(Basil finds someone going through the food in the kitchen) Basil Fawlty: Sybil, may I introduce the gentleman who's just opened the self-service department here. Mr... ? Mr Carnegie: Carnegie. Basil Fawlty: Mr Carnegie, the scavenger gourmet from... ? Mr Carnegie: The Public Health department.

(Manuel wants to keep his pet rat) Manuel: Mr Fawlty, please understand. If he go, I go. Basil Fawlty: Well, goodbye.

Sybil Fawlty: (Sybil suggests a way to get rid of Manuel's rat) Perhaps it would be simplest to have him put to S-L-E-E-P. Basil Fawlty: Who? Him or the rat? I could get a discount if we get them both done. Manuel: (suspiciously) Spleep?

Basil Fawlty: (two guests are speaking to Basil in German) Oh, German. I'm sorry, I thought there was something wrong with you.

Basil Fawlty: Polly, what's that smell? Polly: Flowers, I just got them from the garden. Basil Fawlty: Well, what are you stinking the place up with those for? What's happened to the plastic ones? Polly: Being ironed.

Basil Fawlty: You'll have to forgive him. He's from Barcelona.

Mr Hutchinson: How do you do? Polly: How do you do? Mr Hutchinson: Wait a minute, we've met before I think. Polly: Yes, I served you at breakfast. Mr Hutchinson: Oh yes, and you spilled the grapefruit juice didn't you, you naughty girl? Polly: And you moved the glass, didn't you?

Mr Hutchinson: There is a documentary on BBC2 this evening about "Squawking Bird", the leader of the Blackfoot Indians in the 1860s. Now this starts at 8.45 and goes on for approximately three-quarters of an hour. Basil Fawlty: I'm sorry, are you talking to me? Mr Hutchinson: Indeed I am. Yes, now, is it possible for me to reserve the BBC2 channel for the duration of this televisual feast? Basil Fawlty: Why don't you talk properly?

Mr Carnegie: Lack of proper cleaning routines, dirty and greasy filters, greasy and encrusted deep fat fryer, dirty, cracked and stained food preparation surfaces, dirty, cracked and missing wall and floor tiles, dirty, marked and stained utensils, dirty and greasy interior surfaces of the ventilator hood... Basil Fawlty: About the fat fryer... Mr Carnegie: ... inadequate temperature control and storage of dangerous foodstuffs, storage of cooked and raw meat in same trays, storage of raw meat above confectionery with consequent dripping of meat juices onto cream products, refrigerator seals loose and cracked, ice box undefrosted, and refrigerator overstocked... Basil Fawlty: Say no more. Mr Carnegie: ... food handling routines suspect, evidence of smoking in food preparation area, dirty and grubby food handling overalls, lack of wash hand basin which you gave us a verbal assurance you'll have installed at our last visit six months ago and two dead pigeons in the water tank. Basil Fawlty: Otherwise O.K.?

Basil Fawlty: Right, well I'll go and have a lie down then. No I won't; I'll go and hit some guests.

O'Reilly: The problem with you, Mr Fawlty, is that you worry too much. You keep it up like this, you'll have a stroke before fifty. Stone dead you'll be. nm0000092@Basil Fawlty : Suits me. O'Reilly: Oh. That's a dreadful thing to say. Basil Fawlty: Not at all. Get a bit of peace. O'Reilly: Don't be so morbid. The Good Lord made the world so that we could all enjoy ourselves. Basil Fawlty: Look, my wife enjoys herself. I worry. O'Reilly: Well, let me tell you, if the Lord had meant us to worry, He would have given us things to worry about. Basil Fawlty: HE HAS. MY WIFE. She will be back here in four hours and she can kill a man at ten paces with one blow of her tongue. How am I supposed not to worry? O'Reilly: Just remember, Mr Fawlty, there's always somebody worse off than yourself. Basil Fawlty: Is there? Well I'd like to meet him. I could do with a laugh. O'Reilly: You'll have to worry for the both of us. I tell you, if the Good Lord... Basil Fawlty: - -is mentioned ONCE more, I shall move you closer to Him.

Mrs Richards: I've booked a room with a bath and a sea view for three nights. I specifically asked for a sea view in my written confirmation, so please make sure I have it. Manuel: Qué? Mrs Richards: What? Manuel: Qué? Mrs Richards: K? Manuel: Sí. Mrs Richards: KC? KC? What are you trying to say? Manuel: No, no no no. Qué, "what." Mrs Richards: K. Watt? Manuel: Sí: qué, "what." Mrs Richards: C.K. Watt? Manuel: Yes. Mrs Richards: Who is this C.K. Watt? Manuel: Qué? Mrs Richards: Is he the manager? Manuel: Oh, Manajer. Mrs Richards: He is. Manuel: Ah, Mr Fawlty. Mrs Richards: Oh, what are you talking about, you silly little man? (to Polly) Girl, I start to ask this man about my room, and he tells me the manager is a Mr Watt, aged forty. Manuel: No, no no. "Fawwl-ty." Mrs Richards: Faulty? What's wrong with him?

Manuel: (to garden gnome) No Room 16 for you!

Basil Fawlty: Where are the pens? Sybil Fawlty: They're in that box. It says "pens" quite clearly. Basil Fawlty: Looks more like "Ben's." Sybil Fawlty: Well, then when Ben comes, you can give it to him.

Basil Fawlty: I'll ruin you. You'll never waitress in Torquay again.

Basil Fawlty: (indicating Sybil) This, Basil's wife. (indicating himself) This, Basil. This, smack on head. (smacks Manuel on the head)

Mr Hamilton: What I'm suggesting is that this place is the crummiest, shoddiest, worst-run hotel in the whole of Western Europe. Major Gowen: No. No. I won't have that. There's a place in Eastbourne.

Basil Fawlty: Manuel will show you to your rooms - if you're lucky.

Basil Fawlty: It's alright, he's only choking.

Basil Fawlty: Don't touch me, I don't know where you've been.

Sybil Fawlty: Oh, and Basil, one more thing: If you're going to grope a girl, have the gallantry to stay in the room with her while you're doing it.

Sybil Fawlty: Do you really believe in your wildest dreams that a girl like this could possibly be interested in an aging, Brilliantine, stick-insect like yourself?

Basil Fawlty: Is something wrong? German Guest: Will you please stop talking about the war? Basil Fawlty: Me? You started it. German Guest: We did not! Basil Fawlty: Yes you did, you invaded Poland.

(Basil has just found out that Kurt has a crush on Manuel) Basil Fawlty: I knew it. I knew this would happen if we hired a Frenchman. Polly: He's Greek, Mr Fawlty. Basil Fawlty: Greek? Polly: Of course. Basil Fawlty: Well that's worse, I mean they invented it.

(Basil has suffered a blow to the head and is in the hospital) Basil Fawlty: (to nurse) My God, you're ugly, aren't you? Sister: I'll... I'll get the doctor. Basil Fawlty: It's a plastic surgeon you need, not a doctor.

Basil Fawlty: May I help you, madam? Mrs Richards: Are you the manager? Basil Fawlty: I am the *owner*. Mrs Richards: What? Basil Fawlty: I am the owner. Mrs Richards: I want to speak to the manager. Basil Fawlty: (impatiently) I am the manager, too. Mrs Richards: What? Basil Fawlty: I am the manager *as well*. Manuel: (confirming Basil's identity) Manajer, him manajer. Mrs Richards: Oh. You're Watt. Basil Fawlty: (confused) I'm the manager. Mrs Richards: What? Basil Fawlty: I'm the manager. Mrs Richards: Yes, I know, you've just told me; what's the matter with you? Now listen to me. I specifically requested a bath for my room. When I pay for a bath, I expect to get a bath. Basil Fawlty: You've *got* a bath. Mrs Richards: I'm not paying seventeen-pounds-fifty per night plus VAT for a room without a bath. Basil Fawlty: (indicating private bath in adjoining room) There is your bath. Mrs Richards: You call that a bath? It's not big enough to drown a mouse. It's disgraceful. Basil Fawlty: (sotto voice) I wish you were a mouse; I'd show you. Mrs Richards: (standing next to the window) And another thing: I asked for a room with a view. Basil Fawlty: (aside to Manuel) Deaf, mad, *and* blind. (to Mrs Richards as he makes a show of inspecting the view) This is the view as far as I can remember... Yes... Yes, this is it. Mrs Richards: When I pay for a view, I expect to see something more interesting than that. Basil Fawlty: That is Torquay, madam. Mrs Richards: Well, that's not good enough. Basil Fawlty: Well, might I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The hanging gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically... Mrs Richards: Don't be ridiculous. I expect to be able to see the sea. Basil Fawlty: You *can* see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky. Mrs Richards: I'd need a telescope to see that. Basil Fawlty: Well, might I suggest you move to a hotel closer to the sea. (sotto voice) Or preferably in it. Mrs Richards: Now listen to me. I'm not satisfied, but I've decided to stay here. However, I shall expect a reduction. Basil Fawlty: Why? Because Krakatoa's not erupting at the moment, or... Mrs Richards: No. Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible, and the radio doesn't work. Basil Fawlty: No, the radio works. (sotto voice) You don't. Mrs Richards: What? Basil Fawlty: But I can fix it, you see. (sotto voice) You scabby old bat. (Turns up the in-wall radio full blast to prove it works. Manuel jams his hands over his ears) Basil Fawlty: (shutting it off) I think we got something then. Mrs Richards: What? Basil Fawlty: (louder) I think we got something then. Mrs Richards: What are you doing? Manuel: (still with hands tightly over ears) QUÉ?

Mr Hamilton: I want a Waldorf Salad. Basil Fawlty: (Waldorf Salad is not on the menu) I beg your pardon? Mr Hamilton: Get me a Waldorf Salad. Basil Fawlty: Well, I think we just ran out of Waldorfs!

Mrs Chase: (Manuel is checking the window for a draft that is disturbing Mrs Chase's dog) We have to be careful, Mr Fawlty, he's not very strong. Basil Fawlty: Indeed, yes. A rapid movement of air could damage him irreparably!

Basil Fawlty: (Basil has had his money mistaken for Mrs Richards' lost money. When her vase comes he discovers her lost money and keeps it to replace his original money) Oh, Mrs Richards, your beautiful vase just arrived this morning! Mrs Richards: (sees the money in Basil's hand) What's that? Basil Fawlty: This is *mine*!

Basil Fawlty: Good night! (Mr Leeman doesn't answer) Basil Fawlty: I said, "Good night!" Mr Leeman: Oh, good night! Basil Fawlty: That didn't hurt, did it?

Dr Price: I'm a doctor. I'm a doctor and I want my sausages!

Mrs Chase: (to Manuel) What's the matter, don't you have dogs in Calcutta?

Dr Price: (Mr Leeman's cadaver has been put in the kitchen) You can't keep a dead body in here where there's food! Basil Fawlty: Can't we?

Miss Ursula Tibbs: (Referring to a dead body) He's dead! Basil Fawlty: Yes it's her husband. She hasn't got over it. Died thirty years ago.

Basil Fawlty: Come on out! Rause! Rause! Rause!

Sybil Fawlty: Are you still here Basil? Basil Fawlty: No, I went a few minutes ago dear, but I expect I'll be back shortly.

Basil Fawlty: This is typical. Absolutely typical... of the kind of... (shouting) ARSE I have to put up with from you people. You ponce in here expecting to be waited on hand and foot, while I'm trying to run a hotel here. Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever think of that? Of course not, you're all too busy sticking your noses into every corner, poking around for things to complain about, aren't you? Well let me tell you something - this is exactly how Nazi Germany started. A lot of layabouts with nothing better to do than to cause trouble. Well I've had fifteen years of pandering to the likes of you, and I've had enough. I've had it. Come on, pack your bags and get out.

Dr Price: I don't understand. He's been dead for about ten hours. Basil Fawlty: Yes, it's so final, isn't it? Sybil Fawlty: Basil! Basil Fawlty: Well wouldn't you say it was final dear? I'd say it was pretty *bloody* final... Dr Price: Do you mean to tell me you didn't realize this man was dead? Basil Fawlty: People don't talk that much in the morning... Well look, I'm just delivering a tray, right? If the guest isn't singing "Oh What A Beautiful Morning," I don't immediately think, "Oh there's another snuffed it in the night." Another name in the Fawlty Towers Book of Remembrance. I mean this is a hotel, not the Burma Railway. I mean it does actually say "Hotel" outside, you know. Perhaps I should be more specific. What about "Hotel for people who have a better than fifty percent chance of making it through the night"?

Basil Fawlty: (to telephone operator) I've been trying to get through to the speaking clock... Well, it's engaged... Well, it's been engaged for ten minutes. How is this possible? My wife isn't talking to it.

Basil Fawlty: Well, of course it's a rat. You have rats in Spain, don't you - or did Franco have them all shot?

Basil Fawlty: I'll put an ad in the papers: "Wanted, kind home for enormous savage rodent. Answers to the name of Sybil."

(Mrs Richards comes downstairs for lavatory paper, Polly thinks she wants writing paper) Mrs Richards: Girl, there's no paper in my room, why don't you check these things? That's what you're being paid for isn't it. Polly: We don't put it in the rooms. Mrs Richards: What? Polly: We keep it in the lounge. Mrs Richards: (aghast) In the lounge? Polly: I'll get you some. Do you want plain ones or ones with our address on it? Mrs Richards: Address on it? Polly: How many sheets? I mean, how many are you going to use? Mrs Richards: MANAGER.

Sybil Fawlty: You're looking very happy Basil. Basil Fawlty: Happy? Ah yes, I remember that.

Mr Walt: This was supposed to be my table, I did ask the waiter. Basil Fawlty: Well, he's hopeless isn't he? You might as well ask the cat.

Basil Fawlty: Will you be dining here tonight in this unfashionable dump? Mr Johnson: No, I wasn't planning to. Basil Fawlty: No, not really your scene is it? Mr Johnson: I wanted to try a place in town... anywhere you recommend? Basil Fawlty: What sort of food did you want... fruit or... ? Mr Johnson: Any place I can get French food? Basil Fawlty: Yes, France I believe. They seem to like it over there. The swim would certainly sharpen your appetite. You'd better hurry, the tide leaves in 8 minutes.

Sybil Fawlty: You know what I'll do if I find out that money is yours? Basil Fawlty: (calling after her) You'd have to sew 'em back on first.

Basil Fawlty: (writing in the guest book) Single? Danny Brown: Yeah... No, make it a double. I feel lucky today.

Basil Fawlty: Ah, Manuel? There is too much butter on those trays. Manuel: Que? Basil Fawlty: (speaking slowly) There is too much butter on those trays. Manuel: Ah, no senor. No "on those trays"... (counting the trays) "uno, dos, tres".

Basil Fawlty: A satisfied customer. We should have him stuffed.

Basil Fawlty: Tie's a bit bright, isn't it, Major? Major Gowen: What? Basil Fawlty: For a memorial service? Major Gowen: Oh, I didn't like the chap.

(Basil's car won't start) Basil Fawlty: START. Start, you vicious bastard. Oh my God. I'm warning you, if you don't start... I'll count to three. 1, 2, 3, right, that does it. (Gets out) I'm going to give you a damn good thrashing.

Basil Fawlty: Don't mention the war. I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right.

(Basil answers the phone which interrupts him hanging a moose head decoration) Basil Fawlty: (Answers the phone call from his wife) Yes. Fawlty Towers, hello? (pause) Basil Fawlty: I was just doing it, you stupid woman. I just put it down, to come here and be reminded by you to do what I'm already doin'. What is the point in reminding me to do what I'm already doing? What is the bloody point? I'm doing it aren't I? (pause) Basil Fawlty: Yes, yes, I picked it up... Yes... No, no, I haven't had a chance yet... Yes, I will... Yes... No, I haven't yet, but I will... Yes, yes, yes, I know it is... Yes, I'll try and get it cleared up... Anything else? I mean, would you like the hotel moved a bit to the left?

Basil Fawlty: Your *name*, please, could I have your name? Lord Melbury: Melbury. (the phone rings; Basil picks it up) Basil Fawlty: (to Melbury) One second please. (to phone) Hello?... Ah, yes Mr O'Reilly, well it's perfectly simple. When I asked you to build me a wall I was rather hoping that instead of just dumping the bricks in a pile you might have found time to cement them together... you know, one on top of another, in the traditional fashion. (to Melbury, testily) Could you fill it in, please? (to phone) Oh, splendid! Ah, yes, but *when*, Mr O'Reilly? (to Melbury, who is having difficulty with the register) there - there! (to phone) Yes, but when? Yes, yes... ah!... the flu! (to Melbury) *Both* names, please. (to phone) Yes, I should have guessed, Mr O'Reilly that and the potato famine I suppose... Lord Melbury: I beg your pardon? Basil Fawlty: Would you put *both* your names, please?... (to phone) Well, will you give me a *date*? Lord Melbury: Er... I only use one. Basil Fawlty: (with a withering look) You don't have a first name? Lord Melbury: No, I am *Lord* Melbury, so I simply sign myself "Melbury". (there is a long, long pause) Basil Fawlty: (to phone) Go away. (puts phone down) ... I'm *so* sorry to have kept you waiting, your lordship... I *do* apologize, *please* forgive me. Now, was there something, is there something, anything, I can do for you? Anything at all?

(after explaining to everyone about the fire drill moments away) Basil Fawlty: Splendid, we will have the fire drill which will commence in exactly 30 seconds from now. Thank you. (Everyone stands still) Basil Fawlty: What are you doing? Are you just going to stand there? Mr Sharp: Well, what do you suggest? Basil Fawlty: Well, couldn't a few of you go into the bar or dining room... I mean, use your imagination? Mr Sharp: Why? Basil Fawlty: This is supposed to be a fire drill. Mr Sharp: There's only a few seconds. Basil Fawlty: ... Right. Well, obviously if there was a fire you would all be standing down here like this, right here in the lobby. Wouldn't you? I don't know why we bother. We should let you all burn.

Basil Fawlty: Coming my little piranha fish.

Basil Fawlty: Manuel... (Basil thwacks him on the forehead with a spoon) Basil Fawlty: ... You're a waste of space.

Basil Fawlty: Manuel, where is the bottle? Manuel: Qué? Basil Fawlty: The bottle. Where is it? Manuel: Oh I take it. I take it, I take it. Basil Fawlty: Manuel, you're a waste of space.

Basil Fawlty: (about Sybil's laugh) Sounds like somebody machine-gunning a seal.

Basil Fawlty: Madam, I don't mean to pry, but do you by any chance have a hearing aid? Mrs Richards: A what? Basil Fawlty: A HEARING AID. Mrs Richards: Yes, of course. Basil Fawlty: Would you like me to get it mended? Mrs Richards: Mended? It's working perfectly all right. Basil Fawlty: No, it isn't. Mrs Richards: I haven't got it switched on at the moment. Basil Fawlty: Why not? Mrs Richards: The battery runs down.

(Basil has had to produce a new menu for the gourmet evening) Colonel Hall: Duck with Orange; duck with cherries; duck surprise. Mrs Hall: What's duck surprise? Basil Fawlty: Er... that's duck without oranges or cherries. Colonel Hall: I mean is this all there is - Duck? Basil Fawlty: Yes... done of course in three extremely different ways. Colonel Hall: And what do you do if you don't like duck? Basil Fawlty: Well, if you don't like duck... you're rather stuck.

(Raving on about the fire extinguisher that he fired into his own face) Basil Fawlty: Do you know what that fire extinguisher did? It exploded in my face. I mean, what is the point of a fire extinguisher? It sits there for months, and when you actually have a fire - when you actually need the bloody thing - it blows your head off! I mean, what is happening to this country? It's bloody Wilson!

(the Major is in the bar with a rifle, stalking a rat. Basil is behind him, unaware of what the Major is doing) Basil Fawlty: Can I help you at all Major... ? Major Gowen: Don't move! (Points the rifle at Basil) Major Gowen: ... Vermin (Basil mishears and rolls eyes) Basil Fawlty: We haven't got any this week, Major. Major Gowen: Hm? Basil Fawlty: ... No Germans.

(Sybil has asked Basil to get her blue bed-top from the drawers. He picks up a pink top) Basil Fawlty: This one? Sybil Fawlty: Is it blue? Basil Fawlty: Well it's got blue things on it. Sybil Fawlty: They're flowers, and I didn't ask for the one with the flowers, did I? Basil Fawlty: No, no, you didn't dear, quite right. No, I just picked that one up to annoy you, actually.

(Sybil is wondering why Basil is dancing about the kitchen) Basil Fawlty: Just my way of getting through the day, dear. The, ah, Samaritans were engaged.

(Basil has been distracted from getting drinks for several guests for a very long time) Mr Wareing: A GIN AND ORANGE! A LEMON SQUASH! AND A SCOTCH AND WATER PLEASE!

Basil Fawlty: Ah, hello Lord Melbury... (then) Basil Fawlty: BASTARRRDDD!

(the health inspector, Mr Carnegie is visiting and there is a rat loose in the hotel) Manuel: Major try to kill Basil! (Manuels rat is also called Basil) Sybil Fawlty: Tried to kill BASIL ? Manuel: No, not Mr Fawlty, Basil my little... (Manuel is about to say 'Rat' in front of the health inspector) Polly: (suddenly) RATATOUILLE! Mr Carnegie: Basil the little... what? Polly: Ratatouille; the chef calls the ratatouille 'Basil', because he puts quite a lot of basil in it. Manuel: He put Basil in Ratatouille? Polly: Yes! Manuel: ARGGGHHHHHHHH! (Manuel runs off to the kitchen screaming) Sybil Fawlty: (to Mr Carnegie) He's from Barcelona.

(Basil is distracted from giving two lamb dishes to Mr and Mrs Johnston) Mr Johnston: Are those lambs ours? Basil Fawlty: (annoyed voice) Not yet.

(Basil is again distracted from giving two lamb dishes to the Johnstons) Mr Johnston: EXCUSE ME! There are two lambs here! Basil Fawlty: I'll have them removed if they're bothering you.

(Basil has taken the lamb dishes out of the kitchen to greet Mrs Hamilton at reception) Mr Johnston: (Re: Lamb dishes) Have you finished with those yet? Basil Fawlty: Oh absolutely. Bon Appétit (makes rude farting sound) Mr Johnston: (to Mrs Hamilton) I recommend the self-service here. It's excellent. Basil Fawlty: Your lambs will be getting cold, Mr Johnston. Mr Johnston: *Colder* Basil Fawlty: If you'd like them warmed up... Mr Johnston: Forget it (he goes back into the dining room) Basil Fawlty: ... you can get your wife to sit on em'! Basil Fawlty: (to Mrs Hamilton) I'm so sorry at the RUBBISH we get in here.

(a guest has died and Polly has just knocked out Miss Tibbs) Basil Fawlty: Oh spiffing. Absolutely spiffing. Well done. Two dead, Twenty-five to go.

Basil Fawlty: We have a Spanish porter at the moment, he's from Barcelona. It'd be quicker to train an *ape*!

Basil Fawlty: (to Manuel) Stupidissimo! Continental cretin!

(Basil has accidentally set off the burglar alarm during the fire drill, guests start walking out of the building thinking it's the fire alarm, but Basil stops them all in the lobby) Mrs Wilson: Oh I thought that was the drill. Basil Fawlty: Yes there is, at twelve o'clock. Mrs Wilson: But, it is twelve o'clock. Basil Fawlty: Well not quite. (to guests that try to leave) Basil Fawlty: Excuse me! Mrs Wilson: Well, I make it twelve o'clock. Basil Fawlty: (to guests) Im afraid that wasn't the... Mrs Wilson: What time do you make it, Major? Basil Fawlty: (annoyed) Look... Major Gowen: Burglars about, I think. Basil Fawlty: Look, it doesn't matter what time he makes it, it hasn't started yet. Mrs Sharp: What? Basil Fawlty: It hasn't started yet! Mrs Sharp: But, that was the bell wasn't it? Basil Fawlty: No! Mrs Wilson: He means the *drill* hasn't started yet. Mr Sharp: What drill? We didn't hear a drill. Basil Fawlty: (trying to explain) No, no no no, look, look - that was the burglar alarm. Major Gowen: See! Mrs Wilson: The burglar alarm? Basil Fawlty: Yes! Mrs Wilson: Are there burglars? Major Gowen: Evidently! Basil Fawlty: (increasingly annoyed) No! Look, what's the matter with you all? It's perfectly simple: we have the fire drill when I ring the fire bell- That wasn't the fire bell! Mr Sharp: Well, how are we supposed to know that wasn't the fire bell? Basil Fawlty: Because, it doesn't sound like the fire bell. All guests at once: It did. Basil Fawlty: It didn't!

Basil Fawlty: So this Finnish floozy is your karate teacher is she? Terry: Well. It's a sort of karate isn't it?

Miss Gatsby: And don't do anything *we* wouldn't do! Basil Fawlty: Oh, just a little breeding, surely.

(Polly, with a piece of cheese, is looking for Basil the Rat under the table) Polly: Basil. Basil? Cheesies! Basil . . . (Basil Fawlty comes up behind her and bumps the table) Basil Fawlty: Yes? Polly: Oh, Mr Fawlty I... Basil Fawlty: Oh that's for me is it? Thank you. (eats the cheese) Polly: Can I get you some more? There's plenty . . . Basil Fawlty: He's called Basil is he? Don't play dumb with me, I trusted you. You're responsible for this!

(Basil, after finding out about Mr Hutchinson's real job) Basil Fawlty: (softly) Spoons hey? Mr Hutchinson: What? Basil Fawlty: SSPTHOONS!

Basil Fawlty: Can we get you something else Mr Hutchinson? A tea cosy for your pepper pot perhaps?

(Scolding Polly for not revealing where her eyeglasses were located) Mrs Richards: Are you blind? They were on my head all the time! Didn't you see? Polly: Yes. Mrs Richards: Didn't God give you eyes? Polly: Yes, but I don't use them, because it wears the batteries out.

Basil Fawlty: Where's Sybil? Manuel: ¿Que? Basil Fawlty: Where's Sybil? Manuel: Where's... the bill? Basil Fawlty: No, not a bill! I own the place!

German Guest: Can we help you? Basil Fawlty: Oh, you speak English. German Guest: Of course. Basil Fawlty: Ah, wonderful! Vonderbar! Ahh! Please allow me to introduce myself, I am the owner of Fawlty Towers. And may I welcome your war... your war... you all... and hope that your stay will be a happy one. Now, would you like to eat first, or would you like a drink before the war... AHH! Er... trespassers will be tied up with piano wire... SORRY, SORRY!

Manuel: Ohh, he hit me on the head. Major Gowen: No! You hit him on the head. You naughty moose. German Guest: However did they win?

Basil Fawlty: Walnuts! That's a laugh! Easier to find a packet of sliced hippopotamus in suitcase sauce than a walnut in this bloody kitchen!

Basil Fawlty: (exasperated with Manuel) Please! Try to understand before one of us dies.

Basil Fawlty: (Basil and Manuel are moving the body of a guest who has died) One of the guests has died. Major Gowen: Ah. Shot, was he? Basil Fawlty: No, during the night. Major Gowen: Ah, well, you're off your guard, you see.

Basil Fawlty: If you bother me again I shall visit you in the small hours of the night and put a bat up your nightdress.

(the phone rings) Basil Fawlty: (picking up the phone; his wife is at the other end of the line) Hello, Fawlty Towers. (pause) Basil Fawlty: (annoyed) Oh, what is it now? Can't you leave me in peace?

Basil Fawlty: (overseeing dinner, he approaches a table where Mrs Heath is eating with her son Ronald) Everything all right here? Mrs Heath: Well... Master Heath: (cutting in) I don't like the chips. The chips are awful. Basil Fawlty: Really? How so? Master Heath: They're the wrong shape and they're just awful. Mrs Heath: Ah, he's very clever... rather highly strung. Basil Fawlty: (forcing himself to smile) Highly strung... Yes, he should be. Master Heath: (to Basil) These eggs look like *you* laid them. Haven't you got any *proper* chips? Basil Fawlty: These *are* proper French-fried potatoes. The chef is Continental. Master Heath: Couldn't you get an English one? Mrs Heath: Why don't you just eat one or two, dear? Master Heath: Because they're the wrong *shape*. Basil Fawlty: Oh, my... What shape do you prefer? Mickey Mouse shape? Smarties shape? Amphibious landing-craft shape? Poke-in-the-eye shape? Master Heath: God, you're dumb. Basil Fawlty: (gritting his teeth) Is there anything else we can get you, *sonny*? Master Heath: I'd like some bread and salad cream. Basil Fawlty: Well, there's the bread, and there's the mayonnaise. Master Heath: I said *salad cream*, stupid. Basil Fawlty: We don't *have* any salad cream. Master Heath: What a *dump*. Basil Fawlty: ... The chef made that mayonnaise fresh this morning. Master Heath: That's *puke*, that is. Basil Fawlty: Well, at least it's *fresh* puke!

Mr Arrad: Excuse me. Basil Fawlty: Yes? Mr Arrad: Look, we've been waiting here for about half an hour now, I mean I gave the waiter our order... Basil Fawlty: Oh, *him*. He's hopeless, isn't he? Mr Arrad: Yes, well I don't wish to complain, but when he does bring something he's got it wrong. Basil Fawlty: You think I don't know? I mean, you only have to eat here. We have to live with it. I had to pay his fare all the way from Barcelona, but you can't get the staff you see. It's a nightmare. Mrs Arrad: You were supposed to be complaining to *him*.

Mr Hutchinson: I thought Boff was the name of a locale... you know the name of a district. That P looks like a B, you see. Basil Fawlty: No it doesn't. Mr Hutchinson: Yes it does, there's a little loop on the bottom of it. Basil Fawlty: (taking the diagram and showing it to Walt) Excuse me - would you say that was a 'P' or a 'B'? Mr Walt: Er... Basil Fawlty: There, does it say Boff or does it say Poff? Mr Walt: Er... Basil Fawlty: There, There! It's a P isn't it. Mr Walt: (unwillingly) I suppose so. Basil Fawlty: P. Off. Mr Walt: I beg your pardon? Basil Fawlty: P off! not B. off. Whoever heard of a Bost office?

Sybil Fawlty: And try and find time to put that moose's head on the wall. Basil Fawlty: Yes. Sybil Fawlty: It's been sitting there for two weeks Basil. I don't know why you bought it. Basil Fawlty: It will give the lobby a certain ambiance, it has a touch of style about it. Sybil Fawlty: It has a touch of mange about it. Basil Fawlty: That is not so. Sybil Fawlty: It's got things living in it Basil, it's nasty. Basil Fawlty: It is not nasty, it's superb. Sybil Fawlty: I am not going to argue with you, just get it up out of the way I don't want to snag any more cardis on it.

(talking to a nurse) Basil Fawlty: Why *do* they call you sister? Is it a term of endearment?

Sybil Fawlty: Don't shout at me, I've had a difficult morning. Basil Fawlty: Oh dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmm? Or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears?

Sybil Fawlty: (to Mr O'Reilly, exasperated) I've seen more intelligent creatures than you swimming at the bottom of ponds! I've seen better organised creatures than you running 'round farm yards with their heads cut off!

Basil Fawlty: Next contestant, Mrs Sybil Fawlty from Torquay. Specialist subject - the bleeding obvious.

Basil Fawlty: (to Polly) Oh, it's my fault is it? I thought it was your fault for falling asleep or Manuel's fault for not waking you, and all the while it was * my* fault. Oh, it's so obvious now I've seen the light! Well, I must be punished then, mustn't I? (spanking himself) Basil Fawlty: You naughty boy!

Basil Fawlty: Don't be alarmed, it's only my wife laughing.

Basil Fawlty: Do you remember when we were first *manacled* together? We used to laugh quite a lot. Sybil Fawlty: Yes, but not at the same time, Basil.

Sybil Fawlty: (to a customer who has just given Basil a tip for a horse race) Basil doesn't bet on the horses anymore, (to Basil) do you? Basil Fawlty: No, that particular avenue of pleasure has been closed off. Sybil Fawlty: And we don't want it opened up again, do we? Basil Fawlty: No, you don't dear.

Basil Fawlty: I wish you'd help a bit, you're always refurbishing yourself.

Basil Fawlty: I would find it easier to cope with some of the cretins who come here, my little nest of vipers, if I had a smidgen of cooperation from you. Sybil Fawlty: Cooperation? That's a laugh. The day you cooperate you'll be in a wooden box, I've never heard such rudeness.

Polly: (Basil is raving at Polly about the remodeling fiasco) Well, it isn't my fault! He was supposed to wake me! Basil Fawlty: Who was supposed to wake you? Polly: (pause) It *is* my fault. Basil Fawlty: (shouts) Manuel! I knew it!

Basil Fawlty: (to Sybil, while having dinner) Why don't you have another vat of wine, dear?

Basil Fawlty: Manuel, go and get me a hammer Manuel: Que? Basil Fawlty: A... hammer Manuel: Ahhhhh, a hammer sandwich! Basil Fawlty: Oh, must we go through this every time? A hammer. Manuel: You want to see my hamster? Basil Fawlty: No, not your hamster. How could I knock a nail in with a hamster? Well. I could try, couldn't I? (walks away) Get a hhhammer and hhhit you on the hhhead with it.

Basil Fawlty: (into phone) Hello, Fawlty titties.

Basil Fawlty: Did you ever see that film "How To Murder Your Wife"? Major Gowen: "How To Murder Your Wife"? Basil Fawlty: Yes, awfully good. I saw it six times.

Basil Fawlty: (chasing after Sir Richard Morris, who is leaving) Where are you going? Where are you going? Sir Richard Morris: We're leaving! Basil Fawlty: Oh, don't - please stay - you'll like it here. Sir Richard Morris: I've never been to such a place in my life! (they drive off) Basil Fawlty: (yelling after them) You snobs! You stupid . . . stuck-up . . . half-witted . . . upper-class piles of . . . pus!

Manuel: Are you men? O'Reilly Workman # 1: Of course we're men! Manuel: Are you orilly men? O'Reilly Workman # 1: What? Manuel: Are you orilly men? O'Reilly Workman # 2: I think he's asking if we're the "O'Reilly" men.

Mrs Hamilton: How long have you been married? Sybil Fawlty: Oh, since 1485.

Basil Fawlty: Manuel... my wife informs me that you're... depressed. Let me tell you something. Depression is a very bad thing. It's like a virus. If you don't stamp on it, it spreads throughout the mind, and then one day you wake up in the morning and you... you can't face life any more! Sybil Fawlty: And then you open a hotel.

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