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The Last Waltz

1978

(Speaking about Ronnie Hawkins) Himself: He called me up, and I said, "Sure I'd like a job. What does it mean? What do I do?" And he said, "Well, son, you won't make much money, but you'll get more pussy than Frank Sinatra."

Neil Young: (walking on stage) Hey, Rob, thanks for letting me do this. Robbie Robertson: Shit! Are you kidding?

(singing) Eric Clapton: Further on up the road / Someone's gonna hurt you like you hurt me / Further on up the road / Someone's gonna hurt you like you hurt me / Further on up the road / Baby, just you wait and see.

(while performing his guitar solo, his guitar strap comes undone) Eric Clapton: Hold on.

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The Last Wave

1977

David Burton: What did I see? Chris Lee: A dream. David Burton: What are dreams? Chris Lee: Dream like hearing ... seeing ... talking ... the way of knowing things.

Chris Lee: Dream is a shadow ... of something real.

Chris Lee: (to David Burton) But you ... I think you may be mukuru. You different tribe ... from another world ... across the sea ... from sunrise.

David Burton: We've lost our dreams. Then they come back and we don't know what they mean.

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The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

2005

Craig Ferguson: (holding up a black and white headshot of a guest) He's in black and white here, but he'll be in color when he comes out.

Craig Ferguson: Big props to my homie Mos Def.

Craig Ferguson: Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.

Craig Ferguson: I can't live by your rules, man!

Craig Ferguson: (an e-mailer asked Craig why he doesn't grow a beard) I have a beard. Just not on my face...

Craig Ferguson: I only like sports that Bond villains played.

Craig Ferguson: (repeated line, at the start of the monologues) It is a great day for America, and I'll tell you why.

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The Late Show

1977

Laura Birdwell: I am going to be totally open and honest with you. I'm going to lay myself naked before you. I hope you can appreciate that. Margo Sperling: He'll try.

Margo Sperling: Boy, it's really lucky for you that I just happen to be a very self-destructive person.

Margo Sperling: (to Charles) This car is not only a toilet, but you are the attendant.

Ira: You were born dumb and you're gonna die dumb.

Ron Birdwell: Let's cut to the chase.

Ira: I'm not as young as I used to be.

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The Law and Jake Wade

1958

Peggy Carter: Your father was a preacher? Rennie: Kind of a phony evangelist. I tell ya, he was about the meanest man I've ever met in my life. He just naturally liked to beat up on anything that was smaller than him. And of course, he could always say he was beating the fear of God into ya. Peggy Carter: Well, where is he now? Rennie: Well, I, ah, well I hope I know where he is. He was the first man I ever killed.

Clint Hollister: Well, did you say a few words over the boys? Ortero: Yeah... good-bye. Clint Hollister: Very touching.

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The Law Commands

1937

Opening crawl: In 1862, the imminent passing of the Homestead Act, giving all Americans the right to acquire 160 acres of government land, started the tide of empire westward. The rich lands of Iowa beckoned, but no sooner had settlers planted their crops when ruthless land sharks made their appearance. Their terror was especially felt in Johnson County where cowardly night riders descended on the farmers and drove them from their lands.

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The Lawless Breed

1953

Capt W.H. McNally: John Wesley Hardin has made the name of Texas stick in the nostrils of justice.

John Clements: What are you doing on the trail? Trying to pick up a little stray business? Chick Noonan: I pick up business any place I can find it. Business was good in Abilene. I had a special embalming and burying job on the Durango Kid. And if I do say so myself, when he was laid out, his own wife didn't even know him. She thought he was a stranger asleep in the parlor.

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The Lawnmower Man

1992

Jobe Smith: You realize, Dr Angelo, that my intelligence has surpassed yours...

Jobe Smith: ... my birth cry will be the sound of every phone on this planet ringing in unison.

Jobe Smith: By the year 2001, there won't be a person on this planet who isn't hooked into it, and hooked into me.

Jobe Smith: I am god here!

Caroline Angelo: Falling, floating, and flying? So, what's next, fucking?

Dr Lawrence Angelo: ... so I'm taking my work underground. I can't let it fall into the wrong hands again.

Jobe Smith: What are you HIDING?

Jobe Smith: I saw God! I touched God!

Patrolman Cooley: Two bizarre murders in one night. (Shortly thereafter he sees Jobe staring at him) Patrolman Cooley: Two bizarre accidents in one night.

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The Leech Woman

1960

(Confronting his alcoholic wife) Dr Paul Talbot: It's interesting to watch a "bottle baby" defend her weakness. One thing I can say for you, your approach is always different. Today, it's complete submission. I can't even get a rise out of you. You know, I think I like you better when you're sloppy drunk and violent. That's the real you, and that's the one I like, the one that hates me and gives me a chance to hate back.

Old Malla: You will never escape me, you are the one in my dreams of blood!

Dr Paul Talbot: Well, that's a novelty -- you're refusing anything with alcohol in it! I'm not used to seeing you sober this time of day.

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The Legend of Dragoon

1999 (VG)

Lohan Merchant: Would you mind not talking to me? I am appraising some pigs now.

(repeated line) Melbu Frahma: How dare you!

Rose: Wake up! Dragoon of the Red Eyed Dragon!

Rose: When Dragoons meet, blood doth flow and as they leave, time doth slow.

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The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask

2000 (VG)

Tatl: Well you're just careless. You're like my partner.

Happy Mask Salesman: Believe in your strengths, believe.

Child on the Moon: It's a bright thing to be bright.

Moon: (possessed by Majora's Mask) I shall consume. Consume... consume everything...

Child on the Moon: The right thing.. what is it? I wonder, if you do the right thing, does it really make everyone happy?

Child on the Moon: Your true face... What kind of... face is it? I wonder... The face under the mask... Is that... your true face?

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The Letter

1940

Leslie: With all my heart, I still love the man I killed.

Robert Crosbie: If you love a person, you can forgive anything.

Robert Crosbie: I'll do whatever you think is right. Howard Joyce: I don't think it's right, but I think it's expedient. Juries can sometimes be very stupid, and it's just as well not to worry them with more evidence than they can conveniently deal with.

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The Life and Times of Juniper Lee

2005

(repeated line) Monroe: Oh, for pity's sake.

Juniper Lee: Tell Ray-Ray to shut up. Monroe: Can I bite him as well? It'd be a matter of personal pride to me.

Jodi: (Jodi is possessed by a Viking spirit) Give me the medallion, you milk-livered runt! Juniper Lee: Runt?! I got two inches on you.

Juniper Lee: You play bass, Dennis. It's a miracle anyone even notices you.

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The Life of Larry

1995

(to camera) Seth MacFarlane: Oh. Hello. You scared the crap out of me.

Larry Cummings: (discussing William Shatner in Star Trek) I think what happens is that he, uh... eats his food, and whatever Spock can't finish, he eats that too. Steve: Wh.. where did you... where did you hear that? Larry Cummings: Episode 65. Steve: Ah. Steve: (pauses) Fucking fat-ass is what he is.

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The Little Drummer Girl

1984

Charlie: Why don't you leave the poor Arabs alone? Why don't you give them back the land you stole from them?

Marty Kurtz: Where would you have us go Charlie? Maybe you would prefer us to take a piece of Central Africa or Uruguay? Not Egypt, thank you, we tried that once and it was not a success. Or back to the ghettos?

Charlie: So I lied, that only makes us even. I don't see what it has to do with my politics. Joseph: Possibly they're as much a lie as your past.

Charlie: God damn it, I believe in things. I believe in helping end the suffering.

Joseph: What have you done really? Gotten yourself filmed in one demonstration or another in Trafalgar square? You even made the evening news when you sat on a road in front of a bus and read aloud from Che Guevara. Tell us what you've done besides talk. Not a thing.

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The Little Foxes

1941

Horace Giddens: Maybe it's easy for the dying to be honest. I'm sick of you, sick of this house, sick of my unhappy life with you. I'm sick of your brothers and their dirty tricks to make a dime. There must be better ways of getting rich than building sweatshops and pounding the bones of the town to make dividends for you to spend. You'll wreck the town, you and your brothers. You'll wreck the country, you and your kind, if they let you. But not me, I'll die my own way, and I'll do it without making the world worse. I leave that to you.

Regina Giddens: I hope you die!, I hope you die soon!, I'll be waiting for you to die!

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The Little Kidnappers

1990 (TV)

Davy: Granddaddy, can Harry and me have a dog? James MacKenzie: What use is a dog David, you cannot eat a dog.

Davy: Granddaddy, please don't eat it, it isn't fitting.

(Willem is dropping off Kirsten at her house) Kirsten MacKenzie: This is far enough, Willem? Do not let my father see. Willem Hooft: Well, if your father has any sense, he would've been asleep for hours. (helps Kirsten off the buggy) Willem Hooft: I can't let you go without telling you how much I enjoyed being with you tonight. Kirsten MacKenzie: I never knew dancing could be so wonderful. (they kiss)

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The Live Ghost

1934

Stanley: We heard the sea is infactuated with sharks. Oliver: Not infactuated. He means infuriated.

Captain: If anybody ever mentions the word "ghost" to me, I'm gonna twist his head around so that when he's walking north he'll be looking south.

(over "dead" body) Stanley: Do you think he's in heaven? Oliver: No. Most likely he's gone to the other place. Get some coal. We'll dump him overboard. Stanley: Do you gotta take your own coal with you when you go to the other place? Oliver: Certainly not. It's to weight the sack down so it'll sink.

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The Lobo Paramilitary Christmas Special

2002

Easter Bunny: I'm the fucking Easter Bunny!

(last lines) Lobo: Always did hate the holidays.

Lobo: Ho, ho, ho!

Security Elf #1: (just before dying) The Naughtiest One has come!

Lobo: It's payback time for a misarable childhood. Santa Claus: Well, now, this hardly seems fair. Lobo: It does if you're standing in my shoes. Santa Claus: Okay, if gunning down an unarmed and myhic system is the only way you know... Go away, shoot. Lobo: ... Okay. (cocks his gun)

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The Long Firm

2004 (TV)

Lord Teddy Thursby: Now look, Harry, you know I can't abide violence. I'm just no good at that sort of thing. Harry Starks: Good thing I'm an expert, then. Lord Teddy Thursby: I'm not hitting anyone, if that's what you're thinking. Harry Starks: I just want you to reassure him - talk to him, make him see the error of his ways. Then *I'll* hit him.

(to John Ogungbe, preparing to torture him) Harry Starks: Now I ain't gonna enjoy this any more than you, old son, but needs must, as they say. I want the truth, the whole truth - and by the time I've finished with you, by God I'll have it.

Lord Teddy Thursby: What kind of a scumbag do you think I am? Harry Starks: A LYING ONE!

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The Lord of the G-Strings: The Femaleship of the String

2002 (V)

Dildo Saggins: I don't know, Smirnof. I'm not noble... or pure. I've stuck up liquor stores. I piss in the shower!

Dildo Saggins: Actually, the Throbbits were trisexuals. They'd try anything, the horny little bastards!

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The Love Butcher

1975

(as one personality supplants the other) Lester: I shall go to her. Women love me, Caleb. I'm not like you. You're ugly. But I am handsome and delightful. She shall love me, Caleb, as much as she hated you. I am love, total love. I am Lester, and I am alive!

Lester: I'm going to awaken you from this earthly nightmare... awaken you to the sweet repose of death.

Lester: Your feminine pulchritude is detestable, and you were trying to drain the energy from me!

(awakened by rock music blaring on the radio) Carl: This is a hell of a way to wake up. A cacophony of horse manure.

(adopting a ridiculously overdone Mexican accent) Lester: Buenos noches. I'm Lester Hernandez.

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The Love God?

1969

Abner Audubon Peacock IV: B-But I wouldn't know the first thing about publishing filth. Shrader: You're young, you can learn!

Osborn Tremaine: When will the government stop interfering with private business?

Atty. Gen Frederick Snow: If you love your country, you'll publish a filthy magazine.

Atty. Gen Frederick Snow: Look at his body - thin, wasted away by the dissipation and debauchery of a life of unspeakable orgies and depravity!

Lisa LaMonica: Cool it, boys, I'm just slumming.

Lisa LaMonica: The public wants sex, sex and more sex!

Evelyn Tremaine: That's the dirtiest thing I ever heard in my life!

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The Love Letter

1999

Miss Constance Scattergoods: I do think, dear, that, whenever I get the urge to exercise, I lie down until it passes over.

Miss Constance Scattergoods: A thinning gene pool is a terrible thing to witness. Ah, civilization's crowning achievement: the cocktail hour.

Janet Hall: Daddy's gonna play with his fire hose. That didn't sound right.

Janet Hall: Okay, well, here are your books. Uh, the Complete Idiots Guide to Surviving Divorce, The Divorce Workbook, and of course, How Come nobody loves me?

Lillian MacFarquhar: So, there you are darling, Mommy's a dyke.

Lillian MacFarquhar: It's one of the ironies of my otherwise straight forward life that I have fallen in love twice. Both times with people who insist on living in this godforsaken town.

Janet Hall: (George is about to fumigate a beehive) *BE* careful! Get it?

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The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour

1957

Ricky Ricardo: I'm terrible at remembering names. Tallulah Bankhead: Oh, so am I. That's why I call everybody darling.

Lucy Ricardo: Let me get this straight, Ms Bankhead. Are you asking me to leave your home? Tallulah Bankhead: Throwing you out would be more accurate. Lucy Ricardo: Well, I have been thrown out of better places than this! Tallulah Bankhead: You have never been in better places than this!

Lucy Ricardo: But how's Ricky ever going to find out who took the pearls? Ethel Mertz: He'll ask me and I'll confess. Lucy Ricardo: Why? Ethel Mertz: Because while he's asking me, he'll have his fingers around my throat!

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The Luzhin Defence

2000

Aleksandr Ivanovich Luzhin: There's a pattern emerging, a definite pattern. Not Turati. I repeat that game. I've beaten him. And his moves are repeated, repeated, repeated moves. I must keep track... of every second. Every second I must keep track of, every second. Natalia Katkov: It sounds like such a lonely battle.

Vera: He's defiled you already, hasn't he? That's why you're rushing this ridiculous marriage. You're carrying his child.

Aleksandr Ivanovich Luzhin: As Pushkin's doomed duelist said, "Let's start if you're willing."

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The Mad Miss Manton

1938

Lt Mike Brent: Look, lady, it's been ten minutes since you called us. The murderer, that is if there is a murderer, could be in Brooklyn by now - that is, if anybody *wants* to be in in Brooklyn.

Melsa Manton: Helen, you search the upstairs. Helen Frayne: Oh, no! I was never much of an individualist. If the upstairs has to be searched, we'll search it together. Dora Fenton: Why, that's communism!

Dora Fenton: You know, psychiatrists say hate's just a step away from love. Helen Frayne: Yeah, but it's the lull in between that drives you crazy.

Peter Ames: (to Melsa) You're up to your beautiful hips in murder!

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The Magical Time Traveling Thugtastic Jug

2004

(Wynegar begins to drink out of jug) Arnold Schwarzenegger: (appears above Wynegar) Stop, what you doing? You can't use the jug to travel back in time, bubble wobbly! You have you use, you know, a time machine and get in a big metal bubble, then you get in the bubble and you're naked and you can't take things with you! Man, haven't you seen my new movie "Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines", available now on VHS and DVD, check your local video store. It shows you, that's how you travel through time, because I did it, and I'm bubbly wobbly, and you don't listen to me, obliterate you with guns, and the BULLETS!... yeah, that's about it. Wynegar Rodriguez: (Wynegar thinks about it) Wynegar Rodriguez: Fuck you, Arnold!

(last lines) Wynegar Rodriguez: Why, Jug?... WHY? Jug: 'cause you a bitch!

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The Major and the Minor

1942

Susan Applegate: You should be very glad I'm not 12. I was a very straightforward child. I used to spit.

Mr Osborne: Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

Mr Osborne: You know what I told the mayor? That my only regret is that I have but one wife to give to my country.

First Conductor: If you're Swedish, suppose you say something in Swedish. Susan Applegate: I vant to be alone.

Maj. Philip Kirby: You know Su-Su, you're a very peculiar child. Susan Applegate: You bet I am.

Cadet Clifford Osborne: Well, the bus is here. The zombies have arrived. Susan Applegate: Who? Cadet Clifford Osborne: (disdainfully) The girls from Miss Shackleford's school. Cadet Lt Miller: We use 'em for women.

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The Man from Elysian Fields

2001

Dena Tiller: What makes a man do what you do? Nigel Halsey: I think of our mission as a way of giving joy to others, my darling. Dena Tiller: Actually, I, um, I really need to know the truth. Nigel Halsey: Well, its simple. Fucking is the last resort for a man who feals impotent.

Luther Fox: I don't know why they call them outstanding checks... as if not being paid is somehow a good thing.

Tobias Alcott: Be careful of women who love you just the way you are - it's a sure sign they settle too easily.

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The Man in Half Moon Street

1945

Dr Kurt van Bruecken: We are not scientists anymore. We are murderers.

Eve Brandon: I'll share your madness because there's grandeur in it. And I have faith - and love.

(Kurt shows Julian a photograph of them as young men) Dr Kurt van Bruecken: We were young then. Julian Karell: I'm *still* young.

Eve Brandon: I'll always be with you. Dreams can't die -- or love.

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The Man in the Iron Mask

1939

D'Artagnan: How could your brother be such a monster?

D'Artagnan: You've suffered enough. You can be King, or you can be free. Which is it? Philippe: Take me to where the Crown of France is to be found.

Colbert: (after Fouquet has just killed someone) Where are you going? D'Artagnan: After a murderer!

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The Man in the White Suit

1951

Sidney Stratton: (seeing the assistant's pen) That's ingeneious. May I? Assistant: Of course. Sidney Stratton: (flicking the lighter on) I wonder, can you tell me what is the ratio of ink to petrol? Assistant: I don't know.

Daphne Birnley, Alan Birnley's daughter: Thank you Sidney. If you would've said "yes" I could've strangled you!

Sidney Stratton: We shouldn't have done that.

Sir John Kierlaw: Now. Some fool has invented an indestructible cloth. Where is he? How much does he want?

Mrs Watson, Sidney's landlady: Why can't you scientists leave things alone? What about my bit of washing when there's no washing to do?

Bertha, Birnley Mill worker: (describing Sidney) ... flotsam floating on the floodtide of profit.

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The Man on the Moon

1993

CAPTION: And with the holidays came memories of childhood. (Speaking to the camera.) Dejected husband: And... and when I was a kid I always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, always, alweez, alweezelweasel, weasel, weasel... When I was a kid I was such a fucking weasel and I nnhhh... (Bangs his head into the camera.)

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The Man Who Knew Too Little

1997

Wallace: Sorry I get a little bit insensitive, but I'm a hitman!

(Wallace is being shot at) Wallace: Time out! Time out! I got something in my eye, jagoff!

Lorelei 'Lori': What are you? C.I.A., Mafia? Wallace: Both.

Wallace: Blockbuster... DeMoines.

Wallace: Please don't call me by my real name, it destroys the reality I'm trying to create.

Lorelei 'Lori': Are you going to bring me that martini, or do I have to suck it out of the glass from here?

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The Man Who Saw Tomorrow

1981

Presenter: (following World War III) After a peace for a thousand years, Nostradamus tells us next to nothing. He does, however, tell us in what year the world will finally come to an end - the year 3797.

Presenter: (about the predictions of the future) But before continuing, let me warn you now that these predictions of the future are not at all comforting - and I might go on to add that these visions of the past, these warnings of the future, are not the opinions of the producers of this film. They're certainly not my opinions.

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The Mangler

1995

Sherry: Mr Gartley, do something! Bill Gartley: Do somethin'? (to Lin Sue) Bill Gartley: She wants me to do something! (to Sherry) Bill Gartley: I'll do somethin'! I'll do a little DANCE! That's what I'll do! I'll do a little jig for ya, Sherry!

(after seeing Mrs Frawley get crushed by the mangler) Bill Gartley: Ah, Frawley, you stupid old bitch. Always getting in the way. Goddamn it, goddamn it, goddamn it!

Mark Jackson: Have you considered the possibility that the machine may be haunted? Officer John Hunton: Oh yeah, Mark, that's the first thing that popped into my mind!

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The Mark of Zorro

1940

Don Luis B. Quintero: My dear Esteban is forever thrusting at this or at that. He was a fencing Master in Madrid. Don Diego Vega: Why did you give it up? Captain Esteban Pasquale: I had the misfortune to kill a man of influence. Don Luis B. Quintero: A lady was involved, I believe. Don Diego Vega: The gentleman's wife, no doubt? Captain Esteban Pasquale: Just how did you mean that, Seor? Don Diego Vega: I had hoped to be amusing... Have I failed? Captain Esteban Pasquale: Somewhat. With me.

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The Marshal's Daughter

1953

Sliding Billy Murray: And before I became an actor on the showboat, I used to drive a stagecoach. Miss Tiddlewell: You did? Sliding Billy Murray: Yeah, I drove a stagecoach without any wheels. Miss Tiddlewell: What held it up? Sliding Billy Murray: Bandits.

Sliding Billy Murray: Would you believe it - that every morning I brought my pretty teachers an apple. Miss Tiddlewell: Oh, teacher's pet! Sliding Billy Murray: One of them did.

Sliding Billy Murray: I want to tell you we're sure glad to be here. We had a rough trip. But we brought along the mail... and a couple of females, too.

Drunk: Hey, you, come here. Give me another drink before the fight starts. Bartender: Say, wait a minute. When is this fight gonna start? Drunk: When you find out I can't pay for the drinks!

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The Mask of Fu Manchu

1932

Nayland Smith: Will we ever understand these Eastern races?

Fu Manchu: I am a doctor of philosophy from Edinburgh, a doctor of law from Price College, a doctor of medicine from Harvard. My friends, out of courtesy, call me 'Doctor'.

Fah Lo See: (referring to Terrence Granville) He is not entirely unhandsome, is he, my father? Fu Manchu: For a white man, no.

Fah Lo See: The whip! The whip!

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The Men's Club

1986

(Cavanaugh is trying to get Phillip to go the men's group) Phillip: Only you could drag me to something like this. It's not so easy to get out of the house. Cavanaugh: You just open the door, and you're out!

(Solly is telling the men's group about he and his wife swapping partners) Solly: I said let's switch partners. It was my idea, right? Ok. We did it. It wasn't the first time. Only this time, she was moaning with love. Harold: Did it ruin your weekend? Solly: It was terrible, man. I lost my erection. (The group breaks out laughing) Solly: I left and my wife comes running after, 'Solly! Solly Berliner!' She said, it's not her fault. It was my idea. I hit her, I said, that's my idea too! (The group cracks up)

Cavanaugh: Go ahead. Pick up the phone. Make an ass of yourself. (In a mocking tone) Hello, Hannah! I got laid tonight. Is that ok with you, darling?

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The Mephisto Waltz

1971

(Myles is going to light a cigarette.) Duncan Ely: Oh, throw that disgusting cylinder away!

Myles Clarkson: We could use a new brand of Scotch. This tastes like a poor man's kilt.

(After smashing a headlight with a wrench.) Paula Clarkson: Oh, by the way, someone smashed one of the headlights. You shouldn't leave the Rolls out there in plain view. This neighborhood is full of rich teenaged bastards.

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The Mickey Mouse Club

1955

Mickey Mouse: Hi, Mouseketeers! Mouseketeers: Hi, Mickey! Mickey Mouse: Got big doings this week. Adventure, fun, music, cartoons, news. Everybody ready? Mouseketeers: Ready! Mickey Mouse: Then on with the show!

Mouseketeers: (singing) Now it's time to say good-bye to all our company, / M-I-C... Jimmie: See you real soon. Mouseketeers: K-E-Y... Jimmie: Why? Because we like you! Mouseketeers: M-O-U-S-E!

Jiminy Cricket: As I said to Pinocchio, "Pinoc, there are two ways to do anything - the right way and the wrong way. If you wanna be right, do things the right way, because if you do things the wrong way, that's the foolish way, and only fools do things the foolish way, which is the wrong way. Right?" Anyway, let me see? Where was I?

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The Milkman

1950

Breezy Albright: Something's happened to me. I can't getcha outta my mind. Ginger Burton: Well, calm down, I'm only a woman. Breezy Albright: Yet regardless of that fact, I still feel drawn to ya.

Ginger Burton: I guess my brain wasn't working. Breezy Albright: That's understandable, Ginger. After all, there's a law against child labor.

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The Million Pound Note

1953

Mr Reid: Now what about a cycling suit, Mr Adams ? Cycling is all the rage nowadays. And then of course there is Ascott. Henry Adams: I'm not gonna do any cycling and I'm not gonna do any Ascotting. Sailing is my hobby. Mr Reid: Ah ! The sport of kings. Very right and proper for a personage such as yourself. Henry Adams: I thought racing was the sport of kings ? Mr Reid: (unperturbed) Then it ought to be sailing ! (to his assistant) Take in the waist a bit.

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The Millionairess

1960

Dr Ahmed el Kabir: (sailing across the Thames to his surgery, noticing Epifania attempting suicide) Hello, good day for a swim! Epifania Parerga: I am not swimming, I am committing suicide Dr Ahmed el Kabir: Very good Epifania Parerga: You don't understand, I'm killing myself Dr Ahmed el Kabir: Well, it is our common destiny, good day

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The Milton Berle Show

1948

(Opening theme) Singers: Oh, we're the men of Texaco. / We work from Maine to Mexico. / There's nothing like this Texaco of ours; / Our show tonight is powerful, / We'll wow you with an hourful / of howls from a showerful / of stars; / We're the merry Texaco-men. / Tonight we may be showmen; / Tomorrow we'll be servicing / your cars."

Host: And now, ladies and gentlemen, as I look into your faces, and believe me, some of your faces need looking into...

(sleigh bells ring constantly in the background) Host: Christmas, when peace and good fellowship... thank you, tha-that's all, thank you... When peace and good fellowship... that's enough with the bells, thank you. It's over, thank you. Peace and good fellow... (whistle) Knock off. Peace and... OK. (gunshot)

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The Minus Man

1999

Vann Siegert: A spider crawled in my ear once, but then he crawled out because nobody was home.

Vann Siegert: Some people die in less than a minute, others it takes ten. I guess it's what they call metabolic. If it wasn't closed, I'd go to the library and get clear on this.

Vann Siegert: I feel like a light in the dark, they come to me like moths, because I shine.

Vann Siegert: I've never really cared for lakes. Ferrin: (laughing) You don't *care* for lakes? Why? Why do you not *care* for lakes? Vann Siegert: I don't know. Lakes are like... stepping into somebody else's underwear.

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The Model and the Marriage Broker

1951

Dan Chancellor: Beautiful up here, isn't it? Those trees. I've always liked that poem that said, "Only God can make a tree." Mae Swasey: Yeah, but on the other hand, you gotta figure, who else would take the time?

Kitty Bennett: Oh, I didn't realize - you've got people in there, haven't you? Mae Swasey: About 50-50.

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The Money $hot

2000

Chloe: (kneeling) You do realize that if you have a tiny dick, I *will* tell you. Parker Stewart: 'Hey, man, I gots to know.' Parker Stewart: You've never seen Dirty Harry, have you? Chloe: (unfastening Parker's belt) Try to focus.

Steven Feinberg: Uhm, uhh... what--what is your product again? Smith: Our latest is 'The Sacred Pearl Rabbit.' Steven Feinberg: Right, right... And that is? Smith: It's a high-end penile substitute with an epilateral remote, motorized shaft, dual controls, and, of course, the ears. Steven Feinberg: Ears? Steven Feinberg: Ah.

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The Monkey's Paw

2003

Morris: Just a bit of what some might call... magic.

Morris: It had a spell put on it by an old fakir, a very holy man. He wanted to prove that fate rules people's lives, and those who interfere with it, do so to their own sorrow. He put a spell on it so three separate men could each have three wishes.

Morris: Don't attempt to mask your greed with pleasantries, it is offensive. You got what you wanted. I warn you again, be careful. The paw seems to not only grant what you wish aloud, but also those dark wishes you hide deep in your own head.

The Messenger: They admit no liability at all, but in consideration of your son's services, they wish to present you with a certain sum as compensation.

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The Monster That Challenged the World

1957

Dr Jess Rogers: From the instant they're born, they're hungry.

Dr Jess Rogers: We must remember that these creatures can travel over land, too.

(last lines) Lt Cmdr. John 'Twill' Twillinger: Guess what, Sandy, you can go swimming again. (excitedly) Sandy MacKenzie: Can I?

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The Mouse That Roared

1959

Grand Duchess Gloriana: How did the war go? Tulley Bascombe: Well, this is a bit of a surprise. A pleasant one, I hope. I think we've won.

(There is an explosion and we see a huge mushroom cloud on the horizon) Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, this is not the end of the film. However, something like this might easily happen, and we thought we should put you in the proper mood. And now, back to our story.

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The Movies

2005 (VG)

Alexa St. Fontain: I'm Alexa St. Fontain, your goddess of gossip. Jim Sashe': And this is swami of celebrity swank, Jim Sashe', you're watching... Both: This is Hollywood! Alexa St. Fontain: (off-screen) Remember this apple-cheek little starlet? Here she is in her very first picture, "Cross Country with Uncle Leadfoot." Jim Sashe': Wow, grandpa, keep your hands on the wheel! Alexa St. Fontain: That's screen sensation Ashley Brown, star of last summer mega-blockbuster "Monkey in the Hauntings." Jim Sashe': Of course she is, Alexa. Ashley Brown is bonified movie magic. Let's take a look at her transformation from "Barely Legal" to "Double D-light".

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The Mudge Boy

2003

(after she refuses to sleep with him) Perry Foley: You fucking bitch. April: Fuck you. (sees Duncan watching them) April: Pervert.

Perry Foley: Say it! Perry Foley: Say you're a bitch!

Tonya: (Duncan hands her the chicken) What's her name? Duncan Mudge: ... chicken.

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The Mullets

2003

Denny: Those '84 Camaros could fly! Dwayne: It's an '85. Denny: No, it's an '84. Dwayne: Check out the hood scoops, and the rear window molding, so it's an '85. Denny: There's no fog lights on the front bumper, so it's an '84. (The Camaro comes crashing into the front door) Denny: Told you it was an '84.

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The Muppet Musicians of Bremen

1972

Kermit the Frog: You may have noticed that the heroes in this story are all animals, and the villains are all people. I hope none of you take that personally.

Mordacai Sledge: (in a low tone) It's time for you to retire. Leroy: (relieved; to camera) Retire. I'd love to retire! Mordacai Sledge: (exploding) (shouts) I'm gonna get me my gun and retire you proper! Leroy: (nervously; to camera) But not *that* way!

(Mordacai trips on the wagon and falls down) Mordacai Sledge: (grunting, to Leroy) That was *your* fault! Leroy: (to camera) What was *my* fault? I was asleep.

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The Muse

1999

Sarah: I feel like you're losing your edge. Steven Phillips: Jesus! I am hearing this from everybody! Sarah: That's because it's true.

Steven Phillips: The muse, the muse... the goddamn muse.

Sarah: Honey, all the gods drink!

Jennifer Tilly: Isn't Josh a doll? Steven Phillips: Oh, yes, he's a real doll. He's like a regular little Chucky.

Laura Phillips: (after Sarah has escaped with tied-together bedsheets) Those are my best sheets! Steven Phillips: That is so low on our priority scale right now.

Nurse Rennert: This is Hollywood. People here believe anything!

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The Music Lovers

1970

Antonina Milyukova: He's never loved another woman, has he, mother? No one else. But I, but I have so *many* lovers, so many lovers, so many, so many! See how many lovers, mother! See how many, how many, how many . . .

Modeste Tchaikovsky: I've got a title for your symphony: "The Pathetic". If it really is all about you. It's so much more fitting than "The Tragic". Just "Symphony #6 in B minor: The Pathetic".

Madame Nadedja von Meck: (concerning Antonina) She'll ruin you! She'll ruin you . . .

Peter Tchaikovsky: There's nothing left in me! Antonina Milyukova: How cruel. How can you say that? Don't I live? Everyone thinks they can do as they like with me! Even you!

(in insane asylum) Antonina Milyukova: My husband's a most famous man. I'm Madame Tchaikovsky from Moscow. My husband, he really did love me! Oh, Peter, my love... (pauses, expression changes) He hated me. He hated me!

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The Mysterious Affair at Styles

1990 (TV)

Hercule Poirot: Madame Dainty, has it ever occurred to you to organize the goods by the country of origin?

(Poirot has just pulled up in a cab outside and is waving his hands at the driver) Mary Cavendish: What on earth is he doing? Lieutenant Hastings: I think he's giving the driver a lesson.

(Poirot is building a house of cards) Lieutenant Hastings: Is this your first time in London, Poirot? (Poirot does not answer) Lieutenant Hastings: Mrs Inglethorpe must have been wealthy, with this beautiful house and Styles Court. (Poirot still does not answer) Lieutenant Hastings: Are you going to be doing that all day? Hercule Poirot: I steady my nerves, that is all.

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The Mysterious Mr Wong

1934

Mr Wong: A few hours with the rats will loosen his tongue to tell the truth!

Mr Wong: Your success may turn to bitterness and you may wish you had not meddled with the affairs of Wong.

Editor: Did you ever run into a Chinaman by the name of Wong? Barton: Have I ever run into one that ain't named Wong?

Officer McGillicuddy: All right, what is it you want? Barton: The Globe sent me over to do this murder. Officer McGillicuddy: Too late, it's already been done.

Barton: Say, can I call you by my last name? Peg: I'll have to think about it. Barton: What's the matter? Don't you love me? Peg: I guess I could learn to. Barton: How long will it take ya to get started? It's 11: 30 now.

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The Mystery of the Hooded Horsemen

1937

(two outlaws are unnerved when the hero makes an unexpected appearance) Outlaw: Wonder what's he's snooping around here for? Blackie Devlin: I don't know, but it's a cinch he ain't up to no good.

Tex Martin: You musta had a good wife, Stubby. Stubby: The only thing good about her was her husband.

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The Myth of Fingerprints

1997

Jake: I know your true passion theory about two people destined to be together, but we can't all be filled with that much faith, trust and emotion. It just means if you have someone you're not alone. You're not going to find that in some fairy tale romance. Sometimes you have to sit through low times where you don't necessarily feel overwhelmingly, totally in love all the time.

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The Naked Civil Servant

1975 (TV)

Quentin Crisp: Any film, even the worst, is better than real life.

Quentin Crisp: Health consists of having the same diseases as one's neighbors.

Young Queer-baiter: See that copper over there? If you don't give us a quid each, right? I'm gonna tell him you been fiddling with these two. Quentin Crisp: I defy you to do your worst. It can hardly be my worst. Mine has already and often happened to me. You cannot touch me now. I am one of the "stately homos of England".

(first lines) Mr Crisp: Do you intend to spend your entire life admiring yourself? Quentin Crisp: If I possibly can.

(last lines) Quentin Crisp: Never looking at anyone unless they demand I look. Never speaking to anyone unless spoken to.

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Them!

1954

Dr Harold Medford: We may be witnessing a Biblical prophecy come true - the beasts will reign over the earth.

(Pat observes that the walls of the huge nest are lined with saliva) Ben Peterson: Spit's all that's holding me together, too.

(the nest has been saturated with cyanide) Robert Graham: Boy, if I can still raise an arm when we get out of this place, I'm gonna show you just how saturated *I* can get.

Dr Harold Medford: We haven't seen the last of them.

The Ellinson Girl: (screaming hysterically) THEM! THEM! THEM!

Inmate: Make me a sergeant and charge the booze! Make me a sergeant and charge the booze!

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Welcome to Collinwood

2002

(Jerzy is in disguise, in full Hasidic rabbi costume) Basil: Why are you dressed like a priest? (pause) Jerzy: You're an idiot.

Riley: How am I meant to go bowling with a fucking broken arm? Pero: As you can see, he's a little upset.

(at Cosimo's funeral, keeping in mind that Cosimo had a bad habit of telling people their mothers were whores) Toto: Well he had a tough life... his mother was a whore.

(after seeing a removal van going in to the apartment next to the house they're going to rob, Riley and Pero are like) Pero: What the... What the f... What the fuck is this? What the fuck is this, man? Riley: Fuck, fuck, fuck! Pero: What the fuck is this?

Riley: This Bellini is starting to look like a real Kapuchnik.

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