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007: Agent Under Fire

2001 (VG)

(after Carla the Jackel falls into a giant fan vent) M: 007, did you confront the Jackel? What happend? James Bond: She's fallen for me.

(Bond is cutting the chain of a female officer who's hands are bound and held up) James Bond: Under different circumstances I'd think twice.

(after Bond rolls in with a tank instead of the car R built) James Bond: Smashing Enterance wouldn't you say R? R: No I wouldn't 007.

James Bond: Safety first, lads.

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#1 Fan: A Darkomentary

2005 (V)

(from trailer) Darryl Donaldson: Come with me as we step through the portal.

(from trailer) Darryl Donaldson: (explaining why he is exactly like Donnie) We both are on medication and sometimes we don't want to take that medication.

(from trailer) Darryl Donaldson: (pretending to see Jim Cunningham's house) He's got an inflatable castle outside so he he can lure children over and...

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1 Night in China

2004 (V)

Sean Waltman: (looking a picture of Mao Tse Tung in Tiananmen Square) Hey, Chairman Mao! (pointing to his crotch) GAH-COW! (several people stop what they're doing and stare at him) We gotta go.

Sean Waltman: (high on pot and seeing Joanie naked) Ahh, yeah, oh fuck. Damn. You're sexier'n a motherfucker. Wow.

Joanie Laurer: (to Sean) Sorry baby, I'll make a better dominatrix next time.

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10,000 Black Men Named George

2002 (TV)

(last tile cards) Title Card: On August 25th, 1937 the Pullman Company signed the first ever agreement between a union of black workers and a major American corporation. It was twelve years - to the day - of the founding of the Brotherhood of Sleeping Car Porters. Title Card: For the next four decades Randolph carried forward his fight for equality. In 1963, commemorating the 100th Anniversary of the Emancipation Proclamation, Randolph initiated the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom. It was at that gathering that a young Martin Luther King, Jr delivered his "I Have a Dream" speech... and Randolph passed his torch to a new generation of leaders in the fight for Civil Rights.

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101 Dalmatians II: Patch's London Adventure

2003 (V)

Patch: Do you think I'm one of a kind... or just... one of a hundred and one?

Thunderbolt: (whispers) Lightning. (loudly) Do not mourn me when I am gone!

Lars: Oh, fickle bird of inspiration! To what far shore have you flown?

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101 Reykjavk

2000

Lola: So, what do you do? Hlynur: Nothing. Lola: What kind of nothing? Hlynur: The nothing kind of nothing.

Hlynur: (voice over) Why don't they show any porn in the morning? It's easy to get the rest up once your dicks up and about.

Hlynur: Lola will be his mum, and my mum will be his dad. And I'll be his brother, but his father too, and the son of his dad and of his grandmother and his mothers ex-lover.

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1492: Conquest of Paradise

1992

Columbus: Paradise and hell both can be earthly.

Sanchez: (Columbus stops Sanchez after he leaves an audience with the Queen. Sanchez looks at him, disgusted) You're a dreamer. Columbus: (shooting a glance out of a window) Tell me, what do you see? Sanchez: (pausing to look) I see rooftops, I see palaces, I see towers, I see spires that reach... to the sky! I see civilisation! Columbus: All of them built by people like me. (Sanchez doesn't respond - shocked) No matter how long you live, Sanchez, there is something that will never change between us. I did it. You didn't.

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1969

1988

Scott: OK, Ralph, you know, I don't have to help you, but let me tell you something. If you flunk out and die in Vietnam, that's the end of our friendship, fuck you, you know.

Scott: I've already decided if nothing happens by the time I am 20, I'm gonna cut it off. Ralph: How ya going to pee there Scott? Scott: Sittin' down.

Scott: Hop in! We're not homosexuals or anything.

Scott: We have naked people giving us free food!

Coach Heart: You boys aren't working at the pool this summer? Scott: No, we're going on the road. That's what hippies do ya' know.

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2 Little, 2 Late

1999

Darrin Darlow: Appearance, my friend, is first and foremost in this savage land that we call high school. We are graded not only on intellectual prowess, but also on our physical appearance. Mickey McGouvney: Uh... you have a mullet.

Mark Cannon: The two of you have a common interest. I happen to know that Kirby likes cars. In fact, his project this semester is a garage door opener holder, and get this... it's for his car. Do I have to spell it out for you? He likes cars; you like to race cars. Darrin Darlow: Well, that's great, Mark. That's our common ground? I race go-karts; he builds shitty little boxes to hold garage door openers. Well, guess what? He has an asshole and you are an asshole. That's your common ground. You go talk to him.

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3: The Dale Earnhardt Story

2004 (TV)

Ralph Earnhardt: The winner ain't the one with the fastest car, son. It's just the one who refuses to lose.

Dale Earnhardt: (helping Dale Jr. strap into a racecar) Wipe that look off your face, Dale. You'll wind up as ugly as me.

Neil Bonnett: You pissed off a lot of people out there today, Earnhardt. You almost ran me over a couple times. Dale Earnhardt: So I suppose you're pissed off at me, too, then? Neil Bonnett: What the hell do you care? We ain't out there to make friends.

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30 Years of Monty Python: A Revelation

1999 (TV)

(Four pepperpots have been asked what they would like to see on the BBC) First pepperpot: I'd like to see that nice Michael Palet doing one of his travel programmes. You know when he says Hello, I'm Michael Palin and they say oh hello Michael how are you. And he says oh I'm very very well thank. What a nice hat you have. Would you like to come in and he says oh good idea and on and on and on.

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40 Guns to Apache Pass

1967

Col Homer Reed: (to Capt Bruce Coburn upon his successful delivery of needed rifles) For once, I'm *glad* you disobeyed orders!

Col Homer Reed: Captain, there are two ways to get men through a door; *kick* 'em through, or you can *lead* 'em through. Capt Bruce Coburn: That's right, sir. You'll wind up in the same place *anyway*.

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420

2004

Felcher: Dude, don't call me felcher anymore.

Wes: It's like they say in Mexico- don't drink the bong water.

Cage: I don't need weed to cope. Korter: You need weed to breathe.

Wes: What kind of sick fuck would piss in someone's car, man? I got sick fuck piss all over me!

Redneck Ralph: You two are being a real pain in my pecker, you know that?

Lisa: Don't quit your day jobs. Felcher: We don't have day jobs.

Wes: Duh Duh Duh!

Korter: Yo homes, why the fuck do you got a chihuahua? I don't know any rappers that got that kind of dog. You need a dogg's dog, bro. You need a pit bull or some shit.

Felcher: Give me the keys you cocksuckin' shitsack!

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44 Minutes: The North Hollywood Shoot-Out

2003 (TV)

Henry Jones: Ramon, I want you to have this. Ramon: What is it? Henry Jones: It's a bible, Ramon Ramon: What do you want me to do with a bible? Henry Jones: I want you to read it, Ramon Ramon: Which part? Henry Jones: Whatever part speaks to you.

Henry Jones: Luck is preparation meets opportunity.

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5 Card Stud

1968

(explaining why a murdered black man should be allowed to be buried in the graveyard with deceased whites) The Rev. Jonathan Rudd: Well, they all look alike to the worms.

Van Morgan: I didn't hear you say amen. Little George: I don't believe in it.

Van Morgan: You mean you came over 100 miles just to tell me that? Little George: I'd have come farther.

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8 Ball Bunny

1950

Bugs Bunny: (singing while playing guitar) Bugs Bunny came to Martinique / When he arrived he was pretty weak / His knees look like they would buckle in / His tribulations caused by a penguin / Now he's built a boat on which they both could leave / He hoped that fickle fate have nothing up her sleeve. American Bum: Say, pardon me but, could you help out a fellow American who's down on his luck? Bugs Bunny: (tossing him a coin) Hit da road! (singing) Bugs Bunny: If he should accomplish this daring thing / A miracle to Martinique Bugs did bring.

Bugs Bunny: Hoboken! Oooooh I'm dying again!

Hobo: Penguins is practically chickens.

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84 Charing Cross Road

1987

(first lines) Businessman on plane: Your first trip to London? Helene Hanff: Yes. Businessman on plane: You want a word of advice? Don't trust the cab drivers; they'll take you five miles to go three blocks... and, uh, don't waste your time looking at a street map. Nobody can find their way around London - not even Londoners. Helene Hanff: Maybe I should go to Baltimore instead. Businessman on plane: No; you'll enjoy it. London's a great place. What kind of trip is it - business or pleasure? Helene Hanff: Unfinished business.

(last lines) Helene Hanff: Here I am, Frankie; I finally made it.

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92 in the Shade

1975

Jeannie: You just storm back in there and get my tutu.

Nichol Dance: If turkey was going for ten cents a pound, I couldn't buy a raffle ticket on a jay bird's ass.

Nichol Dance: If it cost a cent to rent a tuxedo for an elephant, I couldn't rent a t-shirt for a flea.

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A Fei jing juen

1991

Yuddy: What day's today? Su Lizhen: Sixteenth. Yuddy: Sixteenth... April the sixteenth. At one minute before 3pm on April the sixteenth, 1960, you're together with me. Because of you, I'll remember that one minute. From now on, we're friends for one minute. This is a fact, you can't deny. It's done.

Su Lizhen: I always thought one minute flies by. But sometimes it really lingers on. Once, a person pointed at his watch and said to me, that because of that minute, he'd always remember me. It was so charming listening to that. But now I look at my watch and tell myself that I have to forget this man starting this very minute.

Yuddy: I've heard that there's a kind of bird without legs that can only fly and fly, and sleep in the wind when it is tired. The bird only lands once in its life... that's when it dies.

Yuddy: I used to think there was a kind of bird that, once born, would keep flying until death. The fact is that the bird hasn't gone anywhere. It was dead from the beginning.

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A-Lad-in His Lamp

1948

Bugs Bunny: (after Mad Man Hassan points his sword to Bugs' chest) Just a minute doc, let's not start splitting hares.

Bugs Bunny: (after he falls on Mad Man Hassan) Eehhhh, what's up, beaverpuss?

Bugs Bunny: (Bugs is flying in the air thanks to the Genie) Hey look, fellas, I'm a *hareplane*!

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Abandon

2002

Mousy Julie: Should I tell you what I know? I was going to, but now maybe I've changed my mind... Katie Burke: What are you talking about? Mousy Julie: Harrison Hobart is missing... That's two, isn't it?

Samantha Harper: You're thinking about the cop, aren't you? Katie Burke: Maybe. Samantha Harper: Okay, visualize this with me. You're down in New York consulting with Lou Gerstner or the head of GE telling them how to buy South American countries but on the weekends, you fly back up here to hang out with the cop, do cop things, maybe go to cop mixers... Katie Burke: I like the cop. Samantha Harper: Yeah, um, I can see that.

Embry Larkin: You have no grace.

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ABBA in Concert

1980 (TV)

(Frida and Agnetha are en route in the car; to the driver) Frida: Is it far to go? It is? Good. (Settles down in the seat and pretends to fall asleep. Agnetha starts laughing; soon Frida is too)

(Agnetha is holding an ice cream cone and is licking it in between answering questions) Interviewer: So, how do you feel about touring? Agnetha: I like it. Especially the ice creameh timeh! (Smiles and licks ice cream)

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Abbott and Costello Meet the Killer, Boris Karloff

1949

(The Swami tries to get a hypnotized Freddie to kill himself) Swami Talpur: Perhaps you should choose the manner of your death. How would you like to die? Freddie Phillips: Old age.

Casey Edwards: Freddie, where did you that gun? Freddie Phillips: I don't know. Casey Edwards: Freddie! I am going to ask you for the last time. Where did you get that gun? Freddie Phillips: I don't know. Casey Edwards: Where did you get that gun? Freddie Phillips: Hey, that's not fair. You said "for the last time". I answered it.

Swami Talpur: (to Freddie) You're going to commit suicide if it's the last thing you do!

Freddie Phillips: It's a booby trap. Casey Edwards: For what? Freddie Phillips: For boobs.

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Abducted: A Father's Love

1996 (TV)

Seattle agent: Yeah, them guys mostly are though, men with unusually strong interests in women under the age of three!

Seattle agent: Other wise, why the hell would you be chasing him so hard for?

Seattle agent: Plates spotted!

Seattle agent: High five, he's headed south

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Abenobashi mah shtengai

2002

(Sasshi has been shot into space and is subsequently reincarnated, 2001-style) Sasshi: Wow! I just saw the beginning and the end of the universe!

(repeated line) Arumi Asahina: Being human, having your health is what's most important.

(last line of the series) Sasshi: Well, being human, having your health is what's most important.

(pressed against Mune-mune's chest) Sasshi: I don't know if I'm supposed to be happy or scared, I'm so confused!

(repeated line) Arumi Asahina, Sasshi: All things extant in this world, Gods of Earth, Gods of Heaven, let them be as they should. Thus shall it be.

Sasshi: Guess there's noting left to do but go home, eat yams and fart till I pass out.

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Absolute Beginners

1986

Colin: Aren't you a little old for her Henley? Henley of Mayfair: I'm only 37. Colin: 37? Around the waist maybe?

Colin: Sell things to people who don't need them? Vendice: Never things Colin. We don't sell things. We sell dreams.

Colin: (narration) For the first time ever, kids were teenagers. They had loot, however come by and loot's for spending. Where there's loot, trouble follows.

Colin: Money isn't everything. Suzette: I know but it'll do 'till everything comes along.

Dido Lament: (Flirting) I love anger, you know, you and I ought to argue sometime.

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AC/DC: Let There Be Rock

1980

Interviewer: Do you think there will be a Third World War? Angus Young: I'm the Third World War.

Interviewer: Bon, the other boys of the band say that you're great, but a little special... do you know what they mean by that? Bon Scott: I'm a special drunkard... I drink too much. Interviewer: What do you think they really mean? Bon Scott: I don't know, could be anything. Interviewer: Do you feel you're a star? Bon Scott: No. I see stars sometimes, though.

Bon Scott: Guys are OK... shake their hand... Women are special. You can hug 'em.

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Ace in the Hole

1951

Charles Tatum: I can handle big news and little news. And if there's no news, I'll go out and bite a dog.

Lorraine: I've met a lot of hard-boiled eggs in my time, but you--you're twenty minutes.

Lorraine: I don't pray. Kneeling bags my nylons.

Reporter: We're all in the same boat. Charles Tatum: I'm in the boat. You're in the water. Now let's see how you can swim.

Charles Tatum: Bad news sells best. Cause good news is no news.

Charles Tatum: How'd you like to make a thousand dollars a day, Mr Boot? I'm a thousand-dollar-a-day newspaperman. You can have me for nothing.

Charles Tatum: I've done a lot of lying in my time. I've lied to men who wear belts. I've lied to men who wear suspenders. But I'd never be so stupid as to lie to a man who wears both belt and suspenders.

Charles Tatum: It's a good story today. Tomorrow, they'll wrap a fish in it.

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Ace Ventura

1996 (VG)

(after being dropped into the middle of the ocean) Ace Ventura: I am NOT an amphibian! I am a human being!

(diving into the Nautilus' garbage chute) Ace Ventura: Come on, Spike! Last one in's a rotten egg. (pause) Ace Ventura: And speaking of rotten eggs... are you making whoopie? Cushion?

(after coming out of the garbage chute) Ace Ventura: Woooo! Do NOT and I mean NOT in the worst possible way GO IN THERE! NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER!

Mr Shickadance, Jaques Du Monque: Guess what day it is today, Ventura? Ace Ventura: Warthog day? Groundhog day? Mr Shickadance, Jaques Du Monque: Try rent day! (Ace slams the door in Shickadance's face)

(Ace is about to be cut up by a laser) Phatteus Lardus: So long, Mr Ventura! Rest... in PIECES! Muhahahhahahhahha!

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Advance to the Rear

1964

Martha Lou: Well aren't you something? First you break into my cabin with that disgusting display of animal lust. Then you accuse me of being a spy. And now all of a sudden, I'm the only girl in the world for you. Heath: Well that's the way it goes sometimes.

Martha Lou: All right. Let's say, just for the moment, that I am a spy. Heath: A very pretty one too. Martha Lou: That would make us enemies, Jared. Heath: Yeah, of course it would. And, we'd be starting out at a point in marriage that takes some couples, twenty or thirty years to achieve.

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Adventures of a Private Eye

1977

(Detective Judd Blake has just caught his assistant peeping at the keyhole.) Judd Blake: Amateur. Peering through keyholes is for the amateur. Bob: I wasn't, actually, Mr Blake. I just thought I'd dropped something on the floor. Judd Blake: Bugging, now that's the professional way. Bob: Bugging. Judd Blake: Yes, and like everything else, purely a matter of technique. Now you stick with me, and you'll soon learn to be a successful bugger.

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Afonya

1975

Fedul, Afonya's creditor: Afonya! Hey, friend call Afonya! (talking to Afonya's guest) Afonya's guest: He is not in. Fedul, Afonya's creditor: Where is he? Fedul's pal: He left. Fedul, Afonya's creditor: How? Afonya's guest: He left to collect potatoes. Fedul, Afonya's creditor: Oh! I don't like such people (talking to his friend) Fedul's pal: Who is this? (talking to Fedul) Fedul, Afonya's creditor: Who are you? Afonya's guest: Me? I'm a relative. Fedul, Afonya's creditor: Give me ruble relative! Afonya ownes me a rubl! Fedul's pal: Two. (talking to Fedul) Fedul, Afonya's creditor: Two! Two!

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Against All Flags

1952

Captain Moisson: I deeply regret the necessity for this flogging. Brian Hawke: Thank you, sir. I don't think the flogger needed to have carried it out with such gusto. Captain Moisson: You requested the customary lashing. Brian Hawke: I know, sir. Of course, you could have done me the favor of denying it. I swear he took a particular pleasure in having an officer under his cat. Captain Moisson: Should you fail, you'll look back on flogger Flower's lashing as a pleasant afternoon's pastime.

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Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London

2004

Derek: No wonder all the malls are empty. They got all you kids working undercover.

Emily: You know what I hate about dentists? They always say something's not gonna hurt and it does. Me, I'm honest. Now this is gonna hurt.

Helicopter Pilot: I just love the smell of summer camp in the evening.

Cody Banks: (talking about entrance to CIA storage facility underneath summer camp) What? That's impossible! Kids have been snooping around this place for years! Someone would've found the entrance by now! C.I.A. Director: That's why we put it... where no-one wants to spend too much time. (goes into bathroom, which at summer camps, usually are of low-quality and smell like something died in there)

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Agent Cody Banks

2003

Cody Banks: All her classes, isn't that kind of creepy? CIA Director: Creepy? We're the CIA, creepy is what we do.

Natalie Connors: You know your first impression sucked and your second was terrible, but your third was kinda good. Cody Banks: Wait till you see my fourth.

Cody Banks: What was my mission again? Natalie Connors: I think you were going to kiss me.

Ronica Miles: Let's get one thing straight, I am not your partner. I'm your handler. Like in the zoo.

Brinkman: (eyeing Ronica's skin-tight outfit) *Love* that suit. No place for a gun in there, eh?

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Agent Red

2000

Linda Christian: What are you going to do? Matt Hendricks: Make a little noise. Do a little damage. Linda Christian: ... Get down tonight.

Kretz: Attention all personnel. We are ready to load the virus. Matt Hendricks: You're gonna have a hell of a problem. All your friends are on permanent sick leave. Kretz: Sergei, Grotz, Yemen? Report. Matt Hendricks: Right names, wrong plane of existence pal.

Kretz: You know there is an old saying in Russia. It is better to catch bees with honey than it is with shit.

General Stillwell: Never heard of the Agent Red? Matt Hendricks: It sounds like a bad action movie.

Nadia: You lied to get me into bed. General Minowski: A man's obligation to his erection.

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Agneepath

1990

(Lying down on the bed at the hospital) Vijay Dinanath Chavan: What's your name? Mary Matthew: Why? Vijay Dinanath Chavan: Because in this world, only two women have seen me naked - and you are one of them.

Vijay Dinanath Chavan: Name, Vijay Dinanath Chavan - full name. Father's name, Master Dinanath Chavan. Mom's name, Sawashni Chavan. Village, Mandva. Age, 36 years, 9 months, 8 days. We are in the 16'th hour.

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Airbag

1997

Don Serafn: That's my son. Or not... or yes, or what do I know.

Don Serafn: In the name of the Father, the Bun, and the Holy Toast. Right, I'm off.

(After witnessing Juantxo accidentally shoot the nipples clean out of a girly poster) Pazos: Professional. Very professional.

(After accidentally snorting cocaine while conducting a wedding) Cura alternativo: Jesus H. Fucking Christ. Here's your sin of a wedding present. (He hits Juantxo squarely in the face)

(why Pako is in shock and his nose is bleeding) Konradn: It's probably the excess of cocaine, or the lack of sleep. The human body is a mystery!

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Airwolf

1984 (TV)

Archangel: That was the police. They just confirmed Minh's death. I'm sorry Hawke. Stringfellow Hawke: Well, it'd be a lot harder not knowing. Dominic Santini: Let her go kid, she's gone. Stringfellow Hawke: I wasn't thinking of me. Dominic Santini: Yah, but Half Pint's a tough little guy. He'll be ok. Archangel: You know Hawke, in spite of everything, there's no real proof that he's St. John's son. That damn war; never knew who the enemy was, who your friends were, and now who are children are!

Archangel: Come on, Marlene, there must be something going on out here that desperately needs our attention!

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Akarui mirai

2003

Yji Nimura: I've always had lots of dreams when I sleep. The dreams have always been about the future. The future in my dreams was always bright. A future brimming with hope and peace. So I've always loved to sleep. That is, until just recently...

Mamoru Arita: Nimura, here's the plan. (thumb toward the breast piece) When I do this, it means "Wait". (thumb and the index finger toward the outside piece) And this means "Go ahead".

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Akumaj Dracula X: Gekka no yasukyoku

1997 (VG)

Dracula: It was not by my hand that I am once again given flesh. I was brought here by humans who wished to pay me tribute. Richter Belmont: Tribute? You steal men's souls and make them your slaves! Dracula: Perhaps the same could be said of all religions.

Dracula: What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets!

Death: Ah, Alucard... what is your business here? Alucard: I've come to put an end to this. Death: Still befriending mortals. I'll not ask you to return to our side, but I demand you cease your attack! Alucard: I will not! Death: You shall regret those words. We'll meet again!

Alucard: 'Twould be best if I were to disappear forever.

Alucard: It's over, Belmont.

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Aladdin and His Wonderful Lamp

1939

Popeye/Aladdin: I never made love in Technicolor before.

Slave: Salame, salame, baloney.

Popeye/Aladdin: A wish? (Under his breath) Wish, wish, I can have a wish huh? (Normal) Well I wish I was out of here. Can you shows me the entrance to the exit? Genie: You bet. (Makes a giant hole in the wall of the cave that has an escalator leading out) Popeye/Aladdin: Wow, an escalavator.

Genie: I am the flame of the lamp. I come from the nowhere, I go to the noplace, und here I am.

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Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn, An

1997

Alan Smithee: It's worse than "Showgirls"!

Sylvester Stallone: Don't fuck with me! Jackie Chan: Don't fuck with me! Whoopi Goldberg: Don't fuck with me! Sylvester Stallone, Jackie Chan, Whoopi Goldberg: Don't fuck with us!

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Alan Smithee Presents 'The Andy Griffith Show'

2004 (V)

Alan: There goes the casting buzzer again.

Johnny: That bear was an alcoholic!

Ryckman: Do you eat it, or do you look at it?

Bo: I'm a man that appreciates beauty in all forms, but specifically in smoked meats.

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Alanis Morissette: Feast On Scraps

2002 (V)

Off voice: Relaxation is an art, that has been made very difficult to practice by the conditions of modern civilization. The ability to relax is, in it self, not just a by-product of you listening to this recording while you continue to work and worry. I f you have lost then knack for relaxing yourself whenever you desire, it will require a concentrated effort on your part to regain it. As you wish to get the full benefit from the next few minutes of relaxing yourself, you must stop whatever you are doing.

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Albino Alligator

1996

(In a TV interview) Jenny Ferguson: Agent Browning, can you shed some light on what's been happening here? Agent Browning: Well, it looks like some goddamn stupid motherfucker has decided to take some poor innocent fucks hostage. Now we've been out here all fucking night trying to deal with this goddamn situation, but there hasn't been a fucking break yet. But we're sure as shit hopeful that everyone will be safe, and that we bring this motherfucker, or motherfuckers, as the case may be, to fucking justice. How's that?

Dova: Hey, you want to make us some coffee? Law: Do I look like your bitch?

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Alfred Hitchcock Presents

1955

(Hitchcock arrives for his introduction dressed in a safari outfit and pith helmet) Himself - Host: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to darkest Hollywood. Night brings a stillness to the jungle. It is so quiet, you can hear a name drop. The savage beasts have already begun gathering at the water holes to quench their thirst. Now one should be especially alert. The vicious table-hopper is on the prowl, and the spotted back-biter may lurk behind a potted palm. To take me through this most savage of lands, I have hired a native guide. (He snaps his fingers. An old man joins him, wearing a billboard sign that reads, "Maps of the Movie Stars' Homes - For Sale") Himself - Host: He claims to know where I can find the big ones.

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AlfTales

1988

Mayo Lodge Members: Mayonnaise is more than sandwich spread. It's in our hearts and in our heads.

Miller's Daughter: There, I was visited by a bizarre, strange imp of a man. Sam Shovel: Pee Wee Herman? Miller's Daughter: Not *that* strange.

Cinderella's Stepmother: While we're gone, I want you to sweep the chimney! Stepsister Janet: And chop the firewood! Stepsister Latoya: And finish up that radiation research in the basement!

Game Show Announcer: It's a washer! It's a dryer! It's a reason for living!

Sthick: There's a comedy club in town. Prince Gordo: Yeah, I know. Catch a Rising Jester. Sthick: Tonight's open-mike night. Prince Gordo: Poor Mike!

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Ali Baba Bunny

1957

(wielding a huge scimitar) Hassan: HASSAN CHOP!

Bugs Bunny: What's with you, anyway? Daffy Duck: I can't help it. I'm a greedy slob. It's my hobby. Save me.

Genie: Dog! You have desecrated the spirit of the lamp! Prepare to face the consequences! Daffy Duck: Consequences, shmonsequences, as long as I'm rich.

Daffy Duck: I'm rich. I'm wealthy. Yahoo. I'm comfortably well off.

Bugs Bunny: Eh, what's up, Duck?

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Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore

1974

Tommy: Put in another quarter and try again...

Audrey: Tucson's the weird capital of the world... WEIRD.

Alice: I AM a singer.

David: So who's stoppin' ya?... Pack yer bags; I'll take you to Monterey... I don't give a damn about that ranch.

Tommy Hyatt: Shoot the dog. Shoot the dog. Shoot the dog.

Alice: I don't sing with my ass!

Tommy: Mom, are we in Arizona yet? Alice: If you ask me that one more time, I'm gonna beat you to death. Just sit back there and relax and enjoy life, huh? Tommy: Life is short. Alice: So are you.

Tommy: Life is short. Alice: Yeah, well, so are you.

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Alice et Martin

1998

Alice: We have to find the courage to be happy.

Alice: I love you despite what you did. All I want is to be with you.

Alice: He's like an extra terrestrial hobo!

Alice: Absence is the best way to distinguish real love from a flash in a pan. Martin Sauvagnac: But I still prefer presence.

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Alice

1990

(Alice tells off her unfaithful husband, Doug) Alice: I've done things I didn't know I had in me.

(explaining what the Professor means when he tells Alice she's 'deep') Muse: Very deep is exactly where he wants to put it.

Alice's Mother: When it came to me and your dad, you had stars in your eyes.

Dr Yang: Love is a very complex emotion. No rational thought... much romance, but much suffering.

(trying to tell Alice what he likes about her) Doug: You have a nice personality and you know sweaters.

(explaining to Alice why he wants to have an affair with her) Joe: There's nothing sexier than a lapsed Catholic.

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Alien Apocalypse

2005 (TV)

Dr Ivan Hood: Hey, scumbag! You forgot something. Bounty Hunter #3: What? (he is shot by a crossbow and drops down to his knees) Bounty Hunter #3: Ungh... you said you're a doctor. You're supposed to heal people. Dr Ivan Hood: I am. Your stupidity is terminal. And now you're cured.

Dr Ivan Hood: Those bounty hunters are all fags. I can handle 'em.

Alex: What's television? Dr Ivan Hood: None of your damn business!

Dr Ivan Hood: Just call me a... great healer.

Alex: (after Dr Hood has stabbed and killed one of the aliens) They die? Dr Ivan Hood: Everything dies.

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Alien Escape

1997

Cindy: Shauna, we gotta stay together. We stay together, we stay safe. Shauna: Yeah, that's what they said in Jonestown.

Shauna: Did you find anything? Cindy: Janet Jell-o.

Shauna: You can't just go in there. You don't even know what it is. Cindy: What's the worst it could be? Shauna: I don't know. It could, like, be the Gates to Hell or something. Becky: The Gates to Hell? Shauna: Yeah, like a hole in the ground that leads right to Satan. Cindy: You're thinking about a singles bar.

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All I Want for Christmas

1991

Ethan: Look, you can ask for toys, parakeets, hair care products, I don't care. But you may not ask for anything that has to do with interpersonal relationships!

Kid: You're an elf, right? Ethan: No... no I'm not, no... sorry. Kid: Yes you are. Santa's elves always pretend they're not. It's their law. Ethan: Look... kid... I'm a person... not an elf...

Kevin Mars: So not only are you a spaz, you're an elf? Ethan: Yeah, that's right, I'm an elf. I'm the elf king! Kevin Mars: Don't worry... we won't tell.

Ethan: Yeah, that's right! I'm an elf... I'm the elf KING!

Ethan: So, where'd you put your mittens? Hallie: Do you really want to know? Ethan: Yeah, I really want to know. Hallie: I sold them. Ethan: Fine... hope you got a good deal.

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All Saints

1998

Zoe: You said you were crazy about me! Scott Zinenko: Yeah, that was before I got to know you.

Ben Markham: What were you doing? Scott Zinenko: I was just checking. Ben Markham: What, her number? Scott Zinenko: No, that I treated her right while we were dating. Ben Markham: And? Scott Zinenko: She said she was just using me for sex.

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All That

1994

(repeated line) Lump Maroon: Jupiter!

Kevin the stage manager: (at the start of every show) Five minutes! Five minutes! Show starts in five minutes!

Announcer: (show open) Fresh out the box! Stop, look, and watch! Ready yet? Get set! It's all that!

(repeated line) Ed: Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?

Lori Beth Denberg: If there was an animal called a yabba-dabba, and you kept one in your backyard, you might accidentally step in yabba-dabba doo.

Lori Beth Denberg: If your bra is too tight, it's uncomfortable. If you're a *boy* and your bra is too tight, *I'm* uncomfortable.

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All the Pretty Horses

2000

Lacey: Where'd you git this gun? Jimmy: At the gittin' place.

John Grady Cole: What the hell are you doing? Jimmy: Just sittin' here. John Grady Cole: If this rain hits hard, there's gonna be a river come down through here like a train. You thought about that? Jimmy: You ain't never been struck by lightning. You don't know what it's like. John Grady Cole: You're gonna get drowned sittin' there. Jimmy: Why that's all right, I ain't never been drowned before. John Grady Cole: Well... I say no more.

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All the Real Girls

2003

Paul: I just want to be sure that a million years from now I can still see you up close and still have things to say.

Feng Shui: Pretend you're standing over the ocean. You're a millionaire. Pretend you're running over the ocean. You're jumping across mountains. You're jumping across mountains. Everybody loves you.

Noel: Last night I had a dream that you grew a flower on the trampoline and I was so happy that I invented peanut butter!

Bust-Ass: (yelling) Let's dip our nuts in whiskey... and get the girls drunk!

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All the Right Moves

1983

(to the players in the locker room) Steff: Listen up, ladies. Brian Riley is going to USC, motherfuckers! Brian: All I have to do is maintain my fantastic 2.0 grade-point average, and everything is cool.

Steff: You're not god, Nickerson. You're just a typing teacher.

Steff: You are really FUCKED, man! Nickerson: No son, you are.

Steff: Scholarship here, no scholarship here. Who the hell gave you that power?

Steff: We didn't quit, you quit!

Nickerson: You put garbage on me, my wife and my little girl.

Nickerson: Djordjevic! I'd like to talk to you. Steff: We got nothing to talk about. Nickerson: Then where are you going?

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Allan Quatermain and the Lost City of Gold

1987

(referring to Sorais, the well-endowed evil queen, prancing about in her skimpy costume) Allan Quatermain: I've seen some amazing things in my life, but never anything to compare with this.

(referring to his brother, who disappeared searching for The Lost City of Gold) Allan Quatermain: He was always ready to go off at the drop of a legend.

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Allegheny Uprising

1939

The Professor: Men, we've fought and won. But in winning we have lost something. In defending one law, we've come to despise all law. And if you go on like this, we'll destroy the very thing we fight for.

Janie MacDougall: If you're going to hang, I'll hang with you. That's the least you can let me do.

Trader Ralph Callendar: They're real friendly like, the injuns. 'Mac' MacDougall: The only friendly Indians are dead Indians, I say.

James 'Jim' Smith: Put that gun down! Janie MacDougall: I won't! I'm not going to be a widow before I'm even a wife.

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Alles auer Mord - Das Kuckucksei

1995 (TV)

Uli Fichte: Ein Privatdetektiv ist immer nur so gut wie sein Auftraggeber! Und Sie sind ein lausiger Auftraggeber!

Uli Fichte: Wenn Sie mir jetzt noch sagen, wo ich ein Telefonbuch finde, dann knnen Sie einen erwachsenen Mann weinen sehen.

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Amahl and the Night Visitors

1951 (TV)

Amahl: Are you a real king? Balthazar: Yes. Amahl: Have you regal blood? Balthazar: Yes. Amahl: Can I see it? Balthazar: It is just like yours. Amahl: What's the use of having it then? Balthazar: No use.

Amahl: Amongst your magic stones, is there... is there one that could cure a crippled boy? Kaspar: Eh? Amahl: Never mind.

Amahl: What is that? Kaspar: Eh? Amahl: What is that? Kaspar: A parrot. Amahl: Does it talk? Kaspar: Eh? Amahl: Does it talk? Kaspar: How do I know? Amahl: Does it bite? Kaspar: Eh? Amahl: (impatient) DOES IT BITE? Kaspar: Yes.

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Amantes del Crculo Polar, Los

1998

Otto: I'll love you always and if the petrol runs out, I'll die.

Otto: Lives have many cycles but mine has only turned once and not completely... the most important thing is missing.

Otto: Where is my mother? Ana: Nobody knows, it's up to you.

Ana: I could tell my life story as a train of coincidences.

Ana: Do you always sleep under your bed, naked? Give me a good morning kiss.

Ana: I also want to be in love.

Ana: They say, that inside the arctic circle, on summer nights the sun does not set. They call it the midnight sun.

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