Fierce Creatures
1997
Rollo Lee: Oh, great. Terrific. He decides to keep the zoo open so you kill him. Brilliant. Well done, thank you so much. Especially for shooting him right between the eyes so that it doesn't look like an accident... Because the people at Octopus will know that he was coming here to close us down so there's our motive for murdering him. Stunning. Well, Mr Brain of Britain, what are we going to tell the police, who are of course already on there way here?... Another example of the thoroughness of your plan. (Bugsy stutters) Rollo Lee: Go on, I'm all ears, what do you suggest we do with the dead body of the incredibly famous man, who you have just... ASSASSINATED. (Bugsy stutters some more) Rollo Lee: Sorry, I didn't... quite catch it... What? What was that?... Pop him in the blender?
Rollo Lee: It's an anteater, not a maneater. Sydney Lotterby: What would you be saying if it went over there, jumped into that pram? What would you be saying to the child's mother now? Rollo Lee: I'd be saying, "Madam, you are the victim of an 8 billion to one chance: a leaping anteater. An evolutionary mutant previously unknown to science."
Vince: No, no. This is the kind of conversation that two people have when one of them is female.
Vince: I don't like you. You're weird and unattractive.
Rollo Lee: Mr Sylvester Stallone didn't get where he is today by playing in Jane Austen.
Willa Weston: For one thing, he loves animals. Vince: Oh, he doesn't just love 'em.
Vince: Dad, since I've been doing so well, how 'bout a raise? Rod: Out of the question. Vince: Okay then, how 'bout a small advance on my inheritance? Rod: What inheritance? Vince: I'm... I'm your son. You have to leave me something. Rod: Why? Vince: Because . . you screwed up my whole childhood. Rod: How could I? I was hardly ever there.
Rollo Lee: Is there a history of insanity in your family?
Willa Weston: I love this zoo. Rollo Lee: I love zoo too.
Neville: Mate, Beijing called. We've got the television rights to their public executions. Rod McCain: Worldwide? Neville: Five guys a week, guaranteed. Rod McCain: Beauty.
Willa Weston: What are you doing? Vince McCain: I'm freezing him. Willa Weston: Why? Vince McCain: He's gotta be cryogenically frozen until they find a cure. Willa Weston: Yeah, a cure? Vince, he has a bullet in the brain. Vince McCain: Well, get more ice. Willa Weston: Vince, there is no cure for a bullet in the brain. It is very fatal.
Willa Weston: Vince, there is no cure for a bullet in the brain. It is very fatal.
Vince McCain: Now over here, this used to be the lion house, but as it's no longer suitable for animals, we're using it for middle management. (He sees Pip and Cub kissing Rollo in a fit of gratitude) What the hell do you think you're doing? Can you keep a lid on it till the sun goes down, for God's sake? You're supposed to be working, not prancing around in your cell like a... flamingo with a boner.
Rollo Lee: I think the whole Octopus philosophy is poison. The only aim of any and every McCain business is to downsize and halve the quality, to make enough money to acquire another business to downsize and halve the quality, to make enough money to acquire *another* business to downsize, etc., etc., without ever running a single one of them really well. And if anyone ever raises the question of quality, they're immediately attacked as an elitist, because at Octopus it's considered morally offensive to talk about anything but money. All so that Mr Rod McCain can feel a little more powerful every day. That's why, instead of running this *wonderful* zoo - properly - we've got to spoil it in order to finance his next *mindless* acquisition.
Willa Weston: Why do you work for us, Rollo? Rollo Lee: Cowardice?
Rollo Lee: About some of these sponsorship ideas. Willa Weston: Mmm? Rollo Lee: I, I wonder if you and your fiancé don't, don't feel that... some, some of them are... Willa Weston: (interrupting) Fiancé? Vince? No, no. No, no, we're not together. Rollo Lee: Ohh, good. Willa Weston: "Good"? Rollo Lee: Good. - I mean, I know we're not making 20% yet, but, but some of the marketing devices are a bit... a bit... crude? Willa Weston: Yes. Rollo Lee: Good. Because, you know, the, the keepers and, um, and I were... Willa Weston: (looking into the lemur cage, while removing her jacket to expose a skimpy dress) Oh, look at that. *Aren't* they *gorgeous*? Oh, they just make you want to *fondle* them... Rollo Lee: Oh yes. Yes, yes, uh, yes, I see what you mean. Yes. Willa Weston: Is this one your favorite? Rollo Lee: Yes, yes, I like him breast of... uh, best, ahem, of all the... the small mammaries. Mammals. (Sorry.) Ahem. Yes, his, his name's, uh, Rollo, actually. Willa Weston: Really. Rollo Lee: Hm. Yes, so I, I sort of feed him some little special tits-bits. Tits. Tid, tid, sorry, tidbits. (Keep making boobs.) Anyway, he just... loves his nuts. Willa Weston: (slowly) Does he? Hmm. And is, uh, Rollo very sexually active? Rollo Lee: Well, he, he doesn't have a, a partner at the moment. You, you know, if he, if he had one... Willa Weston: One? Rollo Lee: Hm? Willa Weston: I mean, just one? He wouldn't get bored, or... ? I mean... you had two... in your cage the other day. Rollo Lee: Oh, yes, huh. I mean, um, some of those, some of those sponsorship gimmicks are a bit sexcessive... exsexi... sexiss... Willa Weston: Excessive. Rollo Lee: That's it, sorry. Freudian slit. Slut. Slot.
(The staff are now all reluctantly wearing animal costumes) Vince McCain: And I want to thank you all, personally, for the incredible enthusiasm that you've shown vis-à-vis our latest new innovative initiative. You look fantastic. You're no longer a bunch of smelly old animal keepers. No, as of today, you are official Theme Zoo Visitation Enhancement Facilitators.
Willa Weston: What about the quality of the experience? Vince McCain: No, Rod says quality has never worked for him.
Willa Weston: You know what you are? You're pronoid. Vince McCain: "Pronoid"? Willa Weston: Mm-hmm. It means that contrary to all the available evidence, you actually think that people like you. Your perception of life is that it's one long benefit dinner in *your* honor with everybody cheering *you* on and wanting *you* to win everything. You think you're the prince, Vince.
(Vince opens the door and leans halfway into Willa's office) Vince McCain: Willa, can I ask you a question? Willa Weston: Sure. Vince McCain: Those breasts real? Willa Weston: Yes. Vince McCain: (Closes door, but we hear him through it) Yippee. (Reopens door and comes in) You know, Willa, uh, you better be careful dressed like that around here. People will think you're sleeping your way to the top. Willa Weston: Just as long as they don't think I'm sleeping my way to the middle.
(Vince forgets the time zones when phoning England) Vince McCain: Oh, were you asleep? Rollo Lee: Uh, yes, I frequently am at 2 A.M., I'm afraid. Uh, filthy habit I picked up in the Far East. Vince McCain: Oh well, gee, look, if this communiqué is in any way, uh, sleep-interruptive, I'll, uh, re-telephone you later.
(About the zoo's new owner) Rollo Lee: Starting with his father's radio stations in New Zealand, he has built up a global empire currently worth more than six billion dollars... and growing. Adrian "Bugsy" Malone: How much does he want in the end? Sydney Lotterby: Yeah. Rollo Lee: What? Adrian "Bugsy" Malone: How much bigger does he want to get? Rollo Lee: Well, there aren't any limits. He wants growth. Adrian "Bugsy" Malone: Presumably he's aware of Dr E.F. Schumacher's concept of limited resources, or as Jean-Paul Sartre puts it... Rollo Lee: (interrupting) Any *sensible* questions?
Willa Weston: You really don't like animals, do you? Vince McCain: No, it's not that I don't like them, I just don't see the point. I remember, when I was five, my mother got me this... dog. Pft. I just didn't *get* it. I suppose I had nothing I needed fetched. So I sold him. Willa Weston: How sad. Vince McCain: Oh, he got over it.
(She wants him to think they'll have sex - eventually) Willa Weston: I think it's too soon. Vince McCain: Why? Willa Weston: Because what we have is special. Vince McCain: No it isn't.
(Rollo is pushing a wheeled cage containing a lemur he's supposed to have shot) Vince McCain: What are you doing with that? Rollo Lee: Uh... oh, the lemur? Vince McCain: Yeah. Rollo Lee: Oh, just putting it back in its enclosure. Vince McCain: Why'd you take it out? Rollo Lee: Ahhhhh... for a walk... you know, exercise. Vince McCain: It can hardly move in there. Rollo Lee: Ah, no, no, the exercise is for me. Vince McCain: So what do you need that for? Rollo Lee: That's a good point, actually. Um, well, perhaps I won't bother in future. Thanks for the hint. (Turns to leave) Vince McCain: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Were you going to use that for target practice? Rollo Lee: Oh, no. Ha. Vince McCain: Or, uh, one of your orgies? (long pause) Rollo Lee: Orgies? Vince McCain: Yeah. I'm onto you. You were going to put that somewhere. You're sick.
Willa Weston: He reminds me of my father. Vince McCaine: Was your father ugly?
Vince McCain: You saw the papers... the, uh, Vampire Gunman Runs Amok story?
Vince: I never have to listen to you again, do I? With your "You're no son of mine, you miserable little worm! You've been a disappointment to me since the day your mother farted you out of her womb!"
Rod: I'm going to the shed. Mother always said, when you're naughty, you go to the shed. And I've been naughty. God, I'm depressed.
Woman's Mother: (after being told the man that licks her daughter's blood is Rollo Lee) Christopher Lee's more like it!
Vince: Did you get a whiff of that guy's cologne? Eau de Monkey Fart!