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Batman: Gotham Knights

1997

Bruce Wayne: What are you doing tonight? Barbara Gordon: Same thing we do every night, Pinky! Bruce Wayne: What? Barbara Gordon: ... Never mind.

80's Batman: This isn't a mudhole. It's an operating table. And I'm the surgeon.

Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot: That's right. I need chainsaws, dump-trucks, hedge-clippers, and a bottle of aspirin down here - now!

Jack Napier: I may be crazy enough to take on Batman, but the IRS? No thank you!

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The All New Adventures of Laurel & Hardy: For Love or Mummy

1999

Hardy: We've got to split up. Laurel: Don't you want to try counseling. Hardy: It's far too expensive. Not that kind of split up!

Hardy: Dream boat... that's what she'll say when she sees me... Laurel: When I see you, I think tug boat

Hardy: Well Stanley, when you're the biggest dog on the porch, no one will care how loud you bark! Laurel: Your bark is worse than your over-bite...

Laurel: Say, when you were in Egypt, did you happen to see the Eifel Tower? Hardy: Stanley, The Eiffel Tower is not in Egypt... it's in Indiana!

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The All-New Super Friends Hour

1977

(Opening narration) Narrator: Gathered together from the cosmic reaches of the universe, here in this great Hall of Justice, are the most powerful forces of good ever assembled: SUPERMAN! BATMAN AND ROBIN! WONDER WOMAN! AQUAMAN! And The Wonder Twins: ZAN and JAYNA, with their space monkey, GLEEK! Dedicated to prove justice and peace for all mankind!

Jayna, Zan: Wonder Twin powers ACTIVATE! Jayna: Form of a falcon. Zan: Shape of water.

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The Allnighter

1987

Val: Gina? Gina: Yeah? Val: What... what time do you think it is now? Gina: It's time to ask about Brad again! Val: Oh just FINE! FINE! Gina: No, I don't mean that. I just mean, just ENJOY this! I mean Molly's gonna get us out of here. All we have to do is enjoy this. Look at this place... I mean would you look at that toilet? It's the most disgusting toilet I ever saw! What if you had to pee right now? Val: Just shut up, I DO have to go pee right now!

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The Amazing Colossal Man

1957

Manning: What kind of sin could a man commit in a single lifetime to bring this upon himself?

(Dr Lindstrom explains to Carol that Glenn's heart isn't growing as fast as the rest of his body) Dr Paul Linstrom: Now, the reason for this is rather technical, Carol, but to give you a simplified layman's explanation, it might be explained that, since the heart is made up of a *single* cell for all practical purposes, instead of millions of cells like the rest of the organs of the body, it's reacting in an entirely different manner to this unknown stimulus or forces behind this whole thing.

Manning: (reading newspaper) "Man Lives Through Plutonium Blast" (laughs cynically) Manning: They call THIS living?

Manning: I don't want to grow anymore.

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The American Nightmare

2000

Wes Craven: I think there is something about the "American Dream", the sort of Disneyesque dream if you will of the beautifully trimmed front lawn, the white picket fence, mom and dad and their happy children, god fearing and doing good whenever they can; that sort of expectation, and the flipside of it, the kind of anger and the sense of outrage that comes from discovering that that's not the truth of the matter, I think that gives American horror films in some ways kind of an additional rage...

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The Americano

1955

(first lines) Stevie: Pa, how far is Brazil? Barney Dent: That's a long way away, Stevie - clear across the world. Daughter: Is it as far as Amarillo? Barney Dent: Yeah, farther! Stevie: Why are our bulls going to Brazil? Barney Dent: Because we sold 'em to a rancher down there.

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The Assassination Bureau

1969

Miss Winter: With your ideas, I'm surprised you're shocked at the thought of war. Ivan Dragomiloff: Not at all. It's purely a matter of business. How can we charge our sort of prices with everybody happily killing each other for a shilling a day?

Miss Winter: Ivan! Ivan Dragomiloff: Sir Ivan, if you please. Virtue, it seems, has been rewarded.

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The Assassination of Richard Nixon

2004

Samuel Bicke: Certainty is the disease of kings.

Samuel Bicke: Slavery never really ended in this country. It just gave it another name. Employee.

Samuel Bicke: I wanna throw an idea at you. Zebras. Harold Mann: Zebras? Samuel Bicke: Zebras. You see, they're black, and they're white. The Black Panthers become The Zebras, and membership will double.

Samuel Bicke: They can rebuild the White House, but they will never forget me. Not ever.

Samuel Bicke: (softly) It's about money (loudly) It's about money! It's about money, Dick! It's about mon-ey, Dick! It's about money.

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The Avenging Angel

1995 (TV)

Utley: You know, Alpheus, the problem with polygamy is that when you've had 27 wives and 56 children, one's just bound to turn out as dirt-stupid and pig-ugly as you.

Bill Hickman: Blood atonement. That made it easy. Save a wicked man's soul by spilling his blood and raise you own self up in the process. Salvation for the victim, exaltation for the slayer. A good deal for both parties.

Milton Long: It's easy enough to assassinate a powerful man. The real trick, the art of it, is finding someone else to put the blame on.

Miles Utley: You bastard! I'm sending you to hell! Liza Rigby: No, Miles, don't! I'm all right. Don't kill him, please! Don't kill him! Miles Utley: After all he's done! After all the death and deceit, you're trying to save his soul? Liza Rigby: No, I'm trying to save your soul!

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The Baby-Sitters Club

1990

Jackie Rodowsky: She's a girl! Girls are totally gross! Mary Anne Spier: Gee, thanks! Dawn Schaffer: And what are we, space mutants? Jackie Rodowsky: You're... you're... Kristy Thomas: Better make this good Jackie! Jackie Rodowsky: You're... you're baby-sitters!

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The Bad Pack

1998

Sven: (to a soldier with a red dot on his forehead) What's on your forehead? Remi Sykes: (pointing her laserscoped gun at them) What are you boys doing? Sven: (points his gun at her) Drop the gun! Remi Sykes: Well looks like we've got a Mexican standoff here. Sven: So you think I'm scared of you, huh? Bitch! (she shoots them both) Remi Sykes: Hell yes I think you're afraid of me.

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The Ballad of Little Jo

1993

P.D. Smith, Ruby City Mortician: Mr Badger! Frank Badger, sheep farmer: Yeah, what? What the matter? P.D. Smith, Ruby City Mortician: It's about Little Jo! Frank Badger, sheep farmer: Well, speak up, man! What about him! P.D. Smith, Ruby City Mortician: He was a woman!

Frank Badger: Do you think he's going to make it? Ruth Badger: Well, he's got one foot on the other side.

Little Jo Monaghan: Why can't we live as we are?

Frank Badger: Little Jo, you are the unfriendliest fella I ever met, and frankly quite pecular.

Shopkeeper: It's against the law to dress improper to your own sex. Little Jo Monaghan: Yes, ma'am.

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The Basketball Fix

1951

Pat Judd: All right, so I don't know the difference between basketball and hopscotch. Mike Taft: You should, there's little money in hopscotch. Johnny Long: No much more in basketball.

Mike Taft: I'd like for her to have some swimming lessons. Johnny Long: I'd be glad to teach her myself. Lily Courtney: I won't be difficult, I'm Pisces. Johnny Long: Beg your pardon? Lily Courtney: I was born under the fish. Johnny Long: I'm sorry.

Mike Taft: Nice boy. Lily Courtney: Yeah, very. Mike Taft: Not that nice, darling. Lily Courtney: He's probably Scorpio. Say, what did I do with my Astrorama? Mike Taft: You're sitting on it.

Lily Courtney: You're Virgo, I can tell. Pete Ferreday: I'm sorry.

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The Bat

1959

Dr Malcolm Wells: In my report I shall state that death was caused by a stunning blow followed by severe laceration and hemorrhage. Lt Andy Anderson: In plain English, he didn't know what hit him. Dr Malcolm Wells: Oh he knew, but he didn't have time to think about it.

Cornelia van Gorder: (to Lizzie Allen) When you refer to my books, please don't call me "Miss Corny".

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The Batman

1943

Alfred Pennyworth: How many did I kill? Bruce Wayne: Seven. Alfred Pennyworth: But there were only four of the ruffians. Richard Grayson: You killed three of them twice. Alfred Pennyworth: Where are the bodies? Bruce Wayne: We threw them out the window.

(upon seeing Dr Daka) Linda Page: A Jap!

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The Battle of the River Plate

1956

(on board a badly shot up HMNZS Achilles) Gunnery Officer: Captain, sir. Capt Parry, HMNZS Achilles: Yes, guns? Gunnery Officer: We've fired nearly 1200 rounds sir. About one third of the arsenal only remaining. Capt Parry, HMNZS Achilles: Thank you. Are you all right? Gunnery Officer: A few new ventilation gaps here, sir. A bit draughty, but otherwise all right. (Capt Parry turns to look at gunnery control position full of shell holes)

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The Big Broadcast of 1938

1938

First reporter: Say, do you know anything about electricity? S.B. Bellows: My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at State Prison.

Grace Fielding: Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr Bellows. I didn't recognize you in this bad light. S.B. Bellows: Ah, everybody seems to see me in a bad light.

Lord Droopy: Aren't you awake yet? S.B. Bellows: Ohhhhh! I don't know. I haven't looked yet.

S.B. Bellows: Meet me down in the bar! We'll drink breakfast together.

Divorcee: I was married to him for eight months; I gave him the best years of my life!

S.B. Bellows: Never mind what I tell you to do. You do what *I* tell you!

Martha Bellows: Gee, I- I'm so cute! I'll bet they put my picture on the front page. Scoop McPhail: I'll never forget the last time you had your picture on the front page. Your mouth was continued on page two.

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The Big Bus

1976

Dan: You eat one lousy foot and they call you a cannibal. What a world!

Scotty: The aerodynamics work! He's breaking wind at 90!

Voice in barfight: Look out! He's got a broken milk carton!

Kitty Baxter: Dan's a good man, and he's never eaten a whole person in his entire life.

Dan: Quick, how many decisions have I made today?

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The Big Clock

1948

Pauline York: You know, Earl has a passion for obscurity. He won't even have his biography in 'Who's Who'. George Stroud: Sure. He doesn't want to let his left hand know whose pocket the right one is picking.

Earl Janoth: (talking on intercom to Steve Hagen) On the fourth floor - in the broom closet - a bulb has been burning for several days. Find the man responsible, dock his pay.

Louise Patterson: (after George Stroud outbids her for a picture) Isn't it a pity... the wrong people always have money.

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The Big Sleep

1978

Philip Marlowe: What did it matter where you lay once you were dead? In a dirty sump or in a marble tower on the top of a high hill? You were dead, you were sleeping the big sleep, you were not bothered by things like that. Oil and water were the same as wind and air to you. You just slept the big sleep, not caring about the nastiness of how you died or where you fell. Me, I was part of the nastiness now. Far more a part of it than Rusty Regan was. But the old man didn't have to be. He could lie quiet in his canopied bed, with his bloodless hands folded on the sheet, waiting. His heart was a brief, uncertain murmur. His thoughts were as gray as ashes. And in a little while he too, like Rusty Regan, would be sleeping the big sleep.

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The Big Trees

1952

Daisy Fisher: It's lucky for you that I only learned how to write, not read.

Daisy Fisher: You stye on the eye of a flea on a thigh of a nit on the neck of a gnat!

Jim Fallon: Stop thinking so hard, Frenchie. You're liable to get yourself a bad headache.

Alicia Chadwick: Men have been known to change. Walter 'Yukon' Burns: Oh, lady, even I have been given up by women reformers! The biggest mistake a woman can make is to pick the wrong man and try to make him right.

Elder Bixby: Violence is not our creed. Walter 'Yukon' Burns: Yeah, I know. And I believe in turning the other cheek... but you just run out of cheeks. It's time to start growing some religious muscle.

Judge Crenshaw: Mr Burns, I've heard you were an honest man and good with a gun. But I also heard you confessed to weakness for liquor, cards and women. Walter 'Yukon' Burns: Not women, your Honor. They ain't for the weak.

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The Biscuit Eater

1940

(Explaining what a Biscuit Eater is) Harvey McNeil: That's what we call a dog too sorry to hunt anything 'cept his own food.

(Although he lost the field trial, Promise's performance did not go unnoticed) Harvey McNeil: I was wrong about that dog all along. Mr Ames: It's easy to see how enough love and faith can outclass a whole kennel of thoroughbreds.

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The Bishop's Wife

1947

Sylvester: The main trouble is there are too many people who don't know where they're going and they want to get there too fast!

Dudley: Sometimes angels rush in where fools fear to tread.

Henry Brougham: Are you expecting a letter? Dudley: Well, you never know. If I did get one, the stamp would certainly be worth saving.

Dudley: The only people who grow old were born old to begin with.

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The Bitch

1979

(On a popular disco) Hal Leonard: It's a little bit on the gay side - but gay is *in*!

(Paul tries to join Fontaine in the shower) Fontaine Khaled: Paul, I don't have time for an encore! Paul: Not even time to take a bow? Fontaine Khaled: Well - maybe just a tiny curtsey!

Fontaine Khaled: After the pleasure, the pain, lover!

Arnold Rinstead: I'll make an honest woman of you if you want... Fontaine Khaled: Honest woman? God that makes me angry! What the hell does being married have to do with honesty?

Arnold Rinstead: Anger suits you. Fontaine Khaled: How about contempt?

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The Book of Life

1998

(about human beings) Satan: It's amazing the things they do. They're inventing themselves now. Artificial intelligence and cybergenetics and so on. Jesus Christ: It's impressive, I admit. Satan: They're cross-fertilizing pears with apples and goats with sheeps, tobacco plants with lightning bugs. Jesus Christ: Now that's just stupid. Satan: Well, I agree.

Edie: Are you really the Devil? Ryan, Thomas Jay: Yes. Edie: Would you like some soup? (Satan looks completely baffled) Dave: She's a Buddhist.

Jesus Christ: My father He is a jealous god. To Him the law is everything. Even today, lawyers are His favorites.

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The Boy in the Plastic Bubble

1976 (TV)

Dr Ernest Gunther: May we have the air conditioning ducts and heat vents closed, please. And no movement while the air settles down. Anybody down there planning on having an itch, please scratch it now. Not later, please.

Johnny Lubitch: (to his wife) There were never two people in the world that were more meant to be parents than you and me.

Johnny Lubitch: My son is not a freak!

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The Bride

1985/I

Viktor the Monster: Mine! (gesturing at Eva) Baron Charles Frankenstein: Take your filthy hands off me! Viktor the Monster: (grabbing Eva's hand) For me! Baron Charles Frankenstein: Yes, she's for you.

Eva: A woman should do as she pleases, just like a man. You taught me that.

Baron Charles Frankenstein: You must trust me, and you must obey me! Eva: I will not obey you! I will not! Baron Charles Frankenstein: Don't provoke me, Eva! Eva: I will provoke you!

Baron Charles Frankenstein: I created your body, just as I created your mind. And I can uncreate it too.

Clerval: The trouble with free women Charles, is they're free to despise us. It's a risk I find unacceptable.

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The Bridges at Toko-Ri

1955

(Nestor has just been killed by North Korean troops) Mike Forney: Poor Nestor. They were going to give him a medal, too.

Lt Harry Brubaker: I'm a lawyer from Denver, Colorado. Mike Forney: Then what are you doing in a smelly ditch in Korea, Sir? Lt Harry Brubaker: I was just asking myself that same question.

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The Broadway Melody

1929

Hank Mahoney: (after a cat-fight with a chorus girl) Next time I'll give you a facial instead of a scalp treatment! Chorus Girl: I'll fix you, ya little peanut!

Eddie Kearns: Those men aren't going to pay ten bucks to look at your face; this is Broadway! Hank Mahoney: Yeah, "Broad's way!"

Uncle Jed: It's better to star in Pe- Pe- Pe- Osh Kosh then starve on Broadway.

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The Capture of Grizzly Adams

1982 (TV)

Kate Brady: You really do care. You like helping people, don't you? James 'Grizzly' Adams: Well, when you come to think about it, all that a person has is other folks. And I reckon there's a lot of folks in these parts that could use a helping hand.

Kate Brady: Do you really believe it's the sheriff's duty to hang a man we all know is innocent?

Frank Briggs: Go ahead, Adams, run again! James 'Grizzly' Adams: Not this time, Briggs! A man like you has got to be stopped!

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The Care Bears Movie

1985

(As they dangle precariously from a tree) Share Bear: Secret Bear says not to worry about falling - worry about the lion instead!

Share Bear: Look! I'm hydroplaning!

Mr Cherrywood: They never stay awake long enough to find out what became of Nicholas, but he's doing just fine. Mrs Cherrywood: Oh, these children should have been in bed hours ago, what am I going to with you, Nicholas? Mr Cherrywood: Care for me, Mrs Cherrywood, just care for me.

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The Carpenters: Music, Music, Music

1980 (TV)

Richard Carpenter: Good evening and welcome to a show about the things we love. Music and the people who make it. Karen Carpenter: Richard and I can think of no better way to spend an hour, than to fill it with music. Richard Carpenter: Many hours in our lives have been spent that way and this one is special, because it includes America's first lady of song... Miss Ella Fitzgerald. Karen Carpenter: And a man who's always welcome, because he's one of the best friends a good song ever had... John Davidson. Richard Carpenter: So after all the hour's of music that have preceded this one in our lives, we are very happy to welcome you to one more hour of music, music, music.

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The Cat and the Canary

1939

Wally Campbell: Let's all drink gin and make wry faces.

Wally Campbell: I'm so scared, even my goose pimples have goose pimples.

Cicily: Don't big empty houses scare you? Wally Campbell: Not me, I used to be in vaudeville.

Cicily: Do you believe people come back from the dead? Wally Campbell: You mean like Republicans?

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The Cell

2000

Catharine Deane: Do you believe there is a part of yourself, deep inside in your mind, with things you don't want other people to see? During a session when I'm inside, I get to see those things.

Carl Stargher: And what world do you live in?

Carl Stargher: Where do you come from?

Carl Stargher: You can not kill me.

Miriam: Did we go sailing? Catharine Deane: Almost! Mocky-Lock showed up. Miriam: (saying a nursery rhyme) Mocky-Lock is the boogeyman, Mocky-Lock wants me where I am! Catharine Deane: Mocky-Lock is a pain in the ass.

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The Chalk Garden

1964

Laurel: Ding dong, DING DONG!

Laurel: Thanks for the compliment. Don't expect one in return!

Laurel: (hanging by the skirt of her dress) I happen to like climbing in trees!

Laurel: Barratry. Applicant: Barratry? Laurel: Arson, at sea.

Laurel: Hush! Judge, we don't speak of her here. Judge: My dear child, is she living? Laurel: In sin, Judge, in sin.

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The Changeling

1980

John Russell: It's my understanding... that there are, uh... twenty-three students registered... for this series of lectures on advanced musical form. Now, we all know it's not raining outside, and unless there's a fire in some other part of the building that we don't know about, there's an awful lot of people here with nothing better to do.

Minnie Huxley: That house is not fit to live in. No one's been able to live in it. It doesn't want people.

John Russell: You goddamn son of a bitch. (shouting) What do you want from me? I've done everything I could do.

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The Clown at Midnight

1998

Monica: I felt like a bimbo in cheap horror film.

Ashley: What are you thinking? Taylor: Huh? Ashley: I asked you what you were thinking. Taylor: Nothing. Ashley: You can't be thinking about nothing. Even a retard has something on his mind.

Marty: It appears you are no match for the gay blade!

Kate: Break a leg!

Monica: I felt like a bimbo in a slasher movie screaming like that.

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The Comic Strip

1981 (TV)

Arnold Brown: We had the other difficulty in Glasgow of my father being a teetotaller. And the shame on Saturday nights of him being constantly thrown into pubs.

Richard Dangerous: We'd like to open this evening with a little joke. Adrian Dangerous: A joke? Richard Dangerous: Joke. Adrian Dangerous: Knock, knock! Richard Dangerous: Who's there? Adrian Dangerous: Open the door! Richard Dangerous: Open the... (off microphone) What the fuck are you talking about?

Alexei Sayle: Jean-Paul Sartre, what a fucking cunt, eh? What a fucking cunt. We hate him round our way. You know why? You know why? 'Cos he knows fuck all about a Cortina, that's why.

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The Conversation

1974

Harry Caul: I'm not afraid of death, but I am afraid of murder.

Martin Stett: I'm not following you, I'm looking for you. There's a big difference.

(About a bum on a park bench) Ann: Every time I see one of those old guys, I always think the same thing. Mark: What do you think? Ann: I always think that he was once somebody's baby boy.

(repeated line from the recording) Mark: He'd kill us if he got the chance.

Martin Stett: (Final Line) We'll be listening to you.

Ann: This conversation is over.

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The Cookout

2004

Security Guard: Do you know Marquis Fontaineau? Little Dee: Light skin with good hair, yeah I know thim. Little Dee's Baby: You know my daddy! Security Guard: Aw hell no! Little Dee: Let's roll. (drives off) Security Guard: (calls Marquis Fontaineau on her cell phone) Marquis, I thought you said you didn't know Little Dee. I met her. I seen her. I seen your damm baby.

Leroy: In hockey, they hit a black puck around, why can't the puck be white. Wes: Well on ice, a white puck might be difficult to see. Leroy: I would expect you to say that.

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The Couch Trip

1988

Hendricks: He cares, that's the secret. It's in his voice. Do you know what that means to an advertiser? Donald Becker: Whoever wants the donuts without jelly, they're ready.

George Maitlin: Am I in this marriage alone, Vera?

Vera: Oh Harvey, it's so wrong. He's my husband. You're his lawyer and best friend. Harvey: From now on just think of me as his lawyer.

(BURNS has just thrown away Becker's medication) Donald Becker: I hope this hotel has cable. I can't face terrestrial TV without drugs.

Donald Becker: I know your sort. You're a malcontent, a misfit, someone who's never achieved shit in his life. Takes one to know one.

City Psychiatrist: We're supposed to study emotions, not have them.

Donald Becker: (holding several doughnuts with straws inserted) If anybody wants a doughnut with no jelly, these are ready.

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The Counterfeit Traitor

1962

Marianne Mllendorf: Legally, we've been married ten years. Actually - just about a month. Very early, he told me I was one in a million. And I discovered he was telling the truth.

Eric Erickson: I'm curious. Ever since I met you, I've wondered what they have on you. The Allies, I mean. They've told me if I don't work for them, I lose my business. Marianne Mllendorf: Oh, I see. Yes, I have something to lose too. If I don't help them I lose my self-respect. Well, haven't you ever opposed anything for the simple reason that it's wrong, morally wrong?

Baron Gerhard von Oldenburg: Strange... You can read about a hundred atrocities, even about a thousand, but you only have to see one.

Eric Erickson: Suddenly, he becomes your brother.

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The Country Bears

2002

Officer Ham: Give me a description of the child? Dex: Oh! He has brown hair; ALL OVER HIS BODY!

Dex: (Holding up a baby picture) This is my baby picture, (holds up another picture of a park ranger holding a bear) and this is yours.

(coming out of the car wash, Officer Hamm's hair looks like doo-wop style hair) Officer Cheets: Your hair looks ridiculous. (Officer Cheets turns to find that his hair is longer) Officer Hamm: My hair?

Officer Hamm: Have you seen this boy? (Holds up a picture of Beary) Big Al: Yep, only in real life he's a lot bigger, and not all teeny and flat like that!

Reed Thimple: (after destorying a model of Country Bear Hall) Oh no, Country Bear Hall has been crushed!

Reed Thimple: Do you like the sound of crunching wood? I do.

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The Country Girl

1954

Bernie Dodd: Does your wife really want you to play this part? Frank Elgin: Yeah, she's all for it Bernie Dodd: I was just wondering. The day I met her, she seemed a little difficult about terms and rather domineering, I thought. Frank Elgin: She wasn't always like that Bernie Dodd: Oh I know, I know. They all start out as Juliets and wind up as Lady Macbeths.

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The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course

2002

Steve Irwin: Crikey!

Steve Irwin: Dija see that?

Steve Irwin: It's CROC savin' time!

Steve Irwin: That was a close one!

Brozzie: I'd offer you a drink, but I don't want you to stay.

Brozzie: The two blokes look like they've never been out of an office. The girl might chip a fingernail if she's not careful.

Sam Flynn: Brozzie! Brozzie! Brozzie: I'm in the bathroom, you idiot!

Brozzie: (sarcastically) Maybe I'll invite them for tea, with a nice big croc on the barby. Sam Flynn: Oh come on, Brozzie, they're experts!

(repeated line) Sam Flynn: Ah, Sugah!

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The Cube

1969 (TV)

Professor: Excuse me, I know this is a bad time but I just wanted to congratulate you and shake your hand. The Man in the Cube: Oh? On what? Professor: Well, as I interpret what you're doing here, this is all a very complex discussion of Reality versus Illusion. The perfect subject for the television medium! The Man in the Cube: What do you mean, television? Professor: Well, this is a television play. The Man in the Cube: What? Professor: Oh, you don't believe that? The Man in the Cube: Of course not! Professor: I should have thought you'd want to. After all, there's only one other possible explanation. The Man in the Cube: Which is? Professor: Hallucination. That you are altogether insane.

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The Curse of the Jade Scorpion

2001

Chris: You know, there's a word for people who think everyone is conspiring against them. C.W.: I know, perceptive.

C.W.: A lot of women have passed through this apartment. I can't say they were all winners, but...

C.W.: It's a match made in heaven... by a retarded angel.

Betty Ann: You don't have a kosher bone in your body.

C.W.: They all look the same upside down.

C.W.: I hate her just like I hate that German Chancellor with the moustache.

Betty Ann: You're searching my desk! C.W.: I wasn't searching I was rummaging.

Jill: Gosh, all this passion in a lousy insurance office!

C.W. Briggs: They say, I always get my man. Laura Kensington: Me too.

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The Curse

1987/I

Frances Hayes: Hail Mary full of grace, how's your garden grow?

Nathan Hayes: What's the matter? Zachary Hayes: It tastes funny. Nathan Hayes: What tastes funny? Zachary Hayes: The water. Nathan Hayes: It's the minerals in it. It's good for you. Alice Hayes: It makes the vegetables taste weird.

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The Days

2004

Cooper Day: One day, all of this will make me very rich.

Jack Day: Did anyone have sex, take drugs, or skip school? Day children: (in unison) No! Jack Day: Carry on.

Cooper Day: (Talking to Jack Day about hitting Lane Dugen) I'll deny it.

Jack Day: I suddenly find myself unemployed. Abby Day: I suddenly find myself pregnant.

Abby Day: (To Jack) We're not perfect. Cooper Day: Oh, alert the media.

Cooper Day: (Pointing to Lane Dugen) We know where you live!

Cooper Day: You gotta stop bein' the bunny and step up to the plate. Nathan Day: That's an absurd sentence! Cooper Day: Absurd or brilliant?

Cooper Day: (On the subject of Natalie being pregnant) Yeah, and I can't wait to tell everyone at school you don't know who the father is.

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The Deep End of the Ocean

1999

Candy Bliss: This is a nice imitation of a life you've got here.

Sam Karras: Were you drunk? Vincent: I was overserved.

Beth Cappadora: You self-righteous son of a bitch! Pat Cappadora: I'm not self-righteous, I'm RIGHT! Kids don't just vanish up in smoke, kids don't just get lost, PEOPLE LOSE THEM!

Ellen: Remember Cecile Lockhart? Beth Cappadora: You mean, star of STAGE, SCREEN, and now SOAP COMMERICAL, that Cecile Lockhart. Oh my God, there she is. Ellen: Remember the first time she got laid. Beth Cappadora: (mimicking her) Oh, I can't imagine going a month without it. (Not realizing her kids are listening) Jimmy Daugherty: She means pizza guys.

Babysitter: Sure Thing Mrs Cappadora Beth Cappadora: Mrs Cappadora, good Christ.

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The Devil's Disciple

1959

Major Swindon: But what about history, sir? General John Burgoyne: History, sir, will tell lies, as usual!

Dick Dudgeon: The rest of this story is pure fiction. Rest assured, you can believe every word of it.

Major Swindon: I can only do my best sir, and rely on the devotion of our countrymen. General John Burgoyne: May I ask, Major, are you writing a melodrama? Major Swindon: No, sir. General John Burgoyne: (sarcastically) What a pity! WHAT a pity!

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The Distinguished Gentleman

1992

Thomas Jefferson Johnson: Chairman Dodge, please! Would you tell him that it's Mr Joshua Benjamin from the NAACP on the line! Actually Mame, you could be a great deal of help, I have a few minor questions. I would like to know how many members of the Chairman's committee are African American?... None... Well, surely, there must be a Latino member on the committee... No Latinos either... Ah! Does ah! the Chairman have any Asians or Native Americans on the Committee? Does the Chairman have any Handicaps or Gays on the Committee? No Gays. Well, thank you mame, you've been a great deal of help. Just forget I even called. Just tell him I said 'hi'.

Thomas Jefferson Johnson: Well I've got to do something to help these people. Celia Kirby: Don't tell me you're actually developing a conscience. Thomas Jefferson Johnson: God I hope not, it's gonna be a fuckin' nuisance in Congress.

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The Down and Dirty Duck

1974

(song lyrics) Flo & Eddie: Liz, Mary or Louise - They'll get down on their knees. Or, Sydney the dyke, Uh, what would you like? We're here to please. June, Cindy or Jeanine Or, all three might be a scene. It's all up to you, a Negro, a Jew For you to screw.

(in the desert) Willard: Say, how did you come to be a duck? Duck: Well, I was a turtle for a while, but that wasn't going anywhere. Then my mother gave me the chance to be a duck, and I sort of flowed from there... (while the Duck is talking, a caricature of Frank Zappa rises like the sun over the horizon) Willard: Oh, Eddie, you have GOT to be kidding.

Duck: You can't do this to me! I was at Woodstock in '69! I saw 200 MOTELS! I know who I am!

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The Dragon Odds, The

1977

Lobo: No I can't jump,.. I'll get VERTIGO.

Brothel Mistress: (Giggle) Oh sir. Why do you want my picture of me? There are so many other lovely young ladies here. Lobo: I want your picture.. to keep away devils.

Lobo: No I can't jump,.. I'll get vertigo.

Brothel Mistress: Oh sir. Why do you want my picture of me? There are so many other lovely young ladies here." Lobo: I want your picture.. to keep away devils.

Chinese Call-Girl: "Don't tell me this is your first time." Mo: "Oh-no. I've been here many, many times before." Lobo: "The big bullshitter!"

Martial Arts Master: "This maneuver is called 'Tiger Death Thrust'. You can kill a real-live tiger with it! And-that's-no-joke-either!"

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The Dreamstone

1990

Urpgor: Why must I always deliver my creations into the hands of halfwits who can hardly remember their own names?

Frizz: Nice view of the sea, Sarge. Two little islands. And one of them's coming towards us. Now it's rising up out of the water, sarge. Nug: And it's got one eye... Aaaaaaaargh! Frizz: Aaaaaaaaaargh!

Narator: (repeated line at start of show) And now, everyone is hard at work (shows "everyone") Oh... No they're not...

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The Duxorcist

1987

Daffy Duck: Okay, so where's the fire? It's in the oven, I presume. (He opens the oven to find an artic landscape inside) Whoops, my mistake. Nothing a little Oozy-off couldn't fix. (He opens the fridge; flames come out from inside) Must be the frost-free kind

Woman: Ouyay upidstay erkjay! Daffy Duck: Gosh, and I thought French was the romantic language.

Woman: Mary had a little lamb... but I ate it!

Daffy Duck: (reading) "Of utmost importance in the exorcism of spirits is to keep them amused." Keep them amused, huh? I'll slay 'em. A guy comes up to me on the street, says he hasn't had a bite in weeks. So I bit him. (a ghost appears) Howdy, stranger. Just flew in from another world, I see. I bet your arms are tired. (a second ghost appears) They don't seem all that amused. Must be the culture gap. I'll hit a little closer to home. Did you hear about the girl who didn't pay her exorcism bill? Her soul got repossessed.

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The Electric Company

1971

(repeated line) J. Arthur Crank: Who's the dummy writing this show?

Narrator of 'The Adventures of Letterman': Faster than a rolling "O!" Stronger than Silent "E!" Able to leap Capital "T" at a single bound! It's a word! It's a plan! It's Letterman!

Mel Mounds, the DJ: What time is it?

Narrator, "Love of Chair": And what about... Naomi?

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The Emperor's New Clothes

2001

Nicole 'Pumpkin' Truchaut: I bought it from a lawyer who went bankrupt. Napoleon Bonaparte: Well, that's something. I didn't know that was possible.

(Men are repossessing her furniture, more specifically the sofa) Nicole 'Pumpkin' Truchaut: My husband died on that sofa! (pause. Men carry the sofa out of the house, then go towards the chair) Nicole 'Pumpkin' Truchaut: (rushing over) My husband died in that chair!

Nicole 'Pumpkin' Truchaut: (whispering) You are my Napoleon.

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The Entrepreneurs

2003

Martin: (knocks on door) Ray! (knocks) Open the door! (knocks) Come out here, Ray! Ray: (muffled) Leave me alone! I'm in love. August: You don't say that word around here! Martin: If you're in love with her so much, then why didn't you bring her here and fuck her? Ray: (comes out of the bathroom) I'll kill you!

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