Joey: Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind. Chandler: Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way.

Phoebe: (sees a little kid playing with a race car bed - to kid) Hi. Y'know in England this car would be on the other side of the store.

Joey: Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor, so if I'm in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let's say I wanna convey that I've just done something evil. That would be the basic 'I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it' (Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook) Okay, let's say I've just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13. (looks all confused) And that's how it's done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.

Monica: (to Joey) Hey, how goes the dancing? Gay yet?

Monica: This has been like my dream ever since I got my first Easy-Bake Oven and opened "Easy Monica's Bakery".

Joey: Hey, can you close that window Chandler? My nipples can cut glass over here.

Chandler: Could you close a window? My nipples could cut glass over here. Phoebe: Really? Mine get me out of parking tickets.

Rachel: Marcel, did you poo in the shoe?

Ross: So, how was your date with Mr Millionaire? Chandler: Mr Millionaire, from Expensive Playthings. Third wife sold separately.

Chandler: You wanna tell secrets? Okay. In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers. Ross: All right. Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest and won. Chandler: Ross came in fourth and cried. Ross: Chandler got drunk one night and slept with the woman who cleaned our dorm. Chandler: That was you. Ross: Whatever dude. You kissed a guy.

Joey: Here it is-our last pizzas together as roommates. Chandler: I wish I'd known you were going to do that. I ordered Chinese. Joey: Oh, well, that's okay. Hey, actually, in a way it's kinda nice. You know, our last dinner together. Me, bringing the food of my ancestors; you, the food of yours.

Joey: Wow what a cool job. (Imitating the answering machine) You have two new messages. Please pass the pie.

(Ross defends his fast eating habits to Rachel) Ross: I grew up in a house with Monica, okay. If you didn't eat fast, you didn't eat.

Phoebe: (explaining to Mike's parents and friends her song) And then it goes back to the chorus, "Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault" and that's it. (pause) I know you didn't ask but no-one had spoken for fourteen minutes.

Chandler: Mental note - if Jill Goodacre offers you gum, you take it. If she offers you mangled animal carcass, you take it!

(Ross' Halloween costume) Ross: You know that Russian satellite Sputnik? Well I'm a potato which is a spud and i have my antennas. (Everyone glares at him like he's crazy) Ross: Sputnik? SPUD-nik (Joey enters) Joey: Hey. Ross came as Doody.

(Halloween costumes; Monica's Cat Woman and Phoebe's Super Girl) Phoebe: Ah so we meet again oh Cat Woman Monica: So we do oh Super Girl. Phoebe: (Laughs) It's me, Phoebe.

Phoebe: I may play the fool at times but I'm a little more than just a pretty blonde girl with an ass that won't quit.

Emily: There's someone else. Ross: Does that mean the same thing in England as it does in America?

(Upon learning he must move far away and commute to work) Ross: Why, it's like I've been given the gift of time. Chandler: That's great. Last year I got the gift of space. We should get together and make a continuum.

Ross: So, does it do something special? Chandler: Why yes Ross. Pressing my third nipple, it opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia.

Ross: I'm gonna say this as Monica's brother. Not as your friend. Chandler: So now you're not my friend? Ross: Not now. Chandler: All right. Ross: So i couldn't be happier cause you're marrying Monica. But if someday you ever hurt her, I will hunt you down and kick your ass. Chandler: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ross: What, what? I'm just warning you. I'll hunt you down and kick your ass. Chandler: Ok. So now you're my friend again? Ross: Yes. Chandler: You wouldn't believe what Monica's brother just told me...

(Phoebe is trying to raise money by selling knives) Phoebe: Ok I know what you're thinking... Chandler: Pregnant woman slays four?

Phoebe: Lily's dead. Frank Buffay Jr.: Are you sure? Phoebe: Well, if she wasn't, then cremating her was a pretty bad idea.

Monica: (about the erogenous zones) Now, most guys will hit uh, 1-2-3 and then go to 7 and set up camp. Chandler: That-that's bad? Rachel: Well if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Materhorn. Chandler: Well you might if it were anything like 7.

(They are reminiscing on their worst Thanksgivings, Phoebe remembers some from past lives) Joey: Hey, how come I can't remember my past lives? Phoebe: That's cause you're brand new honey.

Joey: I can't believe Ross is going out with Rachel's sister. Ya know, when Chandler made out with my sister, I was mad at him for, like, ten years. Chandler: That was five years ago. Joey: I know. You got five more years. Chandler: Joey... Joey: You want to make it six?

(Ross coming back from bathroom, getting ready to play poker with Rachel) Ross: Your money is mine, Green. Rachel: Your fly is open, Geller.

(Rachel just found out her husband Barry has been cheating on her) Rachel: What is it with men? Do wedding vows mean squat to you people? Ross: Wait. Didn't you spend last night at Joey's Rachel: What are you a detective?

(Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant) Joey: Look Chandler, if this is going to work you have got to listen. Your gonna throw that juice in my face aren't ya? Chandler: It's not all juice.

Monica: Dad, Chandler didn't melt your records, Ross did. Jack Geller: Is that... Monica: And Dad, you know that mailman you got fired? He didn't steal your Playboy's, Ross did. Ross: Yea, well Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did. Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year. Ross: MONICA & CHANDLER ARE LIVING TOGETHER. Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas, and got divorced, AGAIN. Phoebe: I Love Jok Custou. Rachel: I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle. Joey: I WANNA GOOOOOOO. Judy Geller: That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds.

Phoebe: My New Year's Resolution is to pilot a commercial jet plane. Chandler: That's great Pheebs, now all you have to do is find a plane load of people who's resolution is to plummet to their deaths.

Ross: It came in the mail today, it's uh, 72 long-stemmed red roses, one for each day that I've known and loved Emily, cut up into mulch.

(Ross and Rachel are trying to decide a name for their baby) Ross: OK, how about Ruth? Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, are we having an 89 year old woman?

Ross: I'm going to China Monica: China? Why? Ross: We have a bone, they want the bone so we have to take the bone over - it's a big bone thing.

Phoebe: Charlotte? You know, with the web? She has babies, then she dies. It's like, "Hey, mom, welcome home from the hospital." THUD.

Phoebe: I think the most romantic song is the one that Elton John wrote for that guy from "who's the Boss?" Monica: Which one was that? Phoebe: You know, uh, "Hold me closer, Tony Danza... ".

(Joey is trying to make Frank Jr. see sense) Joey: Think about it... You're 18, she's 44. When you're 36, she's gonna be 88. Frank Buffay Jr.: You think I don't know that?

Jill Green: All right, I'm leaving. Because I'm not going to spend one more day with someone whose out to sabotage my every move. That's you Rachel. Rachel: Yeah, I got that.

(Ross is trying to cheer Chandler up who won't get out of his sweatpants) Ross: C'mon man, just take 'em off, just take 'em off and we'll have some fun.

Chandler: Hey Joey, where do Dutch people come from? Joey: Uh... well the Pennsylvania Dutch come from Pennsylvania. Chandler: and the other Dutch come from somewhere near the Netherlands right? Joey: Nice try, see the Netherlands is this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinkerbell come from.

(Chandler's drunk from having jello shots) Monica: Stick out your tongue. Chandler: Take off your shirt.

(Joey and Ross looking at Chandler in a bathroom stall) Chandler: Joey, I'll give you $50.00 for your underpants. Joey: Can't help you, I'm not wearing any underwear. Chandler: You're not wearing any underwear? Joey: Oh, I'm getting heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.

(the Friends attend a lesbian wedding) Joey: All these women, and nothin'. Chandler: Now you know how I feel. The world is my lesbian wedding.

Monica: Are you sure you peed on the stick right? Rachel: How many ways are there to do that?

Sandra Greene: You thought I was Rachel? Chandler: Yes we did because you look so pretty. Phoebe: And because you're both, you know, white women.

Rachel: (after winning a hand of poker. sing-song to Ross) I have got your money, and you'll never see it, and your fly's still open (pause) ha, I made you look.

(on thanksgiving day) Chandler: So, when's the big game gonna start? Phoebe: You don't have to do that, Ross and Joey aren't here, you can watch the parade.

(after Ross comes in dressed as a SPUDnik) Chandler: Suddenly I don't have the worst costume anymore.

(Rachel is trying to stall Monica from getting ready) Rachel: I'll just become a lesbian Monica: Any woman would be lucky to have you

(Phoebe has been hitting on Chandler) Monica: Oh my God. She knows about us. Chandler: Are you serious? Monica: Phoebe knows about us and she's just trying to freak us out. That's the only explanation for it. Chandler: OK. But what about my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps... SHE KNOWS.

(Rachel is telling a story of how she once kissed another girl and Phoebe doesn't believe her) Phoebe: Okay it just seems a little wild and you're so... vanilla. Rachel: Vanilla? I'm not vanilla. I've done lots of crazy things. I mean I got drunk and married in Vegas. Phoebe: To Ross.

(after Chandler kisses Kathy) Joey: You're so far past the line, you can't even see the line. The line is a dot to you.

Gunther: Hey buddy, this is a family place. Put the mouse back in the house.

(Monica dates Pete, a millionaire) Chandler: (to Pete) So, how much cash is in your pocket *right now*? Monica: (to Pete) And that's why I'm not inviting you in for a drink.

(filling out a form) Monica: Are you currently on any medication? Rachel: Um, oh, wait yes. Blistex. Monica: Okay, no.

Rachel: How do we end up with these jerks? We're good people. Monica: Maybe we're like some kind of magnets. Phoebe: I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch. Monica: There's more beer right?

Phoebe: Oh, look. Ugly Naked Guy is decorating his Christmas tree. Wow, you should see the size of his Christmas balls.

Phoebe: I'm taking a Literature class at the New School. Chandler: That is so cool. Phoebe: Yeah, well I kinda liked that Lamaze class I took, but I was looking for something a little bit more intellectual, with a less painful final exam.

Rachel: (when Ross walks in) Oh there he is, the father of my child, the porn king of the west village.

Joey: (to Ross) Forget about Rachel. Go to China, eat Chinese food. Chandler: Of course there they'd just call it food.

Monica: (to everybody) We have to talk. Phoebe: Oh, I'm getting a deja-vous. All right no I'm not. Monica: All right, we have to talk. Phoebe: There it is.

(about Ross being in love with Rachel) Phoebe: This is big. No this is huge. No this is like really really... all right what's bigger than huge? Joey: Uh, this? Phoebe: Yeah.

Rachel: Joey... Why is there a book in the freezer?

(Debating whether to see Ross & Rachel's videotape) Ross: You want to see it? Rachel: Clearly, you don't want people to see it. Now I don't want people to see it either, but you so badly don't want people to see it makes me want to see it, you see? Joey: Are we watching the tape or not?

Ross: Hey, Mon, if everything works out between you and Richard's son, you will be able to tell your kids, that you slept with their grandfather.

Chandler: That's the magical story you use when you want to have sex. Rachel: How do you know about that story? Joey: How do YOU know about that story? Rachel: I heard it from my friend Irene who heard it from some guy. Joey: (raising his hand) some guy. Rachel: No, she told me his name was Ken Adams. Joey: (raising his hand again) Ken Adams.

(Phoebe just found out about Monica and Chandler's relationship) Phoebe: I can't believe it. I mean think it's great. For him, she might be able to do better.

Monica: We're supposed to be having a romantic weekend together. What's wrong with you? Chandler: I just wanted to watch a little TV. OK relax, mom. Monica: What did you just say? Chandler: I said relax, Monnn.

Tommy: So, you work at Bloomindales... My mom calls it Bloomies. Rachel: Yeah, ok, At ease soldier.

(Phoebe, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are trapped in Monica's bedroom) Joey: I'm hungry. Phoebe: We could eat the wax. It's organic. Chandler: Oh great, food with hair on it. Phoebe: No, not the used wax. Chandler: Because THAT would be crazy.

Joey: You think I need a new walk? Chandler: What? Joey: Well I've had the same walk since high school and you know how when a guy walks into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a 'take notice' walk. Chandler: Are you actually saying these words?

(All sitting around coffee table talking about their "weirdest place") Rachel: Come on, someone go. Monica: OK, I'll go, Senior year of college on a pool table. Ross: That's my sister. Joey: OK, my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York City Public Library. Monica: Oh my God. What were YOU doing in a library? Ross: Phoebs, what about you? Phoebe: Oh... Milwaukee... well it's a really weird place. Rachel: Um... Ross? Ross: Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All'. The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical dutch children... then they fixed the ride and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom. Phoebe: Oh, Rachel. Rachel: Oh come on, I already went. Monica: You did not go. Rachel: All right... oh, the foot of the bed. Ross: Step back... Joey: We have a winner.

Chandler: We loved Schteve. Schteve was schexy.

Joey: Va fa napoli.

(Rachel is upset about something) Phoebe: It's ok Pheebs. Rachel: Honey, that's your name. Phoebe: Oh. I thought that was just something we called each other.

Joey: Hey Mon, I got a question for you. Monica: Okay, for the bizillionth time, yes I see other women in the shower at the gym, and no I don't look.

Rachel: Do you know the only person who'd wanna listen to this? A mental health professional. And that's only because they get paid a hundred dollars an hour.

Phoebe: My mom used to stick her head in the oven. Actually she only did it the once, but it was pretty weird.

(At a soap opera awards show, Joey accepted an award on an absent actress' behalf) Rachel: Joey, you can't steal an award. Joey: I'm not stealing it. I'm accepting it on her behalf. Rachel: You don't even know what behalf means. Joey: I know what it means. It's a verb. As in, I behalfing it.

Joey: Ooh-ooh-ooh. Are we opening presents? Monica: No. No. I shouldn't have even opened these. I mean I - Joey, I am out of control. Joey, you have to do me a favor. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, please do not let me open another present. Okay? Joey: Okay. Monica: Give me one more. Joey: Okay. (hands her one)

Chandler: I am an excellent secret keeper. I have kept all of out secrets. Joey: What secrets? Chandler: Oh no-no, Joey, I am not going to tell you because I am an excellent secret keeper. (the girls walk away) Joey: You'll tell me later? Chandler: You already know.

Nora Bing: Hi, Chandler. This is Dennis. He's a great guy (softly) and a fantastic lover. Chandler: Hello, Dennis. Thank you for pleasing my mother so.

Phoebe: Hello, my name is Clunkers. May I please stay with you nice people?

Rachel: How long do you think, should a girl wait if a guy just broke up with his girlfriend? Phoebe: A month. Monica: Really? I'd say two or three. Joey: Half hour. Rachel: Interesting.

(Rachel doesn't take his advice) Joey: Fine. No one ever listens to me. If the package is this pretty, no one cares what's inside.

Monica: Chandler. You're smoking again? Chandler: Well, yesterday I was smoking again, and today... I'm smoking still...

(Knock at the door - it's Rachel's sister, Jill) Rachel: Oh my God, Jill. Jill Green: Oh my God, Rachel. Chandler: Oh my God, introduce us.

Monica: So, can we still be friends and have sex? Richard: Sure, it'll just be something we do together, like racquetball.

Joey: You didn't cry when Bambi's mum died? Chandler: Yes, it was so sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer.

(Chandler enters with a terrible hang-over) Monica: How ya doin'? Chandler: Well, my apartment's not there anymore because I drank it.

Rachel: Hey, Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp. Chandler: Neat. I'm gonna die alone. Rachel: Okay, you win.

(talking about Ralph Lauren) Joey: I hate his underwear. one time I brought a pair marked XS and let me tell you there's no room for anything excess in there.

Ross: (about Rachel's date Russ) Plus, it takes the guy, what, I don't know, uh, like, a week, to get a sentence out? Chandler: Yeah, it's annoying, huh?

Ross: Hey, Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart? Pheebs? Phoebe: Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart? Ross: Hey, I might.

Chandler: Rachel, it's the Visa card people. Rachel: Oh, okay. Will you take my place? Chandler: All right. (on phone) Yes, this is Rachel.

Rachel: Who's George Snuffalopagus? Phoebe: Big Bird's friend.

Phoebe: I remember the day I got my first paycheck. There was a cave-in in one of the mines, and eight people were killed. Monica: Wow, you - you worked in a mine? Phoebe: No, I worked in a Dairy Queen. Why?

Phoebe: There was a crooked man, who had a crooked smile, who lived in a shoe, for a... while...

Chandler: Listen, it's kind of an emergency. Well, I guess you know that, or we'd be in the predicament room.

Joey: Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See, I told you. Less than a hundred steps from our place to here. Chandler: You've got waaaay too much free time.

Rachel: Ooh, I'm a man. Ooh, I have a penis. Ooh, I have to win money to exert my power over women.

Rachel: Hey Ben, you know what? When you were a baby, you and I used to do all sorts of stuff together, coz I was your daddy's girlfriend. Ben: But you're not anymore. Rachel: No, no we're not. Ben: Coz you and dad were on a break.

Phoebe: You're trying to remember where you know me from? All right, I'll give you a hint... FROM PORN. Yeah, your pervert boyfriend watched me in a porno movie.

Monica: Joey, did you actually interview her before you asked her to move in? Joey: Of course I did. Monica: Well, what did you ask her? Joey: 'When can you move in?'.

Monica: Did you just smell my hair? Pete: No. Monica: Oh my God, you still have feelings for me, don't you? Pete: No I don't. Monica: None at all? Pete: Okay I love you, is that so wrong?

Joey: So, Monica. Still going out with Doctor Boring? Monica: He's not boring. He's just low key.

(to Emily's father) Jack Geller: Don't start with me, Mister Would be speaking German if it wasn't for us.

(Ross's lame Halloween costume joke) Ross's date: Oh, my god. You're Spudnik. Chandler: (to Ross) Marry her.

(Chandler has just watched a woman giving birth on tape) Chandler: Before this, the most disturbing thing I ever saw was my dad doing tequila shots off the pool boy. Now, I'd gladly use that image as my screensaver.

Katie: A paleontologist who works out... you're like "Indiana Jones." Ross: I AM like "Indiana Jones."

Monica: Now come on, Chandler, the Miami Vice soundtrack? Really? Chandler: They were just giving it away at the mall... (Monica stares) Chandler: ... in exchange for money.

Monica: You know Phoebe, a heart attack is nature's way of telling you to slow down. Chandler: I thought a heart attack was nature's way of telling you to die.

(Ross got Joey a job at the museum, as a tour guide) Rachel: But shouldn't you know what you're talking about? Joey: Yeah, but they tell me everything I need to know. It's like reading a script. Like, "this is a Tyranosaurus Rex a creature from the Jurassic period". (everyone approves) Ross: Actually, Joey, it's the Cretaceous period. Joey: Yeah, but, I can pronounce Jurassic.

Parker: I'm sorry if I put a good spin on everything. It's who I am, I'm a positive person. Phoebe: No, I'm a positive person. You're like Santa Claus... on prozac... in Disney Land... getting laid.

Phoebe: I'm going to get a coffee. Anybody want anything? Monica: I'll have a latte. Ross: I'll have a blueberry muffin, with a decaf. Chandler: I'll have a bagel with a little... Phoebe: You know I was just being polite.

(In Ross's apartment) Amy: Could I take this call upstairs? Ross: Sure... but we don't live there. Amy: (to Rachel) I thought he was a doctor. Rachel: He has a Phd. Amy: Ewww...

Monica: Hey, Amy. Is this the first time you see Emma? Amy: I think so... (looks at Phoebe) Amy: Hi Emma. Phoebe: Phoebe. Amy: That's a funny noise.

Chandler: Now, honey, I know you don't like to relinquish control... Monica: That's just another word for "lose".

(Chandler fell asleep, during Joey's movie. The credits roll, and Chandler wakes up) Chandler: Great show. Good work, Joey. Joey: You liked it? Chandler: Liked it? I loved it. Joey: What did you like best about it? Chandler: I liked... everything the whole show. Joey: What about the specifics? Chandler: Specifics? Specifics were the best part. Joey: What about the scene with the kangaroo? Chandler: I... I was surprised to see a kangaroo in a World War I epic. Joey: You fell asleep. There was no kangaroo. They didn't take any of my suggestions.

Chandler: Look, when Monica comes in, mention fire trucks. Joey: Why? Chandler: There's this guy at her work that she says is the funniest guy she ever met. Joey: How could she do that? She know being funny is your thing. Chandler: I know. So could you mention fire trucks when she comes in. Joey: I don't know. I'm not too good at memorizing lines. Chandler: (sarcastically) It's a good thing you don't have to do that for a living. Joey: I know.

Monica: Rachel, you have to find Chandler's dad. Rachel: Ok, what does he look like? Monica: He's the man in the black dress. Hurry. Rachel: Ok...

Ross: Wow, Joey, that's a steamy picture. Joey: Yeah, I know. The magazine said it was for my gay fans. (winks at Ross) Ross: Why'd you wink at me? Joey: Don't look at me. You're the one who like the picture so much.

Joey: (thinking) OK, I have no feelings for Rachel. No feelings at all. She's just a friend. I mean, I might have had some feelings for her, but now they're all gone. All of them. As a matter of fact, I don't think I ever had feelings for Rachel. (Rachel walks into the room) Rachel: Hey, sweetie. Joey: (thinking) I love you.

Monica: Look, Joey feels really bad for what happened. He thinks you hate him. He wants to move to Vermont. Ross: I don't hate him. It's just... You know what, I'll go talk to him. It's not his fault. Monica: Thank you. He already asked me where he could exchange his dollars for Vermont money.

(Phoebe thinks Joey has a crush on her) Phoebe: Look, Joey, I know about your feelings. Joey: Oh, you do? Phoebe: Yeah, and I don't think it could happen. Joey: I know. I mean it's not just my friend Rachel, it's my pregnant with Ross's child friend Rachel. Phoebe: Uhh... Yeah, Rachel, I mean you two are friends. (under her breath) Kick me in the stomach why don't you. Joey: What? Phoebe: Nothing. You know, maybe it's just a crush, it doesn't mean you love her. Joey: You think? Phoebe: Yeah. I mean I've had them for you guys... except for Ross and Chandler. I'm sure you had them for us before, right? Joey: No, not really. Phoebe: (under her breath) Throw me a friggin' bone here, will ya?

(Monica and Chandler come back from London) Phoebe: Oh, my god. You had sex. Monica: No, we didn't. Phoebe: (to Chandler) I know YOU didn't, I'm saying she did.

Phoebe: Ok, I got an idea. If it's a girl, Phoebe, naturally. And, if it's a boy... Phoebo. Ross: Uhh... Sure, but let's not limit ourselves to just one name. Rachel: Ok, I got one. If it's a girl... Sandrine. It's French. Ross: That's a great name... for an industrial solvent. Rachel: Ok, you got a better one? Ross: Yeah, check this out. If it's a boy - Darwin. Rachel: Yes, Ross, I do want a son who'll be regularly beaten in the schoolyard. Phoebe: By Sandrine.

Joey: Ok, Phoebe. This is for the kids, later on. You got something you want to say? Phoebe: Hi, kids. I can't wait to see you. Please don't hurt me.

(Phoebe is in labor) Frank Buffay Jr.: Hey. I came as soon as I heard. Phoebe: Hey. Where's Alice? Frank Buffay Jr.: Oh, she's in Delaware. But, don't worry, she told me all about the lamazda training. Chandler: Yes, that would be if you get the babies out by the end of the month, you get 2% financing.

Dr Harad: Hello, I'm Dr Harad. I'm going to be delivering your babies. And by the way, I love Fonzie.

Rachel: I think it's a great thing you're having for Frank and Alice. Phoebe: Can I tell you a secret? I'm gonna keep one. Rachel: Oh, my god. I'm going to be on the news...

Joey: C'mon. I got *your* secrets, I got *their* secrets; I got secrets of my own you know. Rachel: (rolling her eyes) You don't have any secrets Joey: Oh yeah? Well you don't know about Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal. (blushes, embarrassed)

(Rachel approaches a woman, who she thinks is Chandler's dad) Rachel: Hi, I'm Rachel. And you are? Woman: Amanda. Rachel: Oh... I get it. A-man-duh.

Joey: I don't get it. Why can't we use the same toothbrush? We use the same soap. Chandler: That's different. The toothbrush has been in my mouth. Joey: OK. But next time you're in the shower, think of the first place you're washing, and the last place I washed.

Ross: I'm really going to have to settle down. I'm beginning to feel like a nomad. (Joey giggles) Ross: What's so funny? Chandler: He thought you said "gonad".

(Chandler and Joey got two lawn chairs, a chick and a duck) Chandler: Could we BE more white trash?

(in Richard's apartment) Chandler: Oh, my god. Look at this tape. It says 'Monica'. Joey: So? Chandler: Think about it. Ex-boyfriend's apartment, videotape with her name on it... (Joey looks thoughtful) Chandler: Get there faster. (Joey thinks for a few seconds) Joey: Ohhhh.

Chandler: Wow. What a kitchen. (looks further inside) Slash, bathroom.

(Ross and Rachel are picking out names for their baby, and have each 5 vetoes) Ross: Curie. Rachel: Veto. Rain. Ross: Veto. Mark. Rachel: Veto. Vince. Ross: Veto. Lance. Rachel: Veto. James. Ross: Hmmm... Rachel: If it's a girl. Ross: Veto. Phoebe: Is it just me, or is Vito beginning to sound real good?

Phoebe: Observe the art of seduction. Watch, learn, and don't eat my cookie.

(Everyone calls Chandler, who is in Tulsa, on speakerphone) Monica: So, is everyone else working on Christmas Eve, too? Chandler: No, I sent everyone home. Monica: You are such a good boss. Chandler: Yeah, I know. It's just me and Wendy. Monica: Who's Wendy? That sounds like a girl's name. Chandler: Well, yeah... Joey: Oh, Wendy was the one who was runner up for Ms Oklahoma. Monica: You're in alone in the same room as the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma? Chandler: Well... The second prettiest THAT year. If you count it now, she's probably the... Rachel: Oh, Chandler, stop talking.

Phoebe: You know, Chandler, you being here is the best gift I could ask for Christmas. Chandler: Aww. Thanks Pheebs. Phoebe: Ok, now where's my real present?

Chandler: So, I guess this is it. Monica: What's it? Chandler: Well, it's over. The thing we had. Monica: Why? Chandler: Because, we had a fight. I mean... Monica: Chandler, you don't just give up after you have a fight. I mean, if you do that you'd never have a relationship lasting longer than... Ohhhhh.

Monica: Oh, my god. Chandler. Why aren't you in Tulsa? Won't you get fired? Chandler: They can't fire me because I quit. I mean, why should everybody else do what they like, except for me. Monica: Oh, I'm so happy. Chandler: And, by the way, here are your Christmas presents. (hands out envelopes to everyone) Ross: (opens envelope) "A donation has been made in your name to the New York Ballet". (everyone looks disapprovingly at Chandler) Chandler: Ok, I don't have a JOB.

Eddie: Ok. You want me to move out? Fine. I just want to hear you say it. Chandler: Fine. Eddie I would like you to move out. Eddie: No, that's no good. I want you to say it with your mouth.

Monica: Phoebe and Gary think they're the hottest couple. So, to prove them wrong we have to go and have a ton of sex. Chandler: Monica, this is stupid. Just to prove them wrong you're willing to go and have hours and hours of sex. Oh, my God. Why am I saying no to this? Get your coat.

Chandler: Oh, my God. You know what just happened? You just freaked out about our relationship. Monica: I did not. Chandler: Yes, you did. Just admit it. Monica: All right, all right. I admit it, I freaked out a little. Chandler: A little? You freaked out *big time*. You know what just happened? I became the relationship master, and you turned into the bumbling screw-up. We have now switched places. Take that. (Chandler does a victory dance, while Monica stares at him) Chandler: (stops dancing) And, we're back to where we were...

Monica: All right, I'm going to tell him that its not going to happen. (as she starts to leave, Chandler does his victory dance) Monica: DON'T DO THE DANCE. Chandler: Got it.

(Jack knows that Richard is dating a younger woman, but doesn't know that it's actually Monica) Jack Geller: Come on, tell us. Jack's friend: Yeah. Is she really 20? Richard: I'm not telling you guys anything. Jack Geller: Come on, Rich. It's my birthday, let me live vicariously. Ross: Dad, you really don't want to do that. Jack Geller: Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis between friends? Richard: Jack, would you let it go? Jack Geller: Look, I know what you're going through. When I turned 50 I got my Porsche. You... you got your own speedster. Richard: Guys, seriously, it's not like that. Jack Geller: Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I could... Ross: Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence.

Monica: Did you get any sleep? Did you talk to Barry? I CAN'T STOP SMILING. Rachel: I know, it looks like you slept with a hanger in your mouth.

Chandler: All right. You guys don't have to stop having fun just 'cause I'm here. You don't have to feel bad, either. Kathy didn't cheat on all of you... (to Joey) Well, except you.

(Monica thinks that Chandler has a shark fetish) Monica: Do you want me to get inside the bathtub and thrash around?

(Ross is selling girl scout cookies) Chandler: So, how many boxes did you sell? Ross: 517. Chandler: Wow. Ross: Yeah, I know. A week ago, I was at the planetarium, and as they were leaving I sold like 50 boxes. That's when I realized what sells a lot of these- munchies. After that, I started hitting NYU dorms around midnight. They call me "Cookie Duuuude".

Phoebe: What happens to the old Christmas trees? Joey: They go into the chipper. Phoebe: Why do I get the feeling that's not as happy as it sounds?

(Ross was selling girl scout cookies) Chandler: Tell us what happened, Brown Bird Ross. Ross: I lost. I only got second place. This one girl gave her girl scout outfit to her 19 year old sister. She went down to the U.S.S Nimitz and sold 2000 boxes.

Janine: 3, 2, 1. Happy New Year. (kisses Joey) Joey: (mumbles) Oomchimawa.

(At an advance taping of "Dick Clark's Rocking New Year's Eve") Director: All right. All of you guys just dance and don't look at the cameras. Any questions? Ross: Yeah. When is this going to air. (Nobody laughs except for Ross and Monica) Director: Yeah. Let's start. Joey: Hey, Ross. When IS this going to air?

(In mens' room) Joey: Hey, Tall Guy. How's it going? Tall Guy: Good. Joey: You know that girl who's your dancing partner? Tall Guy: Yeah, tell me about it. I was almost about to bring my wife. Joey: Yeah, well, I kinda came with her. And, I hoping... Tall Guy: No. Joey: Come on, man. I've been trying to ask her out for a month, now. I had this plan where I kiss her on the New Year's countdown. Tall Guy: I can see where you're coming from. But... no. Sorry she's fair game. Joey: ... All right, that's fair. (throws water at Tall guy's crotch) Tall Guy: Hey. What're you, in second grade? Joey: Hey. You're the one wetting your pants.

(Rachel, Phoebe and Chandler are looking for Monica's Christmas presents) Phoebe: Oh, my god. Under the couch. (takes out bag) Rachel: We got one. It's a Macy's bag. (turns it over and an old shoe falls out) Phoebe: Yay. Who's it for? Rachel: (reads note attached to shoe) "Dear suckers, do you really think I would hide presents under the couch. P.S.: Chandler, I knew they'd break you." Phoebe: Oh, no. I think she might be on to us.

(Ross and Chandler have been arm wrestling for a long time) Ross's Date: Wow. They must both be very strong. Joey: Or equally weak.

(Ross asked Rachel to bring Joey to help move the couch but brought Chandler instead) Ross: So, did you bring Joey? Rachel: Uh, no, but I brought the next best thing. (Chandler walks in) Ross: Chandler. You brought Chandler. The next best thing would be Monica. Chandler: Normally, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong.

Phoebe: (about Ross) I'm trying not to be mad at him, but man that guy can push my buttons. Monica: Why are so mad at him? Phoebe: Look, I don't wanna talk about it. Okay? Monica: Well, it just seems that... Phoebe: You wanna be on my list too? Keep talking. Has anyone seen my list by the way? Chandler: Uh, no Pheebs. What's it look like? Phoebe: It's a piece of paper and it says "Ross" on it.

(Frank was supposed to name one of his sons after Chandler) Frank Buffay Jr.: Chandler is a girl. Chandler is a girl. Chandler: Hold on, kindergarten flashback. Frank Buffay Jr.: No, there was a mistake. It turns out that we missed it on the x-rays, the baby was a girl after all. Chandler is a girl. Chandler is a girl. Chandler is a girl. Chandler: Oh, please keep screaming that.

Ross: Chandler Muriel Bing... Your parents never gave you a chance.

(after hearing about Chandlers breakup with Janice) Phoebe: Where's Chandler? Joey: He's grieving. (We see Chandler running outside) Chandler: I'M FREE. I AM FREE.

Rachel: I had a baby. Amy: I decorated dad's office. Rachel: Ah yeah. Well unless you pushed a desk out of your vagina, not the same thing.

Rachel: I would like to invite Amy to Thanksgiving. Ross: You know, I think that's a great idea. It'll be like the Pilgrims bringing the Indians syphilis.

Monica: Yeah, like Ross and Rachel are so responsible. Emma is the product of a bottle of Merlot and a five year old condom.

Rachel: I mean, is that woman capable of talking about anything else but sex? Joey: Yeah sure. Well, you know earlier she was talking about geography. Monica: Joey, she was listing the countries she's done it in. Joey: Well, I think we all learned something.

Monica: I can't believe my dad saw us having sex. He didn't make it to one of my piano recitals, but this he sees.

Phoebe: Well, I'm a pacifist. But, when the revolution comes, I'll destroy all of you. (pause) Except for you, Joey.

Monica: I think I'd be great in a war. I'd, like, get all the medals. Chandler: Before or after you're executed by your own troops?

Phoebe: Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap, asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap. He said all you need is to write them a song. Now you haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along. No don't sing along. Monica, Monica, have a happy Hannukah. I saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross. And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy. And Rachel and Chandler... have a (mumble) handlerrrrr.

Monica: Joey, you've been acting weird for a couple of days, now. What's wrong? Joey: Nothing... Well, something. I kinda had a dream, sorta... Ahh, forget it. Chandler: Come on. What if Martin Luther King said that- "I kinda had a dream, sorta... "?

Joey: Yeah, it's just like that thing about Santa. Phoebe: What thing about Santa? Joey: You know, that he doesn't exist. Phoebe: Oh yeah. Of course. Joey: Ok, see you later. (leaves) Phoebe: Bye. (stares, terrified)

Chandler: And, Joey, while I'm gone don't let Ross look at any maps of the States or the globe in your apartment. Joey: Don't worry. It's not a globe of the United States.

Chandler: Time's up. Pheebs, how many you got? Phoebe: Well, I started naming states, but then I got tired of it. So, I started naming different types of celery. So far I only got one- regular celery. Chandler: ... Okay, Phoebe's got the lead in vegetables. Rach? Rachel: 48. Chandler: Not bad. Joey? Joey: Behold the new champion of Chandler's stupid state game. Ross: How many you got? Joey: 56.

Phoebe: You still love Rachel. Ross: No, I don't. Phoebe: You got married to her. Ross: In Vegas. I was so drunk, I could've married Joey. Phoebe: (angry) Hey. You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribianni.

Chandler: Now, remember, Ben, keep your balance. Ben: Thanks, daddy. Ross: No, remember, Ben, two mommies, one daddy.

Ross: That's amazing. How did you know she would buy scotch tape? Chandler: 'Cause Joey and me used theirs up last night, making scary faces.

(Ross's cousin is very attractive) Cassie: The last time we were together was in that cabin our parents rented. Remember that? Ross: Yeah. I tickled you until you cried... We're probably too old for that. Cassie: Yeah. I'll never forget that summer. That's when I got these freckles. (reveals a part of her shoulder, showing her bra strap) Ross: Whoa. Yeah. I'll never forget that summer either. That's the summer I, uh, figured out that we're related. Cassie: It took you that long to figure it out? Ross: Yeah, I'm a little slow. (softly) Ross: Just like our children would be...

Cassie: Wow. You do a great Chandler. Ross: Wha?... Huh?... Oh, yeah. I, uh, do a lot of impressions. (laughs nervously) Ross: It's, uh, a hobby. Cassie: Oh, well, maybe when we catch up you could do me. Ross: Ye- No.

Chandler: You can't wear Batman's tux. I got James Bond's tux. You'll ruin the special time for me. Ross: Look, you're marrying the woman you love. It's special enough. Chandler: (mimics Ross) Me me me me me meh. Don't do this to me. I wouldn't do anything on your wedding to make you upset. Ross: At my wedding, you slept with my sister. Chandler: 'Cause that's what 007 would do.

(On living alone) Joey: I thought it'd be great, you know? have some time alone with my thoughts... turns out, I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think.

(When one of Ross' male students claims to be in love with him) Ross: I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid. What-what-what-what is it? Am I giving out some kind of... sexy professor vibe? Rachel: Not right now.

Chandler: (comes home) Hey. Monica: Hey. Guess who's coming to Thanksgiving dinner? Chandler: Sidney Poitier? (laughs by himself) Monica: (pause) I miss Rachel...

Joey: They want me to do frontal nudity. I can't do that. My grandmother's gonna see that movie. Phoebe: Well, grandma's gonna have to get in line. (winks at Joey)

(Joey and Chandler are looking at the apartment that Richard is selling) Catherine: All the appliances are included. There is a lot of light, a new kitchen... I think you guys would be very happy here. (Joey and Chandler laugh) Chandler: No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. We're not together. We're not a couple. We're definitely not a couple. Catherine: Oh. Okay. Sorry. Joey: Well... you seem pretty insulted by that. What? I'm not good enough for you? Chandler: We're not gonna' have this conversation again.

Chandler: My dad slept with Mr Gribaldi. Monica: Who's Mr Gribaldi? Chandler: DOES IT MATTER?

Monica: Pack your things, we're going to Vegas. Chandler: You mean, we're just gonna elope? This is great. We're gonna save so much money. And, no more pain-in-the-ass planning. (Monicas stares at him) Oh, we're not going to elope. We have so much money, could our wedding please be bigger?

Charles Bing: Hello, Nora. Nora Bing: Hello, Charles. Charles Bing: Well, it's nice to see all of you. Although we are seeing a bit too much of some. Aren't you a little old to be wearing a dress like that? Nora Bing: Don't you have a little too much penis to be wearing a dress like that!

Chandler: Here's something I hope I never have to say again. My dad called, and he asked me if he can borrow one of your pearl necklaces. Monica: Oh, I don't have anything like that. I'll go see if Rachel has one. Chandler: Yes, include more people in this.

(Joey is starring in a World War I epic) Ross: Why are you wearing sunglasses? Joey: Well, I figure if I wore them the guy wouldn't spit in my eyes so much when he talks. Ross: Yeah, and if I remember correctly, "Rayban" was the official sponsor of World War I. Joey: Really? Great.

Ross: Ok, Monica once got a pencil stuck in a certain part of her body. What body part was it? (Chandler whispers the answer in Ross' ear) Ross: EEWW NO. Her EAR.

Ross: Ok, look. You don't have to get married. We can just go home and take a shower. That's not so scary is it? Chandler: Depends on what you mean by "we".

Chandler: Ok, I'm just going to go outside. Ross: Whoa, whoa, hold it. Chandler: Don't worry. I'm not going to run away again. I just want to get some fresh air. Ross: Ok. Chandler: (exits into hallway and lights a cigarette) Ahh, fresh air...

(Chandler is walking down the aisle with both his parents) Chandler: You look beautiful mom. Nora Bing: Thanks, dear. Charles Bing: Ahem. Chandler: You... look beautiful too, dad.

(Ross is walking down the aisle at Chandler and Monica's wedding) Ross: Wow. This is the first time I've walked down the aisle without the possibility of it ending in divorce.

Ross: All right, I'll tell you why you're a bad driver. You're fast and irresponsible. Rachel: Well, excuse me but in high school that made me head cheerleader.

Rachel: (on the phone with her dad) Well, maybe it's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait. I said maybe.

(Rachel is supposed to be cutting up her credit cards) Everybody: Cut, cut, cut, cut. Rachel: (cuts a card) You know what? I think we can leave it at that. It was kind of a symbolic gesture... Monica: Rachel, that was a library card. (Everybody cheers her on, and she reluctantly cuts a credit card) Chandler: You know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.

Ross: (clinks wine glass) Uhh, excuse me. If I could have everybody's attention. I'm Ross Geller. Jack Geller: DR. Ross Geller. Ross: Dad... Please. Anyway, as I was saying, I'm Dr Ross Geller...

Monica: (about Chandler's mother's new boyfriend) So, how did you two meet? Nora Bing: Well, actually, it's a funny story... Chandler: Funny, "ha ha"? Or, funny- (makes a gun with his hand and pretends to blow his brains out)

Ross: Rachel won't talk to me. She won't even let me in the apartment. Phoebe: Hmmm, I wonder why, pervert? Ross: I'm not a pervert. Phoebe: Please, that's the pervert motto. They have you raise your right hand, put your left hand in your pants and say that.

(Chandler is caught smoking) Phoebe: Oh, I can't believe you. You've been so good, for three years. Chandler: And this- is my reward. Ross: Hold on a second, all right? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit. Chandler: Okay, so this time I won't quit.

Joey: So, what, you just want to stay here and wait for Rachel to come back from her date? Ross: Yeah. I mean, this guy could be my baby's stepfather. Joey: They go out on one date and you worry about her marrying him? He's not you.

Joey: I am telling this to Rachel. Monica: No, Joey. Joey: Unless... Chandler: Unless what? Joey: Unless you name your first born after me. Chandler: What? Why? Joey: Because, I may never have kids. Somebody's gonna have to carry on my family name. Chandler: Your family name is Tribianni. (pause) Joey: Oh ho ho. You almost had me there.

Monica: Look, Chandler, I feel really bad about this. Please have this bachelor party. Chandler: No. Monica: Stop being a baby and watch the hot woman get naked. Chandler: ... All right. Joey: YEAH. Chandler: But, I'm only doing this for you... And Joey. Monica: Ok, so who's going to be there? Chandler: No, no, no. Just Ross and Joey is humiliating enough. Ross: Well, actually, I have a date tonight. Chandler: Yeah, I understand. What kind of guy would blow off a date for a fake bachelor party. Joey: (on cell phone) Yeah, baby, I'm not gonna make it tonight...

Mona: Thanks for showing me your pre-fossilized rock collection. You got 300 of them. It was fascinating. So, we still on for tonight? Ross: Sure. Mona: Ok. Bye. Ross: Bye. Chandler: (to Ross) Wow, you must be great in bed.

Joey: You two were having sex. Monica: No, we weren't. Joey: Yeah, you were. I can see it by the back of Chandler's hair. (to Chandler) You are so lazy, can't you get on top for once?

(Flashback scene, 3 years before the pilot) Phoebe: (looks through window) Cute Naked Guy is really starting to put on weight.

Chandler: (to a woman) Come on, I'll show you to my room... Wow, that sounds weird when it's not followed by "No thanks, it's late".

Chandler: (to Ross) Three failed marriages, two illegitimate children... The personal ad writes itself.

Joey: (about a poker hand) There was chocolate on the 3. It looked like an 8. All right? Ross: You should've seen him. "Read 'em and weep". Chandler: And then he did.

Phoebe: Look, I had a hard life. My mother was killed by a drug dealer. Monica: Phoebe, your mom killed herself. Phoebe: She was a drug dealer.

Chandler: Yo, paisan. Can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor is a very bad man. Joey: Frankie? What are you talking about? Ross: Hey, what's going on? Chandler: Joey's tailor... took advantage of me. Ross: What? Joey: No way. I've been going to that guy for 12 years. Chandler: Oh, come on. He said he was going to do my inseam, and then he ran his hand up my leg. And then, there was definite... cupping. Joey: That's how they do pants. First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. (Chandler and Ross stare at him) What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants? Ross: Yes. Yes, it is... In prison.

Phoebe: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason. Chandler: Maureen Rosilla. Ross: "'Cause she doesn't hate Yanni" is not a real reason.

(Joey has to sleep with a woman to get a part) Joey: I just don't think that I want it that way though, you know? I mean, let's say I do make it, all right? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of... y'know, the Little General. Chandler: Didn't you use to call it the Little Major? Joey: Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it.

Ross: (on Monica's phone) Yeah, Tony, hold on. (gets second line) Hello? Yeah, she's right here. Hold on. (returns to second line) Yeah, Tony I'll call you back. It's my sister's boyfriend. (switches back to second line) Monica: Give me that. (into phone) Hi sweetie. Before I forget, did I leave my diaphragm at your house? (pause) Oh, hi mom. (starts throwing things at Ross)

Chandler: I'm not so good with the advice... Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

(after Joey told Rachel he loved her, she told him her boss wanted to buy her baby in order to make things less awkward) Rachel: Joey, I'm really sorry that I lied to you. I was just trying to make things... Joey: I know. I know. Rachel: It kinda worked. I mean you know, I don't know about you but I haven't thought about our thing since all this. Joey: Hey you're right. Yeah, it's kinda been like us again a little bit. Rachel: Yeah I know. I miss that. Joey: Me too. I mean I... haven't thought at all about how I put myself out there and said all that stuff and how you didn't feel the same way about me and-and how it was really awkward. (long, awkward pause) Rachel: My gynecologist tried to kill me.

Chandler: (about Richard) Oh hey listen, don't be mad at him, it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hoggin so much of his time. Joey: Yeah, he's just really great to hang around with. Richard: Well... Joey: No, I'm serious. Chandler and I were just talkin' about this. He is so much cooler than our dads. (Chandler kicks, out of sight) I mean, you know, our dads are okay, you know? But Richard is just- ow, ow. (to Chandler) What are you kickin' me for, huh? I'm tryin' to talk here.

(At an audition) Joey: Come on, give me another chance. I can do a southern accent. (with Jamaican accent) Ya, mon.

Joey: You guys have to be at the next table in case I, you know, start to say something stupid. Ross: Just now, or all the time? Because we have jobs you know.

Interviewer: One last question. Other than "Days of Our Lives" what other soap operas do you watch? Joey: Oh I don't watch soap operas. I mean excuse me, I have a life you know. Interviewer: Thank you. I'm sure the readers of Soap Opera Digest will be very interested to hear that.

Joey: In my spare time I... uh... read to the blind. And I'm also a Mento for the kids. You know, a mento... a role model. Interviewer: A Mento? Joey: Right. Interviewer: Like the candy? Joey: Matter of fact, I do.

(to Joey's stalker who thinks he is Drake Remore) Joey: I'm not Drake. Ross: That's right, he's not Drake, he's Hans Remore, Drake's evil twin. Erica: Is this true? Rachel: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because... because he pretended to be Drake too, to sleep with me. (Rachel throws water in his face) Monica: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't. (Rachel throws water in his face) Chandler: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. (Chandler throws water in his face)

Phoebe: So let's say I'm the interviewer and I'm meeting you for the first time. Okay. Hi. Come on in, I'm uh, Regina Philange. Chandler: Chandler Bing. Phoebe: Bing, what an unusual name. Chandler: Well you should meet my uncle, Bada. (pause) I'll let myself out.

Joey: She's so great. She kisses like my mom cooks. Monica: I am so glad you said "cooks".

Monica: So you wanna? Chandler: OK. (pauses) I can't. Monica: (Snaps) Well you're not 18 anymore, but give it a minute. Chandler: I can't because of Emma. Monica: Oh, Emma, Sweetie, I forgot you were here.

(One of Ross's students wrote a flirtatious evaluation of his class) Chandler: So, who is she? Ross: I don't know. The evaluations were anonymous. Joey: Well, do you still have their final exams? Ross: Yeah. Joey: Well, it's simple. You take the final exams and the evaluations, you see whose handwriting matches, and boom. You got your admirer. Chandler: A hot chick is at stake and suddenly he's Rain Man.

Joey: Well, I'm sorry if I'm not a middle-aged black woman. And I'm also sorry if sometimes I go to the wrong audition.

Phoebe: Where are the seats exactly? Ross: Middle balcony. Phoebe: Now would you say that that's more than fifty yards away from Sting, his wife, or a member of his family? Ross: Yeah. Phoebe: Than it's not breaking the law. I can go.

Monica: Anyway, are you gonna get a handyman to install all this stuff? Rachel: No, I was going to do this all by myself. Joey: (laughs) You're gonna do it? Rachel: Yeah. Why, you don't think a woman can do this? Joey: Oh, women can. You... can't.

Ross: I love marriage. Phoebe: Seriously? You?... Divorce-O?

(after having sex with Rachel's boss) Rachel: You promised you would break up with her. Chandler: I did break up with her. She just took it really, really well.

Rachel: I don't want my baby's first words to be "How You Doing"

Ross: If you're going to call me names, I would prefer Ross, the Divorce Force. It's just cooler.

(Everyone is eating dinner at a fancy restaurant. Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel don't want to order something expensive because they can't afford it) Rachel: I will have the uh, (whispers) side salad. Waiter: (whispers) And what will that be on the side of? Rachel: Uh, I don't know. Why don't you put it right here next to my water?

Monica: Whose little ball of paper is this? Chandler: Oh, it's mine. I wrote a note to myself, and then I realized I didn't need, so I balled it up... (notices Monica's angry glare) Chandler: And now I wish I was dead.

(Ross's hand is in a cast and he is struggling to write something down) Joey: Hey, do you need any help? Ross: Why, does it look like I'm having trouble with my mis-shapened claw?

Rachel: (upon receiving her first paycheck) Who's FICA? Why is he getting all my money?

Joey: I play Doctor Drake Ramoray. Sarah: I'm sorry. I don't own a t.v. Joey: You don't own a t.v.? What's all your furniture pointed at?

(Joey and Chandler are trying to break into a closet) Joey: Do you have a bobby pin? Chandler: Wait. (runs hands through hair) Oh, that's right. I'm NOT an eight year-old girl. Joey: Really? Then why do you throw like one?

(In a Scottish Accent, on the phone) Rachel: Oh Hello Dr Geller. This is Professor McNulty from the fake accent University. We'd like you to come on board with us full time.

Roger: Maybe you wanted your marriage with Carol to fail. Ross: No. Why would I why. No. Why. Roger: Siblings. You fail at something so your sibling will look better in the eyes of your parents. Ross: I don't think that Monica's failures... Monica: Oh, so I'm a failure now is that it? I'm a bigger failure than you, is that right? Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good.

Rachel: Well, it was about half an hour before the wedding and I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents and someone had bought us this beautiful Limoges gravy boat. And then it hit me. I realized I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry.

Ross: Don't you want a washboard stomach and rock-hard abs? Chandler: No. I want a flabby gut and saggy man-breasts.

(In Vegas, Phoebe is annoyed by a 'lurker') Phoebe: Everyone you lurk, I'm gonna lurk right behind you, and I'll be on your ass every hour of every day... until Monday... coz that's when I leave. When do you leave? Lurker: Also Monday. Phoebe: What time? Maybe we can share a cab.

(In Vegas, Ross and Rachel are drunk in their hotel room) Rachel: (Picking up the phone) Hello? Vegas? Yes, we would like some more alcohol, and you know, we would like some more beers too... hello? Oh wait... I forgot to dial. (There is a knock at the door) Ross: That must be our alcohol and beers.

Rachel: I'm not someone who goes after a guy five minutes after he's divorced. Monica: No, you go after them five minutes before they get married...

(talking to Monica) Chandler: Yeah, I know it must be important to you when you start chattering like a monkey.

Joey: All you have to do is pretend to be Mike. Mike: I am Mike. Joey: Attaboy.

(Joey is posing as a doctor in order to get information about a patient that Phoebe likes) (Just been told the patients date of birth) Joey: Age... ? Patient: Can't you work that out by my date of birth? Joey: I'm a doctor, not a mathematician.

Tag: Phoebe? Wow... that's a great name. Phoebe: Oh you like that? You should hear my phone number...

Monica: Do you ever think about the future? Richard: Yeah, I think about the future. Monica: Am I in it? Richard: You are my future. Monica: Honey, you are about to get so lucky.

Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid. Joey, Chandler: That's nice. Ross: No, no, with him. I'm on this field, and they, they hike me the baby. I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is comin' right at me. Joey: Tampa Bay's got a terrible team. Ross: Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, I just heave it downfield. Chandler: What are you crazy? That's a baby! Joey: He should take the sack? Ross: Anyway, suddenly I'm downfield, and I realize that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See, I am so not ready to be a father. Chandler: Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad. Joey: Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking.

Rachel: Hey you! When you left, my boss Johanna started asking questions about you... Chandler: Aw, like what she saw huh? Dug my action did she? Checkin' out The Chan-Chan Man!

(Chandler and Joey are being lazy in new recliners, and Chandler ordered pizza to be delivered to Monica's) Chandler: Pizza's on the way. I told you we wouldn't have to get up. Joey: What if we have to pee? (pause) Chandler: I'll cancel the sodas...

Ross: Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breasts? Rachel: 14. Ross: No, 19. Chandler: Thanks, man.

Chandler: You've got a male nanny? You've got a manny?

Phoebe: A plate of brownies once told me a Limerick. Chandler: Let me ask you, Phoebe: were these "funny brownies"? Phoebe: Not particularly. Although I do think they had pot in them.

Joey: Is Phoebe here with the cab yet? Chandler: Yeah, she brought the invisible cab. Jump in.

(Chandler and Monica run into Richard and his new girlfriend) Richard: I see your hair grew long. Monica: Yeah, like you always wanted to. I see you grew your mustache back. Richard: Yeah, my nose was getting lonely. Chandler: (to Richard's date) It's a good thing you don't have a mustache. (laughs, stops abruptly and extends his hand) Hi, I'm Chandler and I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable.

(Joey's mom is talking about his father's mistress) Gloria Tribbiani: In a perfect world, she wouldn't exist. And your father would look like Sting.

Chandler: You know what they say, ask your slippers a question... you're going crazy.

Chandler: You took your eggs and you left. Do you really expect me never to find new eggs?

Phoebe: Soap Opera Digest. That's one of my favorite digests.

(Chandler's roommate, Eddie has just accused him of sleeping with his ex girlfriend and killing his fish) Phoebe: Why would you kill his fish? Chandler: Because, Phoebe, sometimes after you sleep with someone you have to kill a fish.

Chandler: Ding dong, the psycho's gone.

Chandler: So, is he house trained or is he going to leave little bathroom tiles all over the place?

Richard: (about Chandler & Joey) They're different from my other friends, they don't start sentences with "you know who just died shoveling snow?"

Joey: There's no juice for the people who need the juice and want the juice and I need the juice.

Rachel: How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?

Chandler: Goodbye, you fruit drying psychopath.

(Joey has to keep everyone in his apartment) Judy Geller: Well, we'll get going. Jack Geller: Bye. (both leave) Monica: Hey. How come they get to leave? Joey: Hey, Jack is a great man. He fought for our country. Monica: No, he didn't. He pretended to be a Quaker to get out of Korea.

(hitting on a lesbian at Carol and Susan's wedding) Chandler: You know what, penis, shmenis we're all people.

Joey: Oh. I got it. Ok, everyone pick a number from one to ten. All right? Whoever gets the highest number gets to go first. Monica: Ok, ten. Joey: Okay, Monica picks ten, I call nine. Anyone else? Phoebe: No, lets just draw straws. Joey: Or... we could flip a coin, and then multiply the... Chandler: I'm begging you stop.

(Joey enters the apartment carrying a bag) Joey: Man, it is so hard to shop for girls. (Chandler looks at the bag) Chandler: Yes, it is... at Office Max.

(Joey is having trouble getting a birthday present for Kathy) Chandler: All right, look, look. What did... what did you get for Angela Delveccio for her birthday? Joey: She didn't have a birthday while we were going out. Chandler: For three years?

Ross: Ask them if it would be faster if we cut the baby's face off of the penis and moved it to the bunny... That's a WEIRD sentence.

Ross: While we're waiting, why don't you guys record your message to Emma? Chandler: Hi Emma. It's the year 2020. Are you still enjoying your nap?

Chandler: Hey, Joey. Playboy published my joke. Ross: No, it's MY joke. Chandler: No, it's mine. Ross: No, it was MY joke. Joey: Hey, hey, hey. You guys. You know they put pictures of naked chicks in there, right?

(Looking through the ads in a newspaper) Monica: There are no jobs for me. Joey: Wait, here's one. Um, would you be willing to cook naked? Monica: There's an ad for a naked chef? Joey: No. But if you'd be willing to COOK naked, you might be willing to DANCE naked.

Ross: Hey, remember when I had a monkey? Yeah, what was I thinking?

(Aniston, Jennifer@Rachel : upset) All right, well, if you must know... I had a traumatic... swing incident... when I was little. Ross: Seriously? Rachel: Yes, I was 4 years-old and I was on the swing and then all of a sudden my hair got tangled in the chain. And to get me out my mom had to - had to cut a big chunk of my hair. (she starts crying) And it was uneven for weeks. Ross: (sarcastically) And you made it through that? I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie. Rachel: Ok, fine. You can make fun of me. I do not want Emma going there. (pause) And I was thinking Claire Danes.

Phoebe: A person's wedding is important. And especially to me. OK? I didn't have a graduation party. And I didn't go to Prom. And I spent my sweet sixteen being chased round a tyre yard by an escaped mental patient who in his own words wanted to "kill me, or whatever." So I deserve a real celebration and I am not gonna let some sweaty little man make me feel badly about it.

(Ross looking at Monica's legs) Ross: Wow. Chandler: Hey stop staring at my wife's legs. No, no, stop staring at your sister's legs

Monica: (to Rachel, at the end of the pilot) Welcome to the real world. It sucks. You're gonna love it.

(for the upcoming wedding, Ross and Chandler have gotten suits formerly worn by movie stars) Ross: Hey, hey... why don't we put them on? You know, get a picture of Batman and James Bond, together. Chandler: I would, but mine doesn't fit. The pants are a little tight. Monica: Too tight? I can see double-O *and* seven in those things.

(Telling Rachel how to be sexy) Joey: There was this movie, "Footloose". Chandler: "Flashdance". Joey: Where this plumber chick... Chandler: She was a welder Joey: What, were you like *in* the movie?

Ross: I made Marcel's favorite: Banana cake... Joey: Mmm. Ross: ... with mealworm. Joey: Ugh.

Phoebe: They're coming. Run! Joey: Where? Phoebe: Mexico!

Rachel: I've never been to an analyst! Phoebe: And it shows.

(to the woman whose baby Chandler and Monica want to adopt) Chandler: My wife's an incredible woman. She's loving and devoted and caring. And don't tell her I said this, but the woman's always right... I love my wife more than anything in this world. And I... it kills me that I can't give her a baby... I really want a kid. And when that day finally comes, I'll learn how to be a good dad. But my wife... she's already there. She's a mother... without a baby... Please?

Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get you? Chandler: It's an electric drill! You get me, you kill me!

Chandler: What? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women? Ross: A little louder, okay? I think there's a man on the twelfth floor - in a COMA - who didn't hear you.

Joey: Of course it was a line! Monica: Why? Why? Why would anyone do something like that? Ross: I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than, "to get you into bed."

Ross: You-you-you-you (trying to remain in control) threw my sandwich away MY SANDWICH? MY SANDWICH!

Chandler: Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy. Joey: I will not take this abuse. (Walks to the door and opens it to leave) Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry. (Burst into song and dances out of the door) Chandler: 'Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy... '

Phoebe: I'm in Vice. Yeah, in fact, I'm undercover right now. I'm a whore. Cop: Who... who else is in vice up there? Phoebe: Um, do you know, um Sipowicz? Cop: Sipowicz? No, I don't think so. Phoebe: Yeah, Sipowicz. Yeah, um, big guy, kind of bald. Cop: No, I don't know him. Phoebe: Don't try to call him or anything, 'cause he's not there. He's out. His, um... his partner just died. Cop: Wow. Well, tell Sipowicz I'm real sorry for his loss. Phoebe: I sure will. Take care. Cop: Hey! By the way, I'm sure Sipowicz is gonna be all right. I heard that kid from Silver Spoons is really good.

Rachel: You gotta come with me! Phoebe: Come where? Rachel: Wherever I go! Come on! You and me. We'll... we'll start a new group! We're the best ones! Phoebe: Okay, but try and get Joey, too.

Joey: It's all London, baby! Here we go. Chandler: You got your passport? Joey: Yeah, in my third drawer in my dresser. You don't want to lose that.

Phoebe: You guys, you really should get rid of those animals. They shouldn't be living in an apartment. Rachel: Yeah, especially not with all of these knives and cookbooks around.

Ross: So, uh, how long are you going to punish him? Joey: Five years. Ross: You've sentenced him? Joey: Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

Monica: (sneeze) Oh, gosh, Phoebe, I think I caught your cold! Phoebe: You mean you stole it! Monica: (sneeze) Phoebe: Don't cover your mouth when you do that!

Ross: So why don't you quit? Chandler: You don't think I've tried? You think I like have 50 dollars taken out of my bank account every month? No, they make you go all the way down there! Then they use all these phrases and peppiness to try to confuse you. And then they bring out Maria. Ross: Who is Maria? Chandler: Ah, Maria. You can't say no to her. She's like this lycra/spandex covered gym... treat.

Rachel: Thank you for my beautiful earrings, they're perfect. I love you. Ross: Oh, now you can exchange them if you want, okay? Rachel: Now I love you even more.

Joey: Ross, have you ever been beaten up before? Ross: Yeah, sure. Joey: By someone besides Monica?

Chandler: And this from the cry-for-help department: Are you wearing makeup? Joey: Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model. Chandler: That's funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman.

Chandler: Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone. Monica: He's in the bathroom... I don't think you wanna go in there! Chandler: C'mon, we're roommates... Aaaaaaaagh! My eyes! My eyes!

(Dismissed from her gig at Central Perk, Phoebe is singing out in the street) Phoebe: (singing angrily) When I play, I play for me / I don't need your charity. (a passerby throws money on Phoebe's guitar case) Phoebe: (cheerfully) Oh, thank you!

Phoebe: You guys, this may sound weird, but I think this cat is my mom. Ross: Uh... why do you think that? Phoebe: Well, okay... the first thing she was drawn to was the orange felt lining of my guitar case. Ross: So? Phoebe: So... my mom's favorite fish was orange ruffee. (Everyone stares...) Phoebe: Cats love fish!

Will: Look at her holding those yams. Those are our two worst enemies, Ross - Rachel Green and complex carbohydrates.

Joey: You can't have Thanksgiving without turkey. That's like Fourth of July without apple pie, or Friday with no two pizzas.

(Phoebe has a taste of "Mockolate") Phoebe: Eww! Eww! That must be what evil tastes like!

Joey: I think we've all learned a lesson about who's disgusting around here. Now, anybody want some fried chicken? I'm only eating the skins, so the chicken's up for grabs.

Chandler: Do you know what's weird? Donald Duck never wear pants, but he's always in a towel when he gets out of the shower. Why?

Ross: Did you see the kid on that nose?

Ross: You uh, you don't believe in gravity? Phoebe: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just... I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed. (Knock at door) Chandler: Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed.

(Joey is making marinara sauce and filling every container possible with it. Chandler enters) Chandler: Whoa, whoa, so I'm guessing you didn't get the part... or Italy called and said it was hungry.

Phoebe: Sting's pen... (as she puts it in her purse) ... that he gave to Phoebe.

(Ross is having problems naming all 50 states) Ross: I hate America! When I finish this game, I swear I am moving.

Chandler: We're getting a house. Monica: We're getting a baby. Chandler: We're growing up. Monica: We sure are. Chandler: So who's going to tell them? Monica: Not it. Chandler: Not it. Damn it!

(to Joey) Phoebe: Friendship means never having to give a reason.

Chandler: What are you guys like a gang or something? (Joey whispers to Rachel) Joey: Yeah, we are. (Rachel whispers to Joey) Rachel: We're the Cobras.

Erica: (playing a joke on Chandler) It'd really mean a lot to me, if the baby was a boy, if you'd name him after my father - JimminyBillyBob.

(Elizabeth is packing for spring break) Ross: I'm just here to be supportive, to make sure you're... (holding a tiny swimsuit from Elizabeth's suitcase) Ross: What is this? Elizabeth Stevens: A swimsuit. Ross: To wear in front of people? Elizabeth Stevens: Is that supportive? Ross: (holding up swimsuit) Is *this*?

Chandler: (talking to Monica about the new house) When did you start crapping money?

Rachel: Ok, Joey, we'll do it one more time. Don't forget the rules -heads I win, tails you lose. Joey: Just flip the coin!

Joey: (about Estelle) I'm going to call her and hire her again. Phoebe: No, don't call her! Wait for her to call you. Joey: Why? Phoebe: Because... Patience is the road to understanding, which is the key to a happy heart. Joey: You blow me away.

Joey: Maybe we can lure them out somehow. Do you know any bird calls? Chandler: Oh, tons. I'm quite the woodsman.

Steve: Tartlets?... Tartlets?... Tartlets?... the word has lost all meaning.

(last lines of the series) Rachel: Do you guys have to go to the new house right away or do you have some time? Monica: We've got some time. Rachel: Ok, should we get some coffee? Chandler: Sure. Where?

Phoebe: (singing) The cow in the meadow goes moo / The cow in the meadow goes moo / Then the farmer hits her on the head and grinds her / And that's where hamburger comes from.

Ross: (frantically presses buttons on answering machine) Oh my God! Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane? Rachel: (from behind) I got off the plane.

Joey: There will come a time in each of your careers when you'll have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor. I had such an opportunity in the recent, present. And I'm ashamed to say that I took it, I advised a fellow actor to play a role, homosexually. Yeah, we both auditioned for the part, and uh, as it turned out, they... liked the stupid gay thing and cast him! And now, he's got a two year contract opposite Susan Lucci, the First Lady of daytime television, and me, me I'm stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV!

Ross: Hi... Joey: Pfft... This guy says, "Hello, " I wanna kill myself.

Ross: Grab a spoon... Do you know how long it's been since I grabbed a spoon? Do the words "Billy don't be a hero" mean anything to you? Joey: Great story! But I gotta go... I date with Angela... Andrea... Oh man! Chandler: Andrea's the screamer, Angela has cats. Joey: Right thanks... it's Julie... I'm outta here!

Rachel: Guess what? Ross: You got a job? Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed at 12 interviews today Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat! Rachel: Well you would be too if you got new boots 50% off Chandler: Oh how well you know me

Ross: Oh, I gotta go, kids... I got Lamaze class. Chandler: Oh! And I got Earth Science but I'll catch you in gym?

Ross: So I don't know if he's testing me or just acting out but my monkey is OUT OF CONTROL!... He keeps erasing the messages on my machine! Rachel: Oh yeah... I've done that Ross: And a few days ago he got to the newspaper before I did and peed all over the crossword! Rachel: I've never done that Ross: And last night I don't know what he did but there were capers EVERYWHERE!

Chandler: I know they call this a love seat but I'm not feeling anything special towards you... Ross: (takes newspaper... folds it up... faces Chandler... and hits him...)

Ross: I want someone who gets my heart pounding (sees Rachel) ... Someone who... Chandler: Little play things with yarn? Ross: What? Chandler: Could you want her more? Ross: Who? Chandler: Dee the sarcastic sister from "What's Happening".

Rachel: Ok, well, I'm turnin' in. Chandler: Rach, we gotta settle. Rachel: Settle what? Chandler: The Jamestown Settlement of Virginia!

Rachel: You learned some new moves. Ross: A friend at work gave me Sex for Dummies as a joke. Who's laughing now?

Rachel: You didn't finish reading it? Ross: It was 5: 30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for eighteen pages - front and back!

Rachel: Didn't the chick and the duck di... Phoebe: -ve, dive. Yeah, they dove. Head first into fun on the farm.

Rachel: So basically you guys get your ya-ya's by taking money from all of your friends. Chandler: Yeah, and I get my ya-ya's from Ikea. You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less.

Rachel: God, could you beleive what a jerk Ross was being? Monica: Don't pay any attention to him, he's always like that Phoebe: (laughs) Monica: What? Phoebe: Hello kettle? This is Monica you're black!

Joey: Hey, you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it expensive? Chandler: Only if you order stuff... Joey: I'm takin Ursula there, it's her birthday. Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What about Phoebe's birthday? Joey: When's that? Ross: Tonight! Joey: Oh, man... what are the odds of that happening? Ross: You take your time.

Chandler: "Garge"? Ross: Nautical term Chandler: Cheating man!

Ross: Uh, Pheebs I don't think "scrunchie" is a word... Phoebe: Why not? If "crunchie" is a word why isn't "scrunchie"? Chandler: All right well I'm usin that same argument for "fligament"

Ross: (runs into hospital holding Marcel) You've got to help me my monkey swallowed a "K"! Nurse: Get that animal outta here! Ross: No the animal hospital is on the other side of the city he's choking! Nurse: Excuse me? This hospital is for people! Ross: Lady he IS people! He has a name! OK? He watches Jepordy! He... he... touches himself when no one's watching!

Ross: Hey who is this Casey? Why's he calling Rachel? Chandler: Well I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance... You know make a little love... Well pretty much get down tonight... Ross: (puts message in cupboard)

Phoebe: (Pulls out Monica's old bathing suit) Hey Monica what's this? Monica: Oh, that's my old bathing suit from high school... I was bigger then... Chandler: Really... I thought that's what they used to cover Connecticutt when it rained...

Phoebe: Oh! What is that shiny thing? Ross: (Quickly picks up Chandlers braclet from the floor) Chandler: It's a... (goes to take it away from Ross but Ross pushes his hand away) ... Yeah it's a little flashy... Ross: No no... no no... this isn't flashy enough for a good fella...

Phoebe: I just realized something. Joker is poker with a j... coincidence? Chandler: Hey, that's "joincidence"... with a c.

Chandler: And by the way, Count Rushmore doesn't exist. Joey: Oh yeah? Then who's the guy who painted all the faces on the mountain?

Monica: What about friends of your grandmother's? Wouldn't they have the recipe? Phoebe: Well, you know I may have relatives in France who would know. My grandmother said she got the recipe from her grandmother, (trying to pronounce her name in French) Nestlé Toulouse. Monica: What was her name? Phoebe: (again trying to pronounce it in French) Nestlé Toulehouse. Monica: Nestle Toll House? Phoebe: Oh, you Americans always butcher the French language.

(Chandler is afraid he's becoming like Mr Heckles) Chandler: We were both on the same track. Sure, my train is thirty years behind, but the stops are all the same - Bittertown, Aloneville, Hermit Junction.

Benjamin Hobart: If you say yes, I'm serious, if you say no, I'm joking.

Ross: You're crazy! Benjamin Hobart: Crazy? Or... Romantic? Ross: Crazy! Benjamin Hobart: Ooor . . . Ross: Get out!

Dr Leonard Green: So what's new with you? Rachel: (hesitating) Uhh, well, I got TiVo... ! Dr Leonard Green: (confused) What's TiVo? Phoebe: It's slang for pregnant!

Rachel: (Referring to Ross's new girlfriend) Ooh look, she's touching his leg. Phoebe: Oh you see, that's probably nothing she's very sexually aggressive.

Rachel: It's sick! Monica: Why is it sick? Rachel: Because it's Richard's son. It's like inviting a Greek tragedy over for dinner.

Rachel: (looking sad after finding out Joey's girlfriend, Kristin was just a loner, not looking for a serious relationship, when Rachel and Phoebe wanted their realtionship to work) Well, I guess it wasn't Cupid that brought her here after all. Phoebe: No, just another regular flying dwarf.

Joey: Do you practice losing at the Grammys too? Rachel: No, at the Grammys, I always win.

Phoebe: You think he is emotionally unavailable? Ross: I think he can be. Phoebe: Well, he wouldn't be if she hadn't brought her office home every night. Ross: Well, excuse her for knowing what she wants to do with her life! Phoebe: Well, she certainly knew what she was doing New Years Eve, 1997. Ross: I knew you were going to throw that at my face! She apologized and apologized. What more do you want? Phoebe: We want the last six years back! Ross: So do we! So do we! Coffee people: (looking at Ross) Ross: I'm sorry you had to see that.

Phoebe: So, How are things going with Crazy? Has she cooked your rabbit yet? Ross: You are hearing one side of the story. And FYI, she must have shown him over 30 paint samples and his response to each one was "I don't give a tiny rat's ass!" Phoebe: Well, She should have spent less time decorating and more time in the bedroom.

Janice: It's a small world after all. Chandler: Yeah. And I still don't get bumped into Beyonce!

(Ross is about to tell Rachel that he loves her before she leaves for Paris, but Gunther walks up to her first) Gunther: I... I know you're leaving tonight, but I just have to tell you. I love you. I... I don't know if that changes your plans at all, but I thought you should know. Rachel: Gunther... Oh... I love you too. Probably not in the same way, but I do. And, and when I'm in a café, having coffee, or I see a man with hair brighter than the sun, I'll think of you. Aw. (kisses him on the cheek)

(Erica has just given birth to the two babies that Monica and Chandler are going to adopt) Monica: There's something that we wanna tell you. We decided to name the girl-baby Erica. Erica: Oh my God, that's just like my name! Monica: (pause) Son of a gun, it is!

(Ross is trying to talk Rachel's boss into giving her her job back so she won't go to Paris; Mr Zelner has a son who is also named Ross) Ross: Does little Ross like dinosaurs by any chance? Mr Zelner: Yeah, they're all he talks about, why? Ross: How would he like to come with me to the Museum of Natural History after everyone else has left, just the two of us, and he can touch anything he wants. (Mr Zelner looks shocked) I just heard it as you must have heard it and that's not good. Let me start again. I'm a paleontologist, you'll be there with us and the touching refers only to bones - fossils!

Joey: (Joey is talking on the phone to the mom of a girl he met in the hospital who is in labour) Joey Tribianni (pause) 25 (pause) Yeah I'm single (pause) Actor... hello?

Amy: (referring to their other sister Jill) Who's gotten really fat by the way. Rachel: Really? Amy: Mom says she's gained like 15 pounds. Rachel: Hips and thighs? Amy: Ass and face. Rachel: Ohh. I thought she was on Atkins. Amy: She was. Carbs found her.

(Joey is on Pyramid, the category is "Things you'd find in a fridge") Pyramid Partner: It's white. Joey: Paper... snow... A GHOST?

Rachel: I know that you and I kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding... ? Rachel: Oh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue.

Phoebe: Will, just take off your shirt and tell us.

Ross: (after trying to kiss his cousin) (thinking) Say something. Say anything. Nothing you say could make this situation worse. Oh my God, this is the longest that anyone has not spoken EVER. (actually speaking to his cousin) I haven't had sex in a very long time. (thinking again) Yeah you really shouldn't have said anything.

Ross: (talking to Rachel's old boss) If you rehire Rachel, I will give your son this genuine pterodactyl egg, replica.

Chandler: I can't say hump or screw in front of the b-a-b-y... I just spelled the wrong words didn't I?

Ross: (waiting for Rachel and Monica to come out of the bathroom) Good, good, good. So, is uh, was your moustache, did, used to be different? Richard: No. Ross: Oh. How do you uh, ya know, keep it so neat? Richard: I have a little comb. Ross: Oh. And what do you call that? Richard: A moustache comb.

Joey: Remember when your mom used to drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a spoon? Rachel: (pause) You're so pretty.

(Monica tells the others that she and Chandler won't have any more sex before the wedding) Ross: A no sex pact! I have one of those with every woman in America!

Monica: I'll never have a first kiss again. Phoebe: You'll have a last kiss.

Joey: (shouts) Joey doesn't share food!

Joey: How come we don't have jam at our place? Chandler: Because the kids need shoes.

Monica: (looking at the Playmate of the Month) Listen, these are her favorite things - chocolate, back rubs, walks on the beach at night. Rachel: You know she is attractive, I would date her. You know, if I was "you know", I would date her. Monica: Rach, if you were, "you know", which one of us would you date? Rachel: (looking at Monica and Phoebe) Well, I don't know. I can't decide. Monica: (looking at Rachel and Phoebe) I can't decide either. Phoebe: (looking at Rachel and Monica) Rachel. Rachel: (very offended) Rachel? Why Rachel? Phoebe: (picking up her coat) Uh, listen, weren't we going to lunch?

Phoebe: ... And I found 500 extra bucks in my account. Chandler: Ohhh, Satan's minions at work again!

Phoebe: (sings) Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? / Smelly cat, smelly cat, it's not your fault!

Chandler: ... And I'm not sure about this actor guy, because when he left a message and he heard my name "Chandler Bing", he said "Woah! Short message!"

Ross: Because women never like Joey. You know, I hear he's a virgin?

Phoebe: It's raining. I don't like to fly in the rain. Joey: Oh, I'm going to go for a walk in the rain. Rachel: Oh... me too! Phoebe: Huh! I bet they're doing it!

(a beautiful women is checking out Chandler) Phoebe: (stands up) Ok, I need to get this right so give me a sec... (clears throat and talks in a deep voice) Yo, dude. Eleven o'clock, totally hot babe checkin' you out.

Ross: (after seeing Joey looking over the wall into another bathroom stall) Uh, Joey, some people don't like that.

Joey: (after talking about Chandler being picky with girls) Chandler, I understand you. I mean, this one time, I went out with this girl, she had the biggest Adam's apple!

Joey: Heh. Let me get this straight. He got you to *beg* to sleep with him. He got you to say he *never* has to call you again. And he got you thinking this is a *great* idea? Phoebe: (weakly) Uh-huh. Joey: This man is my God!

Phoebe: Bye, Chandler, I miss you already! Chandler: (shocked after feeling Phoebe pinch his butt) OK, did you see that with the inappropriate and the pinching? Monica: Actually, I did. Chandler: OK, now do believe that she's attracted to me? Monica: Huh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, she knows about us!

Phoebe: (Rachel's hormones are raging) She's going through her fourth month of pregnancy. Remember when I was in my fourth month? Monica: Yes, that was the Evander Holyfield period. You know, you were so hard up, you even came on to me. Phoebe: Did not! Monica: Yes, you did. (puts on a seductive look) Listen, Phoebe, I could have had you if I had wanted you. Phoebe: Oh, yeah? Well, bring it on. (blows Monica a kiss) Rachel: Guys! Stop it! This is even turning me on!

Phoebe: (Rachel has lied to her father about her upcoming marriage to Ross) I'd like to attend your imaginary wedding; but I'm really busy that day. I have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun Bar Mitzvah.

Monica: Come on, I see you looking at other women's breasts all the time! Chandler: You see that? Monica: Do you see this? (opens her mouth and stares) Duhhhhhh?

Rachel: (Rachel and Ross are having a fight) And for your information, it doesn't happen to all men! It's not OK! And it is a big deal! Chandler: (to Joey) I knew it!

Monica: (Monica has refused to go out with Chandler) Darn it! There's no more soda. Chandler: I'll go get some. Monica: Really? Chandler: Well, I would, (shouts) but I'm not your boyfriend!

Monica: (the Friends are at the beach) Okay, just don't go swimming right after you eat. Chandler: (to Joey) You know that's not really true. Joey: Try telling that to my Uncle Vinnie. Chandler: Why? What happened to him? Joey: Nothing; he just really believes that.

Ross: (Ross and Mona's intimate moment is interrupted by Rachel's father) Dr Green? Dr Leonard Green: All right, Geller; what do you mean getting my Rachel pregnant and then refusing to marry her? Ross: (looks at Mona and then back at Dr Green) You know, this really isn't a good time.

Dr Leonard Green: So, Geller, is this what you dumped my Rachel for, (points at Mona) so you could hang around with this tramp! Mona: *Tramp*? Ross: Oh, uh; Dr Green, Mona; Mona, Dr Green.

Dr Leonard Green: (Rachel has asked Phoebe to go to dinner to help her tell her father she is pregnant) Why don't I order everyone the Mandarin pork? Phoebe: I don't eat meat. Dr Leonard Green: This isn't meat; it's pork! Phoebe: Yeah, well, I don't eat that either. Dr Leonard Green: (shaking his head) I'll never understand you lesbians.

Chandler: (about Joey's cameo in a porn movie) What's this in my pocket? It's Joey's porn video! Rachel: C'mon guys; let's not watch it. Porn is degrading to women and degrading to females and. help me out, Monica. Monica: Are you kidding? I want to see Joey! Chandler: (the porn video takes place in an office) *That* is the damnedest typing test I have ever seen. Rachel: Wow, I hope she gets the job. Ross: I'd say he is the one getting *the job*.

Rachel: How about for a girl, Rain? Ross: Rain? "Hi, my name is Rain. I have my own kiln and my dress is made out of wheat." Phoebe: I know her!

(Phoebe changes her name after marrying Mike) Monica: Hello, Miss Buffay. Phoebe: Oh, that's not my name any more. Monica: Oh, you changed it? Congratulations, Mrs Hannigan. Phoebe: No, that's not my name either. Monica: What did you change your name to? Phoebe: Princess Consuella Bananahammock. Chandler: That's what we were gonna name the baby.

Ross: You guys won't believe what I have to do for work today! Chandler: Yes, but Ross you chose a career of talking about dinosaurs.

Monica: (reading Joey's letter from his stalker) Wait a minute; this wasn't mailed to "Days of Our Lives". It wasn't even mailed. Joey, this woman was in our building; she knows where you live. Joey: All right! I got my own stalker! Chandler: You're so lucky; I have to share my stalker with five other guys at work. Rachel: Joey, remember when we talked about good thing-bad thing? This is a baaaad thing.

Monica: Chandler, you're panicking... Chandler: Yes! Join me, won't you?