I have had it with you guys and your "cancer" and your "emphysema" and your "heart disease." The bottom line is smoking is cool and you know it.
Ross: You know what? I'd better pass on the game. I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover. Joey: The hell with hockey. Let's all do that.
Monica: Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent? Joey: I'd probably kill myself. Monica: Excuse me? Joey: Hey, if "Little Joey"'s dead, then I got no reason to live. Ross: Uh, Joey... Omnipotent. Joey: You are? Ross, I'm sorry.
(a ritual to get rid of bad-boyfriend karma) Phoebe: Okay, now we need the sage branches and the sacramental wine. Monica: All I have is oregano and a Fresca. Phoebe: That's okay. (Adds them) All right, now we need the semen of a righteous man. Rachel: OK, Pheebs, you know what? If we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place.
Rachel: Oh, honey. Don't get up. What do you need? Phoebe: Oh, no. Oh, nothing. Rachel: Come on. I am here to take care of you. What do you need? Anything. Phoebe: Okay, I have a wedgie. Rachel: Okay, that is all you.
Ross: It would be so cool to live across from you guys. Joey: Hey, yeah. Then we could do that telephone thing. Y'know, you have a can, we have a can and it's connected by a string. Chandler: Or we can do the *actual* telephone thing.
Rachel: So umm, how - how are we gonna mess with them? Phoebe: Well, you could use your position, y'know, as the roommate. Rachel: Okay. Phoebe: And then I would use, y'know, the strongest tool at my disposal: my sexuality.
Chandler: If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, y'know. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man, " they'll shout!
(Joey enters wearing an elf costume. Chandler is in agony) Chandler: Too many jokes. Must mock Joey.
Chandler: Men are here. Joey: We make fire. Cook meat. Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.
Phoebe: Quit being so "testosterony". Chandler: ... The real San Francisco treat.
Ross: So when I get to China, guess who's in charge of the dig? Rachel: Julie. Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck, fantastic.
Monica: I'm Rachel. I love Ross. I hate Ross. I love Ross. I hate Ross. Rachel: I'm Monica. I can't get a boyfriend so I'll stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy I find there.
(Trying to fix up Monica with a date) Joey: Aw, c'mon, this guy's perfect for you. Monica: No, not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet.
Alice: I want to name the girl baby Leslie. And, um, Frank wants to name one of the boy babies Frank, Jr, Jr Chandler: Wouldn't that be Frank the Third? Alice: Don't get me started. Anyway, um, since there are three babies, and we both got to put our names in, we would be truly honored if you would name the other boy baby. Phoebe: Oh, wow. That's so nice. Oh. Oh. Cougar. Alice: ... You think about it.
Chandler: From now on, I have no first name. Joey: So - you're just Bing? Chandler: I have no name. Phoebe: All right, so what are we supposed to call you? Chandler: Okay, for now, temporarily, you can call me... Clint. Joey: No way are you cool enough to pull off Clint. Chandler: Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull off? Phoebe: Um... Gene. Chandler: It's Clint. It's Clint. Joey: See ya later, Gene. Phoebe: Bye, Gene. Chandler: It's Clint. Clint. Joey: What's up with Gene?
Chandler: Am I a Mark or a John? Joey: Well, you're not tall enough to be a Mark... but you might make a good Barney.
Ross: First divorce: wife's hidden sexuality, not my fault. Second divorce: said the wrong name at the altar, kind of my fault. Third divorce: they shouldn't let you get married when you're that drunk and have stuff drawn all over your face, Nevada's fault.
Monica: You wanted it to be a surprise. Chandler: Oh, my God. Monica: Chandler, in all my life I never thought I would be so lucky as to fall in love with my best, my best... (crying) There's a reason why girls don't do this. Chandler: Okay, okay I'll do it. I thought, wait I can do this, I thought that it mattered what I said or where I said it. Then I realized the only thing that matters is that you, that you make me happier than I ever thought I could be and if you let me I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way. Monica, will you marry me? Monica: Yes.
Rachel: Oh my God. I've become my father. I've been trying so hard not to become my mother, I didn't see this coming.
Ross: And, uh, then I kissed her. Joey: Tongue? Ross: Yeah. Joey: Cool.
Rachel: See? Unisex. Joey: Maybe *you* need sex. I just had it a few days ago. Rachel: No, Joey, U-N-I-sex. Joey: I wouldn't say no to that.
Tag: Talking about a purse for both men and women. Rachel: Exactly, unisex! Joey: Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple of days ago. Rachel: No, no, Joey. U-N-I-sex. Joey: Well, ain't gonna say no to that!
Phoebe: She's dead. Frank Buffay: Are you sure? Phoebe: Well, if she isn't, cremating her was a big mistake.
Monica: What is going on with you? Joey: Nothing. Chandler: Oh, come on! You've been acting strange all day. Joey: All right... There is something. I... I kind of had a dream. But I don't wanna talk about it. Chandler: What if Martin Luther King had said that. "I kind of have a dream... I don't wanna talk about it."
Monica: What about these, do these look the same? Phoebe: Definitely. Monica: Not as each other. Phoebe: Oh, then, no.
(When asked if he knows anything about chicks) Chandler: Fowl? No. Women?... No.
Ross: I'm sorry your husband cheated on you. Rachel: I'm sorry your wife is gay.
Chandler: You tried to save a sandwich from a bullet? Joey: I know this doesn't make much sense... Chandler: MUCH sense?
Susan: There's Father's Day, there's Mother's Day, there's no Lesbian Lover's Day. Ross: Every day is Lesbian Lover's Day.
Chandler: I got her machine. Joey: Her answering machine? Chandler: No. Interestingly enough, her leaf blower picked up.
Will: God, we were lame back then. Remember how into dinosaurs we were? (to Ross) So what do you do now?
(after settling a fight between Monica and Rachel) Phoebe: Hey, if we were in prison, you guys would be like my bitches.
(Jill is wearing a sexy outfit) Jill Green: So, what do you think? Rachel: I-I don't like it. Jill Green: Really? Rachel: It's kinda slutty. Jill Green: It's yours. Rachel: Well, I'm a slut. Jill Green: Me too.
Rachel: (walking out of the bathroom) Mon, I'm gonna to check my messages. Chandler: And you thought of that in there? Monica: Well, nature called and she wanted to see who else did.
Chandler: (talking about a dog) What if it attacks me? Joey: Chandler, it's like a big gerbil. Chandler: And that doesn't scare you?
(to Ross) Chandler: You know if your not careful, you could not get married at all this year.
Janice: Goodnight my Bing-a-ling.
(Referring to Janice) Chandler: How can I dump this woman on Valentine's Day? Joey: I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's. Chandler: Oh man. In my next life I'm comin' back as a toilet brush. (Janice enters Central Perk) Janice: (to Chandler) Hello Funny Valentine. Chandler: Hello, Just Janice.
Rachel: Well, it was one night at a party and we both had a lot of sangria and we started kissing. Ross: Now that's two of my wives.
(Chandler's trying to quit smoking) Chandler: Eww, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock in my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too. Ross: Okay, I think it's time to change someone's nicotine patch. (does so) Chandler: (deadpan) Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now.
Chandler: Did you do it on our invitations? Ross: Not on the ones we sent out. Chandler: Oh, so it was on the ones, we had framed.
(advising Ross about Rachel) Joey: You waited too long and now you're in "The Friend Zone".
(Phoebe and her ex-boyfriend David meet again after a few years of being apart) Phoebe: You got a haircut. David: Yeah, well, I got like, thirty of 'em.
Chandler: I got a job in advertising. Well, not a paying job. More of an internship. But, they hire people they like. Joey: Yeah, we got interns on "Days of Our Lives". Chandler: Yeah, it's the same thing... except, less sex with you.
Rachel: You're a pathetic loser, right? Chandler: Oh yeah
Chandler: The other cheesecake came. They delivered it to the wrong address again. Rachel: So, just bring it back downstairs. What's the problem? Chandler: I can't seem to say good-bye.
Joey: Hey, you know, you could always visit him. Phoebe: Oh, right, like they're going to let me have a passport?
Chandler: (taking duck out in the hallway) Now you stay out here and you think about what you did. Ross: That's a duck. Chandler: That's a bad duck.
Joey: It's just my character that's not brain-dead.
Joey: The vicar won't be home for hours. Rachel: (shocked) Joey, where'd you learn that word?
Joey: Get your sorry, non-believer ass out of my chair.
Rachel: Maybe Joey's right. Maybe all good deeds are selfish. Phoebe: I will find a selfless good deed. 'Cause I just gave birth to three children and I will not let them be raised in a world where Joey is right.
Monica: Wow. You're a really good kisser. Chandler: Well, I have kissed more than four women.
Chandler: Stay... stay. Good fake dog.
Chandler: I thank Phoebe, a truly worthy opponent, and may I say... your breasts are still showing.
Joey: (mumbling over a cell phone to Chandler) Mmmm mmm mmm mmmm mm mmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm. Chandler: Like that thought never entered my mind.
Ross: (while moving a sofa with Rachel and Chandler) Pivot. Pi-vot. PI-VOT.
Monica: That's probably because their nerves are deadened from being so stupid.
Joey: Rach, you gotta find out if he's in the same place you are. Otherwise, it's just a moo point. Rachel: A moo point? Joey: Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo. Rachel: Have I been living with him too long or did that all just make sense?
Ross: Sorry, Ben, but Santa has to go now. Ben: Why? I want him to stay. Chandler: Because... if Santa and the Holiday Armadillo stay in the same room for too long... the universe will... implode...
Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo.
(Chandler walks in) Joey: You know, with that goatee, you kinda look like Satan.
Joey: I'm Joey. I'm disgusting. I make low-budget adult films.
Chandler: You should be a chef. Monica: Okay.
(Joey walks into the Central Perk coffee shop) Joey: Hey Gunther, have you seen Chandler? Gunther: I thought you were Chandler. (Joey looks disturbed) Gunther: (motioning to Chandler) Um, one of you is over there.
(after a fight caused by Chandler watching a car chase on TV) Monica: Well why don't you blame the idiot who tried to drive from Albany to Canada on half a tank of gas? Chandler: DO NOT speak ill of the dead.
Chandler: I know about the baby. Monica: We have a baby? Chandler: Phoebe found your pregnancy test in the trash. Monica: I didn't take a pregnancy test. Chandler: Then who did? Phoebe: They're actually married. And they're gonna have a baby. Rachel: Uhuh.
(Ross and Rachel are drunk in Vegas) Joey: Hey Rach. How you doin'? Rachel: I'm doing good baby. How you doin'? Joey: Ross. Don't let her drink anymore.
(repeated line) Joey Tribbiani: How you doin'?
Rachel: Are you sure that on some level you don't want to take off my bra? Joey: I don't have another level!
Ross: I went to the tanning place your wife suggested. Chandler: Was that place the sun?
(Joey is trying to convince Ross to let him appear in a commercial instead of Ben) Joey Tribbiani: Come on, Ross! I should be in this commercial! Even Chandler thinks so! Ross: Is this true, Chandler? Chandler: Uh.. .um... hey, who's that at the door? (Chandler gets up and answers the door. No-one's there) Chandler: Oh, hi, no-one! (Chandler steps out)
Rachel: How do I ask a guy out? Joey: Well when I ask a girl out I look her up and down and say, how you doing? Rachel: ewww Joey: (Turns to Phoebe) How you doing? Phoebe: (Giggles) Just fine.
Joey: We're going to London, Baby Chandler: That's not going to get annoying.
Phoebe: I just saw somebody that looked like you in the station. I was going to go up to him to tell him. But what does he care he looks like you. Joey: Thanks Phebes, that just cost me four bucks.
Frank Buffay Jr.: My sister's having my baby.
Rachel: Come on. You guys can pee standing up.
Chandler: You rent out these tuxes to celebrities for award shows. Rachel: Yeah. Chandler: You mean these tuxes have been down the red carpet with people screaming "Wow. You look fabulous." at them? Rachel: Honey, could I recommend watching a little bit more "ESPN" and a little less "E."?
(Rachel is furious with a noise across the hall and asks what's happening) Joey: It's the chick. She's going through some changes. Monica: What kind of changes? Chandler: The vet seems to think she becoming a rooster. (Rooster crows) Chandler: We're getting second opinion.
Rachel: It's a RELAXI-TAXI. Phoebe: Ugh. The name was my favorite part. Rachel: Well, I came up with it. Phoebe: You did not. You came up with relaxi-CAB. That name sucks. Rachel: It's not "relaxi-CA-AB" its "reLAXI-cab" like "taxi cab". Phoebe: Oh, that *is* good
Monica: I've got it, lesbian wedding, chicken breasts. (Silence) What? I'm not gonna put nipples on them.
Monica: Hey. Where's Joey? Chandler: Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?
Joey: All right they got water, orange juice, and what looks like cider. (takes a glass from the fridge) Chandler: Taste it. Joey: (drinks from the glass and puts it back in the fridge) Yep, it's fat. I drank fat. Chandler: Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago.
Phoebe: (entering in an elegant yellow dress) Hello. Ross: Hey. Joey: Whoa. Ross: Wow, hello. You look great. Phoebe: Thank you. I know, though.
Chandler: (entering from bathroom, with an issue of Cosmo) All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men.
Ross: Look, I don't care it starts at eight, we can't be late. Phoebe: (Rhyming) We could not, would not want to wait.
(Chandler fights with Joey over a chair) Chandler: All right, fine, you know what? We'll both sit in the chair. (sits on Joey's lap) Chandler: I'm soooo comfortable. Joey: Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable. Chandler: All right. (jumps up)
(Ross tries picking out a dress for Rachel) Ross: Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty. Rachel: Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep. Ross: Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep. Rachel: Yeah, which, by the way Chandler, I would like back one of these days. Chandler: We used them as pillows when we went camping. Ross: What? Chandler: (shyly) The sheep. Ross: Hey, what you do on your own time...
Joey: Where's my underwear? Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You took his underwear? Chandler: He took my essence. Ross: Okay, now hold on. Joey, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now? Joey: Because, I'm not wearing any underwear now. Ross: Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight? Joey: It's a rented tux. Okay? I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues.
Phoebe: Rachel didn't have anything that I liked, but she had this Christmas ribbon, and I thought, 'All right, fine I'll be political.' Chandler: What are you supporting? Phoebe: Duh. Christmas.
(Thanksgiving) Rachel: You know what we should do? We should play that game where everybody says what they're thankful for. Joey: Oh. I should be thankful for the wonderful fall we've been having. Everybody: YEAH. Joey: I remember one day I was at the bus stop and this cool fall breeze came blowing out of nowhere and totally lifted this chick's skirt. Oh. And I'm also thankful for thongs.
(Upon hearing Ross practicing the bagpipe for their wedding) Monica: Why must your family be Scottish? Chandler: Why must your family be *Ross*?
(about Ugly Naked Guy) Ross: Hey, didn't he used to have a cat? Phoebe: Oh, I wouldn't bring that up. It'll probably just bum him out. Joey: Yeah. Poor cat. Never saw that big butt coming.
Joey: Hey check it out. Ugly Naked Guy's got a naked friend. Rachel: Omigod. That's our friend. It's naked Ross.
(Ross is refusing to have another nap with Joey) Joey: OK, well, you want a drink? Ross: Sure what d'you got? Joey: Warm milk and Excedrin PM...
Monica: Okay. Wait-wait-wait. Shhh. (Bangs on her glass with a spoon to make a toast) Okay, umm, I just wanna say that... I love you guys so-so much and-and thank you for being here on my special night. (Chandler clears his throat) Our special night. I mean it just wouldn't be my-our-our night, if you all weren't here to celebrate with me-us-Damnit.
Joey: But I-I-I can't stay too long, I gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow and I gotta look good. I'm supposed to be playing a 19-year-old. (Everyone stops in their tracks upon hearing this) Chandler: So when you said, "Get up early, " did you mean 1986?
Monica: (chasing after him) Chandler. It happens to lots of guys. You-you-you were probably tired, you had a lot of champagne, don't worry about it. Chandler: (motioning with his hands) I'm not worried, I'm uh, I'm fascinated. Y'know it's like uh, Biology. Which is funny because in high school I uh, I-I failed Biology and tonight Biology failed me.
(talking about engagement presents for Monica and Chandler) Rachel: Oh, y'know what you should get 'em? One of those little uh, portable CD players. Monica: Oh, I already have one. Phoebe: Not unless someone borrowed it and left it at the gynecologist. Rachel: Yeah, and-and-and by someone, she means Joey.
Rachel: Y'know Joey, I could teach you to sail if you want. Joey: You could? Rachel: Yeah. I've been sailing my whole life. When I was fifteen my dad bought me my own boat. Phoebe: Your own boat? Rachel: What? What? He was trying to cheer me up. My pony was sick.
Joey: (drinking a beer on the boat) Look at this clown. Just because he's got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. (yelling) Get out of the way jackass. (to Rachel) Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway? Rachel: That is the Coast Guard.
Joey: You're mean on the boat. Rachel: What? I was just trying to teach you. Joey: Well, lesson learned. Rachel is mean. Ross: Yeeeeeep... Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember when she took me out on her dad's boat she wouldn't let me help at all. Rachel: Excuse me, I wanted you to help, but you couldn't move your arms because you were wearing three life jackets. Ross: You have to respect the sea.
Rachel: God, this is funny, look, this is a picture of one Halloween where she dressed up as a bride. (Shows Phoebe the picture) And look, she made me carry her train, which was weird because I was Wonder Woman.
Monica: Guys, hurry up. The flight leaves in four hours. It could take time to get a taxi. There could be traffic. The plane could leave early. When we get to London, there could be a line at customs. Come on. Chandler: Six-hour trip to London. That's a lot of Monica
(bursts into Chandler's hotel room) Ross: (screaming) I'm getting married today. Whoo-hoo. Chandler: (with the covers pulled up to his chin) Morning, Ross. Ross: I'm getting married, to... day. Chandler: Yeah, you are. Ross: Ahh, whoo-hoo. (he runs back out the door) Monica: (comes up for below the covers) Do you think he knew I was here?
(talking to Ross) Joey: I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man. Chandler: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice.
Phoebe: Hey, can we turn on the TV? I think it's raining outside.
(watching Joey's small role in a porno movie) Joey: Wait, wait, wait, wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am...
Phoebe: Come on Ross, you're a paleontologist, dig a little deeper.
Monica: You broke a little girl's leg? Ross: I know. I feel horrible. Okay. Chandler: (reading the paper) Says here that a Muppet got whacked on Sesame Street last night. (to Ross) Where exactly were you around ten-ish?
Chandler: Ew, ew, ew, ew ew ew ew ew. Ugly Naked Guy got a Thighmaster.
Ross: (to his parents) Look, I, uh- I realize you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and, so, well, here's the deal. Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan. She's pregnant with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby.
Phoebe: (imitating Chandler) OK, could that report BE any later? Chandler: I don't sound like that. Joey: Oh, yes you do. Ross: The hills are alive with the sound... OF music.