Lois Griffin: Peter, what did you promise me last night? Peter Griffin: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party. Lois Griffin: And what did you do? Peter Griffin: Drank at the stag pa -... Whoa! I almost walked right into that one.
Stewie Griffin: Damn you, vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your wretched womb.
Peter Griffin: You know those Germans; if you don't join the party, they come get you.
Peter Griffin: Holy crip, he's a crapple.
Chris Griffin: Hey, birthday dude! You want some ice cream? Stewie Griffin: Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.
(riding a circus elephant) Peter Griffin: Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a big fat white guy who is threatened by change.
Stewie Griffin: (to ticket agent) Now listen to me... (looks at agent's name tag) Stewie Griffin: Jo-LENE. I've got an army to raise and I must get to Nicaragua. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal AND NO PICKLES. OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES.
Lois Griffin: Peter. You're bribing your daughter with a car? Peter Griffin: Ah, c'mon, Lois, isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"?
Lois Griffin: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me. Peter Griffin: Uh, what could me and you do together? (Lois giggles) Peter Griffin: Lois. You've got a sick mind. Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm talking about making love. Peter Griffin: Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.
Brian Griffin: Hey Bartender! Whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here?
Meg Griffin: Mom! Dad! I'm home! (She looks at the non-Griffins) Meg Griffin: Who are you? Tom Arnold: We're the Griffins! Meg Griffin: No you're not! You're Tom Arnold! And you're Fran Drescher, and you're the fat guy from Boogie Nights. And you're the Olsen twins? Olsen Twin # 1: Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine! Olsen Twin # 2: Who's leg do you have to hump to get a dry Martini around here? (Cut to a hotel where the Griffins stayed) Franescher: Oh Peter, you promised me you wouldn't drink at the stag party. (nasally laugh) Lois Griffin: Oh, I do not sound like that. Oh this is terrible, with the laughingstock in the town, and we lost our daughter!
Prince Adam: (draws Sword of Power) (shouts) I have the power! (becomes He-Man)
Peter Griffin: Gee, Mr Pewterschmidt, you could use some fine strapping young men like us on your schooner. Carter Pewterschmidt: Are you saying I'm gay? Peter Griffin: What? Are you sure you, you, you, you don't want more seamen on, on, on your poop deck?
Lois Griffin: Look, Peter, people! Jorad: Halt! Peter Griffin: Uh-oh! Jorad: I am Jorad. I and my band of highway warriors control this territory. Do you have any food? Peter Griffin: Ah, no, that that's why we're on the road. Jorad: Then you may not pass until you answer the following question. Name something you take on a picnic. Meg Griffin: A blanket! Brian Griffin: Potato salad! Chris Griffin: Chicken! Lois Griffin: Merlot Stewie Griffin: A dead louis! Peter Griffin: Ah, ah, ah, OK, ah, we're gonna go with potato salad. Jorad: Show me potato salad! (points at sky. Peter and Louis look. Jorad and Highway warriors look) Peter Griffin: (whispers) Maybe we should go now. (Peter and Louis back away slowly)
Stewie Griffin: Mm, Florida. Just think somewhere in this state right now Jeb Bush is eating a live puppy.
Peter Griffin: (enters Tom Tucker's room in a wheelchair with his head bandaged) Mr Tucker, I have become crippled. Therefore, I demand people to pay more respect for me and make a made for TV movie about me. And furthermore, I have the very video footage to prove it. (puts the tape into the VCR) Peter Griffin: (on the video) Ah! Oh no! There's a car coming, and it's about to hit me! Oh no! I'm doomed! (cuts to a scarecrow wearing Peter's clothes, which gets hit by a speeding car. cuts to Peter laying on the ground) Peter Griffin: (on the video) Waah! I can't move my legs! I'm crippled! Peter Griffin: There you have it. Tom Tucker: Mr Griffin, I don't see how you can get me to believe that. That was clearly a scarecrow wearing your clothes. And among further inspection, when I freeze-frame it, that's *you* driving the car. Peter Griffin: Well, there's your perp. Tom Tucker: Get out.
Interviewer: (Peter is at a job interview) So, Peter, where do you see yourself in ten years? Peter Griffin: (thinks) Don't say doin' your wife, don't say doin' your wife... (out loud) Doin' your, er ... (sees photo of interviewer on the beach with his wife and son) ... son? (interviewer's shocked expression)
Cleveland: (as Mr T) (shouts) I pity the fool! (normal voice) But I also suggest ways that he may better himself.
(Peter has just taken his first shower after he got all the fat sucked out of him) Peter Griffin: (looks down) I see you. Eh, eh, eh!
Peter Griffin: Uh, hi. We're here to see the Dean. Guardian of the College: Nobody can see the Dean! Not nobody, not no how!
Peter Griffin: (posing as Britney Spears) How about a kiss, Justin? Justin Timberlake: Uh, sure, Britney. (they kiss, and Peter transforms) Justin Timberlake: Aaahh! Peter Griffin: He, he, he, he! I'm Gene Shalit now.
(Stewie and Brian in the mall) Stewie Griffin: 10 bucks. Brian Griffin: Five bucks. Stewie Griffin: Eight bucks and I'll do it. Brian Griffin: Fine. (Stewie goes running through the center courtyard naked) Stewie Griffin: Help! I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me! (Stewie walks back to Brian naked) Ha! I am so outrageous. Gimme the cash. (Stewie starts counting the money) Brian Griffin: Cold in here? Stewie Griffin: Nope, just really small.
Peter Griffin: Hey, let's play a game called "I never". You gotta drink if you never did the thing the person says they did. Cleveland: I got one - I never slept with a woman with the lights on. (everyone drinks) Joe Swanson: I got one - I never slept with Cleveland's wife. (Quagmire and Cleveland drink) Peter Griffin: I never did a chick in the Logan airport bathroom. (Quagmire drinks) Peter Griffin: (later, Quagmire has 20 beers on the table) Oh, God, what else is there? I never gave a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance. Glen Quagmire: Oh, God! Joe Swanson: I never picked up an illegal alien from Home Depot to take me home and choke me while I touch myself. Glen Quagmire: Oh, God! Peter Griffin: Same thing except with a chick from JoAnn Fabrics. Glen Quagmire: Come on this is getting ridiculous! (he passes out) Joe Swanson: Boy, he's out cold. Peter Griffin: Let's write on him!
Glen Quagmire: (while on a raft made out of blow-up dolls) Careful guys, even the slightest prick will pop these things. Gigady.
Lois Griffin: I feel like I've had this void all my life. Like there was a secret hole in me. Glen Quagmire: Oh, God! Lois Griffin: And I was trying to fill that hole with all these expensive things... Glen Quagmire: Ooooh, God! Lois Griffin: And I just enjoyed having all these things filling that hole. Glen Quagmire: Ohhhhhhhhhh, God! Lois Griffin: I guess I'm just going to have to sit back and let the penal system teach me a lesson. Glen Quagmire: That one is also sexual.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm waxed and you're coming in for landing! Glen Quagmire: (off the screen) Gigady!
Peter Griffin: This is even worse then when we went to see the "Vagina Monologues". Talking Vagina: (on stage at a comedy club) You know I heard they're using Jeff Gillooly in the hunt for Osama Bin Laden... Jeff Gillooly. (no laughter) Okay, that one wasn't so fresh, but you knoooow...
Stewie Griffin: (shouts) Oh, my God, Jeremy's still in the trunk! How long has it been? Two weeks. Nope, he's dead.
Peter Griffin: Welcome to the neighborhood! Hi ya, Joe. Joe Swanson: Peter. Peter Griffin: Oh, don't get up. Joe Swanson: This is a surprise, I kinda thought you didn't like me. Peter Griffin: Oh, what? Because of what I said this afternoon? Oh, no, no, no, see I have that disease where stuff just pops out your mouth... Go to hell! Go to hell! Whoop! Heh, see what I mean? (laughs) Joe Swanson: Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought maybe I crossed the line when I asked to borrow a screw driver. Peter Griffin: (moans) Are you kidding? You could barrow whatever you want. Joe Swanson: Great. Say, you don't have any picture wire do you? Peter Griffin: Picture wire? You son of a bitch. Eh, son of a bitch, son of a bitch! Heh, there it goes again. Joe Swanson: I don't want to impose. Peter Griffin: No problem, that's what neighbors do. H-hey you know what else they do? They play on their neighbor's company softball team, like this Saturday. Eh? What do you say neighbor? Eh? Joe Swanson: Sounds like fun. Peter Griffin: Hey, so much fun, it should be a legal, like copyrighted infringement. (Peter's face transforms into Mickey Mouse) Peter Griffin: (in Mickey Mouse voice) Ho-ho! See you at the game Joe, ho-ho!
(Peter is watching a movie) Brian Griffin: (walks into the room) What are you watching, Peter? Peter Griffin: "Passion of the Christ." I tell you Brian - I can't believe that this guy's just lying there taking it. If it was me I would have done something... (cut to Peter as Jesus being whipped by a Roman Guard) Peter Griffin: Aahh! Ahhh! Aaaaahh! Aaahhh! (stops screaming) Peter Griffin: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it! Stop it! Roman Guard: Okay... Peter Griffin: Okay? Roman Guard: Okay... Peter Griffin: All right.
Stewie Griffin: What the hell is this? Lois Griffin: It's your favourite honey, tuna salad. Stewie Griffin: Oh,really, is that what it is? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.
Peter Griffin: (trying to console Cleveland at audition for a Bachelor show coming up) Let's get your clothes off. (takes off Cleveland's shirt and pants) Cleveland: Peter, what is wrong with you? I'm naked. Peter Griffin: (Peter takes off his shirt and pants too) See, now you're not alone.
Cleveland: Hey, baby. How would you like to go black, and then make a difficult decision regarding whether or not to go back?
Brian Griffin: I'm not drunk! I just have speech impediment... (vomits) and a stomach virus... (falls off bar stool) and an inner ear infection.
Little Girl: Ewww! Your breath smells like kitty litter! Stewie Griffin: I was curious!
Brian Griffin: (laughing) Ms Romano: Damn it Julie, I am not shacking up with my boyfriend, I am just going away for the weekend. Schneider: Yeah! All, the a-way! Brian Griffin: Whoo-hoo! Oh, damn Schneider what will you say?
Lois Griffin: Excuse me? Gloria Ironbox: I can't imagine how screwed up your kids must be. Lois Griffin: You... bitch!
Peter Griffin: Yeah which is more than we got from those free loaded Canadians. (blank screen appears) Peter Griffin: Canada sucks.
Stewie Griffin: Okay, I got it, I got it. If you cooked anymore slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer, you need an egg calendar. (laughs) Oh, that's right, I went there. (cut to Happy Go-Lucky Toys, Inc) Peter Griffin: Okay, okay, wait, here's another one. Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to them. (everybody laughs) Man: Good one Peter. Man 2: That's what they're for all right. Lady: Are you telling jokes? I love jokes. Peter Griffin: All right, then you'll love this one, okay. Why do women have boobs? (she stares at him angrily) So you got something to look at while you're talking to them (she's shocked, then Peter laughs) So you got something you look at while you're talking to them (laughs) So you got - Y-you want to see me, Mr Weed?
Brian Griffin: Well, if you want to be a hero right now it might be a good time. Peter Griffin: Geez, Brian, this isn't what I was expecting, I thought being a hero would be all fun and games. Peter Griffin: (cut to Peter with the Justice League) Sorry, Wonder Woman, I got three kings. Now let's see your pair. (Wonder Woman sighs, then removes her bustier) Peter Griffin: (laughs) All right! (looks offscreen) Robin, what are you looking at me for? Look at her.
Peter Griffin: (Brian shows him the Star Wars glass) Hey, hey, what are you doing with my Star Wars glass? Brian Griffin: Illustrating a point. Peter, when Han Solo took the Millennium Falcon to the Cloud City, he found that Lando Calrissian had turned control of the station over to Darth Vader. Lando had forgotten who he was. It was only after Han was encased in carbonite, and taken by Boba Fett to Jabba's palace, that he was able to see the error of his ways. Look inside yourself, you're not a Newport millionaire. I created you. In a way, I am your father. Peter Griffin: (tears break out) That's not true! That's impossible! Damn it, Peter, snap out of it. No! (glass starts to crack)
Lois Griffin : Hey, you, the news is on. Brian Griffin : Oh. Where's everybody? Lois Griffin : Stewie's taking a nap, and Peter and the kids are out. Come sit with me. Brian Griffin : Oh. Okay. (Gets up on couch) (while Lois rubs his skull) Oh. Ho,ho,ho,ho. Diane Simmons : And now, Part 3 of Asian correspond: Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex. Tricia Takanawa : Thank you, Diane. Sex... some people have it anonymously. "What kind of person might do that?" You might ask. Well, I'm about to find out. I just picked a complete stranger in a hotel bar, and he's in the bathroom, possibly doing drugs. Watch as I have sex with this potentiality dangerous man, as we take you in depth and undercover. Glen Quagmire : I never had a Spanish chick before. Ole! Lois Griffin : Oh, it is so refreshing to see something other than violence on the news. (thumping) Brian, your tail keeps hitting me. (thumping stops) Brian Griffin : Oh, it was bothering you, I can stop. Lois Griffin : No, it's okay. That breeze feels good. It's so warm in here. (takes sweater off, then sighs) That's better. Brian Griffin : I-I'd take my sweater off but I'm afraid it's attached to my skin. (laughs) Brian Griffin : Smooth. Lois Griffin : Well, I better go start dinner. Brian Griffin : (sniffing and sigh) Stewie Griffin : Well, well, well. (chews apple) Brian Griffin : H-how long you have been in there? Stewie Griffin : Oh, I came along right about the time, you start pummeling her with your tail. Brian Griffin : You shut up. Stewie Griffin : You love her. Ha! Oh. Oh, this is so good, it just has to be fattening. Brian Griffin : I said, ?Shut up? Stewie Griffin : Oh, by the way, nice rap. (imitating Brian) ?I'd take my sweater off, but I'm afraid it's attached to my skin.? Ha-ha-ha! Imbecile.
Lois Griffin: Peter, did you take care of that... Peter Griffin: What? Oh, my growth! Yeah, I had the doctor looking at it. Doctor: Mr Griffin, that isn't your growth, that's your penis. Peter Griffin: What about the... Doctor: Testicles.
George: (a parody of "The Jetsons": George and Roy are on the dog walking treadmill, a cat appears, Roy chases him) Help! (he falls) Jane! (he falls again) Stop this crazy thing! (he falls again) Ahh! (falls) Help! (falls)
Woman on Tape: We're going to add... (tape interrupts Lois) Lois Griffin: Peter! Peter Griffin: Ahh! Lois Griffin: I know what you've been doing here, and I'm very upset with you. Peter Griffin: Oh. Usually, beautiful women don't turn back into you until I'm finished. Lois Griffin: These tapes are about to be communication. If you want to see a woman acting nasty, you should've told me. (starts taking a bathrobe off) Peter Griffin: This is hot. Lois Griffin: Turn around. Peter Griffin: Lois! This is not what it looks like! She means nothing to me! Lois Griffin: Peter, it's okay. Peter Griffin: Yeah? Lois Griffin: I was trying to be sexy for you. Peter Griffin: Oh, come here you. (starts to rewind) Lois Griffin: You should've told me. (rewinds) You should've told me. (rewinds)
Lois Griffin: Peter, Brian please! Can't you two go back to the way you used to be? (cut to a scene with the same characters, but styled as a 1930s version might look, then cut back to the original scene) Brian Griffin: I'm never going back to the way things were, not after the way I was treated, not after the things I've seen. Chris Griffin: What did you see? Was it breasts? Peter Griffin: Ah, geez, get over it Brian, I mean, how bad you have it here? When I found you, you were nothing but a stray. Brian Griffin: (gasp) You swear, you never speak of that. (cut to flashback of Brian and Peter's first meeting: Brian is washing car windows for change, Peter is passing in his car) Peter Griffin: Uh, no thank you, I just had it cleaned. (Brian starts cleaning window) Peter Griffin: Oh. Ah, geez. Brian Griffin: All set, sir. Peter Griffin: I don't have any change, sorry. Brian Griffin: Oh, that's okay. No charge. Peter Griffin: Wait! Wait! Uh, you're hungry? 'Cause you know, my wife makes this beefaroni casserole, out of this world.
(Stewie builds a dish) Stewie Griffin: (evil laughter) I've done it! (lightning strikes him) Stewie Griffin: Whoa! Oh, goddamn it!
(Brian watches Nova) Man on Nova: After years of study, I discovered the secret to longer life for canes, and that secret is... Man on TV: We interrupt this program for several episodes of "One Day at a Time" Ms Romano: Damn it, Julie, I'm a single mother doing the best damn job she knows how, and damn it Schneider, I ask you to fix that damn sink two days ago. Schneider: Oh, I'll fix your sink Ms Romano, and by "fix your sink" I mean I'll have sex with you, and by "I have sex with you" I mean I'll fix your sink. And by "sink" I mean your reproductive organ. And by, "reproductive organ" I mean the thing between your knee, and by "the thing between your knee"? I... I guess that one's kind of self-explanatory. (Brian hollers, then he crashes on the couch passed out)
Joe Swanson: Wait a second. What about Peter? He's the one who wanted the trophy all along. Peter Griffin: I couldn't have stolen it. Last night I was stealing Joe's ladder so I could steal the trophy tonight. Lois Griffin: Peter! Peter Griffin: What? It's a ladder. He can't use it. That's like taking a watch off a dead guy.
Peter Griffin: Our children our greatest treasure. They deserve a school board president who doesn't leave her feminine ointments in the fridge next to the mustard. That was the worst sandwich I ever ate! She flosses in bed. She snores like a wildebeest. She freed Willie Horton. She nailed Donna Rice. Lois Griffin: Peter, that's enough. Peter Griffin: Eats babies. (crowd applauds)
(watching the sunset) Lois Griffin: Oh, Peter, I love you. Peter Griffin: (looks at watch) Uhh, about a quarter past five.
Joe Swanson: (siren wails) Peter Griffin, we know you're in there! Come out with your hands up! Cleveland: Fooled you! (all but Peter laugh) Peter Griffin: Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this? Joe Swanson: It's the new police surveillance van. We're going on a beer run. Want to join us? Peter Griffin: Nah, I quit drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic. Cleveland: What? Joe Swanson: Oh, my God! Glen Quagmire: Oh, man! Peter Griffin: Fooled you! (laughs) Come on. Let's go drink till we can't feel feelings any more.
Joe Swanson: (Joe is surprised to see fugitive Peter sumo wrestling) Oh, my God! Bonnie Swanson: (off-screen) Did you walk?
Stewie Griffin: Up! Stewie wants to go uppie! Mmm, mama's skin's so soft... Lois Griffin: Oh, aren't you affectionate tonight. Well,let me give you a kiss... Stewie Griffin: Another! Another! Mama has candy kisses! Brian Griffin: All right, that's enough! (laves the table in disgust) Lois Griffin: Stewie... did you unhook mommy's bra?
Peter Griffin: (during a camping trip in a beautiful forest) You know, sometimes I feel like the whole world was made just for me... (cut to the moon control room from "The Truman Show") Control Room Director: You think he's on to us, Christof? Christof: No, he's an idiot.
Man: Say Phil, what do you say to Happy Hour after work? Phil: I'd say looks like Cheryl's gonna have another black eye to explain to the neighbours. (both laugh) Phil: Come on, I'm buyin
Peter Griffin: Lois you know my rule, You are only allowed to sleep with three people besides me, Gene Simmons, John Schneider or Boba Fett. Boba Fett: All right! Goodbye virginity!
Peter Griffin: Huh, I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to? (Scooby-Doo theme plays) TV Announcer: We now return to The Scooby-Doo Murder Files. Fred: Gee whiz, gang. Looks like the killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines and then dumped the body in the river. Velma: Jinkies! What a mystery! Scooby-Doo: (jumps on Shaggy's arms) Arroo! Fred: You're right Scoob, we're dealing with one sick son of a bitch!
Diane Simmons: Our suspect may look something like this. And we have received an anonymous tip with a new lead! Tom Tucker: We now go live with Hispanic reporter Maria J... j... Diane Simmons: Jimenez. Tom Tucker: I know how to say it!
Peter Griffin: Step aside, its time for me to do my fatherly duty. (laughs) I said duty, but no time to laugh about it now.
(Cleveland considers killing Quagmire with a baseball bat, while Meg, Chris, Stewie, Lois, and Emperor Palpatine watch) Emperor Palpatine: Good. Let the hate flow through you. (Lois pushes him to the ground and kicks him) Lois Griffin: You're not helping!
Darren (On Bewitiched) : The power of Christ compels you, bitch!
Peter Griffin: (throwing holy water on Chris) The power of Christ compels you!
Brian Griffin: Well, Peter, if you plan to pull a party out of your ass, you better stand up.
Stewie Griffin: (talking to very old prostitute) So, is there any tread on the tires, or is it like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?
Olivia: You *are* the weakest link. Goodbye. Stewie Griffin: Aha ha ha. Oh, gosh that's funny. That's really funny. Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Mmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show right? Isn't it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And yet, you have taken that and used it out of context, to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. Mmm, that's so fresh too. Any titanic jokes you want to throw at me while we're hitting these at the height of their popularity? Hmm? Cause... I'm here. God you're SO funny.
Teeth # 1: Okay. Teeth # 1: One, two... Stewie Griffin: Ah!
Peter Griffin: Oh, okay, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. Now, a homicidal maniac tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let 'im kill? Brian Griffin: That's, that's not a riddle. That's, that's just terrible. Peter Griffin: Wrong! It's the ugly one.
Stewie Griffin: I don't need to $@%# impress you.
Smurf #1: Yo, Smurf, that party last night was freakin', Smurf! Smurf #2: You bet your smurf it was! Smurf #1: Hey, I saw you leaving with Smurfette. Smurf #2: Yeah. Right when we left the party, she started smurfin' me. Smurf #2: Shut the smurf up! Right in the smurfing parking lot? Smurf #2: Oh, yeah. Smurf #1: That's freakin' smurf! Smurf #2: You betcha. Smurf #1: Freakin' smurf.
Machine: You have 113 new messages (Phone starts to beep) Lois Griffin: Oh my! Old Man: Uh, yeah, I was just wondering, uh... where the newspaper boy was. (beep) Haven't seen the newspaper in a couple days. Wonderin' if he ever gonna come back. (beep) Guess who? Sorry to leave you so many messages. Just lonely here. Thinkin' about the muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news. (beep) Where are you? (beep) Ah, you're starting to piss me off, you little piggly son of a bitch. Call me.
Brian Griffin: You know, Lois, I'm really not comfortable talking about this amelodically.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you've been wearing that giant cowboy hat for eight months now. Please for your family, take it off. Peter Griffin: Hey! I can take this hat off anytime I want. I just don't want to. (Everybody walks Peter to take the hat off) Peter Griffin: Get away!
Brian Griffin: And that's why I'm leaving. Peter Griffin: Leaving? But you can't leave. Brian Griffin: I have to Peter, for me. I love you all. (Everybody was sad) Lois Griffin: Somebody, say something! Stewie Griffin: (running) Brian wait! (He runs up to Brian) Brian Griffin: Hold on a second. (Stewie spits on Brian's nose, leaves) Brian Griffin: Airport please. (Car runs)
Quagmire: Peter, I can remember a dozen times when you've saved our lives (Peter walks through a door holding a sword, like in Pulp Fiction, to his friends tied up and gagged) Peter Griffin: Yeah, too bad I got there after the sodomy.
Peter Griffin: (Peter writing a letter to Fox) If you don't put 'Coach' back on the air i'll be really upset. the skillful acting of Craig T. Nelson will be missed a lot. Signed Peter Griffin. (White-out spills on the paper, making it say "If you don't put Coach back on the air, I'll kill Craig T. Nelson.") Craig T. Nelson: (knocks on the door) Hi, are you Peter Griffin? Peter Griffin: Yes. Craig T. Nelson: (Hands him a pistol) Make it quick.
Chris Griffin: Hey dad, you didn't tell us how we got our house back.
Glen Quagmire's Mom: Here now, have milk. (shows Glen Quagmire her breasts) Glen Quagmire: All right! (starts sucking on her breast)
Stewie Griffin: Why the hell did we get off here? Brian Griffin: My mother lives in Austin. Don't you see? Fate's brought me back here for a reason. I have to find my mother and make peace with her. Stewie Griffin: So, she's in Austin? Eight miles that way? Brian Griffin: Yes. Stewie Griffin: All right. So, instead of driving down this sun-parched highway... we've now got to walk. Brian Griffin: Pretty much. Yeah. Stewie Griffin: You know what this means? Brian Griffin: Yeah.
Meg Griffin: Mom! Chris Griffin: Hahahaha! Nipples! Meg Griffin: That's it! I want those cameras off! Chris Griffin: Fourth wall, you're breaking the fourth wall! Lois Griffin: Meg, you're the one that got us on TV in the first place. Meg Griffin: Well now, I am getting us off TV. (leaves angrily) I quit!
Stewie Griffin: (to Peter) When the world is mine, your death should be quick and painless. (leaves)
Man on TV: Hey! Hey! Get that (beep) camera out of my face! (smashes the glass of the camera)
Peter Griffin: Hey, Mort, let me get a package of condoms. Oh, and I guess I'll need some Excedrin too because Lois has a headache "this big". Hah-hah! Did you see? It's like from the commercial, only I pointed at my junk. Mort Goldman: All right, Peter. That'll be $7.22. Peter Griffin: Oh, jeez, Mort, I didn't bring any money. Mort Goldman: Well, I suppose I could just open up a tab... Peter Griffin: What, you mean I wouldn't have to pay you? Mort Goldman: Well, not right away... Peter Griffin: In that case let me get this stack of Marie Claires, you know, in case I want to rub out the easy one before we start...
Peter Griffin: (throwing his arms up in the air when Lois walks in the door) (shouts) I didn't have my hand down my pants! Lois Griffin: Good for you.
(Neil enters a motel room in a cheaply-made Wolverine costume) Neil Goldman: Am I late for the Q&A? (Lois, nude and made up like Mystique, slams the door shut behind her) Lois Griffin: Yes, but you're just in time for the T&A.
Peter Griffin: (shouts) Rock lobster!
(repeated line) James Woods: Oooh, a piece of candy.
Chris Griffin: (looking through his baby book) Look! There's the broken condom that led to my birth. Lois Griffin: (hugs Chris) Oh, Chris, you're my favorite mistake! Chris Griffin: (turns to Meg) See? (shouts) I'm the favorite!
Stewie Griffin: (Peter is upset, Stewie is trying to cheer him up) Hey... (pats Peter's knee) Hey, big guy... how you doin? Holdin up all right? Want a soda? Oh, screw it. I tried!
Lois Griffin: Peter, why would they make you president? Peter Griffin: Probably because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second. (makes a loud, yelping sound that resembles a dog bark) Lois Griffin: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.
LaDonne: Hi, gorgeous man! Stewie Griffin: Oh, you... Must I lock up your tongue with the rest of the silver? LaDonne: Stewie, this is Jeremy! Jeremy: Hey, little man! (pats him on the head) Jeremy: So you're the guy who's been trying to steal my girlfriend! Stewie Griffin: Wha- you- Girlfriend? Oh, what kind of sick, twisted game are you playing at? LaDonne: Stewie sounds a little cranky. I'll put him to bed. (picks him up) Stewie Griffin: (takes Jeremy's hat as he's carried away) Ha! I've got your hat! Take that, Hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hacky-sack tournee! I'm not going to lie down for some frat-boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal bandits and his Abercrombie & Fitch long-sleeved, open-stitch, crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky-buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded "Simpsons" episodes every night! Yes, we all love "Mr Plow." Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you? (shouts) Stewie Griffin: So does everyone else! That is *exactly* the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at one in the morning! The guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder!
Man: She's a smoking little pistol, isn't she? Peter Griffin: Are you a woman? Man: No. (Peter punches him)
Chris Griffin: See, my dad's smarter than yours. Meg Griffin: We have the same dad, lardo. Chris Griffin: Yeah, but mine's smarter.
John Edward: (Peter is in the audience of "Crossing Over with John Edward") I'm sensing an 'A'. Does your name begin with an 'A'? Peter Griffin: No. John Edward: A 'B'? Peter Griffin: No. John Edward: C? D? E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P... Peter Griffin: P! Peter! My name's Peter! John Edward: Is your name Peter? Peter Griffin: Wow! You are some kind of sorcerer.
Lois Griffin: (talking to Chris) We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object. Peter Griffin: She's right, son. Listen to what it says. Lois Griffin: Peter!
Brian Griffin: Well, Peter, if you pull a party out of your ass you better stand up.
Peter Griffin: Look, you got everything you could possibly want right here, now just eat your cinnamon buns, and stop being a bad dog. Brian Griffin: (gasp) How dare you? How dare you? Peter Griffin: How dare I? How dare I? Where do you think you're going? Brian Griffin: Out. Peter Griffin: Hey, hey you're not going anywhere without your leash. Brian Griffin: I don't need your damn leash and I don't need you! I'm going for a walk. Peter Griffin: Don't worry. He won't get far without this. (holds up spark-plug wires from the car)
Peter Griffin: Even Walt Disney? (Walt Disney draws Minnie) Minnie: Do I, do-do I have to? (crying) Walt Disney: You wanna be a star, don't you? Then take it off! (Minnie tooks her dress off while sobbing) Walt Disney: Yeah, that's nice.
Peter Griffin: Look, you got anything you could possibly want right here, now just eat your cinnamon bun, and stop being a bad dog. Brian Griffin: (gasp) How dare you? How dare you! Peter Griffin: How dare I? How dare I? Were do you think you're going? Brian Griffin: (angrily) Out. Peter Griffin: Hey, you're not going anywhere without your leash. Brian Griffin: I don't need your damn leash, and I don't need you! I'm going for a walk. (shuts door) Peter Griffin: Don't worry. He won't get far without this. (shows something strange)
Brian Griffin: Oh, my god, that was hilarious! Lois Griffin: What does that say into me? Oh, go (beep) yourself Diane. (Brian spits) Stewie Griffin: She said a swear!
Brian Griffin: I'm sorry, I don't do dog shows, that's not my thing.
Peter Griffin: Pack your bags up, the Griffins are heading to Big Apple! Speed Racer: Haha! Did you hear? The Griffins are going to New York. Haha! Man: This is not affecting us all! Haha! Speed Racer: Haha!
Peter Griffin: Oh, you people can kiss the fattest part of my ass.
Stewie Griffin: Ha ha. Oh, this is so good it just HAS to be fattening.
Peter Griffin: NOOOOOO. Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids. Damn longears, trying to take Easter away from Jesus. Anyway, what was that you were saying?
Peter Griffin: 1 million dollars! Lois Griffin: Brian, that sounded like Peter. Peter Griffin: Money, money, money!
Chris Griffin: The government is here! Run, E.T.! Run!
(repeated line) Glen Quagmire: Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy-giggidy!
Lois Griffin: Hello? Peter Griffin: Lois? I can't take out the garbage because they're keeping me late at the office. Lois Griffin: Peter, the caller ID says you're calling from the kitchen. In fact... I can see you. Peter Griffin: Can you see me now? Lois Griffin: No. Peter Griffin: Okay, now I'm at the office.
Peter Griffin: If I'm a child, that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm going to stand here and take this from a pervert.
Peter's Dad: I know what you're doing in there, and it's a sin! God watches you do it all the time, you know! Chris Griffin: God watches me go #2? Ohh, I'm a sinner and God's a pervert.
Brian Griffin: Ah, if my memory serves me, this is the physics department. Chris Griffin: That would explain all the gravity.
Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "OOOOOO". Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.
Baliff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? Peter Griffin: I do... ya bastard.
Adam West: I love this job more than I love taffy, and I'm a man who loves his taffy.
Stewie Griffin: So, what do you think of this "Music Television?"
Tom Tucker: Due to an accident today at the Quahog Cable Company, all television transmissions will be out for an undetermined ammount of time. Of course no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane? Diane Simmons: Well Tom, I just plain don't like black people. (they laugh) Cameraman: You guys, we're still on in Boston. (Tom and Diane stare in horror)
Police Officer: Hey. That's Against the law. You're coming with me. Peter Griffin: (singing to the tune of U Can't Touch this) Ah ah ah. Can't Touch Me/ Can't Touch me/ Ja ja ja ja just like the bad guy/ from Lethal Weapon 2/ I've got diplomatic Immunity/ so Hammer, you can't sue/ I can write graffiti even jay-walk in the streets/ I can Riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teat/ Can't touch me/ Can't touch me/ Adam West: What in God's name is he doing? Peter Griffin: Can't Touch me. Cleveland: I believe that's the worm. Peter Griffin: (still singing) Can't touch me/ STOP, Peter time/ I'm a big shot, there's no doubt/ light a fire then pee it out/ Don't like it, kiss my rump/ Just for a minute, let's all do the bump/ Can't touch me/ Yeah, do the Peter Griffin Bump/ Can't touch me/ I'm Presidential Peter/ Interns think I'm hot/ Don't care if you're handicapped, I'll still park in your spot/ I've been around the world/ from Hartford to Back Bay/ It's Peter, Go Peter, I'm so Peter, Yo Peter, Let's see Regis rap this way/ Can't touch me.
Doctor: Mr Griffin I'm saying you're fine. Peter Griffin: Now what? Are you coming on to me? Lois Griffin: Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you you're healthy. Doctor: ... Can't it be both?
Meg Griffin: You could kill all the girls who are prettier than me. Death: Well that would just leave England.
Li: Stewie, come complete our rainbow. Stewie Griffin: I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."
Janet: Hi. Cookie? Stewie Griffin: Well, it's Stewie, but... you can call me "cookie" if you like. Yes, I also answer to "Artemis, " "Agent Buckwald" and "Snake." Yes, I rather like "Snake." Snake Griffin. (wiggles his tongue like a snake)
Peter Griffin: Now, I know you're a feminist, and I think that's adorable, but this is grown-up time and I'm the man.
Cult Leader: Are you a confused adolescent desperately seeking acceptance from an undifferentiated ego mass that demands conformity?
Stewie Griffin: Mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster. Lois Griffin: Meg, can you change Stewie? Meg Griffin: Fine, but this time if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy.
Peter Griffin: I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together. Announcer: (for Homicide: Life on Sesame Street) This show contains adult content, and is brought to you by the letter H. Bert: (answering phone) Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. (gets out of bed and gets dressed) Bert: Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's. Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert. Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the *damn* bed. Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.
The Pope: Are you sure this is Boston? Peter Griffin: Yeah, its Boston. See look, there's Harvard. The Pope: That's just a barn. Peter Griffin: Ooh. Someone went to Yale!
Joe Swanson: At least I can do this: (singing) ah, ah, ah, AH, ah, ah, ah! Disabled Man: (electronic voice) (monotonous) Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Oh crap.
Diane Simmons: And in entertainment, Mary Tyler Moore is 64 years old today. Tom Tucker: Really? 64? Diane Simmons: Yes! Tom Tucker: Now I thought she was dead. Diane Simmons: Nope, she's alive. Tom Tucker: Fantastic! And now this...
Tom Tucker: And the winning theme for the Harvest Day Parade float is... the episode of "Who's the Boss" where Tony sees Angela naked in the shower.
Peter Griffin: (while peeing into a urinal) Fire! Fire! City Hall is burning. Don't worry, I'll put it out.
Meg Griffin: Oh. Oh, this is just my bird calls. Peter Griffin: Do it again! Do it again! (Meg whistles, Big Bird's footsteps approached) Big Bird: Yeah? Well, what'd you want? Meg Griffin: Uh... Big Bird: You called me, right? Meg Griffin: Oh, no, no I wasn't calling you. (laughs nervously) Big Bird: Oh, oh, this is funny to you? Y-yeah? Y-you know what pain in the ass is to get across town this time a day, huh? Peter Griffin: Listen, uh, but mister we don't want any trouble here. Big Bird: I don't fly you know. I take the subway like everybody else. Oh and people don't stare. You made me puke, (spits) bitch.
Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: (singing) We're off on the road to Rhode Island/We're having the times of our lives Stewie Griffin: Take it, dog. Brian Griffin: We're quite a bit of partners just like Velma and Louise/Except you're not six feet tall/ Stewie Griffin: Yes, and your breasts don't reach your knees. Brian Griffin: Give it time Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We're off on the road to Rhode Island/ We're certainly going in style/ Brian Griffin: I'm with an intellectual who craps inside his pants/ Stewie Griffin: How dare you, at least I don't leave urine stains on all the household plants. Brian Griffin: Oh, pee jokes. Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We've traveled a bit and we fooooound/ Like a masocist in Newport/We're Rhode Island bound. Brian Griffin: Crazy travel conditions huh? Stewie Griffin: First class and no class. Brian Griffin: Whoa, careful with that joke. It's an antique. Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We're off on the road to Rhode Island/We're not going to stop 'till we're theeeere Brian Griffin: Maybe for a beer. Whatever dangers we may face we'll never fear or cry/ Stewie Griffin: Until we're syndicated Fox will never let us die, please! Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We're off on the road to Rhode Island/The home of that old campus swing/ Brian Griffin: We'd like to get some college girls and picnic on the grass/ Stewie Griffin: We'd tell you more but we would have the censors on our ass. Brian Griffin: Yikes! Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin: We certanly do get around/Like a bunch of renegade pilgrims who were thrown out of Plymouth Colony/We're Rhode Island bound/Or like two groups of college freshmen who were rejected from Harvard and forced to go to Brown/We're Rhode Iiiiislaaaaand bouuuuuuuund.
Chris Griffin: I don't have to listen to you! You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Brian Griffin: Ouch!
Jesus: (talking about a gun) Have you ever held one of these? Chris Tucker: Have you ever held one of these? (takes out a joint)
Hooker: Hey Lois Griffin: Peter, there's a hooker in the bed! Peter Griffin: Stand still, Lois. Their vision is based on movement (they stand still) Hooker: Where did you go?
Peter Griffin: (after "Family Guy" returns to Fox with new episodes, after a few years off the air) Everybody, I got bad news. We've been canceled. Lois Griffin: Oh, no! Peter, how could they do that? Peter Griffin: Well, unfortunately, Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows, like "Dark Angel", "Titus", "Undeclared", "Action", "That '80s Show", "Wonder Falls", "Fastlane", "Andy Richter Controls the Universe", "Skin", "Girls Club", "Cracking Up", "The Pitts", "Firefly", "Get Real", "Freaky Links", "Wanda at Large", "Costello", "The Lone Gunmen", "A Minute with Stan Hooper", "Normal, Ohio", "Pasadena", "Harsh Realm", "Keen Eddie", "The Street", "American Embassy", "Cedric the Entertainer", "The Tick", "Louie", and "Greg the Bunny". Lois Griffin: Is there no hope? Peter Griffin: Well, I suppose if all those shows go down the tubes, we might have a shot.
Brian Griffin: (drunk and encouraging Peter's drinking) Go! Go! Go! Lois Griffin: (entering the room) Peter, it's 6 o'clock in the morning! Brian Griffin: Thanks for the update, Big Ben. (Peter and Brian laugh) Lois Griffin: You're drunk again! Peter Griffin: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.
(the eggs in Peter's beard hav just hatched) Peter Griffin: Aww, they look just like the kids. (Pictures Chris's head on the first bird, Stewie's on the second, trys to remember third child, Meg, but can't, imagines Boba Fett's head on the last bird instead) Peter Griffin: Sweeeeet.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, let me guess. Another box with a crank that I turn and turn and turn until... whoo... a clown pops out. Then you laugh, the kids laugh, the dog laughs, and I die a little more inside.
Peter Griffin: Boo Lois, yeah beer!
Tooth #1: I claim this mouth in the name of incisor! Tooth #2: Not so fast! Tooth #1: Ah, bicuspid, we meet again. En garde!
Peter Griffin: I bet I laugh so hard I shoot milk out my nose! Brian Griffin: Uh, Peter, this is Brooke... she's having dinner with us tonight. I went over this with you a few minutes ago. Peter Griffin: (laughs uncontrollably as a torrent of milk from his nose hits Brooke and Brian)
Peter Griffin: (after the British guy explains the rules of Cricket to Peter) Does anyone know what this guy's talking about? Cleveland: The only British idiom I know is that fag means cigarette. Peter Griffin: Then would someone tell this cigarette to shut up!
Death's Mother: Put on a jacket or you'll get frostbite. Death: I don't have any skin. Death's Mother: That's 'cause you didn't eat your beans!
(during the preview for the new action movie about Jesus) TV Announcer: This Christmas, let He who is without sin kick the first ass.
Lois Griffin: (shimmies around) Remember this? Remember? Peter Griffin: Oh yeah that reminds me, I gotta give myself a breast exam. Peter Griffin: (reaches into shirt and feels chest) Oh my God, a lump. A lump, oh no a lump, oh God... No, wait, Cheetoh. (pulls Cheetoh out of shirt and eats it)
Peter Griffin: I didn't give those porn magazines to the kids. The truth is Lois. Lois, Lois, Lois, Ah! Oh, crap. The truth is I love my wife Lois very much. I gave those porn mags to my son. I wanted to teach him about treating women as objects. If anything I don't deserve your respect. Trica Takanowa: Mr Griffin, does this mean that you're not only a bad husband and father but you're a bad school board president? Reporter #2: Will you resign over this? Peter Griffin: Yes, no and screw it, I resign.
Peter Griffin: My dad's worked at that mill for 60 years. That's almost 80 years!
Brian Griffin: Jake brought vodka to the school dance, and Chris got blamed for it, and it's really turn his life upside-down face. (Stewie stares at Brian in disbelief) Tom Tucker: It's no concern to me if it's turned his life upside-down face, Jake's a good boy! Isn't that right, Jake? Jake Tucker: Yeah!
Tom Tucker: In local news, a Buddy Cianci High School student was caught with a lot of cocaine in his locker. He was sentenced to 100 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy. And now we go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast, Ollie. (cuts to Ollie) Ollie Williams: He gonna get it!
Tom Tucker: And now Channel 6 black man Ollie Williams with the weather. Ollie. (cuts to Ollie) Ollie Williams: Issgon' rain!
Brian Griffin: (appalled by the students being stupid) I've never seen anyone be this stupid since Peter took a blow to the head and thought he was Larry from Three's Company! Peter Griffin: Jack, the blondes in the other apartment complex are at my hot tub party! Brian Griffin: What are you talking about? Peter Griffin: Don't worry, I'll make sure Mr Roper still thinks your a-weeeeeeeeeeeeee-ooou (makes a gay pose)
Stewie Griffin: The outrages I have suffered today will not be soon forgotten!
Stewie Griffin: If I choose to make stool in my pants right now, you're the only one here to change me. What do you think of that, hmm? Brian Griffin: I'm not going to change you. Stewie Griffin: What? Brian Griffin: I said, I'm not going to change you. Stewie Griffin: You can't be serious. Well, what if I make a fudgie? Well, I just won't. I just won't, that's all. I just won't. Blast! I just did!
(Peter and his friends have formed a rock band and are performing at a prison) Peter Griffin: (shouting into microphone) Hello, Cleveland! Cleveland: Hello, Peter. Quagmire: (clapping drum sticks together) One, two, three, *four*! Peter Griffin: (small amount of time passes) Oh, my God. We don't know any songs. (prisoners get mad)
Lois Griffin: What happens if Meg develops a coke habit? Peter Griffin: (shouts) No Coke! Pepsi!
God: Let me light that for you, honey. (he points, lights lady's cigarette with lightning bolt) Lady: Wow! God: Yeah, you like that? Magic Fingers... (points again, lightning strikes lady, sets bar on fire) God: Jesus Christ! Jesus: What? God: Get the Escalade! We're Outta Here!
Tom Tucker: How did you manage to blindly rescue that man from that burning building? Peter Griffin: That freaking place was on fire?
(Chris hunts Meg with a "bogger" on his finger and tries to smear it in her face) Meg Griffin: Chris, cut it out! Brian, Chris just picked his nose and he keeps touching me with his finger! Chris Griffin: What good is mining "nosegold" if I can't share it with the townspeople?
(Chris and Meg are fighting over who should have the remote to the TV, and Chris steals Meg's hat and puts it in his pants) Brian Griffin: Hey, aah... You two better settle down... Aah... Chris give Meg her hat... Chris Griffin: I don't have to listin to you! You're a dog! You don't have a soul! Brian Griffin: Ow!
Stewie Griffin: Why the hell did we get off here? Brian Griffin: My mother lives in Austin. Don't you see? Fate's brought me back here for a reason. I have to find my mother and make piece with her. Stewie Griffin: So, she's in Austin? Eight miles that way? Brian Griffin: Yes. Stewie Griffin: All right. So, instead of driving down this sun-parched highway... we've now got to walk. Brian Griffin: Pretty much. Yeah. Stewie Griffin: You know what this means? Brian Griffin: Yeah.
(the audience cheered and applause) Lois Griffin: Oh my god, they liked it? (the audience throws Peter flowers) Lois Griffin: Stop it! Stop clapping right now! (the audience stopped cheering and applause) Lois Griffin: What's wrong with you? These people shouldn't be encouraged, they should be punished! That man has committed murder here this evening, and the victim's name is theater. This is the kind of mind-numbing shlock that's turning our society into a cultural wasteland. This isn't art, this isn't even entertainment. This... blows! (the audience faced on Peter) Peter Griffin: Um... (starts to fart long) (the audience laughs and gives him cheering and applause) Lois Griffin: See, this is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about.
Mr Rogers: Hello, neighbor. I'm glad we're together again. (bell rings) Oh! I think I hear a friend traveling. Stewie Griffin: Actually it's your mortal enemy Stewie. Mr Rogers: W-what the? Stewie Griffin: I wouldn't bother visiting the neighborhood of make-believe today Mr Rogers, I dare say you find it quite in ruins. Mr Rogers: What? (Mr Rogers looks out and all are dead and the cat is on fire) Cat: (meowing) Skin graft! (meowing) Mr Rogers: Oh, my God! Stewie Griffin: That's right! All dead. And now Mr Rogers ? Fred - may as well drop blood formalities - I'm going to kill you anyway! Mr Rogers: No, please... don't! Stewie Griffin: How ironic ? Rogers - it almost rhymes with... eliminate. Mr Rogers: No! (Stewie shoots him many times with his gun) Stewie Griffin: (wakes up) Eh, what, what? What the devil? Lois Griffin: It's okay. Stewie we're just tucking you to sleep. Mr Rogers: But now it's time for you to meet Mr Death. Stewie Griffin: (wakes up from nightmare) Ahh!
(the Jetsons parody) Jane: Oh my God. George. George: (after being on the dog walker) Did you not hear me out there? Elroy: Yeah, you... George: Go to your room, Elroy. Elroy: But... George: (shouts) Go to your room! For 45 minutes I was out there screaming. I know that because my damn watch is broken. Jane: I'm sorry. George: Oh, ?I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Jane is sorry?, I could've been killed.
(Brian has just peed on a Supermarket floor) Peter Griffin: Jeez Brian, where do you think you are, Payless?
Peter Griffin: Joe, I've had new neighbors before but none of them were half the man you are. And since you're half a man already, that splits them into some kind of fraction I can't even measure.
Bob Ross: All right, we are going to use a fan brush here and uh why don't you take some hunter green and we are going to put a happy little bush right down over here in the corner there and that'll just be our little secret and if you tell anyone that that bush is there I will come to your house and I will cut you.
Stewie Griffin: Do these huggies make my ass look big?
Peter Griffin: Chris, everything I say is a lie. Except that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that. And that.
(trying to get a Scout Merit Badge) Chris Griffin: Uh, Dad, maybe we should just give up. I mean, we've tried everything Peter Griffin: Well, we almost got that one for insect study. (cut to Peter & Chris watching a rich family eat) Peter Griffin: Look Chris, it's a whole family of WASPs. Rich Father: My Margaret, what a sub-par ham. Rich Mother: Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table. (pause) Rich Father: (to daughter) Patty, did you know your mother is a whore?
(Brian and Stewie are on a German tour bus) German Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany's contributions to ze arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided. Brian Griffin: Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap. Tour guide: Everyone vas on vacation. On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15... Brian Griffin: Wait, what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and... Tour Guide: We were invited. Punch vas served. Check vit Poland. Brian Griffin: You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany. Tour guide: Nope, nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen. Brian Griffin: A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous. Tour guide: I vill hear no more insinuations about the German people. Nothing bad happened. Sie werden sich hinsetzen. Sie werden ruhig sein. Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland. (You will sit down. You will shut up. You will not insult Germany.) (throws his hand up in a Hitler salute) Brian Griffin: ... uh, is that a beer hall? Tour guide: Oh yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I'm looking for some toilet training books. Salesman: Oh, yes, we can help you there. "Everyone poops" is still the standard, of course. We've also got less popular "Nobody Poops But You". Peter Griffin: Huh... well... you see... we're Catholic so... uh... Salesman: Oh, well then you want "You're a Naughty Child and that's Concentrated Evil Coming Out of the Back of You".
Guy on Street #2: It's 3: 00. Where the hell is Louie? Guy on Street #1: Well, you tell me. Louie left his house at 2: 15 and had to travel a distance 6.2 miles traveling at a rate of five miles a hour. When will Louie get here? Guy On Street #2: Depends if he stops to see his ho. Guy on Street #1: That's what we call a "variable".
Peter Griffin: You remember that time I was supposed to get that boat? Peter Griffin: (cut to previous scene) A boat's a boat, but the mystery box could be anything. It could even be a boat! You know how much we wanted one of those! Lois Griffin: (cut back to present scene) Peter, that happened ten minutes ago.
(while eating a pancake) Stewie Griffin: Oh. Mmm, yes. Oh, God, this is better than *sex*.
(Quagmire tries to hit on some women at a lesbian bar) Glen Quagmire: Hey, any of you ladies been penetrated?
(looking at himself in a spoon) Tom Tucker: I'm sorry but there's a handsome man in my spoon. You'll have to come back later.
Lois Griffin: What's going on? Stewie Griffin: We're playing house. Lois Griffin: The boy is all tied up. Stewie Griffin: Roman Polanski's house.
Stewie Griffin: (after Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style") Damn you, damn the broccoli, and damn the Wright Brothers.
Stewie Griffin: Damn you! Damn the broccoli! Damn the Wright Brothers!
(the Griffins have inherited a mansion. Stewie is being waited on) Stewie Griffin: You. Cut my eggs. (waiter cuts his eggs) Waiter: Your eggs are cut sir. Stewie Griffin: Now cut my milk. Waiter: Uh, I can't sir, it's liquid. Stewie Griffin: (slaps him) IDIOT. Freeze it, then CUT it. And if you ever question me again, I shall put you on diaper detail. And believe me, I will not make it easy on you.
(at a job interview) Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years? Peter Griffin: (thinking to himself "Don't say doing your wife. Don't say doing your wife.") Doing your, uh, son...
Stewie: (plucks a banjo) Oh! I feel so delightfully white trash! Mummy, I want a mullet!
(an extremely obese Peter and Brian are sitting on the dock) Boy: Daddy, what's that? Father: Well son, that's Mercury, the closest planet to the sun. What it's doing down here on the wharf I haven't the foggiest, we should probably go ask a scientist. Peter Griffin: I'm a man jackass.
Chris Griffin: Yo, did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah, I was looking to break off a little somethin' somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.
Brian Griffin: I'm really enjoying playing golf. Peter Griffin: You know my great-great-grandfather Angus Griffin invented the game. (flashback) Angus Griffin: So, we're all clear on the rules then. No Jews and no blacks. Scottish men: Aye.
Stewie Griffin: Yes, I rather like this God fellow. He's very theatrical, you know, a pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence. Gotta get me some of that.
Peter Griffin: Dad, now that you're retired, you're staying with us. No arguments, I'm putting my foot down. Francis Griffin: I don't want to be a bother. Peter Griffin: It's no bother, is it Lois? Lois Griffin: Of course not, we'd love to have you stay. Francis Griffin: You're a good woman, Lois. Perhaps you won't burn in Hell after all. Maybe you'll just go to Purgatory with all the unbaptized babies. Peter Griffin: You hear that Lois? You love kids.
Peter Griffin: Say, what happened to the car wash thief? Joe Swanson: Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him. Peter Griffin: Looks like you got more competition at next year's special people's games, huh? Joe Swanson: Nope, he's dead.
Jim: What did you just call me? Huck Griffin: I thought that was your name. Jim: That is our word. You have no right to use it. Huck Griffin: Hey hey hey, I'm cool, I'm cool, no problem! (pause) Huck Griffin: So, could you pass me the oar, 'n-word Jim'? Jim: Thank you.
Peter Griffin: Well, fine. Until you put 'Gumbel 2 Gumbel' back on the air, I'm going on a hunger strike. Can you live with that? Huh, can you?" (brief pause) You gonna eat that stapler? Network executive: Mr Griffin, you can't eat a... Peter Griffin: Wanna split it?
Newsanchor Diane: Tom, you're so deep in the closet you're finding Christmas presents.
(Brian and Chris try to sneak into a fair by wearing a horse suit) Ticket Seller: Wait a minute... your ass just sneezed. And horses can't talk. No, no... nothing here adds up at all.
Stewie Griffin: (to Peter) You. You are the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber. (to Lois) Stewie Griffin: And you... well, I just plain don't like you.
Stewie Griffin: (Picking up the phone) Hello, operator. Hello... Oh god, that's right you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. Uhhh, I should know this. Oh yes, (dialing number) 867-5309, yes that's it. Wait that's not it, damn you Tommy Two-Tone. Huh, only one thing to do 111-1111, Lois? Damn. 111-1112 Lois? DAMN. 111-1113...
(Brian and Peter are putting a crib together) Brian Griffin: Okay, insert rod support A into slot B. Peter Griffin: That's what... Brian Griffin: If you say "that's what she said" one more time, I am gonna pop you.
(the Millennium Bug has just hit, causing planes to fall from the sky, nuclear bombs to detonate, etc) Peter Griffin: Holy crap... Did anyone else feel that?
Brian Griffin: Face it Peter, you get competitive about everything. Peter Griffin: I am so not competitive. In fact, I am the least non-competitive. So I win.
Glen Quagmire: The Griffins. Bunch of card-carrying Commies if you ask me. All right.
Peter Griffin: Do you have any past injuries, physical anomalies? Peter Griffin: Well, I didn't have gas for the first time 'til I was 30. (flashback to Peter in the 1970s, sitting on a beanbag reading) (farting noise) Peter Griffin: What the hell was that?
Lois Griffin: Peter, where's Chris? Chris Griffin: I love you She Hulk. Security Guard: All right son, I'm going to need those two hams back. Chris Griffin: I... I don't have any hams. Security Guard: Lift up your shirt son. Chris Griffin: I need an adult. I need an adult. Security Guard: You're not a shoplifter, you're just a fat kid. Sorry about that fatty, fat, fatty. Hey Tom, he's just a fat kid. Aren't ya fatty? He's a big ol' fat kid. Here's some chocolate fatso. Chris Griffin: Thanks.
Peter Griffin: (singing) Lois makes me take the rap/'Cause our check book looks like crap/Since I can't give her a slap/I need a Jew.
Max Weinstein: Hello. My car broke down. Can I use your phone? Peter Griffin: (singing) Now my troubles are all through/I have a Jew. Max Weinstein: Hey!
Peter Griffin: Nothing else has worked this far / So I wish upon a star / Wonderous shining speck of light / I need a Jew / Lois makes me take the rap / Cause our checkbook looks like crap / Since I can't give her a slap / I need a Jew / Where to find / A Baum or Steen or Stein / To teach me how to whine and do my taaaaaxesss... / Though by many they're abhorred / Hebrew people I've adored / I don't think they killed my Lord / I need a Jew.
Old Man: Hey, muscly arm, why the long face? Chris: It's this girl. I can't talk to her. It's like girls are a different species or something. Old Man: Who needs them? You like Popsicles? Chris: Well, sure. Old Man: Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of Popsicles. Chris: No, thanks. I gotta get going. Old Man: Don't make me beg now. Chris: You're funny. Bye. Old Man: Get your fat ass back here.
Peter Griffin: Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood. Brian Griffin: The Bradys? Peter Griffin: Oh, hell yeah. They got robbers, thugs, drug dealers ah, you name it. (Aunt Jemimah pops up in the window with a plate of pancakes) Aunt Jemimah: You folks want some pancakes? Peter Griffin: No thank you. See, that's the worse we got is, uh Jemimah's Witnesses.
Peter Griffin: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you, very homosexually.
(showing his crotch to Peter) Glen Quagmire: Does this look like a Q to you?
Peter Griffin: Oh, I hate it when your mother worries. She usually says things like "I told you so" and "Stop doing that, I'm asleep."
Diet Institute Worker: Sir, you can't park your van in here. Peter Griffin: Hey, that's my kid. Diet Institute Worker: Oh sorry. Diet Institute Worker: Hey, don't worry, it's just a really fat kid.
Stewie Griffin: For God's sake, shake me. Shake me like a British nanny.
(Stewie and Brian are trying to sleep in a motel, a drug deal is heard in the next room) Drug Buyer: You got the stuff? Drug Dealer: Yeah I got it, where's the money, huh? I wanna see the money. Drug Buyer: No, no, no, you don't see the money 'till I see the stuff. Stewie Griffin: Oh, for God's sake, there's only one way to put an end to this nuisance. (yelling) Stewie Griffin: HE'S WEARING A WIRE! Drug Dealer: What? You son of a... (gunshots are heard following by a "body drop" sound effect)
Peter Griffin: (clearing his throat) Excuse me but I'm pretty sure the north won the war. (dead silence)
Army Captain: (while trying to take over Peteoria) As you may presently yourself be fully made aware of, my grammar sucks.
Peter Griffin: (as a swim coach) Great workout, Bobby! Bobby: Up yours, sackbreath. Peter Griffin: That's *Mister* Griffin.
Chris Griffin: Alright, dad! Fight the machine! Stewie Griffin: How does he know about the machine?
Lois Griffin: Peter-Everybody, I got bad news, we've been cancelled. Lois-Oh, no, Peter, how could they do that! Lois Griffin: Peter-Unfortunately Lois, there's just no more room on the schedule. We just have to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like Dark Angel, Titus, Undeclared, Action, That 80's Show, Wonderfalls, Fastlane, Andy Richter Controls the Universe, Skin, Girls Club, Cracking Up, The Pits, Firefly, Get Real, Freaky Links, Wanda at Large, Costello, The Lone Gunmen, A Minute with Stan Hooper, Normal, Ohio, Pasadena, Harsh Realm, Keen Eddie, The Street, American Embassy, Cedric the Entertainer, The Tick, Louie, and Greg the Bunny. Lois-Is there no hope? Peter Griffin: Peter-Well, I suppose if ALL those shows go down the tubes we might have a shot...
Lois Griffin: Chris where have you been? Chris Griffin: Dad took me to see a plastic surgeon to have liposuction but I didn't have it done. Lois Griffin: Good for you Chris. That was a very grown-up decision. I mean what kind of egomanical pretentious jerk gets liposuction. Peter Griffin: (in a very sexy voice) Hello!
Peter Griffin: We're going to grandpa Griffin's retirement party. Meg Griffin: But we haven't seen grandpa in a long time. Lois Griffin: Well, Meg your grandfather isn't comfortable with me since I'm not a catholic. (Flashback to Peter and Lois's wedding where a sign on their car reads "Just Married" and spray painted underneat the sign reads "To a prodastant whore)
Peter Griffin: Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white man's dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.
Chris Griffin: Where do you think you go when you die? Southern boy: I learned from church that if you're good you go to heaven but if you're bad, you go to a place where the dead believe they're still living and they pray for death but death won't come. Chris Griffin: UPN?
(Peter is receiving communion) Peter Griffin: Wow, is that really the blood of Christ? Preacher: Yes. Peter Griffin: Wow, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh?
(Peter is trying to potty-train Stewie) Peter Griffin: You know, I oughta just give you some beer. Goes straight through you. Stewie Griffin: (sarcastic) Wonderful. And while we're at it, we can light up a doobie and watch porn. Peter Griffin: Eh... yeah?
Lois Griffin: Peter, Stewie peed on the carpet again. Peter Griffin: Do... do I rub his nose in it?
Peter Griffin: Since I took over as President our profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. Alyssa Milano: Of all the cheap shots... Joel! Joel: I'm on it, I'm on it, I'm suing, I'm suing.
(Charles Lindbugh has just accidentally flushed his baby down the toilet while potty training) Charles Lindburgh: OK, don't panic. He was kidnapped. You go phone the police, I'll write the note. Mrs Lindburgh: (pointing at Amelia Earhart) But what about Amelia? She saw everything. Charles Lindburgh: You leave her to me...
Stewie Griffin: Yea and God said to Abraham, "You will kill your son Isaac." And Abraham said, "I can't hear you, you'll have to speak into the microphone." And God said, "Oh I'm sorry, Is this better? Check, check, check... Jerry, pull the high end out, I'm still getting some hiss back here."
Glen Quagmire: Hi, Meg. Eighteen yet? Meg Griffin: No. Glen Quagmire: (Turns to Chris) Hey Chris, how's it going?
Glen Quagmire: Tuesdays in the '80s I was always in bed by 8... and home by 11.
(Peter and his new "posse" have just come in the door) Peter Griffin: Go in the kitchen and make yourselves some sandwiches. Lois' Father: My jacket's in there, please don't write on it.
Peter Griffin: So if I walk through you, does that mean that we've, you know, done it? Ghost: Geez, what's with you and the gay jokes?
(Peter has to come up with a fake name on the spot, so he looks around the room to get inspiration) Peter Griffin: Uh... my name is... (he sees a pea) Pea... (he sees a woman crying) ... tear... (he sees a Griffin fly by) ... Griffin. Peter Griffin.
Peter Griffin: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be? Glen Quagmire: Taylor Hanson. Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy. Glen Quagmire: (Laughs) You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire." Peter Griffin: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire. Glen Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible. (pause) Glen Quagmire: Oh god. Oh my god. I've got all these magazines. Oh god.
Peter Griffin: Hey, where's my VCR? Hillbilly #1: Dangit, Buck, it's my turn to use the sex box. Hillbilly #2: It's *my* sex box. And her name is Sony.
Peter Griffin: What's wrong, Stewie, don't you wanna pee in the toilet bowl like a big boy? Boy I remember when I learned to use a potty all by myself. I was so proud. (Flashbacks to one year ago) Peter Griffin: (Zips up pants) Hey Lois, I did it.
Peter Griffin: Lois, our son has been blessed with a great gift. And I am going to everything I can to nurture that talent and help him succeed, then I'm going to use him to live out all my frustrated hopes and dreams. Because that's good parenting, right Bing Crosby? Bing Crosby: That's right Peter, and if your kids give you any lip you can beat them with a sack of sweet Velency Oranges. They won't leave a bruise and it'll let 'em know who's boss, there's nooo doubt about it. Peter Griffin: That... That doesn't sound right. Bing Crosby: Are you givin' me lip boy? Because I'll take this belt off and put the smack down on you, is that what you want? (takes his belt off and whips Peter a few times)
Stewie Griffin: Oh, I must give you my e-mail address. It's loismustdie, all one word, at yahoo dot com.
(Hanson has showed up, asking to use the phone) Peter Griffin: Oh my god. It's the Children of the Corn.
(Stewie has run away and Brian discovers this note) Stewie Griffin: Dear Stupid Dog, I've gone to live with the children on Jolly Farm. Good-bye forever, Stewie. P.S.- I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the 30-day return limit, but I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. It's actually not a horrible sweater, it's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it, you know? Oh and I also left a button on the bureau, um I'm not sure what it goes to but um I, I can never bring myself to throw a button away, I know as soon as I do, I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll, wait a minute actually could it have been from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm. Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again good-bye forever. PPS- You know what, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater.
Tom Tucker: Now let's go to Greg The Weather Mime. OK... it's going to be cold... lots of wind... and it looks like parents are going to throw human fecal matter from the rooftops onto their children... oh, GOD. That's awful. No wait, it looks like rain. Yes, rain.
Cleveland: Oh Quagmire, you are what the Spanish call, "El Terrible".
(Peter has just been offered a directing job, and has a daydream where, as a Hollywood big-shot, he falls off the balcony of his clifftop mansion, loses his robe, and crashes naked through the roof of the house of a Mexican family) Mexican Husband: ¿Quién es esto? (Who is this?) Mexican Wife: Él es la respuesta a mis oraciones. (He is the answer to my prayers) Mexican Husband: ¿Por qué? (Why?) Peter Griffin: I love Mexicans! I'll do it!
(Peter makes a joke during a Christmas play) Spectator #1: Outrageous! How dare he say such blasphemy! I've got to do something! Spectator #2: Bob, there's nothing you can do. Spectator #1: Well, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.
Chris Griffin: Dad, there's a guy outside who says I can't go to school. Peter Griffin: Yeah? Him and what army? Chris Griffin: The U.S. Army. Peter Griffin: ... that's a good army.
Bad Cockroach: Man, I'm going to cut you up so bad, that you... you gonna wish I didn't cut you up so bad.
Brian Griffin: She's a whiney little runt isn't she? (Lois gasps) Brian Griffin: I said runt.
Glen Quagmire: Don't look at me like that. Fat chicks need love too... but they got to pay.
Glen Quagmire: Fat chicks need lovin too, but they gotta pay.
(looking at whales) Chris Griffin: Dad, what's the blowhole for? Peter Griffin: I'll tell you what it's not for. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.
Stewie Griffin: Forecast for tomorrow; A few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom.
Stewie Griffin: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch.
(Peter gets fired) Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, the lost my job smells great. Hey, Meg, could you pass me the fired my ass for negligence? Lois Griffin: Peter, are you OK? Peter Griffin: Great. I haven't got a job in the world.
Stewie Griffin: Mother, life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. Your life, on the other hand, is like this box of ACTIVE GRENADES! Lois Griffin: (oblivious) Oh, you want you toy back. Here yo go. (Gives Stewie his Ray-Gun toy) Stewie Griffin: Yes... well... VICTORY IS MINE! (he runs off - the sound of the grenades exploding is heard) Stewie Griffin: BLAST!
Stewie Griffin: You. Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death.
Peter Griffin: If I wasn't so sure you were a lesbian, I'd say you were coming on to me.
Peter Griffin: (giving a speech running for school board) This is life so go and have a ball. Because the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have... my opening statement. Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.
Stewie Griffin: (Brian is reading the newspaper) Look where my hand is. I say, look where my hand is. It's in a very naughty place. Stewie Griffin: (Brian puts the paper down, Stewie's finger is in his nose) Does this not disgust you? Brian Griffin: Kid, you're talking a guy who uses his tongue for toilet paper.
(Stewie reads a card and discovers his name written inside as the sender) Stewie Griffin: Did you forge my name? How dare you. Is this backwards "S" supposed to be cute? Oh, I'm going to crap double for you tonight.
Gene Simmons: Someone kidnapped Santa? That does not rock.
(Quagmire sees a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall) Glen Quagmire: Dear diary: Jackpot.
William Shatner: Now men, we are about to go on a very dangerous mission. It is highly likely that one of you will die. The crew that will go with me are Spock, McCoy and Ensign Ricky. Ensign Ricky: Aw crap.
Peter Griffin: At least they don't put their feminine ointments next to the mustard, Lois. That was the worst hot dog I ever ate.
Peter Griffin: : It's just like Special K. But what do they do with regular K? And for that matter, what happened to Kay Ballard? You know, if you said Mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like Ballard. Brian Griffin: Do you ever listen to yourself talk? Peter Griffin: I drift in and out.
Brian Griffin: Do you listen to yourself when you talk? Peter Griffin: Eh, I drift in and out.
(Meg walks in on Quagmire with a hooker) Glen Quagmire: Hey, Meg, you just bought me another three minutes. Giggidy giggidy giggidy.
Lois Griffin: Stewie, why don't you go play in the other room? Stewie Griffin: Why don't you just go to hell? Lois Griffin: Well, no dessert for you, young man.
(Peter has plastic surgery) Brian Griffin: Hey, pal, you just can't walk in here, and, holy crap, it's Peter.
Peter Griffin: Oh, and sorry about that comment earlier. I have that disease that makes you swear involuntarily. Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch. Sonofabitch. See?
(Peter forms his own country) Peter Griffin: I call it... Petoria. I was going to call it Peterland, but that gay bar by the airport took it.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials.
Meg Griffin: Wow, Chris, did you lose weight? Chris Griffin: Well, I've been working out all week. Meg Griffin: You look wicked skinny. I'm like, jealous. Chris Griffin: Thanks, Meg. I'm jealous of your mustache. Meg Griffin: (freaked) I don't have a mustache... do I?
(Peter has accidentally unleashed the 10 plagues) Peter Griffin: There has to be some explanation for this. Brian Griffin: You want an explanation? (slaps Peter) GOD (slaps Peter) IS (slaps Peter) PISSED.
(during a company sexual harassment training video) Narrator: Remember, nothing says "good job" like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.
Chris Griffin: God's watching me do number two? Oh man, I'm a sinner, and God's a pervert.
(the family is planning a vacation) Peter Griffin: We could always go to purgatory like we did last year. (flashback) Lois Griffin: This isn't bad. It's not good, but it's not bad. Brian Griffin: So so. Peter Griffin: More or less.
Peter Griffin: I haven't cleaned since Bounty dropped me as their spokesman. (flashback) Peter Griffin: So Rosie, I just spilled this glass of warm yellow liquid on the counter and you're telling me that Bounty can pick it up in five seconds? Spokesperson: What the hell is that? Peter Griffin: Five seconds... Spokesperson: Is that? Peter Griffin: Four seconds... Spokesperson: It smells like... Peter Griffin: Three seconds... Spokesperon: That's... Peter Griffin: CLEAN MY PEE.
(at a rehab center) Peter Griffin: YEAH. I'm also addicted to boobies.
Stewie Griffin: This isn't the first time my small stature has hindered my plans. (flashback) Auctioneer: Item 157... Global Domination. Enslave the human race. Do I have any bids? Stewie Griffin: OOH. OOH. ME. ME. Auctioneer: I'll take any bids. $1. Enslave the human race for $1? Stewie Griffin: BEHIND THE FAT CHICK. OOH. OOH.
Diane Simmons: Our top story tonight, I have been cast as the lead in the Quahog Players' production of The King And I. Tom Tucker: In other news, I wont be going to the play because I'm sure it will be lousy. Diane Simmons: This just in: Tom, you're such a closet case. Tom Tucker: We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?
Judge: I find you guilty of arson, so you are free to go... straight to jail. HA. Now YOU got burned... No bail.
Young Peter Griffin: Why did all the dinosaurs die out? Museum Curator: Because you touch yourself at night. (Peter looks down in shame)
(looking around at a posh rehab clinic) Peter Griffin: This is the kind of place God would go to if He had to stop doing blow.
Lois Griffin: He's figured out how to get the twinkie. Chris Griffin: Ha ha. I'm turning you into poo.
(at Peter's imaginary version of Cheesy Charlie's) Kid: I have 13 tickets, is that enough? Clerk: I'm sorry, Timmy. You need 15 tickets to live.
(watching The Brady Bunch) Dad: Greg, I'm afraid you've earned four hours in the snake pit as punishment. And Jan, for tattling on your brother, you've earned a day in the chamber of fire.
(Stewie is about to be given an injection against his will, so he grabs something from the equipment trolley and threatens the nurse) Stewie Griffin: Come any closer and I'll cut her! (realizes he's holding a tongue depresser) Stewie Griffin: I'll give her a series of splinters... that could become infected.
(during a fishing trip) Peter Griffin: Man, some trip this turned out to be. All we caught is a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of clichés.
Kevin: Dad, the fish got away. Joe Swanson: The hell it did. You get in there and you kick that fish's ass.
Lois Griffin: I'm sorry that Stewie ruined your books. Here, I brought you some of Peter's. Brian Griffin: 'Mr T' by Mr T. 'T and Me' by George Peppard. 'For The Last Time, I'm Not Mr T' by Ving Rhames. (shudders)
Stewie Griffin: (hitting on some co-eds) I must say, the most recent campus sporting event was quite spectacular. Co-ed: Aw. Are you in a fraternity, little boy? Stewie Griffin: Not yet, but I'm thinking of joining I Felta Thigh.
(Meg is trying to get the boy next door to notice her) Lois Griffin: Meg, you're a sweet, beautiful girl, he'll come around. Meg Griffin: That's such a mom answer. Lois Griffin: Well, have you tried showing off the goods? How's that for a mom answer? Meg Griffin: Creepy.
Peter Griffin: People make up lies all the time. You know Vietnam? Never happened. Brian Griffin: Yeah, but don't mention it around the Veteran's Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.
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