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Best Seller

1987

Dennis Meechum: Who fucked it up? Roberta Gillian: Nobody fucked it up, Mr Meechum. Just don't expect Hollywood to bail you out.

Cleve: (as he menaces Roberta Gillian with a knife) Am I sympathetic? Will they like me? Please don't lie to me! Is it an important book?

Cleve: Needs an ending.

Cleve: Anybody can kill anybody, even the President, remember?

David Madlock: (Lt Meechum is admiring his collection) First editions, every one of them.

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Home Fries

1998

(Instructing Sally to give birth) Childbirth Instructor: You didn't get pregnant with your legs closed!

Sally: I've always dreamed of being a big hit singer. Dorian: Oh, can you sing? Sally: No, that's why they call them dreams.

Dorian: I'd like to be the father-to-be. Sally: You can't be the father and the brother! That's the kind of thing that messes kids up!

Angus: Mom, what'd you mean when you said Dorian was your favorite? Mrs Lever: Oh, Angus, I love you both. (Holds thumb and forefinger an inch apart) It's a difference of *this* much.

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House Calls

1978

Ann Atkinson: You broke my heart! Dr Charley Nichols: Don't worry, I'm a doctor, I can fix it.

Dr Solomon: Do you know what he calls you? Dr Willoughby: Yeah. The Old Fart. Dr Solomon: No sir... He calls you... Golden Hands Willoughby! Dr Willoughby: Golden Hands. Silverman, you're a goddamned liar.

Dr Willoughby: It has often been said that great men aren't appreciated until they die. Well, you're dead and we appreciate it.

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A House in the Hills

1993

Ronald: It is the flower that most resembles the open lips of the vagina. What do you think? Alex Weaver: I don't know. You've probably seen more of them than I have.

Alex Weaver: Please, I need to go to the bathroom. Mickey: Gee, I dunno. What've you done for me lately? Alex Weaver: Please I need to pee, what do you want, me to go on the floor? Mickey: That ain't my carpet.

Alex Weaver: I am an actress! I am a flat-chested, low-paid actress! I am a small-chested, well paid "working" actress! I am an actress! I am an actress! I am an actress! I am NOT a waitress! I am an actress!

Alex Weaver: I am not the woman you think I am!

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House of Games

1987

Mike: I'm from the United States of kiss-my-ass.

Mike: Oh, you're a bad pony. And I'm not gonna bet on you.

Mike: What I'm talking about comes down to a more basic philosophial principle: Don't trust nobody.

Mike: You can't bluff someone who's not paying attention.

Prison Ward Patient (Karen Kohlhaas) : Y'know, I know there are people who are normal. Dr Margaret Ford (Lindsay Crouse) : Are there? Patient: Yes, there are. But... Margaret Ford: But what? Patient: But I don't know what those people do.

Mike (Joe Mantegna) : You're not miffed at us, are ya?

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House Party 3

1994

Uncle Vester: Boy, just be yourself. If people don't like you for being yourself... FUCK 'EM! Let me tell you something. I scored with a girl when I was about your age. I try to please her peppa all the time; wen' out my *way* to please her peppa. I came in one day, I said, "Nice weather we having." He said, "You can't say that. You can't say that; it might rain." I said, "Nice tie you got on." "You can't say that; wife try to choke me with it." Point I'm trying to tell you, son, is be yourself. People who don't like ya for being yourself... FUCK 'EM! FUCK 'EM against the wall, with handcuffs on and crises on their lips!

Butcher: First of all, you need to calm the fuck down and go gargle funky.

Stinky: Stinky man ,my name's Stinky.

Showboat: It's 2 o'clock. Do you know where your testicles are?

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Howling VI: The Freaks

1991 (V)

R.B Harker: You're the worst kind of freak, one who tries to control it.

R.B Harker: Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to meet the devil!

(as The Alligator Boy) Winston: But I don't wanna look like this!

(Ian, a werewolf, is exhibited as part of a freak show) Ian: You see, Sheriff, I'm the new entertainment.

Dewey: Satan's work shall not go unpunished!

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I Gonna Fuck You Back to the Stoneage

1989

Michael Jordan: You can't do this to me! You can't do this to me! I will fuck you- Nike marketing exec: Sir, please calm down. Michael Jordan: I will fuck you back to the fucking stone age! I will fuck you back to the stone age! Nike marketing exec: Sounds like somebody didn't get his latte this morning...

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I Got Five on It

2005 (V)

Oscar: So whatsup, Barney? I know you got some good shit for me, right? Barney Bumble: You know it Rob: Well..? Barney Bumble: Well..? Rob: What the fuck you waitin' for? Barney Bumble: What the fuck you think I'm waitin' for? Where's the Scrizzach, Bizzach?

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I Love the '70s

2003 (mini)

Joel Stein: (On "Land of the Lost") Steven Spielberg really ripped them off with "Jurassic Park."

Hal Sparks: My pet rock attacked my little brother, and we had it euthanized.

Kermit the Frog: (on streaking) I don't see what the big deal is. I'm naked right now. I guess when you're human you have more parts to flop around.

Michael Ian Black: "Young Frankenstein" is the funniest black-and-white movie ever, even funnier than "Schindler's List."

Hal Sparks: James Bond had to get with the sistas to compete for that Shaft dolla.

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I Love to Singa

1936

Owl Jolson: I love to singa / About the moon-a and the June-a and the spring-a / I love to singa / About a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a / Anything with a swinga to an I love you-a / I love to, I love to sing.

Father: Enough is too much! Out of my house, you hotcha! You crooner! You falsetto! You jazz singer! You... you... you... (Closes door; then opens it again) Phooey!

Radio: Calling all cars. Calling all cars. Report to your stations for further instructions. That is all. Mother: I wonder if they found my little boy? Radio: No we didn't, lady.

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Identity Crisis

1989

Yves: (waking up in Chilly D's body) Aaah! I'm black! She's black! He's black! We're all black!

The Inspector: Fuck a duck!

The Inspector: Fuck a duck. Inspector's Wife: Quack quack.

Yves: Okay... I can do this... I can be a black man. I knew the Jackson 5... I knew Elvis... Sebastian: Elvis was white, Dad. Yves: Yes, but he had very dark hair.

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If Lucy Fell

1996

Lucy Ackerman: I'd like to get her in therapy, fuck her up real good.

Al: I'm proud of you Joe. Joe MacGonaughgill: Why? Al: You finally figured out the girl in your heart isn't the girl in your dreams. Some people don't figure it out all their lives.

Lucy Ackerman: You know, I sort of like this dating thing, I'm sort of getting the things here. What I do is, sit back and watch as these strange men try to impress you in weird and stupid ways and then... and then you pick the least disgusting one, I guess.

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I'm Nobody's Sweetheart Now

1940

(Trying to elope, Andy and Trudy run afoul of the Justice-of-the-Peace's wife) Andy Manson: Can you get the Justice to marry us? Mrs Thriffie: Oh, all right... but just this once.

(Trudy delays the wedding over concerns of Andy's financial security) Mrs Thriffie: You take much longer, and he'll give you social security.

Mrs Lowell: I did so want to be Mrs Governor!

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I'm Not Rappaport

1996

Nat: Who needs sight; we have vision.

Clara Gelber: Everybody else got a two wheeler when they turned ten, I got a paperback copy of Das Kapital.

Nat: One more word, and I'll make a citizen's arrest for crimes against the language.

Danforth: Truth is I hate running. Being immortal takes too much time.

Midge: Lord, I asked for help, and you send me a weird Commie blind man.

Nat: It's the system. Two years old, you stand up. Seventy years later, you fall down again.

Nat: I was one person for the first eighty years. Why not a hundred for the next five?

Nat: Lies, not lies - alternatives. Sometimes the truth doesn't quite fit.

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I'm with Lucy

2002

Barry: Although technically we wouldn't be jumping into bed since you don't have any furniture. Lucy: (singing) This much is tru-oo...

Lucy: What if I spied on you when you were going to the bathroom? Gabriel: You would be rewarded. I look good when I pee.

Barry: Okay. Let's start this thing over. Lucy: Fine. Hi Barry, its nice to meet you. I don't have a refrigerator.

Lucy: I'm lapsing! I'm lapsing into a coma!

Barry: I went to a three day tax seminar and I thought about you then. Lucy: You did? Barry: Yeah. Well, taxes are in April and my sisters birthday is in april. She married a veterinarian. That always makes me think of the time we went to the zoo and fooled around by the polar bear tank.

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Imitation of Life

1934

Jessie Pullman, Age 18: After all, what's the good of algebra and all that stuff to a girl?

Delilah Johnson: What's my baby want? Peola Johnson, Age 19: I want to be white, like I look. Delilah Johnson: Peola! Peola Johnson, Age 19: (gesturing to mirror) Look at me. Am I not white? Isn't that a white girl?

Delilah Johnson: (to Peola) Bow your head! You got to learn to take it!

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Improper Conduct

1994

Michael Miller: Ashley, what makes you such a tease?

Frost: My son-in-law is a churchgoing man.

Defense Attorney: Do you engage in sex in public places with ALL your friends?

Emily: You should be ashamed!

Emily: You will NEVER see the baby!

Kurtis: He's gonna hurt somebody else, isn't he?

Jo Ann: You promised me that assistant position if I testified on your behalf!

Sam: If you think what this guy's about is sex, you're wrong. His game is power - power over women!

Kay: I'm doing what I have to do.

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In Love and War

1996

Henry: Do you love him? Agnes: Yes. Henry: Have you told him? Agnes: Yes, but I don't think he heard me.

Ernest Hemingway: You love me, you just don't know it yet.

Henry Villard: Older people start aging backwards at some point.

Jimmy McBride: I always play the hand I'm dealt.

Ernest Hemingway: It won't work. Take a look. He's ancient. He must be close to 40.

Agnes von Kurowsky: You know what I've been told? Italian men respect their wives. They spoil their mistresses. But the only women they love are their mothers.

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In the Line of Duty: Blaze of Glory

1997 (TV)

Jill Erickson: I want to have three kids right away. Jeff Erickson: Three kids, right away? Jill Erickson: Yeah. See, I have this theory that you need three kids to have a real family. That way the kids outnumber the parents. Jeff Erickson: That sounds dangerous. Jill Erickson: It is dangerous. When the kids outnumber the parents, that's when you find out what you're really made of.

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In the Realms of the Unreal

2004

(last lines) (end title cards) Title Card: After Darger's death in 1973, the Lerners decided to share their discovery of his work, preserving his room and its contents. Title Card: Since then, Henry Darger's work has been exhibited and collected worldwide. His art has inspired the creation of paintings, poetry, music, and works in theatre, dance, and opera. Title Card: The room was dismantled in 2000.

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Indi

2004

Jack: Now, I'm going to teach you how it's done. You listening? It's very important. You have to listen to me and I'll explain how it's done, alright? And you'll always remember, for the rest of your life...

Helen's friend: (to Helen) Where's Indi? (Helen looks at Joel) Joel: Didn't she want to go to the pool? (Helen looks aghast. The Neighbour stares open-mouthed through the flowers on the kitchen bench. The atmosphere is grim) Helen: (Holding up her keys) I've got the Tarago!

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Indian Territory

1950

(Shadrach Jones has lost the trail of the Indians he was tracking.) Gene Autry: I thought you were an old Indian scout! Shadrach Jones: Yeah, but these aren't old Indians we're scoutin'.

(Gene Autry tends to Shadrach's head wound) Shadrach Jones: Bad? Gene Autry: Not very. Shadrach Jones: Which side? Gene Autry: Left. Shadrach Jones: Good. I've always had a cowlick on that side. Maybe this'll cover it.

(Shadrach Jones has just lost all his money gambling.) Gene Autry: Do you know what a fool looks like? Shadrach Jones: I certainly do. I can see myself in the lookin' glass, can't I?

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Indio Black, sai che ti dico: Sei un gran figlio di...

1971

Escudo: Ah, poor Ballantine, who died in the moment of our triumph. So artistic! So generous! And the most honest of us all. I weep for him! May his good soul go to heaven and then be greeted by our Lord above. Wait! This now means there's only four of us! So we divide his share between us, huh?

Colonel Skimmel: The worst kind of informer. For gold he would have betrayed his own mother... or us.

Major Metternich: I would not have given you the honor of being executed by a firing squad.

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Insomniac with Dave Attell

2001

Dave Attell: Man, you've gone from social drinker to alcoholic really quickly.

Dave Attell: If these walls could talk... you'd hear the sound of fat women saying, "Call me."

Dave Attell: Usually when you hear a laugh like that, it comes with a chainsaw.

(referring to a jack-o-lantern) Dave Attell: You know you're drunk if you try to fuck one of the holes.

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Intolerance: Love's Struggle Through the Ages

1916

Intertitle: Out of the cradle, endlessly rocking...

Intertitle: When women cease to attract men, they often turn to reform as a second option.

Catherine de Medici: Such a fine man, Admiral Coligny. If only he thought as we do. Admiral Coligny: Such a wonderful king. If only he thought as we do.

The Mountain Girl: But touch my skirt and I'll scratch your eyes out!

Prince Belshazzar: (to his princess beloved) The fragrant mystery of your body is greater than the mystery of life.

The Dear One: I'll walk like her and maybe everyone will like me too.

The Boy: Nothing doing on the good night stuff, I always go inside to see my girls.

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Iris

2001/I

Iris Murdoch: There is only one freedom of any importance, freedom of the mind.

Young Iris Murdoch: (to John) You know more about me than anyone. You are my world.

Iris Murdoch: I... wrote? John Bayley: Yes, my darling, clever cat! You wrote books. Iris Murdoch: Books... I wrote? John Bayley: You wrote novels. Wonderful novels. Iris Murdoch: I... wrote... John Bayley: Such things you wrote. Special things. Secret things.

Young John Bayley: I could get in trouble, having women in my room. Young Iris Murdoch: I wouldn't say you'd had me, just yet.

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Iron & Silk

1990

Mark: Am I ugly to you? With my big nose? Teacher Hei: No. Your face is just... very 3-dimensional.

Teacher Hei: When you have a visitor in China, at first you offer him tea and something to eat. Mark: Oh, sorry. Here you are. Teacher Hei: No, thanks. Mark: But you just said you wanted something to eat. Teacher Hei: No, I said you should offer me some. (Mark takes it away) Teacher Hei: What are you doing now? Mark: But you said you didn't want it! Teacher Hei: But you have to leave it here, that's habit.

Teacher Hei: You must master each stroke before you go on. Otherwise everything you do will be so-so. Teacher Mark: Tell me about it. Everything I touch turns to so-so.

Qingfu Pan: In martial arts, you hit with the eyes.

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Ishchite zhenshchinu

1982 (TV)

Alice: If I lie, I wish my tongue dries off. Detective: That's a great idea. About a tongue.

Alice: My internal voice tells me... Detective: What? You also have an internal voice?

Detective: You know, next dead body is going to be yours, and the killer is going to be me! Next time, when I need something to be announced to the whole city of Paris, I wont do it as I usually do - go to the tv and newspapers - I will simply share it with you as a secret.

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Isle of Forgotten Sins

1943

Marge Willison: Cut it! I said cut it or I'll throw you both out! If you want to maul each other, do it when there's no boat in port. Understand?

Marge Willison: Now remember, I want a lot of costumers around those roulette tables tonight. You girls didn't do so well last time. So keep the wheel spinning and the ivories rolling and remember - all rough stuff is taboo.

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Isn't She Great

2000

(About a necklace) Florence Maybelle: If a man ever bought that for me, not only would I have sex with him, but I would ENJOY it!

Jacqueline Susann: All I know about are people fucking their way to the movies, and popping pills and ending up in the gutter. All I know about are aging stars, hopeful whores, and cheap studs. All I know about are tits, ass, and the truth... and nobody writes books about that.

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It Always Rains on Sunday

1948

Joe: We don't cater to the criminal classes. Det-Sgt Fothergill: Turned over a new leaf? Joe: There's such a thing as a law of libel. Det-Sgt Fothergill: There's such a thing as ham, but there's none in this sandwich.

(Morry has just told off Sadie for buying retail.) Morry Hyams: Where are you going? Sadie Hyams: To get some fresh air. Don't worry, I'll get it wholesale.

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It Came From the Sky

1999 (TV)

Pepper Upper: Why would two men - who like each other - want to beat each other to a pulp? Alice Bridges: They can't have babies.

(about Andy's vegetable flavored drink) Donald Bridges: It tastes like shit!

(to his wife) Donald Bridges: Andy can do a lot more than you think he can.

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It! The Terror from Beyond Space

1958

Mary Royce: Every bone in his body must be broken. But I'm not sure that's what killed him.

Lt James Calder: Mars is almost as big as Texas, maybe it has monsters.

Col Van Heusen: There's only one kind of a monster that uses bullets.

Maj. John Purdue: It's got to kill us or starve and we've got to kill it or die.

Spokesman at Press Conference: Another name for "Mars" is "Death".

Col Edward Carruthers: What is the usual reason an intelligent creature'd kill us? Mary Royce: It's hungry?

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It Was a Short Summer, Charlie Brown

1969 (TV)

Lucy: Well, look here. A big yellow butterfly. It's unusual to see one of those at THIS time of year, unless of course, it flew up from Brazil. I'll bet that's it. They DO that sometimes, you know. They fly up from Brazil. Linus: That's no butterfly! That's a potato chip. Lucy: Well, I'll be. I wonder how a potato chip got all the way down here from Brazil!

Linus: It was a short summer, Charlie Brown. Charlie Brown: And it looks like it's gonna be a looong winter.

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It Was a Wonderful Life

1993

(last title card) (post-credits) Title Card: On November 7th, 1992 Lou took her own life.

(first lines) Title Card: Thousands of homeless people in the United States are hidden and go unrecognized as homeless. The majority of them are women. Title Card: This film is dedicated to the "Hidden Homeless" women who came forward to tell their stories and allowed us into their lives.

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It Was My Best Birthday Ever, Charlie Brown

1997 (TV)

Charlie Brown: How was the party, Sally? Sally: It was all right. Charlie Brown: Did the kid get some nice presents? Sally: What presents? Charlie Brown: Did he or she get some nice presents? Sally: What do you mean "he or she"? Charlie Brown: The birthday person. Was it a boy or a girl? Sally: Of course it was and besides I didn't even know where I was. Are you trying to tell me I was at somebody's birthday party? Charlie Brown: Well, did the kid like your present? Sally: I didn't give them any presents. Why are you supposed to bring presents? Charlie Brown: Well, you knew it was a birthday party, didn't you? Sally: After the cake, I knew it was a party.

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It

1927

(Betty Lou first lays eyes on Cyrus Waltham Jr) Betty Lou Spence: Sweet Santa Claus, give me *him*!

(On whether Betty Lou lacks "reserve.") Cyrus Waltham Jr.: Personally, I think she has plenty - in reserve!

Monty Montgomery: I feel so low, old chap, that I could get on stilts and walk under a daschund.

(about slapping Cyrus when he tried to kiss her) Betty Lou: I'm sorry, but a girl has to do that. You know how things are.

Betty Lou: So you're one of those Minute Men - the minute you meet a girl you think you can kiss her!

(Regarding Monty) Betty Lou: Him? He couldn't even give birth to a suspicion.

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It's... the Monty Python Story

1999 (TV)

Eric: Is Monty Python still alive? Well, technically, yes. He is on a wife support system in an old jokes' home in Surrey. When reached for tonight's tribute, he said, "Coo," then asked for a new bedpan. So the legendary wit has not gone with the passing of time... or his colon.

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Jack the Ripper

1959

Inspector O'Neill: Well, see for yourself. Look at this street. Before this ripper business started, you could hardly move along here. Stalls, barrel organs, people spilling out of the pubs, it was a happy place. Not particularly moral, but happy.

Dr Tranter: Cut deeply, John. That's the secret of surgery nowadays: cut deeply.

Sir David Rogers: And who might this be? Inspector O'Neill: Mr Lowry, sir. He's an American. Sir David Rogers: That would account for it.

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Jamaica Inn

1939

(the stagecoach passes the ominous Jamaica Inn) Coachman: That place - Jamaica Inn. It's got a bad name. It's not healthy, that's why. There's queer things goes on there. Coach Passenger: Eh? Coachman: *Queer* things. I once slept there and not a sheet was on my double bed.

(Sir Humphrey admires a figurine) Sir Humphrey Pengallan: What a rare beauty. Lady: But it's not alive! Sir Humphrey Pengallan: More alive than half the people here.

(one of the smugglers expresses his fear of death) Prisoner: I don't want to die! I don't want to die! Not yet. I'm only a boy. You can't hang me! You mustn't! You can't!

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Jaws: The Revenge

1987

Hoagie: I have an irresistible urge to kiss you, Ellen Brody. Ellen: Why? Hoagie: Because... it would not occur to you why.

Hoagie: (as the shark swims up to him) Oooh, shit.

Shark: RRRAAARRRRRRR!

Ellen Brody: Come and get me, you son of a bitch!

Michael Brody: (to torch-wielding welder wife Carla) I've always wanted to make love to an angry welder. I've dreamed of nothing else since I was a small boy.

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Jefferson in Paris

1995

Maria Cosway: That's how it is here. People play at love. It's not serious. It is different in Italy. There, we kill for it!

Thomas Jefferson: I kept having a debate between my head and my heart. Maria Cosway: Which in your case, the head always wins. Thomas Jefferson: Not this time. My poor head was simply whirled around by my unruly heart. Maria Cosway: Oh-dear-God. Thomas Jefferson: It kept telling me I love the lady and will continue to love her forever. If she were on one side of the globe and I on the other, I would pierce through the whole mass of the world to reach her.

Thomas Jefferson: Independence is not a toy for children to play with, but the privilege of a fully matured mind.

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Jerry and Tom

1998

Tom: Jerry, are you familiar with the expression "Curiosity strangled the cat"? Jerry: I always thought it was "Curiosity killed the cat". Tom: God lives in the details, Jerry.

Tom: Jerry, you're angry, and you're holding a power tool. This is not advisable. Says so right on the box: "Do not operate while under the influence of alcohol or while pissed off."

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Jesse

1998

(Silent John is drawing a picture to show Little John what sex is) Darren: Is that an arm? (Silent John shakes his head) Darren: A leg? (Shakes his head again and shows Darren the picture) Darren: You can't show him that!!!

Little John: Mom and Diego are doing sex aren't they? Darren: Do you know what sex is? Little John: My friend told me that it's when the woman crawls up into the man's butt and falls asleep Darren: Yep, yep that's exactly what it is. (Silent John taps him and shakes his head) Little John: It's not? Then what is it? (Silent John points to Darren to explain it) Darren: Oh, come on!

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Jesus Christ: Serial Rapist

2004 (V)

(first title card) Title Card: The schizo, believing that he was Jesus, killed a friend who was thought to be a reincarnation of Pilate. After the murder, "Pilate's" girlfriend showed up, and Jesus thought of better revenge.

(last title card) Title Card: The following video material was sent to television news programs, and it was promptly sent to the police. The videotapes were labeled "Gospels of Blood".

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Jimmy Kimmel Live

2003

Jimmy Kimmel: Didn't you get bit by a spider or something? Chester Bennington: Yes, I got bit on my ass by a spider. And I thought that I had cancer but... Jimmy Kimmel: ... it turns out you have super powers! Chester Bennington: It turns out now that I can climb buildings, and save people from criminal acts.

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Jing wu ying xiong

1994

Fumio Funakoshi: What fist is this? Chen Zhen: Don't ask, it's a good fist if it wins.

Fumio Funakoshi: What style is that? Chen Zhen: don't ask! if it works, it's a good one!

Chen Zhen: The object of matching is to beat down the opponent. Fumio Funakoshi: Wrong kid, the best way to beat the opponent is to use a gun.

Fumio Funakoshi: Why don't you show me what you've learned Chen Zhen: (Picks up rock and breaks it into pieces) It's about the energy. About focusing on a single point in time. Fumio Funakoshi: So, it's about energy. But tell me something, does a rock have as much energy as an opponent would? (Slices a leaf floating in air with hand) You need a more powerful stroke when you're fighting a human being. Chen Zhen: Let's see how I can put it into action.

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Joan of Arc

1999/I (TV)

Joan D'Arc: Why are you punishing me for talking to God?

Bishop Cauchon: As His Majesty's church-appointed spiritual advisor, I advise His Majesty not to take lightly the advice of his church-appointed spiritual advisor.

Bishop Cauchon: Poor, deluded Joan. She has no idea she has put a monster on the throne. Those are my last words as Your Majesty's spiritual advisor.

Joan D'Arc: Come out, that I might send you to hell!

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Johnny Jupiter

1953

Narrator: This is the story of Ernest P. Duckweather, who invented the strangest television in the world. On this set he could look through endless space, six hundred million miles away, to far-off Jupiter. In a Jupiterian television station he found three friends: Johnny Jupiter, a human, more or less; Major Domo, chief of the robots; and Reject, the factory-rejected robot who was able to appear and disappear at will. Soon Duckweather found that he could turn to the Jupiterians for help whenever he was in trouble.

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Jonathan Creek

1997

Madeline Magellan: Enough with the pedanticism and let us eat. Jonathan Creek: The word is pedantry.

(to Carla Borrega, having learned that her husband used to be married to a man) Jonathan Creek: I was just wondering what the technical term for that was - not so much "bigamy" as "bugger-me".

Jonathan Creek: (about Carla's Father) I just remember saying that I thought he was a bit of a prick... ly sort of gentleman.

(after Jonathan stops a criminal holding Maddy hostage by throwing a card at his face) Madeline Magellan: If you'd missed, he would have killed me! Jonathan Creek: I did miss. I was aiming for his balls.

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Jonathan Livingston Seagull

1973

Jonathan: I want to fly where no seagull has flow before. I want to know what there is to know about life!

Father, Mother: Son, this may not be the best life, but it's all we know. Jonathan: There's got to be more to life than fighting for fish heads!

(The Elder banishes Jonathan from the flock) The Elder: You are henceforth and forever outcast!

Jonathan: Listen, everybody! There's no limit to how high we can fly! We can dive for fish and never have to live on garbage again!

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Jonathan Winters: On the Ledge

1987 (TV)

(to a man wearing dark glasses and a fez) Himself, Others: Not only are you handicapped through blindness, but you're a shriner!

(to a passing military parade) Himself, Others: You gave your lives. How foolish! I kept mine!

Himself, Others: When you wear so many hats in society, you never know who you are. That's the beauty of it. Because once you find out who you are, you're screwed.

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Jubilee

1977

Angel: I was 15 before I realized I was dead.

Sphinx: I was 15 before I realized I was dead.

Crabs: And the world's your oyster, so swallow it.

Crabs: Why don't you take up embroidery, Bod?

(Bod picks up the phone) Crabs: Most people would hang up the phone, she's hanging on for dear life.

(Crabs and Happy Days on the bed, Mad distracts him) Crabs: Back to work, no team breaks.

Crabs: Leave the guy alone, he's better than a vibrator and he's bigger.

Crabs: I just love a man without its uniform.

Angel: You clammy slag! You sat on the KY with your fat arse!

Borgia Ginz: Without progress life would be unbearable. Progress has taken the place of happiness. (laughs) It's like pornography - better than the real thing.

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Judas Kiss

1998

Detective David Friedman: I understand that this isn't personal because you're not a person.

Sadie Hawkins: So fill me in. Dave Friedman: That remark could be misconstrued as sexual harassment, Agent Hawkins. Sadie Hawkins: Let's get it out of the way then: you've never worked under a female superior before. I got to where I am by pushing paper and playing nice - I've never actually fired a gun before, I'm only in this job to prove to my father I'm not a coward. I give decent head, so I got promoted before all the worthy candidates, all of them men, all of them equally gifted at fellatio but there was a gender quota to fill. I'm also stupid and idealistic; you are hard and cynical, and usually right. I am secretly in love with you but I have a hard time showing it. Did I skip anything? Dave Friedman: You're a better driver, but I'm too proud to admit it.

Dave Friedman: Well, fuck me sideways.

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Judgment

2001

Victoria Thorne: You know what they say: Good fruit can't fall from a bad tree. Mitch: Well, you better warn your kids.

(After cross-examining Macalousso) Victoria Thorne: This is a real god. A god of signs, and wonders. A god who loves humanity, doesn't think we're sinners, wants to teach us how to love each other, and take care of *this* world, *now*. This is Franco Macalousso, our bright and shining star. This is a god for today, and for the future.

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Judy Berlin

1999

Alice Gold: I wanted children and I gave birth to a viper.

David: I always wanted to make a documentary about this town... about... about the paperboys, and about... about the PTA ladies... but nothing sarcastic... nothing sarcastic.

David: It could just be about how it is... about what it looks like when nobody's looking.

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Jungfrukllan

1960

Mreta: If you always get your way, you'll please the devil so much that the saints will punish you with boils.

Beggar: See the smoke trembling under the roof as if with fright? Yet when it gets out in the air, it has the whole sky to swirl about in. But it doesn't know that, so it huddles and trembles in the soot under the roof. It's the same with people. They quiver like a leaf in the storm, afraid of what they know and what they don't know.

Tre: You see it, God, you see it. The innocent child's death and my revenge. You allowed it. I don't understand you. Yet now I beg your forgiveness. I know no other way to be reconciled with my own hands. I know no other way to live.

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Just Correct

2004 (TV)

Ralphie May: I live in a very dangerous part of Los Angeles. it's called Los Angeles.

Ralphie May: My neighborhood is so bad. This is how we have to order at the drive-thru if we wanna stay alive.. Ralphie May: Let me get a Jumbo Jizzack with cheese like a motha fucka! Ralphie May: Wanna give a shout-out to the Fry Guy, got much love fo' the Fry Guy. let me get a cold drank, need a cold drank. Ralphie May: And a chicken sandwich fo' my baby's momma cuz I'm a *hustla* baby!

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Kaante

2002

(in the police station) McQuarrie's partner: (in Hindi) Where were you last night? Ajju: (Looks at McQuarrie) With his wife.

Ajju: Why are you looking at each other like this?

Yashvardhan Rampal 'Major': (Speaking to Ajju) Who gave you the passport to come here.

Jay Rehan 'Ajju': (to Major in Hindi) Will you only bark or will you bite?

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