Female Trouble
1974
Wink: I'm getting a hard-on! Beauty always gives me a hard-on! Donna Dasher: Aim it the other way then, Wink. You know how I detest organs. Beauty has absolutely nothing to do with that WORD, that THING you have hanging there like an obscene pickle. Spare me your anatomy.
Aunt Ida: The world of the heterosexual is a sick and boring life.
Aunt Ida: Oh, Ernie! Have another pretzel for Chrissakes! Wait 'til you meet my little Gator. You two are gonna fall right in love. Ernie: My dear, I hope so. Are you sure he's gay? Aunt Ida: Well I just use common sense. I mean, if they're smart they're queer, and if they're stupid they're straight, right Earnie? Are you sure you won't have another pretzel? Ernie: I'm sure, miss Thing, I'm sure. Pretzels give you plaque.
Aunt Ida: Queers are just better. I'd be so proud if you was a fag.
Taffy: I wouldn't suck your lousy dick if I was suffocating and there was oxygen in your balls!
Taffy: Writing a book, hippie? Why don't you go listen to some folk music and give me a break!
Dawn Davenport: I've DONE everything a mother can do: I've locked her in her room, I've beat her with the car aerial. Nothing changes her. It's HARD being a loving mother!
Taffy Davenport: What's that camera for? Donald Dasher: To take pictures of your mother. Taffy Davenport: HER? Donald Dasher: We happen to think she's quite beautiful. Taffy Davenport: You must be cockeyed, then! HEY, lady! Have some CHIPS! Donna Dasher: Really, I couldn't. Thanks, but uh, no thanks. Taffy Davenport: (mockingly) Nuh NYEHH nuh NYEEHHH. Dawn Davenport: You want your spaghetti with or without cheese? Donna Dasher: I'll have two chicken breasts please. Dawn Davenport: Well, uh, we're not having that, we're having spaghetti. Donna Dasher: I couldn't possibly eat spaghetti, do I look Italian? Donald Dasher: We rarely eat any form of noodle. But I'll take a small portion to be polite, with cheese, please. Donna Dasher: I'll have an extremely large glass of ice-water.
Taffy Davenport: If I have to eat with Gator, I'll spit food!
Earl Peterson: (answering phone) Hello? Dawn Davenport: Is Earl Peterson there? Earl Peterson! This is Dawn Davenport. Dawn Davenport... you made love to me Christmas morning. (gasps) Well I just called to tell you I'm pregnant and I want money. Earl Peterson: You stole my wallet, you fat bitch! Dawn Davenport: So what if I did? I want money! Earl Peterson: You'll never get any money from me, cow! Just cause you got them big udders don't mean you're somethin' special. Get the hook! Go fuck yourself for all I care. YEAH! Go fuck yourself! (hangs up) Dawn Davenport: Hello? Hello? UGH!
Aunt Ida: Aahhh! Ahhhh! Dawn, ya son of a bitch! You're the one who did it! YOU! You drove Gater away! (as Ida enters the room) Donald Dasher: Oh my God! Donna Dasher: Incredible! Dawn Davenport: Ida Nelson, you get out of my house! (hurling acid into Dawn's face) Aunt Ida: You made Gater leave! I got somethin for your face, motherfucker!
(after sticking a carrot in Dawn's mouth at the moment of sexual climax) Gator: I got off on it! I really got off on it! Dawn Davenport: Oh DID you? Well, hip hip hooray for your cheap climax! What about ME, fuck face?
Butterfly: Beauty, beauty, look at you, I wish to God I had it, too.
Gator: Hello, Aunt Ida. Aunt Ida: Gater Nelson, what a coincidence! There's somebody here dying to meet you! Gater, this is Ernie; Ernie, this is Gater! Ernie: Hi, stud! Gator: Get him outta here! Aunt Ida: Gater Nelson, you be polite to Ernie! He wants a date with you! Gator: Well I don't want a date with him. I came to say goodbye Aunt Ida, I'm moving to Detroit. Aunt Ida: WHAT? Gator: I want to be near the auto inDUStry, I'm sick of hairdressing and besides, Dawn had me fired. Ernie: I can get ya a job in the Bath, Mary! Gator: Look, fucker, take a walk! Ernie: Well... ! Gator: Look, you better beat it before I punch your fuckin' face out that window. Ernie: No gay knots for me, Ida! At best, all you've got is trade. Aunt Ida: Oh Gater! Ernie's your type! Move in with me again, and we'll get you a job as a female impersonator! Ernie: His hands are too big, dahling. BYE, Gater. It was... FAB meeting you! Gator: FUCK you, you're worse than my wife!
Aunt Ida: Fucker! Pig fucker! Hetero! Filthy hetero stink-shit!
Aunt Ida: And remember my offer still stands. If you get tired of being a Hare Krishna, you come live with me and be a lesbian!
Donald Dasher: We are always curious as to what drew you here to "Le Lipstique". Stripper: Well I heard all the strippers come here, and I got sick of my old salon. Donna Dasher: And supposing we become sick of you? Stripper: Well, I had hoped that wouldn't happen... ! Donna Dasher: Well, I think it IS happening. It's hard to describe, but when I look into your face, I pick up the distinct sensation of NAUSEA. Stripper: Hey, WAIT A MINUTE... !
Dawn Davenport: You're a pain, Taffy. A pain in my big asshole!
(Dawn discovers the shoe box under the Xmas tree does not contain cha cha heels) Dawn Davenport: WHAT are THESE? Mrs Davenport: Those are your new shoes, Dawn! Dawn Davenport: Those aren't the right kind, I told you cha cha heels, black ones! Mr Davenport: Nice girls don't wear cha cha heels! Dawn Davenport: Gimmie those presents, I'll never wear those ugly shoes! I told you the kind I wanted! You ruined my Christmas! (stomps the Xmas presents) Mrs Davenport: Please, Dawn! Not on Christmas! Dawn Davenport: Get off me, you ugly witch! (pushes mother into the Xmas tree) Mr Davenport: Dawn Davenport, are you crazy, look at your mother! Dawn Davenport: Get off me... LAY OFF ME! I hate you, fuck you! Fuck you both, you awful people! You're not my parents! I hate you, I hate this house, and I hate Christmas! Mrs Davenport: Not on Christmas! Not on Christmas!
Concetta: I got a knife here in my pocketbook and I'm gonna cut you up after class.
Concetta: Hey there, Taffy. Dawn Davenport: She's been a hideous little girl today, she was about to get a good whippin'! Chicklette: She's so cute. Taffy as a child: Who are you, UGLY? Dawn Davenport: You know who they are! Taffy as a child: I've never seen THEM before. Dawn Davenport: Oh, TAFFY. Chicklette: I just saw you yesterday, Taffy. Come sit here with your Aunt Chicklette! (Taffy bites Chicklette's arm) OH MY GOD, this kid's BITIN me! Dawn Davenport: This is ridiculous...
Concetta: (consoling Dawn) Just get your hair done. That's what I always do when I get depressed. Dawn Davenport: Maybe I will. Concetta: I'll tell ya, the Lipstick Beauty Salon is the best. They only let, well, you know, 'special' girls in. You have to audition to even get your hair done! Chicklette: AND, there's this guy that does hair there, MMMM MMMM. I'd suck the socks off him in a minute. Concetta: Yeah, Gator's his name, and you know what? He lives right next door. Dawn Davenport: Wonder what HIS story is? Maybe he's a... CHUBBY CHASER!
Earl Peterson: Hey! You spilled my drink! Daddy Earl's got a little present for you here.