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Bad Lieutenant

1992

(to a hallucination of Jesus Christ) The Lieutenant: You fuck. Where were you?

(crying to a hallucination of Jesus Christ) The Lieutenant: I'm sorry, Lord. I've done so many bad things.

Zoe: Vampires are lucky, they can feed on others. We gotta eat away at ourselves. We gotta eat our legs to get the energy to walk. We gotta come, so we can go. We gotta suck ourselves off. We gotta eat away at ourselves til there's nothing left but appetite. We give, and give and give crazy. Cause a gift that makes sense ain't worth it. Jesus said seventy times seven. No one will ever understand why, why you did it. They'll just forget about you tomorrow, but you gotta do it.

The Lieutenant: Show me how you suck a guy's cock.

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Being Julia

2004

Julia Lambert: I'm tired, I'm utterly exhausted and I need holiday.

Julia Lambert: Real actresses don't make films. Tom Fennel: Beautiful actresses do.

Grace Dexter: I think I used to know your father in Jersey, he was a doctor, wasn't he? He used to come to our house quite often. Julia Lambert: Actually, he was a vet, he used to go to your house to deliver the bitches. Your house was full of them.

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Mother, Jugs & Speed

1976

Murdoch: You know Mrs Fishbein, you are a hell of a good-looking woman. Mother: (overhearing on the radio) He really IS stoned.

Tony: "They don't call me Speed for nuthin". Jennifer: "Well, let's hope they don't call you Speed for everything!"

Dermatologist: I happen to be the finest dermatologist in this city! Mother: Well, if acne breaks out, we'll let you know.

Harry: This is STILL the United States of America, god damn it! Los Angeles, California! Land of the free, home of the... Mother: Rams and the Dodgers!

Mother: One of these days, Murdoch, we're gonna pool together and get you something that won't fight back. Like a quadruple amputee.

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Moussaka & Chips

2005

Jay: Get Te France!

Jay: There are only two ways this can go. Complete the job or prison, and I have no aptitude for the correctional experience. Shalom Godsall: I wouldnt have said that I would have thought you would have fitted right in.

Miles Foster: If you ever fancy a change of career, I know this great lap dancing club. Miles Foster: Shut up Miles!

Officer David Tomlinson: You are rude, arrogant and selfish, your methods are sloppy and your conclusions are questionable, you are a poor agent, Agent Marks.

Officer David Tomlinson: My car appears to be free, waiting to take anyone where they want to go. Charlotte Green: (Kisses Tomlinson on cheek) Thank you!

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Mr & Mrs Smith

1941

David Smith: I'd give five bucks to see that cat take a sip of that soup.

David Smith: I will never forget you in that little blue dress.

(trying to get into an old dress of hers) Anne: I can't imagine anything hanging in the closet shrinking so much.

Anne: If you had it all to do over again, would you still have married me? David: Honestly, no.

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Mr Bean

1990

Mr Bean: (about his credit card) My flexible friend.

(opening theme) Choir: (singing) Ecce homo que est faba. (Latin: "Behold the man who is a bean")

Cilla Black: Batchelor number 3, what's your name and where d'you come from? Mr Bean: Um, well I'm... Number 3. And I've come... from my dressing room. Cilla Black: Aww, bless his little cotton socks! I meant, where are you from, what's your name? Mr Bean: Er, Bean. Cilla Black: What's your first name? Mr Bean: (pause) Mister.

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Muppets Treasure Island

1996 (VG)

1st Pirate: (stoking skeleton) Dead Tom's dead, Dead Tom's dead, Dead Tom's dead... 2nd Pirate: But, Dead Tom's - ALWAYS - been dead. That's why he's called, "Dead Tom." 1st Pirate: Oh. Right (tosses skeleton off screen)

Jim, Rizzo the Rat: We're standing... in a room... with a dead guy... AAAAHHHHHHH! Rizzo the Rat: Sheesh! And this is supposed to be a kid's movie.

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My Brilliant Career

1979

Sybylla: Dear fellow countrymen, just a few words to let you know that this story is going to be all about me. So, in answer to many requests, here is the story of my career... here is the story, of my career... my brilliant career. I make no apologies for sounding egotistical... because I am!

Sybylla: I think ugly girls should be shot at birth by their parents. It's bad enough being born a girl... but ugly and clever... Aunt Gussie: Oh, fancy you're clever, do you? Sybylla: I rather hope so. I'm done for if I'm not!

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My Favorite Martian

1963

Uncle Martin: We don't have love on Mars. Either it was too silly to bother with, or it was something we discarded in our Dusk Ages. Tim O'Hara: You mean the Dark Ages? Uncle Martin: We were never that primitive.

Uncle Martin: After all as a very wise man once told me, the chicken is not infrequently the true dove of peace.

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My Favorite Spy

1951

Peanuts White: That dress does things for you. Doesn't do me any harm either.

Peanuts White: It's nights like these that drive men like me to women like you for nights like this.

Lily Dalbray: The closer I get to death the more I realize that I love you. Peanuts White: The closer I get to death the more I realize I love me, too.

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My Left Foot

1989

(Christy's father builds him a house next to his parents) Mrs Brown: Well, Christy, that's the nearest he'll ever come to saying I love you.

(Christy's nurse won't light his cigarette because it's bad for his health) Christy Brown: I didn't ask for a fucking psychological lecture. I only asked for a fucking light.

(writing a suicide note) Christy Brown: All is nothing, therefore nothing must end.

(sarcastically offering congratulations to Eileen, his beloved therapist) Christy Brown: Con-gra-tu-la-tions to you and Peter. I'm glad you taught me to speak so I could say that.

Dr Eileen Cole: If you work with me, I'll help you say "fuck off" more clearly.

Mr Brown: (entering a bar holding nine-year-old Christy) This is Christy Brown, my son. Genius.

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My Life and Times

1991

(opening narration) Ben Miller: I can't say that I've seen everything but I've seen a lot. I've seen footsteps on the moon and seen myself stumble. I've seen fear and did my darndest not to be afraid. I've survived the nineties and braved the millennium. I've loved and lost and learned to love again. And I've learned that life is an adventure. You have to hold on and let it carry you away. I've let in carry me to me to the year 2035 and I'm here to tell the tale. I'm Ben Miller and this is my life and times.

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My Life as a Movie

2003 (TV)

(Brenda to interviewer: His responsibility is not to turn me into what I chose not to be and that's the most important thing. Interviewer to Gary Director) : How much responsibility did you feel to the real Brenda? Gary to Interviewer: Oh - none.

Brenda: Does this look like an all American girl? No. It looks like the girl next doors mom.

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My Life So Far

1999

Edward Pettigrew: Jazz is the sound of the devil sniggering at our follies.

Fraser Pettigrew: (reading from his father's old book) "Dearest Samuel, Forbidden fruit is always the sweetest. I have many things I would like to teach you, if only we can find the opportunity. The very thought arouses me to lubricious ecstasies" (beat) Probably a golfing friend.

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My Little Duckaroo

1954

Daffy Duck: After all, it's not the principle of the thing, it's the money.

Daffy Duck: (with Mexican accent) I am the Frisco Kid. Please come quietly, Seor, or I shall whip you. (Gets tangled in his own whip) Daffy Duck: Well, you don't have to come quietly. You could make a little noise if you like.

(Daffy and Nasty Canasta play cards; Daffy deals) Daffy Duck: (aside) I can't lose. I have a royal straight flush full house with four aces high. (to Canasta) Daffy Duck: What do you have? Nasty Canasta: (shoving a gun down Daffy's throat) I have a three of clubs. Daffy Duck: Beats what I've got.

Daffy Duck: I think you're pretty tough, don't I?

Daffy Duck: I told you I'd fix his little red wagon. You should have seen it. One broken wheel. Axel all bent. Needed a new coat of paint. Now, I'm going home to mother!

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My Name Is Julia Ross

1945

(After interviewing Julia for a live-in secretarial position) Mrs Hughes: She's perfect. There's even a small resemblance.

Ralph Hughes: You haven't forgotten us again, have you, Marian? Julia Ross: You know perfectly well I'm Julia Ross!

(to the maid, not in on the conspiracy) Sparkes: Last week she thought I was the Queen. Maid: Comin' down in the world, aren't you?

Julia Ross: The next time I apply for a job, I'll ask for *their* references.

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My Science Project

1985

Cop: Hey kid. Why do you wear sunglasses at night? Vince Latello: Because when you're cool, the sun shine on you 24 hours a day.

Detective Nulty: What's your name, cowboy? Bob Roberts: Robert Roberts, Esquire to you, honky!

Latello: My old man says, "Treat broads like dirt and they love ya." Harlan: Oh, yeah? So where's your old lady? Latello: My parents are divorced.

Vince Latello: I just want to be home watching cartoons!

Sherman: This plant has been extinct for sixty billion years! Vince Latello: Yeah? Well I ain't ever seen one before!

Vince Latello: (gives the finger to another driver on the road and says) "Sit on this, buttplug!"

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M.Y.O.B.

2000

(Riley shows Opal her birth certificate) Opal Marie Brown: Where did you get this? Riley Veatch: My boyfriend hacked into the Social Services Agency's computer system and downloaded my file. Opal Marie Brown: Then your boyfriend committed a felony. Riley Veatch: Actually two, by the time I got done thanking him.

Cheerleader: If you don't accept our offer of friendship, we'll make your life at this school a living hell. Riley Veatch: Did you ever see "Carrie"?

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Mystery of the Wax Museum

1933

Florence: OK, brother, then you can go to some nice warm place, and I don't mean California.

Winton: I've only known you twenty-four hours, but I'm in love with you. Florence: Doesn't usually take that long.

Ivan Igor: My dear, why are you so pitifully afraid? Immortality has been the dream, the inspiration of mankind through the ages. And I am going to give you immortality!

Ivan Igor: I offer you immortality, my child. Think of it: in a thousand years you shall be as lovely as you are now!

Florence: I don't know WHAT he was, but he made Frankenstein look like a lily!

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Namak Halaal

1982

Arjun Singh: I know such English that I will leave the British behind. You see sir, I can talk English, I can walk English, I can laugh English, I can run English, because English is such a funny language. Bhairo becomes Byron because their minds are very narrow. In the year 1929 when India was playing Australia at the Melbourne stadium Vijay Hazare and Vijay Merchant were at the crease. Vijay Merchant told Vijay Hazare. look Vijay Hazare Sir , this is a very prestigious match and we must consider it very prestigiously. We must take this into consideration, the consideration that this is an important match and ultimately this consideration must end in a run. In the year 1979 when Pakistan was playing against India at the Wankhede stadium Wasim Raja and Wasim Bari were at the crease and they took the same consideration. Wasim Raja told Wasim Bari, look Wasim Bari, we must consider this consideration and considering that this is an important match we must put this consideration into action and ultimately score a run. And both of them considered the consideration and ran and both of them got out.

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National Lampoon Goes to the Movies

1982

Stan Nagurski: I didn't want to say anything, but you're boring.

Stan Nagurski: Never stop anywhere you might have to get out the car

Stan Nagurski: Nagurski's Law Number Four: "Never go into a music store that's been cut into with an acetyline torch."

Brent Falcone: Oh boy... Oreos. Double cream.

Brent Falcone: Hi, Honey. I've been shot again.

Brent Falcone: Falcone's Law Number One: Let Nagurski do it.

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Ned Blessing: The True Story of My Life

1992 (TV)

Bruto Half-Tongue: What are you doing sitting under my little shade tree? Anthony Blessing: Your shade tree? Bruto Half-Tongue: Yes my shade tree. Isn't that right Ignacio? Anthony Blessing: Well our apologies. We didn't know it was your shade tree. Bruto Half-Tongue: Well, it's too late to say I'm sorry, amigo. Look, you have already used up all the shade. Now there is none left for me.

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Nelly & Monsieur Arnaud

1995

(To Nelly as a sommelier pours her wine at a fancy restaurant) Arnaud: It's older than you.

(To Nelly, as he hands her the conclusion of his manuscript) Arnaud: Here's the end. Read it, make cuts, but spare the sentences I like. You'll recognize them. They're underlined.

Monsieur Arnaud: We struck it rich in real estate, making Paris ugly.

Monsieur Arnaud: You reach an age when you read the same few books over and over.

Monsieur Arnaud: Marry an old man like me and you'll have liberty, security, and austerity.

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Never Among Friends

2002

Sean Ferrara: Tell me to drink... tell me not to drink... you go see a fuckin' shrink!

Tracy Jones: This is so typical of you. So tell me, how many slut girls did you sleep with? You can't be a man and act like an adult? Sean Ferrara: Well, maybe if you acted like a adult instead of the bitch you are... Tracy Jones: You know what? You're a washed up loser!

Steve Wilson: Life seems to be on the upswing.

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Never Cry Wolf

1983

Rosie: We're all of us prospectors up here, eh, Tyler? Scratchin' for that... that one crack in the ground. Never have to scratch again. I'll let you in on a little secret, Tyler: the gold's not in the ground. The gold's not anywhere up here. The real gold is south of 60 -- sittin' in livin' rooms, stuck facin' the boob tube, bored to death. Bored to death, Tyler.

Rosie: Take the stick... Aaaaaaah! Tyler: What's wrong? Rosie: Boredom, Tyler. Boredom - that's what's wrong. And how do you beat boredom, Tyler?... Adventure. Adventure, Tyler. Tyler: Where are you going, Rosie? Rosie, what are you doing? I can't fly this thing! What do I do?

Drunk: (warning Tyler about wolves) They'll tear you apart, just for the ugly fun of it.

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Never Die Alone

2004

Blue: (after beating and robbing the man in apartment) don't worry man, I'll leave you enough to buy a pack of Newports...

King David: we reap what we sow, that's what the bible says. Payback's a muthafucka, think James Brown said that. same shit, we all know the story... or at least we pretend we do...

Michael: 'the fuck is a white boy like you doin' uptown in a dead man's car?

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A New Kind of Love

1963

Steve Sherman: Here's to all the bachelors in the world. May our tribe increase. Harry: How? Steve Sherman: Automation.

Samantha Blake: I don't want to be a semi-maiden forever. Steve Sherman: What the hell is that? Samantha Blake: It's worse than nothing at all. It's like eating one peanut.

Steve Sherman: Don't cry, Sam Samantha Blake: Don't call me Sam! (He kisses her) Steve Sherman: Well, I'll never call you Sam again!

Steve Sherman: Anyway, that's where I was when the brains were being passed out. Mimi: You know where I was? Taking a bath in champagne.

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Nick Danger in The Case of the Missing Yolk

1983 (V)

(Nick Danger reaches across the split-screen and starts throttling Rocky Rococo) Rocky Rococo: Wait a minute! You can't do this, Mr Danger! It's technically impossible! Nick Danger: Yeah? Well, I'm not a technician, I'm a detective!

Nick Danger: I spell my name... (looks back at office door to check) ... Regnad.

(Answering phone) Nick Danger: Nick Danger, Third Eye. Rocky Rococo: Hello, I want to order some anchovies to go, and hold the pizza.

Nick Danger: I probably should've known what a can of worms I was opening just by getting out of bed that day... but who wants to sleep with worms?

(Danger reaches across and rips off Rococo's soul patch) Rocky Rococo: Ow! My jazz beard!

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Night and the City

1992

Harry Fabian: A toast, a toast, a toast, a toast. To you all. No, the hell with you all. To me all.

Judge Parker: Fabian - get the fuck out of my court.

Harry Fabian: Phil Nasseros, the meanest bartender in New York! Fucking guy just eighty-sixed a nun!

Peck: Harry, you ever hear of Murphy's Law? Anything that can go wrong WILL go wrong. That law was dedicated to guys like you.

Harry Fabian: This is like the Greyhound station for DEATH!

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Night Fire

1994

Lydia: Affection is one thing - licking each other in public is another matter.

Lydia: Why is it you think sex is the answer to all your personal problems?

Cal: What if we tied them up and had our way with them?

Cal: Did you ever hold a gun to someone's head while they were having sex?

Gwen: When it comes to sex, I say nothing is wrong.

Barry: A toast to unbridled passion!

Barry: Whoops! Gwen's strap broke!

Barry: Say you like it!

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Night Gallery

1970

Rod Serling: Good evening, and welcome to a private showing of three paintings, displayed here for the first time. Each is a collectors' item in its own way - not because of any special artistic quality, but because each captures on a canvas, and suspends in time and space, a frozen moment of a nightmare.

Rod Serling: For those of you who've never met me, you might call me the under-nourished Alfred Hitchcock.

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Nighty Night

2004

(repeated line) Jill Tyrrell: Hiya, Don!

(repeated line) Jill Tyrrell: We'll settle up later. Otherwise it just gets nasty.

Jill Tyrrell: How's Gordon? Sue Forks: He's dead, Jill. Jill Tyrrell: I know.

Jill Tyrrell: Why does everything happen to *me*! Terry Tyrrell: Look, love, it'll be okay. It's not really that bad. It's *me* who's got the cancer.

(repeated line) Jill Tyrrell: Hi, Sue. How's you?

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Nikita

1990

Marco: You know this could dangerous. Nikita: What's the worst that could happen? Marco: Leftovers?

Nikita: Why ain't my mother here?

Nikita: Mister, is this heaven here or not?

Amande: Let your pleasure be your guide.

Marco: Stop before it's too late.

Amande: There are two things that are infinite: femininity and means to take advantage of it.

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Nine 1/2 Weeks

1986

Elizabeth: How did you know? How did you know I'd respond to you the way I have? John: I saw myself in you.

John: You work and you work and you work. You meet with people you don't like, that you don't know, that you don't even want to know. And you try to sell them things and they try to sell you things, you go home, you listen to the wife nag and the kids bitch. You turn off the T.V., you wake up the next day and you do it all over again. But I'll tell you, the only thing that keeps me going is this chick. I've got this incredible chick on the side you see, and she is so hot, I can hardly believe it. She's got one of those heart-shaped asses. Have you ever had a chick with a heart-shaped ass?

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Non ci resta che piangere

1985

Mario: (moaning) Saverio... (mumbles) Saverio: I don't understand! Mario: (moaning) Saverio... Saverio: Yes! OK! I'M Saverio!

(last lines) Saverio: Look! A train! I told you we would return to the present! Mario: I'm not marrying Gabriellina! Saverio: Oh yes you are! Leonardo da Vinci: Engineers! TRAIN! Mario, Saverio: Please... NO! Leonardo da Vinci: For God's sake! 33%... 33%... and 33%... (cut to a shot of the train and freeze as the film ends)

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Normal Life

1996

Chris: I Can't on sunday, Mike. Mike: We never see you anymore. What is it with you two? Still in your honeymoon? Too fucking busy, or too busy fucking?

Eva: Something wrong? Pam: Yeah, I guess. Chris's dad died. Eva: Oh, gee, Pam. I'm sorry. Pam: Why? Did you kill him?

(last lines) Chris Anderson: Pam!

FBI Agent: Come out with your hands on your head. You've got ten seconds. Pam: Enough time to create a universe.

(first lines) Chris Anderson: Lock and load. You ready? (Pam nods) Chris Anderson: Time to go.

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North Country

2005

Glory: (notices Josey's wedding ring) Married? Who's the lucky? Josey Aimes: (looks distressed, licks her finger and starts to remove the ring) Glory: Who's the unlucky? Josey Aimes: Me, I guess.

Bill White: (looking at the copious amount of stuffed deer and elk head mounted on the walls of the bar) What is this? A pet cemetery? Kyle: You got a lot of pet elk in your house?

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North Shore

1987

Turtle: Stay loose, haole. Rick: What's a haole? Turtle: A tourist, a mainlander, like you. Rick: I'm not a tourist. Turtle: Whatever, Barney. Rick: What's a Barney? Turtle: It's like Barno... Barnyard... a haole to the max, a kook in and out of the water. Yeah?

Rick: So this is where you work Turtle? Turtle: Only when da surf's bad, Barney. Cause' when da surf's good, nobody works!

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North to Alaska

1960

Sam McCord: George, a wonderful thing about Alaska is that matrimony hasn't hit up here yet. Let's keep it a free country!

Sam McCord: Aw, women. I never met one yet that was half as reliable as a horse.

Sam McCord: Women. Peculiar.

Sam McCord: You even sound like a wife. Michelle: I do not consider that a compliment. Sam McCord: I'm on your side, lady. It's my only politics... anti-wife. Any woman who devotes herself to making one man miserable instead of a lot of men happy don't get my vote.

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Not Another Eurovision Song Contest

2002 (TV)

Angus Deayton: Tonight we bring you a celebration of that annual schlok-fest, that apparently everyone loves yet at the same time never quite manages to stay awake through.

Angus Deayton: In recent years, Eurovision has alternately been hailed as a cool post-modern joke or dismissed as a tired old irrelevance, though its fans are keen to point out that we have it to thank for bringing us Abba. This of course is a bit like thanking Chernobyl for discovering Greenpeace.

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Number Seventeen

1932

(Ben is asked his name after having tried to leave the scene several times) Fordyce/Barton: Ben what? Ben: Well, if it wasn't for you, Guv'nor, it'd be Ben Bolt.

(last lines) Ben: Will you see me safely home, guv'nor, if I gives you a nice wedding present, eh?

Rose Ackroyd: It's like the pictures, isn't it? Fordyce/Barton: Too much for my liking.

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Nuremberg

2000 (mini)

Lt Tex Wheelis: Rough day, Reichsmarschall? Reichsmarschall Hermann Wilhelm Gring: On the contrary. We had an excellent lunch, a nice view of the city, and in the courtroom we had the best seats in the house.

Reichsmarschall Hermann Wilhelm Gring: I say to you all that I would rather die than say we were wrong!

Albert Speer: Nazi Germany was built on empty platitudes.

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O Lucky Man!

1973

Mrs Rowe: The future is in your hands, Mr Travis. Take it... now!

Crowd: (referring to an on-stage sex-act performance) Chocolate sandwich! Chocolate sandwich! Chocolate sandwich! Chocolate sandwich!

Monty: Beware of Mrs Ball's treacle tart. There is many-a-fly that got stuck in that!

Film director: Smile! Michael Arnold Travis: For what? There's nothing to smile about! Film director: You don't have to have a reason. Just do it. Michael Arnold Travis: But there's nothing to smile about.

Michael Arnold Travis: Would you like some soup, sir? Homeless person: No thanks, son. I don't take solids.

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Oblivion

1994

Zack Stone: I don't want to hurt anyone. But unfortunately you happen to be standing right where my gun's about to go off.

Doc Valentine: Jim, beam me up!

Redeye: We all know what gutless cowards humans are, don't you?

Stell Barr: We can't simply shoot everyone!

Doc Valentine: I want booze! Now!

Zack Stone: This world dries up your soul.

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Ocean Girl

1994

Agent Jake Shelby: Today! Not yesterday, not tomorrow! Not when the full moon kisses the Sphinx's ear but right now!

Agent Elly Hauser: We've never been this close before. We cannot let her slip through our fingers. Richter: On the contrary... you seem to be very good at that.

(Jason and Neri entering the lift) H.E.L.E.N.: Hello, Neri. (laughing) Neri who is not here. Jason Bates: Just take us to gamma level, H.E.L.E.N. H.E.L.E.N.: Yes, Jason. As programmed, during the transit of Neri, who does not exist, no stops will be made and no other personnel will be admitted.

Zoe: There must be some way we can find Neri's sister. Brett Bates: Maybe we could put an ad in the paper under "missing persons". Vanessa: Yeah. "Wanted: girl who fell to earth in space-pod." Great.

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Of Mice and Men

1939

Lennie: I don't need no fancy foods like beans with ketchup!

George Milton: You had a cigarette and a drink and a look at a pretty dress, and it cost you fifteen bucks! You just shot a week's pay to walk on that red carpet! Candy: A week's pay? Sure, but I worked weeks all my life. I don't remember none of them weeks, but this - nearly twenty years ago - I remember that.

Lennie: I wish we had some ketchup. George: Whatever we ain't got, that's what you want!

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gat

1998

Fredrik Wall: It's got to be the first time somebody smuggle alcohol FROM Sweden.

Criminal inspector: How can you take somebody's life who already comitted suicide?

Catti: Am I just a bimbo to you who can cook and fuck?! Fredrik: Can you talk a little bit louder, I don't think the whole neighborhood heard. Catti: (screaming very loud) AM I JUST A BIMBO TO YOU WHO CAN COOK AND FUCK?!

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Oh! Super Milk-Chan

1998

(repeated line) Milk-chan: You dumbass!

Dr Eyepatch: In the end, humans are just sacks filled with blood.

Dr Eyepatch: Hello and good welcome from the world of television. Forgive my rather unorthodox appearance, but allow me to introduce myself, I'm Dr Eyepatch!

Milk-chan: (after losing in a dating sim game) aw man! I can't bag anybody Tetsuko: Put this game away right now! It's disgusting! Milk-chan: Shut up, fatass! I'll get one of these bitches to date me Tetsuko: When you bought this, you told me it was an educational game!

Milk-chan: (on phone) Yo! I'm Goku! Ka-me-ha-me-ha?

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O.J. Simpson: Juice on the Loose

1974

Howard Cosell: (O.J has) an uncanny instinct for sensing when to make the move, when to make the cut. He can kill you with a headfake, he can kill you with the swiftness of his legs and the ability to be in a direction at any single second. He also kills you with his variation of speed.

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Oklahoma Crude

1973

Mason: You don't like men much, do you? Lena: No. Mason: Maybe you're the kind who prefers women. Lena: No. Women are even worse; they try to be like men, but they can't cut it. I'd like to be a member of a third sex. Mason: Third sex? Mmm-hmmm. Well, which article would you have - the one that goes in, or the one that goes out? Lena: Both. Mason: Well, which one would you favor? Lena: Both. If I had both sex organs, I could just screw myself, couldn't I? Well, couldn't I? (Mason gets up to leave the shack) Lena: Aren't you going to finish your soup?

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On the Edge

2001/I

Jonathan: I know more about the business of suicide in my baby finger, than you do in all your years of training and Freud reading. I gurran-fuckin'-tee ya that.

Jonathan: See, Dr Figure was a no-medication type of guy and all the hard core suicidals in his group - now including myself - had agreed not to kill or harm themselves before January 1st. I mean, can you imagine someone dead, hanging from the light fixture in their room, thinking, If my doctor finds out about this, I'm FUCKED."

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On the Up

1990

(Tony has become a member of the local golf club) Sam: Savour the moment. Ponciest golf club for miles around, and you're in!

(Mrs Wembley pours herself a glass of sherry) Mrs Fiona Wembley: Just the one! Tony Carpenter: Just the one, Mrs Wembley.

Mrs Fiona Wembley: I've had a thought. Sam: Just the one?

(Ruth believes Tony has spent the night with Dawn) Ruth Carpenter: Maggie, where did that little tart sleep last night? Maggie: There aren't any little tarts in this house! Tony Carpenter: Just tell her, Maggie. Maggie: Very well. Dawn slept in the spare bedroom. Ruth Carpenter: And stayed there all night? Maggie: Well, she must have done because she didn't wake Tony and me.

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Once a Thief

1996 (TV)

(A gun is pointed at Li Ann) Li Ann: Tell him to put it away or I'll make him swallow it. Mac: I've seen her like this, you're gonna swallow it!

Mac: Oh tell me you're not the doctor. The Director: Worse. I'm The Director.

Mac: Yeah, people call me Mac. The Director: People will call you DEAD if you interrupt me again

Mac: Now my life is run by a twisted leather freak! The Director: Twisted? Yes. Freak? That's a little strong.

Victor: Are you sure you know what you're doing? Mac: I've seen it in a movie once.

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Once Around

1991

Renata Bella: He says I'm not intellectual. Joe Bella: Who gives a shit!

Joe Bella: Get rid of the beard. You look like a goddamn terrorist.

Joe Bella: Isn't it funny - on the one lousy day you wanna put a gun in your mouth, everybody wants to come over to celebrate.

Jan Bella: For chrissakes - he puts money in women's breasts!

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Once Upon a Time in the Midlands

2002

Dek: Please don't do anything sexual.

Charlie: (after an altercation between Jimmy and Dek) Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, there's been a bit of an incident. It appears that someone's been given the correct change by one of the barmaids.

Charlie: My wife and I had an argument over whether or not I should have a vasectomy so we said we'd let the kids decide. I lost 13 - 12.

Dek: (a car is nicknamed "Baby") I've killed Baby.

Carol: Do you want to watch "Weakest Link"?

Dek: You've never been in a serious car wreck. Donna: Neither have you. Dek: I had a car door this close, this close to my eye. It was a near death experience.

Billy: Are you taking a piss at me?

Marlene: Baby's back.

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One Dark Night

1983

Carol: You know, I oughta pull over right now and let you out! Leslie: Yeah, why don't you? Carol: Kitty, open the door and let this turkey out! Leslie: So what, you're really gonna let me out here, huh? Carol: You named it, you claimed it!

Steve: Well you're gonna show me where it is. Leslie: No! No way! I'm not going in that place! If you wanna go, you go, Hugo!

Kitty: Let's book up! Leslie: What's the big rush? Carol: I wanna get there before it closes, nerdle brain! Leslie: Nerdle brain; very nice.

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One Hour with You

1932

Dr Andre Bertier: Madame! You may think I'm a coward. I am!

Professor Olivier: When I married her, she was a brunette. Now you can't believe anything she says.

Professor Olivier: In Switzerland they have a very peculiar law. When a husband shoots his wife, they put him in jail.

Adolph: You have a right to be wrong. You're a woman. Women are born to be wrong. I like my women wrong!

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One Point O

2004

Derrick: Smartcouch. It's nanotech. It's a fantastic piece of furniture, Simon. And it cleans itself.

Simon J: I'm full of bugs. I'm full of mistakes. Trish: Ssshhh. Life is full of mistakes.

Adam: There are changes happening, not all of them good.

The Neighbour: I drink... (different voice) Cola 500. Simon J: Fine.

Howard: The bad people can save you but they won't. The good people wanna save you but they can't.

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Only the Strong

1993

Donovan: Uh... Mr Stevens, are you so sure this is the place? I mean maybe it's just me, but you can't see shit out here. Ya know?

Louis Stevens: I've got major news for you. The world can be as big as you want it to be, or as small as your tiny little hood.

Louis Stevens: Can you turn that music... up?

Silverio: Hey look at this, the childrens are back from the playGROUUUUUUUND.

Louis Stevens: First of all I ain't a teacher. Second I'm in a real shitty mood. And third no law says I can't make it my business. So let the kid go.

Louis Stevens: Do you mind? Donovan: No

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Opportunity Knocks

1990/I

Eddie Farrell: As Prometheus said to the Athenians, "I need another beer".

Eddie Farrell: Malkin Blowers are #1!

Eddie Farrell: You do not talk when I am talking.

Milt Malkin: Someone aught to tell him what that means in American.

Pinkie Morino: That was lucky. I don't pay lucky.

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Orange Barrels from the Phobosphere

2003

Hickory Legroast: (regarding a book Donna is studying) "Easy French Reader", huh? I have a companion volume in my library- "Easy French Women"- HA!

Professor Gutenschlut: (regarding the origin of the Orange Barrels) I'm talking about another dimension entirely. Hickory Legroast: Oh, okay- another dimension. Like, for example, Bizarro was from another dimention. Professor Gutenschlut: That is incorrect! Bizzaro was merely from another planet. Mr Mxyzptlk on the other hand, now HE was from another dimension.

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