(Peter has bought an sexy version of a relationship tape) Lois Griffin: $49.95? Are you sure we can afford this? Peter Griffin: Lois, our relationship can not be measured in nipples and dimes... nickels and boobs... money. (runs off)
Lois Griffin: Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts. Peter Griffin: OH MY GOD. (runs off crying)
(a fat Stewie is sitting on the porch) Stewie Griffin: Damn you, ice cream, come to my mouth. How dare you disobey me! (to passersby) Stewie Griffin: What are you looking at, you infantile stupid? That's right, damn you and such.
Brian Griffin: Look at you. You spent all that time making Chris jealous and now you have an eating disorder. Stewie Griffin: Help me up. Brian Griffin: I would but my doctor advised me against heavy lifting.
Waitress: Here you go, fella. From Flappy himself. Stewie Griffin: I don't care if they... (Stewie is force-fed a bite of pancakes) Oh... oh these are delectable. Hey, Flappy. Good news. I've decided not to kill you.
Peter Griffin: I only drank so that the Statue Of Liberty would take her clothes off.
(Peter and Brian are touring the Pawtucket Brewery) Peter Griffin: Wow, it's like I died and went to heaven, then God realized it wasn't my time yet, so He sent me back to a brewery.
(Peter tries to get a gay photo of Luke Perry) Peter Griffin: Oh, jeez, I spilled wine all over your shirt. You know what's good for getting stains out? Sex with another man.
Chris Griffin: Dad, can you help me with my math homework? Peter Griffin: Math. Math my dear boy is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
Glen Quagmire: Baby, if I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put 'U' and 'I' together.
Stewie Griffin: Jeffrey. Take the 4.20 from Hounslow out of your mouth.
Peter Griffin: Yes, we all enjoy the Bible in this house! Francis Griffin: Really? What's your favorite book of the Bible? Peter Griffin: Ah... um... ah... the one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital?
Chris Griffin: I never knew anyone who went crazy before, except for my invisible friend, Col Schwartz.
Peter Griffin: Lois, When I'm through with them, our kids will be so smart, they'll be able to program their own VCRs without spilling piping hot gravy all over myself.
Meg Griffin: Dad, if I don't get my driver's license, I'll never have any boyfriends, I'll never get married and I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell. Peter Griffin: Meg... are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive?
Lois Griffin: Meg... is that a real Prada bag? How did you make $1100 as a waitress in a week? Meg Griffin: It's easy... when you're the unwed teenage mother of a crack-addicted baby. Ha ha ha ha... Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Meg. When did you become a teenager? Lois Griffin: Peter, she's sixteen. Peter Griffin: You KNEW about this?
Meg Griffin: Mom, there's no way I'm sleeping in Chris's room this weekend. It smells like old milk in there! Chris Griffin: Hey, if I could find it, I'd clean it up.
(Death holds up a document that Peter doctored to proclaim he was dead to avoid having to pay his medical bills) Peter Griffin: Where did you get that? Death: It was e-mailed to me by your HMO.
Peter Griffin: Lois told me to clean the windows, wash the siding, and clean the gutters. To most normal guys, that's three jobs. To Peter Griffin and his big hose, that's one job. Cleveland: You're not working hard, Peter. You're working smart.
(Peter is ordering from a fast food restaurant) Peter Griffin: Yeah, I'd like 6, 000 chicken fagitas, please? Yeah, 6, 000 chicken fagitas. Brian Griffin: And a "so-sage" McBiscuit, please?
Brian Griffin: I'm just a dog, Lois. A stupid dog. (to the bartender) Vodka stinger with a whiskey back and step on it.
(watching a porno that was accidentally taped over) Narrator: The Statue Of Liberty, originally... Peter Griffin: Oh, NO! My kid must have taped over it for History class! Peter Griffin: Oh no. What do we do? What do we do? Peter Griffin: We'll drink till she's hot. Glen Quagmire: Hey, that's just crazy enough to work!
(watching a news report about Peter's old teacher who is getting his students to toss endagered condor eggs off the school roof) Lois Griffin: Oh my god. He's going to wipe that species off the face of the earth. Peter Griffin: Nah, the janitor will take care of that.
Glen Quagmire: Who wants to play drink the beer? Peter Griffin: Right here. (drinks beer) Peter Griffin: What do I win? Glen Quagmire: Another beer. Peter Griffin: I'm going for the high score. Glen Quagmire: Actually, Charlie's got the high score. Charlie: Hey man, your clock won't flush.
Lois Griffin: Oh, I hate these high-pressure sales situations. Peter Griffin: Oh, that's so cute! You're just afraid that because you're a woman you're gonna do something stupid, like buy that time-share or not realize that your husband taped over our wedding video with soft-core cable porn. Lois Griffin: You taped over our wedding video? Peter Griffin: Just the boring stuff.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you're drunk again. Peter Griffin: No, I'm just exhausted because I've been up all night drinking.
(the cable television transmitter was knocked out) Tom Tucker: Diane, that last report was so good, you deserve a spanking. Diane Simmons: Oh, Tom... I don't think your wife would like that. Tom Tucker: My wife is a bitter old hag, she's in Quahog and cant hear a word we're saying. Director: Uh, guys, we're back on in Quahog.
Brian Griffin: The ol' alma matter. I tell you, there's something magical about Brown. Chris Griffin: Brown's the color of poo. AHHAHAHAHAHA. Brian Griffin: Yes, it is.
Lois Griffin: This can be a great opportunity for you and Stewie to bond. Peter Griffin: Bond... James Bond. I'll do it.
Peter Griffin: Brian should be allowed to see his puppies. Carter Pewterschmidt: Peter, Think about what you are doing. Peter Griffin: I am, Your honor Brian will be a great dad. Hell if I were half the parent Brian is, I'd know that Chris' favorite ice cream is... Brian Griffin: Chocolate Chip. Peter Griffin: and Stewie's favorite bedtime story is... Brian Griffin: Good Night Moon. Peter Griffin: and Meg's real father's name is... Brian Griffin: Stan Thompson.
Lawyer: Madame Pewterschmidt's passing was a tragedy. Peter Griffin: Yes, it was. Come on, what did we get? (really fast) Big money big money big money big money no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy no whammy STOP.
Stewie Griffin: They're getting nude! I mustn't watch, it's not the proper thing to... Wow! I say, nice ones, Janine! And look at Lisa in all of her curvaceous glory! Heavens, it appears that my weewee has been stricken with rigor mortis!
(Lois' aunt pays a visit) Lois Griffin: Peter, it's only for a week. Peter Griffin: A week? No no no no no please god kill me now no no damn damn crap damn it to hell son of a bitch ass ass bastard. Lois Griffin: PETER. Peter Griffin: Lois, sometimes it's OK to swear.
Stewie Griffin: Mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen Hayes once said, "I'm going to kill you."
Stewie Griffin: Am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here.
(watching a baseball game) Stewie Griffin: Why does that man drop his club before he runs? I would bring it with me.
Lois Griffin: So he just left without saying anything? Peter Griffin: All I asked him to do was buy some peanuts and cracker jacks. Brian Griffin: I don't care if he ever gets back. I wasn't being cute. I really hope he's dead.
Lois Griffin: Brian, could you pass the TV Guide? Brian Griffin: Piss off. Lois Griffin: What? Brian Griffin: Oh, I'm just a little testy because of the lack of... STOP STARING AT MY TAIL.
Chris Griffin: Cheesy Charlie's is great. They have a game where you put in a dollar and you get four quarters. I win every time.
Chris Griffin: Dad, what if I told you I didn't want to be in the Scouts anymore? Peter Griffin: I'd say "come again?" Then I'd laugh because I said "come."
Peter Griffin: Ha ha ha ha! You just said "nuclear". It's "nukular", dummy, the "s" is silent!
Joe Swanson: Hey, Pat, where's the wheelchair ramp? Pawtucket Pat: Oh, we don't have one. I guess this is where you get off. (Pawtucket Pat blows a whistle and the Chumba Wumbas come out) Chumba Wumba Chorus: Chumba Wumba gobbledy goo / Life isn't fair it's sad but it's true / Chumba Wumba gobbledy gee / When your poor legs are stiff as a tree. Chumba Wumba #1: What do you do when you're stuck in a chair? Chumba Wumba #2: Finding it hard to go up and down stairs? Chumba Wumba #3: What do you think of the one you call God? Chumba Wumba Chorus: Isn't His absence slight-ly odd? Chumba Wumba #4: Maybe He's forgotten you. Chumba Wumba Chorus: Chumba wumba gobbledy gorse / Count yourself lucky you're not a horse / They would turn you into dog food / Or to chumba wumba gobbledy glue! (the Chumba Wumbas push Joe out of the factory) Joe Swanson: I'm glad I'm not taking your stupid tour! I'm a Coors man anyway. Silver bullet! Chumba Wumba #2: Gobbledy glue!
Lois Griffin: We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object. Peter Griffin: Your mother's right, son. Listen to what it says. Lois Griffin: Peter! Peter Griffin: Uh, uh, I didn't say that. Lee Majors did. Lee Majors: What? Women are things.
Lois Griffin: Peter! Peter Griffin: Um... Lee Majors said it. Lee Majors: What? Women are things.
Pablo: Santa can't be Asian. He doesn't drive 20 miles an hour under the speed limit with his blinker on!
Luke Skywalker: Okay I'll just make a quick incision here and we'll be all done, Mrs Wilson. Ben Kenobi: Luke, use the Force. Luke Skywalker: Really? Because I was just gonna... Ben Kenobi: Just use the Force. Luke Skywalker: Okay! (Luke's lightsaber floats above Mrs Wilson and stabs her right through the eye. She starts screaming) Are you happy? Ben Kenobi: I've never been happy.
Meg Griffin: Can you please teach me how to drive? Brian Griffin: Meg, you might want to find a better driver then Peter. Peter Griffin: What are you talking about? I'm a great driver. Brian Griffin: Oh, yeah. Remember your trip to the Southwest. (flashback) Roadrunner: Meep Meep. (Peter's car runs over him) Brian Griffin: Oh my God. Did I just hit that ostrich? Wile E. Coyote: No. Peter Griffin: Are you sure? Wile E. Coyote: Yeah. Keep going.
Meg Griffin: You should go with him. This will be your chance to be alone with dad. Chris Griffin: I'm not attracted to dad. Meg Griffin: No, tell him you don't want to be in the scouts anymore. Chris Griffin: OH. Meg Griffin: Yipes.
Peter Griffin: I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to? (flashback) Fred: It looks like the killer gutted his victim, strangled him with his own intestines and then dumped to body in the river. Velma: Jinkies! What a mystery! (Scooby jumps) Fred: That's right, Scoob. We're dealing with one sick son of a bitch.
(Chris jumps on Peter's lap) Chris Griffin: Dad, the scouts are no fun. I just want to draw. Oh, and... (kisses Peter) Peter Griffin: Son, I am going to stand up, walk out of this room, and we are never to speak of this again.
(observing Brian at a dog race) Carter Pewterschmidt: Oh my god. He's violating Sea Breeze. Peter Griffin: No, he's just awkwardly positioning himself... OK, NOW he's violating Sea Breeze.
Peter Griffin: Son, this is a big day for you. Today, you become the man of the house, because, when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.
Chris Griffin: Are you and dad going to get a divorce? Lois Griffin: Oh, honey... maybe.
Stewie Griffin: Make sure there's a fresh copy of Wall Street Journal next to the changing table.
Mr Fargas: Today, we are going to dissect... a clown. Well, it's no wonder this clown died. His lungs were filled with candy.
Peter Griffin: I'd sell my soul to be famous. (cut to hell) Satan: We've got a live one. Peter Griffin. Assisstant: No good, sir. It seems he already sold his soul once in 1977 for Bee Gees tickets and then again in 1983 for half a mallomar.
(at a dog show) Peter Griffin: Brian, come. Hey, don't you walk out on me. (aware that the audience is watching) Uh, heh. Uh, I now command you to leave. Yep. Keep going. Yeah, yeah, that's right, yeah, flip me off. Good boy. Heh heh, heh heh.
Peter Griffin: I tried finding my talent like you said. First, I tried art. (flashback) Peter Griffin: Am I... am I supposed to draw the penis? Peter Griffin: Then I tried sculpting. (flashback) Peter Griffin: Am I... am I supposed to sculpt the penis? Peter Griffin: Then I tried music. (flashback) Peter Griffin: Am I... am I supposed to conduct with my penis?
Meg Griffin: I finally get my driver's license and the car gets taken away, how ironic. Peter: Meg, don't talk to your mother that way, she is not an iron.
Chris Griffin: Hey Meg, I'm thinking of a word, and this time it's definately not "kitty". Can you guess? Meg Griffin: Is it kitty? Chris Griffin: Ahhhh! Get out of my head! Get out of my head!
Peter Griffin: I'm going to jump off this building. Cleveland: Could you repeat that, Peter. I believe I heard something crazy in my ear. Glen Quagmire: Wait, hold the phone, you took me away from a Swedish girly-girl and her paralyzed but trusting cousin for this?
Stewie Griffin: I say mother, this hotdog has been on my plate a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself.
Brian Griffin: Excuse me, would you like to taste my smoked meat log?
Lois Griffin: Peter, there's a naked man on this cake. Peter Griffin: There were only two cakes left, and trust me, you do not want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples.
Peter Griffin: Wow, I'm even better than that dad from Lost In Space. (flashback) Dad: We need to chart this planet. Greg, you take my 16 year old blonde daughter out in the chariot for the rest of the day. Penny, you stay with me. And Will, you and the robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing, boy-hungry peadophile with you.
Lois Griffin: Chris, that's a terrible word. Nipple.
Lois: Chris, that's a terrible word. Pussywillow.
Lois Griffin: Typical male fantasy. Women drinking beer. I can guarantee that a man made that commercial. Peter Griffin: Of course they did. It's a commercial, not a delicious Thanksgiving dinner.
(on the phone) Chris Griffin: So, what are you wearing? (pause) Wow. I bet you can see right through that. Lois Griffin: Chris, who are you talking to? Chris Griffin: Grandma.
Peter Griffin: I'm going to microwave a bagel and have sex with it. Glen Quagmire: Butter's in the fridge.
Stewie Griffin: Damn the toilet. It's made slaves of you all. It just sits there consuming other people's feces while contributing nothing of its own to society.
Peter Griffin: What's Lois doing with Ross Fishman? Glen Quagmire: Is it possible she's a whore? You know, like on weekends to pay for her mom's dialysis... as in my fantasy. (pause) Glen Quagmire: You know what, let's start over. Hi, I'm Quagmire.
Peter Griffin: Lois, if this is your idea of a joke, you must write for Leno. Stewie Griffin: Oh, oh you know, it is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. The fact is the man's out there every bloody night, with fresh material, and he's charming.
Lois Griffin: Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding picture? Peter Griffin: Yeah I think it looks better. Lois Griffin: You pasted it over me. Peter Griffin: Yeah I think it looks better.
Stewie Griffin: I love God. He's so deliciously evil.
(Lois' sister is in labor) Peter Griffin: It looks like Carol's blowing a bubble. Lois Griffin: That's the head. Carol, push. Push. Peter Griffin: I am. It won't go back in.
(Lois is upset about a cult that is worshipping Peter) Peter Griffin: Don't worry Lois. I'll handle this. I read a book about this kind of thing once. Brian Griffin: Are you sure it was in a book? Are you sure it wasn't... nothing? Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah.
Stewie Griffin: How deliciously evil. It's like something out of Stephen King. (flashback) Stephen King: Now for my 300th novel, a couple... uh... (casts about desperately) is attacked... by a giant... uh... lamp monster! Oooooooo! Editor: You're not even trying anymore are you? (sigh) When can I have it?
(Peter almost foils a bank robbery) Peter Griffin: Hey, I'm supposed to be the hero here. Come on. Well, can I just pistol whip you guys a couple of times for the camera?
Meg Griffin: Yeah, why are we here in this bomb shelter when I could be getting felt up by Kevin? Lois Griffin: Now don't give it to him all at once, honey, make him work for it.
(upon finding out the local bar has been turned into a British pub) Peter Griffin: Holy crap. It's a gay bar.
Peter Griffin: (to youth cult) Hey guys, you want to come to my son's first birthday party? (They all drink a toast to Peter's idea with a poison-laced punch, then all collapse simultaneously) Peter Griffin: I guess that's just more people who would rather fake their own deaths than go to a party with you, Meg.
Guy in Chicken Suit: Enjoy your chicken sandwich. Stewie Griffin: Enjoy your studio apartment.
(a grim, hooded wraith with a scythe approaches Peter's door) Peter Griffin: Wh-Who are you? Death: I'm Callista Flockhart. Who do you think I am? I'm Death.
Lois Griffin: Why are you here? The doctor said Peter was fine. Death: Yeah, well, I guess he would know. I mean, after all, he is a doctor, and I'm just - DEATH.
Brian Griffin: You got anything on that remote lower than Mute?
Peter Griffin: They covered the house in micro-film of Teflon so you never have to clean. (the family slips and falls to the floor) Peter Griffin: I probably shouldn't have had them cover the floors in it. (Stewie skates by) Stewie Griffin: I'm nudes on ice!
Chris Griffin: It'll be a good chance to get away from the evil monkey that lives in my closet.
(Shamus has four wooden limbs) Glen Quagmire: So, were you in an accident or something? Shamus: No, me father was a tree.
Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute. Glen Quagmire: Fifty bucks. Auctioner: She had nine STDs. Glen Quagmire: Forty-five bucks. Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself. Glen Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Tom Tucker: This is Tom Tucker... 's evil twin Todd Tucker out to destroy his brother's reputation. Ha ha ha! Now I'm going to go back inside my motel room where I'm going to have freaky sex with my prostitute with whom I still have another 45 minutes.
Glen Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.
Peter Griffin: It's OK, Meg. Your mom is full of Christmas cheer and enough tranquilizer to take down an elephant.
Peter Griffin: We're officially on welfare. Come on, kids. Help me scatter garbage on the front lawn.
Brian Griffin: Everyone, this is Tina. Meg Griffin: What happened to you? Brian Griffin: How about a little less questions and a little more shut the hell up?
Shelly: I'll have the es-cargott and a chabliss. Brian: (sighs) Same here. Es-cargott and a chabliss.
Dennis Miller: I don't want to go on a rant, here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean when a neo-conservative defenestrates it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate... (Peter is watching this on TV) Peter Griffin: What the hell does rant mean?
Quagmire: Hey, maybe we could set Peter up with another lemon snowcone. Peter Griffin: The first one didn't taste like lemon at all. It tasted like... (pauses) Oh, you guys are ASSES.
Brian Griffin: You're really going to take back donated gifts on Christmas Eve? Peter Griffin: Yes, now here's the plan. We'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Which will be guarded by lasers three inches above the floor, now you'll have to squeeze yourself to the size of about a sponge and then crawl across the floor like a dolphin or some other amphibious mammal. Brian: Can I buy some pot from you?
Brian Griffin: Seriously, who buys a novelty fire extinguisher? Peter Griffin: I'll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his entire family into serious danger, that's who.
Brian Griffin: Come on, I'll show the channel Lois doesn't know about. (turns on TV) Lois Griffin: Brian what... Chris go to your room. Meg take Stewie upstairs. Stewie Griffin: Wait. That man seems to have suffered a rather serious snake bite.
(Family is talking about Peter's Drinking problem) Brian Griffin: And remember the time when you had an Irish Coffee before we went to see "Philadelphia"? (Shows them in a movie theater) Peter Griffin: Ah, yeah. It's the guy from "Big". Tom Hanks Everything he says is a Riot. Tom Hanks: I have AIDS. (Peter starts laughing uncontrollably)
(Peter has had plastic surgery) Lois Griffin: Peter, did you get a new buttocks? Peter Griffin: I had to. My old one had a crack in it.
(Peter has had plastic surgery) Lois Griffin: Ahh, I hate what you've become. Why don't you go back to that doctor and have him suck the fat out of your head? Peter Griffin: Maybe I will, and then I'll put it on my feet and stand on Paul Bunyan's giant skillet to cook his flapjacks. Lois Griffin: That doesn't make any sense. Peter Griffin: It doesn't have to. I'm beautiful.
Peter Griffin: Gays don't vomit. They're a very clean people. And they've been that way ever since they came over to this country from France.
Meg Griffin: Mom, you can't get a job. The last time you left Dad alone in the house he turned it into a giant puppet. (Scene switches to Peter yelling in a megaphone while moving the roof of the house up and down) Peter Griffin: Hey. Hey. Stay out of here. Hey. You better not come in here. I'm the Griffin's house. Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.
Chris Griffin: Hi, my name is Chris. Mom and dad said that I'm supposed to be on my best behavior tonight and not mention poo. Oh god! What have I done?
Lois Griffin: Peter, punish Chris. Peter Griffin: Son, I'm watching the game, you know what to do. (Chris begins spanking himself) Chris Griffin: OW. OW. OW. OW. This hurts me more than it hurts you.
Lois Griffin: Kids, stop fighting or we won't go to McDonalds after church. Meg, Chris: MOM! Peter Griffin: OK, we can go... but you can't supersize. Chris Griffin: Awwwwwwwwwww... Peter Griffin: OK, you can supersize but no apple pie. Meg Griffin: Oh, come on. Peter Griffin: OK, you can have an apple pie but you can't blow on it.
(Peter is talking in his sleep) Peter Griffin: Oh, Jenny... ooh, Jenny, Ooh, Jenny don't stop... Oh, Richard Jeni, your HBO comedy specials have brought laughter to millions. And what a sweet ass.
Quagmire: Hello there, cutie. How old are you? Girl: Sixteen. Quagmire: Eighteen? You're first. Girl: MOM. Quagmire: I like where this is going.
Brian: Peter, your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs. (everyone gasps) Too soon?
Brian Griffin: Peter, are you sure, you've never had much luck telling jokes. (Flash Back to Peter in a net surrounded by apes with guns) Peter Griffin: Okay, Okay. How many dirty stinkin' apes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three: One dirty stinkin' ape to screw in the light bulb, and two dirty stinkin' apes to throw faeces at each other. Hehehehehehe. (Apes cock shotguns)
Peter Griffin: This party couldn't be better if Jesus was here. Jesus: For my next miracle, I will turn water... into FUNK. (set turns into disco)
UPS Woman: I've got a package for Glen Quagmire. Quagmire: I'll be right back (Closes door, then returns a moment later, naked) Quagmire: And I've got a package for you too! Oh! (she maces him) Quagmire: Nice try, but I've built up an immunity.
Peter Griffin: And this is where the Pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock.
Tom Tucker: I think I speak for everyone when I say, New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.
Quagmire: Here's to the Drunken Clam, boys. Where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I. Cleveland: Quagmire, you forgot to say "Oh". Quagmire: Really? I could've sworn... just to be on the safe side, "OH."
Brian: You recently returned from the Philippines. Where you made love to two Filipino women. And a man. Quagmire: You mean THREE Filipino women. (pauses) Quagmire: Ahhhhhhh!
Brian: Why don't you shut up for about a week? Stewie: Very well, what are the stakes if I win? Brian: I wasn't making a bet. Why don't you just shut up for about a week?
(during a smoking conference) Stewie: Baby needs to suck ash. Baby needs to suck ash. Not ass, you pervert. Save it for the interns.
Stewie: Hidden missile behind the Great Wall? Ancient Chinese secret, huh?
Peter Griffin: Merry Christmas to all, and to all, shut the hell up.
Lois Griffin: My therapist said we should try a trick called "role reversal", it's where you pretend to be the person who makes you angry. Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's stupid and worthless and you should only listen to me, Peter. Peter Griffin: I'm Lois. I brake for yard sales but I won't let Peter buy anything he likes like that neon beer sign with the chick who had two mugs for jugs. It was only $8 and we had a dozen places to put it. Stewie: I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the rug. Brian Griffin: I'm a pompous little antichrist who will abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and wind up settling with a rough trick named Jim.
Chris Griffin: Hey, mom, look at these bananas. Peter Griffin: Why you smart little bastard. Lois Griffin: Now Chris, these are called "plantains". In fact, some women prefer them to normal size bananas because they're exotic and flavorful, and very very special. Peter Griffin: Yeah, Lois, I see all the sorority girls clamoring for the platain section.
Brian Griffin: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract? Peter Griffin: If by "read", you mean "imagined a naked lady", then yes.
(upon learning that Meg is dating a nudist) Lois Griffin: Now Meg, there's no need to get testes. I mean testy. Nuts. I mean crap.
(Peter and Brian have just jumped their car off a flatbed truck like The Dukes of Hazzard) Peter Griffin: Oh, man. That was great. Hey, maybe next time we can get Meg to be Boss Hogg and Chris can be Anus. Brian Griffin: Enis. Peter Griffin: What'd I say? Brian Griffin: Anus. (Peter laughs hysterically)
Teacher: In French, to say yes you say oui-oui. (Peter starts laughing) Peter Griffin: Oh, man, that's hysterical. (keeps laughing) Hey, what do you say for no, doo-doo? (laughs) Hey, I'll be right back. I've got to go take a wicked yes.
Cleveland: Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protestors burned down our porta-potties and I used my stream of justice to put out the hate.
Cleveland: You can stay with us, Meg, I just hope you don't mind that my uncle died in the guest bedroom. Meg Griffin: I guess that's OK. When did he die? (opens the bedroom, a dead body is lying on the bed) Cleveland: We think it was some time between the Tonight Show and the Today Show.
Judge: Mr Griffin, we have undisputable evidence that not only were you ever not in the same room as Clarence Thomas, you were never even in the same state. What do you say for yourself? Peter Griffin: BABBA BOUI. BABBA BOUI. BABBA BOUI. HOWARD STERN'S PENIS. BABBA BOUI. BABBA BOUI.
Meg Griffin: I wish Chris would quit drawing pictures of my head on a pig's body. Chris Griffin: Don't censor me.
(Family is trying to hide from mobsters) Peter Griffin: Don't worry, I got it all worked out. We'll move to England, huh? Worst they got there is, you know, drive-by... arguments... (Meanwhile, in England) Englishman: I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B. Stifworth, the young upstart chap who's been touting the merits of a united European commonwealth? Jeremy: Why yes, I daresay it is. Englishman: Oh, let's get him. (They drive up) Englishman: Oh Reginald... I disagree. (drives off)
(Peter with Charles Manson and the Manson Family) Peter Griffin: Guys. I got invited to Sharon Tate's house. Now you can come, but you gotta promise not to embarrass me.
Stewie Griffin: Soooo Broccoli, mother says you're very good for me. But I'm afraid I'm no good for you.
(to Stewie, at Christmastime) Chris Griffin: Here, it's a candy cane. But don't stick it up your nose, it burns like hell.
(a social worker is trying to take Stewie away because she believes the Griffin parents are unfit) Lois Griffin: How dare you say that. This is a wonderful home for a child to live. (a gunshot is heard from the roof) Peter Griffin: Quagmire, you rat bastard. Come near my fence again and that'll be your head.
(a parody of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory) Pawtucket Pat: Take a drink, and you'll sink, to a state of pure inebriation.
(Joe Swanson is in a fight with the Grinch) Grinch: You think you have won, you think all is well. Well kiss my green ass, I'll see you in hell.
(on buying a coffin...) Peter Griffin: I'll take it, but I won't pay a cent over $60. Coffin Salesman: Sir that casket costs $1000. Peter Griffin: 70 bucks. Coffin Salesman: Huh? Peter Griffin: 2000 bucks. Coffin Salesman: That's twice what it costs. Peter Griffin: (pauses) 40 bucks. Coffin Salesman: What? Brian: He... he doesn't know how to haggle.
Englishman #1: I say, you know what's really funny? A man dressed in women's clothing. Englishman #2: Yes, quite. Ripping good laugh.
Stewie Griffin: (to his grandmother) I smell death on you.
Lois Griffin: So how was your day? Brian Griffin: My day? Un-freakin' believable. First we nailed this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter's doll, her doll for god's sake. Where's the line anymore? Well, I got news for ya, it's not even on the radar screen! The days of decency and virtue are gone, honey, BAM, freakin' evaporated like a dingy stinkin' mudpuddle. One day you see your reflection in it and the next day it's a, it's a damn oil spot on your crack driveway, staring back at you, mocking at you, blah, blah, blah, knowing the perverted truths that rot in the pit of your soul. That's how my freakin' day was! (pause) Peter Griffin: You know what I haven't had in a while? Big League Chew.
Peter Griffin: Hey, Chris! Whatcha doing? Chris Griffin: Jus' layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homey. Yo, Pops, lemme have some cheddar. Some playa-hata be throwin' salt in my game - grillin' me over my gear. An' I needs to be mackin' style! Peter Griffin: Well... ehh... the important thing is you tried, son.
(Brian and Stewie are catching a ride with Hispanic workers in Texas) Brian Griffin: Hola! Um... me, me llamo es Brian. Ahh, uh, um... Let's see, uh, nosotros queremos ir con ustedes. Migrant Worker: Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said, "Me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es", just "me llamo Brian". Brian Griffin: Oh! So you speak English! Migrant Worker: No, just that first speech and this one explaining it. Brian Griffin: You... you're kidding, right? Migrant Worker: Que?
Chris Griffin: (after eating vegetables) It tastes like a monkey. A monkey that's past its prime!
Stewie Griffin: (to a masseuse) Sh, sh, sh, no conversation.
Lois Griffin: Don't try to pawn this off on your sister! She's a good girl! Chris Griffin: Oh, yeah? Well, what about the time she strangled our other sister? Lois Griffin: Oh, honey, we told you... that never happened. It was just a bad dream. Chris Griffin: But I remember it so... Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: IT WAS A DREAM!
Stewie Griffin: (singing and pointing to rifle and crotch alternately) This is my rifle / This is my gun / This is for fighting / This is for fun!
Stewie Griffin: (thinks) How wonderful it will be to have mother back! Brian Griffin: (thinks) I heard that. Stewie Griffin: (thinks) Damn!
Stewie Griffin: (looking in the fridge for a drink) Soda... purple stuff... Sunny D, all right!
Lois Griffin: Peter, I saw a really good deal on a used car in this newspaper. Peter Griffin: Oh no. I knew a guy who bought a used car through a newspaper. Ten years later, BAM! Herpes.
(Peter has taken some politicians to a strip joint, where one of them has accidentally killed one of the strippers) Peter Griffin: You may have killed her when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat, you may have killed her when you hit her with the stool... I don't know, I'm not a doctor. But I'll tell you what didn't kill her... smoking!
(Stewie is resting while Brian is licking his crotch) Stewie Griffin: Urgh, what the hell do you think you are doing? Brian Griffin: I'm cleaning myself. Stewie Griffin: You were clean fifteen minutes ago, now you're just on vacation!
(we see a flashback of Stewie with a normal, round head, jumping up and down on the bed) Stewie: I can jump on the bed all I want. You're not my mother. (Stewie hits his head on the ceiling, squashing it into its more familiar rugby-ball shape) Brian Griffin: Oh my God, are you all right? Stewie: Fine. Why do you ask?
(while Peter is changing Stewie) Stewie: No, you idiot. That's not baby powder, that's paprika. Ahhhhhh. Take that.
Peter Griffin: Son, we're going to get you back in the Scouts so fast, they wont know what hit 'em. (he backs into a parked car) And, um, neither will that guy.
Stewie: Hm, time for dessert. Let's see - big chocolate cake for Stewie, (holds up a leaf to Chris) and something very tasty for big, fat you.
Peter Griffin: Lois, I can't find my favorite pair of underwear. Lois: Which one? The one where you ripped hole in it from when you got stuck in that airplane bathroom from when you got the trots? Peter Griffin: No, I'm looking for the pair from when I had to hold it in because it was that extra long Palm Sunday service and I thought blowing gas would offend Jesus so I let it rip in the vestibule after service and it sounded like Louie Armstrong. Lois Griffin: Top drawer.
Meg: I cant believe my stupid parents are going to spend five stupid days following stupid Kiss on tour. That's painful. Peter Griffin: Not as painful as a tire iron upside your head. Meg: What? Peter Griffin: Nothing.
Stewie Griffin: Blast I thought I had more time. Keeping people from having sex is more difficult than I thought. Now I know how the Catholic Church feels. BA-ZING.
Stewie Griffin: OK, Rupert, what do you think of our Mad Lib? (clears throat) Stewie Griffin: (reading) Cinderella had two step-'watermelons', who were very 'smelly' to her. So her fair god'toilet' turned her pumpkin into a big 'fanny', and sent her off to the 'poop'. (short laugh) Stewie Griffin: Oh, how ruthlessly absurd.
Peter Griffin: Could you sign this book please. Tony Robbins: Tony Robbins hungry! (swallows Peter whole)
Chris Griffin: Mom, can I be excused from the table? Stewie is gonna help me with my math homework. Lois Griffin: Honey, don't be silly. He's only a baby. Stewie Griffin: Right, and you are a regular Rhodes Scholar yourself. Where did you graduate from? The University of Duuuuhhh?
Stewie: I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things", not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up".
Glen Quagmire: (to feminist woman) The plight of women in this hemisphere is deplorable. Glen Quagmire: (to woman who likes strong men) I can bench press 800 pounds. Glen Quagmire: (to woman who loves jazz music) You, me and Coltrane till dawn, baby. Giggedy, giggedy, giggedy, giggedy!
Brian Griffin: My therapist thinks I'm in love. Peter Griffin: Holy Crap! You can talk!
Peter Griffin: Hold on, hold on. I'm sorry, but that is a really boring story. I haven't been this bored since that stupid drive-in movie. (Flashback to Peter sitting at a drive-in, facing the wrong way)
Peter Griffin: (Lois has explained to Peter that he is a producer, not director) Then what am I supposed to do with my great ideas? Put them in a tub and clean myself with them? Because that's what soap is for, Lois.
Peter Griffin: What do you expect me to do with all these great ideas? Put them in a tub and clean myself with them? Cause that's what soap is for Lois.
Stewie Griffin: She packed my bags. Last night preflight. Zero hour 9am (inhales cigarette) and I'm gonna be... high... as a kite by then. (transparent Stewie clone #1) And I think its gonna be a long time til touch down brings me round again to find, I'm not the man they think I am at home, Oh No no! I'm a rocket man. Rocket man! Burnin out his fuse out here, Alone! (Transparent stewie clone #2 bow tie undone) And I think its gonna be a long time til touch down brings me down again to find, I'm not the man they think I am at home, Oh no no no! I'm a rock it man. Rocket man! burnin out his fuse out here. Alone!
Peter Griffin: Looks out curtain at Lois, who's sitting in the front row Look who came crawling back. Joe Swanson: (Joe is crawling on the stage towards Peter) Peter! Have you seen my wheelchair?
(they are eating Trisha) Tom Tucker: Mmm. Diane can I cook or what? Diane Simmons: I guess we should be eating her with chopsticks (they both laugh) Brian Griffin: Oh my god! They're eating Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa! Peter Griffin: That's insane! They're just gonna be hungry again in an hour.
Peter Griffin: Maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second. Ahh Lois Griffin: That was just a loud yelping noise
Peter Griffin: They look at me and see a loser. Except that guy with the lazy eye... He sees a loser and a snack machine.
Stewie Griffin: (after Brian cries hysterically) I guess now we know what kind of dog he is. A "melancollie". (no response) Oh wait. I should have said "chi wa-wa". (still no response) I don't have to (beep) impress you!
Lois Griffin: Why don't you take Joe caroling? Peter Griffin: Yeah, that'd be as fun as a lecture on ontological empiricism. Lois Griffin: What? Peter Griffin: What?
Chris Griffin: You should invent the frisbee! The frisbee is an awesome toy! Meg Griffin: The frisbee's already been invented. Chris Griffin: Then how come I've never heard of it?
(Lois is washing Stewie's hair in the sink) Stewie Griffin: Careful! You're washing a baby's scalp, not scrubbing the vomit out of a Christmas dress, you stupid holiday drunk.
Peter Griffin: Lois, the bar has been taken over by a bunch of lousy, limey, no-good, tea-sucking British bastards.
Meg Griffin: Guess what I am. Stewie Griffin: Hmm, let me see. The end result of a drunken backseat gropefest and a damaged prophylactic?
Peter Griffin: You wanna talk about awkward moments? Once, during sex, I called Lois "Frank". Your move, Sherlock.
(Peter and Chris are dressed in grass skirts) Peter Griffin: (slapping Chris) No, no, no. It's "step, pivot, step, pause". Are you TRYING to piss off the volcano god?
(Peter saw Lois in a coffee shop talking with her old college boyfriend) Peter Griffin: I saw you in that coffee shop, breaking the fifth commandment. Congress passes these things for a reason, Lois.
Cleveland: That tickles me in a way where, if Loretta were to tickle me that way, I'd say, "Oh... yeah, that's it... that's the spot."
(repeated line) Stewie: What the deuce?
("Hollywood Squares" parody) Contestant: I'll take the dying boy to block. Tom Bergeron: Ok, Jeremy... is there anything lower than absolute zero? Jeremy: Uhh, yeah... my white cell count.
Chris: I haven't been this confused since the ending of "No Way Out". (Flashback to Chris & Brian coming out of a theater that's showing "No Way Out") Chris: How does Kevin Costner keep getting work?
(the Griffins watch "Happy Days") Richie: Mom, uh, I really like Potsy. Mrs Cunningham: Well, Potsy's a nice boy, dear. Why shouldn't you like him? Richie: No, I mean... I *really* like Potsy. Mr Cunningham: We heard you the first time, son, you've got a homosexual attraction to Potsy.
Peter Griffin: You're not fat, Chris, you just come from a long line of husky Griffins. Like your great uncle, Jabba the Griffin. (flashback) Jabba the Griffin: Raja naba doa gola wookie nipple pinchy.
Toy Designer: I've just finished the new line of G.I. Jew toys. (he pushes a button on the G.I. Jew action figure) G.I. Jew: You call these bagels? Toy Designer: Whoa, I'm glad he's on our side.
Peter Griffin: You all know how observant I am. TV Announcer: And now back to Star Trek. Peter Griffin: Holy crap. Uhura's black?
Brian: Hey, if every woman dumped her husband for crashing a blimp into the Superbowl, no one would be married.
Brian Griffin: Peter, only one gift was for charity. The rest were for the family. Peter Griffin: No, the rest were FROM the family... weren't they? Aw crap, since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"? Brian Griffin: I think they had a meeting about it last night. Peter Griffin: Why wasn't I told? Brian Griffin: They sent you a card, but it said 'For Peter' on it, so you must have thought it was FROM you, so you didn't uh... You know, it's just easier to call you stupid.
(on being the First Lady of "Petoria") Lois Griffin: I'll be just like Hillary Clinton, only you know, without the penis.
(Brian is sitting next to a woman, panting) Woman: Pervert. Brian Griffin: Oh, don't flatter yourself, honey; I don't have any sweat glands.
Guy in chicken costume: The world is gonna end at midnight tonight. Y2K. Peter Griffin: Y2K? What are you selling, chicken or sex jelly?
(Peter is watching a beer commercial) Announcer: Pawtucket Patriot Beer. If you drink it, hot women will have sex in your backyard.
Meg Griffin: Can I be in the play, Mom? Stewie Griffin: Oh yes, you can be the dumpy teenage girl who cries backstage because no one finds her attractive.
(hitting on a girl waiting in line for a roller coaster) Glen Quagmire: Hello there. You must be *this* beautiful to ride the Quagmire.
Lois: You see Meg, I'm like one of those Bald eagles on the Discovery Channel. Beautiful to look at... but mess with one of my baby chicks and I'll use my razor-sharp talons to rip your (oven dings) ... ing eyes out. Cookies are done. Who wants chocolate chip?
(Peter's new car has an electronic navigator with a Yakov Smirnoff mode) Yakov Smirnoff Voice: Turn left at fork in road. In Soviet Russia, road forks you.
Machine: Turn left at fork in road... in native Russia, road forks you. Peter Griffin: (sighs) That got old real fast.
Chris Griffin: Hey dad, look. I put honey on my back, and now the ants are carrying me home. (laughing) Peter Griffin: Aw, that's nothing. He does the same thing at home, but with Velveeta and cockroaches. And if ya turn on the lights really fast, they'll slam him right into the fridge.
Peter Griffin: Chris is not as smart as you think he is... (Peter slaps Chris in the back of the head) Chris Griffin: HEY. Peter Griffin: He did it. (Peter points to a nearby floor lamp, and Chris attacks it and starts fighting with it)
Psychiatrist: Does Stewie have a history of violence? Lois Griffin: Oh no, this is Stewie's first violent act. Stewie Griffin: Actually, my first violent act involved that ticking time bomb that I left in your uterus when I left. Happy 50th Birthday, Lois.
(on being President of the tobacco company) Peter Griffin: And you won't believe all the perks we're getting! Ugly Girl: (to Meg) Hi. Meg Griffin: Uhh... can I help you? Ugly Girl: Some company hired me to stand next to you all day so you'd look better by comparison. Meg Griffin: That's ridiculous! I don't need... Boy: Hey Meg, did you get less ugly? Meg Griffin: (grabbing onto the ugly girl) Yeah!
Brian Griffin: I've been to New York. It's like Prague sans the whimsy.
(Quagmire is talking to a woman from New York) Glen Quagmire: Hey there little lady. Why don't you turn around and show me your Lower East Side. Woman (in deep voice) : Sure. Glen Quagmire: Whoa. Transvestite, back off. Wait a minute... pre-op or post-op? Woman: Pre-op. Glen Quagmire: Whoa. Transvestite, back off.
Peter Griffin: Hey, what's your friend's name? Al Gore: Dick Armey. Peter Griffin: (laughs) No, seriously, what is it? Al Gore: (beat) ... Dick Armey. Peter Griffin: (bursts out laughing) Hey, Armey, what's your wife's name, Vagina Coastguard? (continues to laugh) Al Gore: (laughs) Oh, I just got that.
(Stewie is sitting in between Meg and Peter dressed like a prostitute) Stewie: (to Meg) It's eerie, isn't it. Like looking into the future.
(Family is sitting at Table. After Apocalypse. Eating eggs on random pieces of metal) Lois Griffin: It's Ok. Right before the Apocalypse, Peter bought a year's worth of food. (Camera Goes to Peter. He's just finishing off the last of the food) Lois Griffin: PETER. You just finished off a years supply of food. Peter Griffin: What a waste. I'm still hungry. (Peter drinks a glass of water and gets really bloated) Peter Griffin: Everyone leave. I have to poop. (Everyone looks at him) Peter Griffin: NOW.
Stewie: Mark my words, your uppance shall come.
Death: You can't tell anyone that I'm here. For if you do, the consequences could be dire. Peter Griffin: Go on... Death: That's it. (to Lois) God, what do you see in him?
Meg Griffin: How could you embarrass me like that? Nobody better pull this kind of crap at my slumber party tonight. Lois Griffin: Don't worry, honey. You and your friends are gonna have a great time. Stewie Griffin: Yes. How delightful it will be. A pubescent herd of gabby wretches prattling on about boys and music and jellybeans and stickers.
Stewie Griffin: The breakfast thing. Yes. It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I don't... I have no problem... it's just there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore. Uh... I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God! Wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?"
Peter Griffin: You know, some people think that dandelions are weeds. But you know... uh... I always think, who the hell decided tulips were so great?
Lois Griffin: To hell with the cameras! How could we ever let them replace our little girl? Oh, I miss her, Peter. Peter Griffin: Me, too. She's like that dorky Baldwin brother who isn't as good-looking or successful and never answers my letters, but he's still a Baldwin, damn it!
(the Griffins are being relocated to the South) Peter Griffin: The South? Isn't that where the black people are really lazy, and the white people are equally as lazy, but they're mad at the black people for being so lazy?
(Brian, who has become addicted to cocaine, brings home a fellow user) Lois Griffin: Hi Tina. Welcome to our home. Can I get you a washcloth to wipe the dried blood from under your nose?
Meg Griffin: Chris! You're hogging all the fans! Chris Griffin: Oh yeah? Well you're hogging all the UGLY!
(Brian is addicted to cocaine) Meg Griffin: Brian, you look like you lost weight! What is your secret? Brian Griffin: Here's my secret. PUT DOWN THE FORK!
Peter: ... and there's no way I'm going in the back way. Death: Oh crap, I have no time for this!
Peter: To you she may be worth a million dollars. But to me she's worthless!
Peter Griffin: If I'm a child, you know what that makes you? A pedophile. And I'll be damned if I stand here and get lectured by pervert.
Chris Griffin: I wanna get Barbara a really nice gift, What kind of gifts have boys gotten for you Meg? Meg Griffin: Oh... well, my boyfriend Prince William got me this beautiful watch and this diamond tiara and this wonderful scepter... (Meg laughs manically then breaks down sobbing) Stewie Griffin: She needs to get laid big time!
Peter Griffin: Oh, boy! I remember my first job. I was in a folk music trio. (cuts to a room in the 1970s, Peter is sitting with Art Garfunkel and Paul Simon) Peter Griffin: Hey, how about "Here's to You, Mrs Fleckenstein"? Paul Simon: Yeah, you've been pitching that for an hour. It's just not a very attractive name. Peter Griffin: (petulant) Oh, fine, fine. I guess were also not going with "Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Lowery's Seasoning Salt." (scoffs, leaves) That's it, I'm going to 'Nam.
Meg Griffin: Somebody's in the closet! Jeff Foxworthy: You know you're a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it. Stewie Griffin: You suck!
Peter Griffin: I'm going to go to the bathroom. (walks into an outhouse) Peter Griffin: Lois, I don't think it's a toilet. It's just a hole. (an animal knocks over the outhouse) Peter Griffin: OH! OH GOD IT'S EVERYWHERE! IT'S IN MY RACCOON WOUNDS!
Meg Griffin: I made flag girl! Stewie Griffin: Oh, you made flag girl. Great. (pause) Now you can be somewhere else when the boys don't call.
Tom Tucker: So, Dustin, it's been a while. I gotta say, you look great. Dustin Hoffman: (as Ben Braddock) Are you trying to seduce me, Mr Tucker? Tom Tucker: I am not tying to seduce you, Dustin Hoffman. You really look great. Dustin Hoffman: (as Rain Man) Uh oh, 12 minutes to Wapner. Tom Tucker: Yes, I understand your hectic schedule. Well, Dustin, we really appreciate you taking the time to be with us here at the studio. If there's anything I can ever do for you... Dustin Hoffman: (as Captain Hook) Bring me Peter Pan! Tom Tucker: I'll keep my eye out for him. Thanks, Dustin.
Pearl Burton: What is this, spit soup? Brian: It's tomato bisque. Pearl Burton: What is this, snot soup? Brian: It's tomato bisque! Pearl Burton: What is this, diarrhea soup?
Black Knight: Hey, what's your fat ass doing here? Man: (sitting on a fat donkey) He's my only means of conveyance.
(Peter and Lois are dumbfounded after they find Brian masturbating) Lois: Was he just mas... Peter: Yes. Do... do I rub his nose in it?
Meg: Chris, quit it! Mom, Chris put his foot on my side again. Chris: I can't help it, I have these long dancer's legs.
(after Stewie gets taken into an ethnically diverse foster family) Indian boy: Stewie, would you like to learn how to wrap a turban? Stewie: Why don't you teach it to the Chinese girl? Or perhaps she can learn after her people invade your country. Indian boy: Yee, would your people really do this? Stewie: Try and stop them. And try and stop Pablo's people from using drug money to buy arms from Li's countrymen who in turn sells them to Ura's people so that they can ethnically clense the rest of this nauseatingly diverse grab bag of genetic party favors you call a family. So now you all understand, yes? You all hate each other! (Children start crying)
Lois: It's like I always tell the kids: "Quitters never win" and "Don't trust Whitey".
Stewie: HA! That's so funny I forgot to laugh! Excluding that first "ha".
(after Peter tells Lois an outlandish story) Brian: Congratulations, Peter. You're the Spalding Gray of crap.
(they are in court) Judge: I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison. (bangs Gavel) Lois: Oh no! Brian: Oh no! Chris: Oh no! Meg: Oh no! (Kool Aid Man busts through wall) Kool-Aid Man: Oh yeah! (all stare, Kool-Aid Man backs out uncomfortably)
(Peter is watching a pornographic video) Woman on Tape: How about some whipped cream... Peter Griffin: Ohh! That's always good. Woman on Tape: ... and some cinnamon. Peter Griffin: Ohh! Oh, that's good too. Woman on Tape: And then guess what? I'm going to add... Peter Griffin: Ah, Jeez! If she says "Mrs Dash" I'm going to lose it.
(in a turtle-shaped pool float) Stewie: My God, I'm to entrust my life to a turtle - nature's "D" student?
(Peter has gotten liposuction) Stewie: My god, it's finally happened. He's become so massive he's collapsed in on himself like a neutron star.
Pillsbury Doughboy: Nothing says "I Love You" quite like Pill... (Lois starts to roll him flat with a rolling pin) Pillsbury Doughboy: Hey! What the hell are you doing you crazy bitch!
Peter: I've got your first headline, Meg. Lois, I challenge you to a race around the world. GO! (runs out of the room) Lois: What? (Peter flies by in plane laughing maniacally)
Gay Dog: Hey! You guys got any cheese doodles? (honks horn) Gay Dog: See, that's what I do, I ask for a snack, and then I blow the horn.
Chris Griffin: If I had a hole in my neck, I'd put pennies in it!
Stewie: Look at him. He runs like a Welshman. Doesn't he? Doesn't he run like a Welshman?
Stewie: (talking over speaker) Welcome Man in White, I've been expecting you. Cult Leader: W-who said that? Who's there? Stewie: Peek-a-Boo, I see you! (Man in White walks to the closet) Stewie: You're getting warmer... (Man in White opens closet door to discover a walkie talkie) Cult Leader: Where are you? What do you want? Stewie: Freedom! What do you want? Cult Leader: I wanna get the hell out of here! Stewie: Oh, I'm sorry, we're fresh out of that, all we have left is untimely death! (Stewie appears with a laser gun in his hand) Cult Leader: What the hell is this? Stewie: It's a boy. (Stewie fires at Man in White)
Tom Tucker: We'll return with a report on the clitoris: Nature's Rubik's cube.
(Meg enters the house crying) Meg: I'll never be popular, and it's all because of this stupid purse! (Peter grabs the purse and holds it against the wall) Peter: What the hell did you do to my daughter? I swear to God if you touched her...
(Brian is working as a guide dog and has taken a blind man to see "The Blair Witch Project") Brian: Okay, they're - they're in the woods. The camera keeps on moving. Uh... I think they're looking for some witch or something; I don't know, I wasn't listening. Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. Something about a map. Nothing's happening. It's over. A lot of people in the audience look pissed.
(Brian's been hired as a drug-sniffing cop dog) Peter Griffin: Hey, Brian. If cops are pigs, does that make you a Snausage? (he laughs) Brian Griffin: Clever, Peter. Did you stay up all night writing that? Peter Griffin: No, I got to bed around two, two-thirty.
(Brian Singing to Stewie) Brian Griffin: I'll bet money / You'll marry a honey / Who's pretty and funny / And her name will be Ted.
Tom Tucker: All right, question number one. Would you consider growing a moustache? Intern Interviewee: I guess so. Tom Tucker: Question number two. Look at my moustache. Do you think it tickles women when I kiss them? Intern Interviewee: I don't know. Tom Tucker: Wrong. The answer is "only slightly." Only slightly. Next!
Congressman: Cigarettes killed my father... and raped my mother!
Brian: Peter, this is the final plague. Peter: Good 'cause this is starting to get boring. Brian: Peter, the final plague is the death of the first born son. Peter: Oh, no! Stewie! Brian: First born... Peter: Meg! Brian: (beat) Your wife. Peter: Chris!
Joe Swanson: You can't just come over here and annex my pool! Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? Well, according to paragraph 7, sentence 3, word 8 of the Geneva Convention... "the". So, tough luck, Swanson.
Black Knight: You see kids? Your father's nothing but a fizzle! Peter Griffin: Hey, pal, nobody calls me a fizzle and gets away with it! Except for that one guy who called me a fizzle and then he ran off. But nobody else has ever called me a fizzle and got away with it! Actually thought, he was the only one who ever called me a fizzle. But after today, only half the people who've called me a fizzle will have gotten away with it!
(Jennifer Love Hewitt is on a date with Peter, and reviews her past works) Jennifer Love Hewitt: "I Know What You Did Last Summer"? Peter: Nope... never heard of it. Jennifer Love Hewitt: "The Devil and Daniel Webster"? Peter: No. Jennifer Love Hewitt: "Party of Five"? Peter: Was that a porno?
Peter Griffin: Quiet, sweetie. Men are talking.
Susan Sarandon: I'm Susan Sarandon. You might know me as Tim Robbins' mother... (derisively) ... but actually I'm his girlfriend.
(Brian is at Stewie's party. A clown holding a soda siphon passes) Brian Griffin: Hey you, hit me! (the clown squirs soda water into Brian's Martini glass) Brian Griffin: Now if I can just find a midget with some gin I'll be in business.
(a police officer pulls Peter over in his car) Police Officer: License and reg... hey, aren't you the guy who found out he's part black? Peter Griffin: Yes I am. Police Officer: (into walkie-talkie) Report of a possible stolen vehicle. Peter Griffin: But this is my car. Police Officer: Suspect becoming beligerent. Peter Griffin: Wha... Police Officer: Officer down. (Officer falls to ground, police cars surround Peter)
Glen Quagmire: Hey Peter, you can't drink that outside. You're gonna end up in jail. And not the good jail you see on Cinemax. The man jail.
Stewie Griffin: Damn it! I want pancakes! God! You people understand every language except English. Yo quiero pancakes. Donnez-moi pancakes. Click-click-bloody click pancakes!
Peter Griffin: (as Tom Hanks from Castaway, talking to a ball with a face painted on it) Wilson! Wilson! Wilson! What are we gonna do now? Wilson! Voigt: The name's Voigt, dumbass!
Disabled Man: (with electronic voice) A sphincter says what? Joe Swanson: What? Disabled Man: Ha ha ha ha. You stupid bastard.
Disabled Man: (electronic voice) That was pathetic. Tell your wife to come over to my place if she wants a little boom shacka-lacka-lacka-lacka-lacka. Boom shacka-lacka-lacka-lacka-lacka. Boom shacka-lacka-lacka-lacka-lacka. Boom.
Joe Swanson: Peter, it's over. Peter Griffin: Over? What are you talking about? What kind of talk is that? It's un-American. Did George W. Bush quit even after losing the popular vote? No! Did he quit after losing millions of dollars of his father's money in failed oil companies? No! Did he quit after knocking that girl up? No! Did he quit after he got that DUI? No! Did he quit after he got busted for drunk and disorderly conduct at a football game? No! Did he quit... Joe Swanson: I get the message, Peter.
Protestors: Free Tibet! Free Tibet! Peter Griffin: I'll take it! (He runs to a nearby phone booth) Hello, China? I have something you may want. But it's gonna cost ya. That's right. All the tea.
Salesman: Hello, Mr and Mrs Griffin. Now, I know you've been here all day, so if you'll just sign this contract without reading it I'll take your blank check, and you won't not be not loving your time-share before you know it.
Lisa McDonald: Bye, Dad. Don't wait up. Ronald McDonald: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute, Lisa. Come back here. You're not going out with all that make-up on. Lisa McDonald: But, Dad... Ronald McDonald: Upstairs. You're a McDonald, not a whore.
Stewie Griffin: You, cameraman! Make sure you use that Cybill Shepherd filter. If they can make her look half-human, they should be able to take six months off my face.
Peter Griffin: Man, this is a great show. They drag these idiots up on stage and then blindside 'em. Like this one guy, didn't know he was actually two midgets.
Peter Griffin: I find the toothpaste with the pump is a little easier to get on the brush. Ummm... you might have noticed my underwear has a hole in it. It's uh... you know, I... I don't see any reason to throw it out. The waist is still fine. You know, see. See, it's still real stretchy.
Lois Griffin: Meg, put your bib on. Meg Griffin: I don't want to wear a bib. Lois Griffin: Meg, honey, it's very cold in here. Maybe you'd be more comfortable with your bib on. Peter Griffin: She means your nipples are sticking out.
Peter Griffin: (opening drawer) Hey, Lois, there's a Bible in here! (He opens the book and dances around with it) Hey, look at me! I'm a Christian! I'm reading the Bible!
Bad Peter: Lie to her. It's okay to lie to women. They're not people like us. Peter Griffin: Well, I don't know. (Looks for Good Peter) Hey, where's the other guy? Good Peter: (Is stuck in traffic on a heaven highway) Come on, you bastard, I'm late for work! (Spills coffee on his robe) Oh oh oh, this is perfect.
Good Peter: Hey sorry, man, am I late? What did I miss? Peter Griffin: Thank God you're here. What do I do? Bad Good Peter: Tell him to keep lying. He's in too deep. Good Peter: Well, I don't know... (Looks for good side) Hey, where's the other guy? Good Good Peter: (Is stuck on the same highway in his tiny car) Ah, this is unbelieveable!
Tom Tucker: Coming up next: Can bees think? A new study indicates that no, they cannot.
Peter Griffin: Make like Siamese twins and split... and then one of you die.
Lois Griffin: Brian, you've really been enjoying your wine lately. Brian Griffin: It's only my second glass. (takes a sip from a 7-11 Big Gulp cup)
Peter Griffin: Hey, camera guy. Check this out. (holding up an old woman puppet) Peter Griffin: 'Peter Griffin and Madame.' Oh, Madam, you're a lusty old gal, aren't you? Peter Griffin: (as Madame) You're the one with your hand up my backside, darling. Peter Griffin: Oh! She got me!
Ghost: Come hither and give heed! Peter Griffin: Sorry buddy, I don't swing that way.
Doctor: Mr Griffin, all your tests came back negative. As it turns out, the lump on your chest is just a fatty corpusle. Peter Griffin: Fatty Corpusle? Wait a minute... How the hell can a dead comedian from the silent movie era be lodged in my left bosom?
Peter Griffin: (doing the laundry) Hey, where's my sock? Hey! (crawls into the dryer and arrives in Narnia) Goat Man: Welcome to Narnia, I am Mr Tumnus. Peter Griffin: Hey, give me back my sock, you goat bastard!
Lois Griffin: Peter, where the hell have you been? We had a date. Peter Griffin: Oh sorry, honey, I must have lost track of the time. But what do you say, eh? 'Think the guys will like it? Lois Griffin: This is why you missed our dinner? To make a bar for your friends? Peter Griffin: Yeah, isn't it great? Oh boy, I feel just like Tim Allen. I build stuff and I have a criminal record. (grunts)
Meg Griffin: Oh no! I'm missing the news! Peter Griffin: We all miss The News, Meg, but Huey Lewis needs time to create, and we need to be patient.
(waiting in line for bathroom after drinking prune smoothie) Peter Griffin: Hooold it... hooooold it...
(doorbell rings; Peter's boss, Mr Weed, is coming over for dinner) Peter Griffin: That must be him. Oh God! I hope that thing doesn't happen where I get nervous and can't control of the volume of my voice. (answers door) Mr Jonathan Weed: Hello Peter. How are you? Peter Griffin: (yelling) Fine! Peter Griffin: (quietly) Please come in.
(Stewie taunts a girl who has fallen down a well) Stewie Griffin: It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
Glen Quagmire: HEY GET THE HELL OFF MY... well hello lips, legs, breasts, and ass.
Death: I'm gonna need that picture of Olmos' (Edward James Olmos) ass back. Peter Griffin: Oh. Yeah, right.
Peter Griffin: (Peter enters Meg's classroom wearing a towel) Hey Meg, you mind cleaning out the shower the next time you shave your legs? It's like a carpet in there.
Peter Griffin: (Peter's letter to Fox about "Coach", hyphens around the sections that get deleted by TippEx) if you don't put 'coach' back on the air i'll -be really upset. the s- kill -ful acting of- craig t. nelson -will be missed a lot- signed peter griffin
(looking into a woman's window with binoculars while she is undressing) Mr Rogers: Hello, neighbor.
Old Woman: Aw, look at you! I bet you're hungry. Stewie Griffin: And I bet your lost your virginity to a mechanical bull. Now change me!
Joe Swanson: (to Brian, who just joined the police force) Great job, rookie! Cop #1: You're a real credit to the force! Cop #2: Additional generic cop compliment, Brian!
Meg Griffin: (irate after being replaced on a Griffin Family reality show) How could you let them replace me? Peter Griffin: Believe me, Meg, it was better than Plan B. (Cut to the operating tent from M*A*S*H) Peter Griffin: (Brian walks in) Brian, put a mask on! Brian Griffin: I have an announcement: The plane carrying Meg Griffin was shot down over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There were no survivors. Stewie Griffin: (enters wearing a dress) Who do I see about a Section Eight?
Stewie Griffin: Hey! Look at this (bow tie spins in a circle) Wow! Looks like I had to much coffee! (pulls out a cigar) Ha cha cha cha cha cha cha!
Peter Griffin: I'd like to propose a toast to our neighbors. Sure they might be black, handicapped, and a heartless sex hound, but hey, if they moved out some smelly Hawaiians might move in.
Tom Tucker: (on the phone with his wife) Honey, I won't be home tonight. I have a hooker coming over. Well what about the pool man? He seems to like you.
Peter Griffin: (after learning about his African American ancestor Nate Griffin) Wow, then it's true. Chris Griffin: Cool! I get to be black AND Irish. Meg Griffin: Yeah, and now I can wear clothes that actually show off my big butt.
Peter Griffin: Lois, come see what I did with the money your dad gave me. Lois Griffin: Oh my God. You turned the den into Pee-Wee's Playhouse? Peter Griffin: (singing) Come on, get up / Knock off your napping / It's a crazy, messed up place where anything can happen / There's a chair that freakin' talks. Hey look! / There's some fish that give advice. Holy crap / It's screwey at Peter's Playhouse. Ha ha ha. Watch this, Lois. (imitates Pee-Wee) Peter Griffin: Hewy Jambi. Brian Griffin: (as Jambi the Genie) Mekka-lekka-hi, mekka-hinie - God, I hate you so much. Lois Griffin: Peter, that reparation money should be going to worthy black charity. Peter Griffin: Lois, the King of Cartoons will be here in 5 minutes. I will not have you embarrass me. Lois Griffin: Peter, you're acting ridiculous. Peter Griffin: (everyone screams, "Ridiculous" flashes at the bottom of the screen) You said the secret word!
(Adam West is trying to win a promotion for Pawtucket Pat's brewery, and is talking to a beer bottle) Adam West: Now you listen to me, you long-necked bastard. Give me that silver scroll, and I'll make you Head of Sanitation for the entire city. It's a do-nothing job, sweet-cake.
(the Griffins have been invited for dinner at the Campbells, a family of nudists) Dotty Campbell: Peter, can I get you a beer? I've got Bush. (Peter unwillingly looks down at Dotty's crotch) Dotty Campbell: Oh, and Bush Lite.
(the family is relocated to a small house in the South) Meg Griffin: Eww, we're going to be living here? Lois Griffin: Now come on Meg, I bet if we fixed it up a little, it could be a piece of crap.
Jennifer Love Hewitt: I can't believe you ordered a pie for an appetizer! Peter Griffin: It's okay, I'm gonna go to the John and fire one out in about five minutes. That should make room for dinner.
(after having sex) Social Worker: Glen, honey. Can I ask you a question? What do you do for a living? Quagmire: Heh! I got a question for you too. Why are you still here?
Glen Quagmire: I felt guilty once, but she woke up halfway through.
Rising Stars Instructor: Look, it's your first marquee! (the sign reads "Simon & Garfunkel" followed by "Olivia & Stewie") Olivia: It's pretty cool, huh? Stewie Griffin: The marquee or the other thing? Olivia: What other thing? Stewie Griffin: You know- the sex... with Simon. I mean, why else would your name be first? Olivia: Well, it makes sense ya know. Lead with strength, put your BEST foot forward. (pause) Stewie Griffin: So the sex was good?
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself, you know. Brian Griffin: Yeah, like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life. Peter Griffin: (flashback) I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course, I would never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life. (Lois slugs Peter, knocking him out - cut to nighttime) Peter Griffin: I awoke several hours later in a daze.
Peter Griffin: Brian, tape this for me. Brian Griffin: Oh, sorry. The VCR hasn't worked since you tried to tape Monday Night Football. (Flashback: FBI Agents burst in just as Peter is about to tape) FBI Agent: Do you have the expressed written consent of ABC Sports and the National Football League? Peter Griffin: Just ABC. (FBI Agents blow the VCR to bits)
Peter Griffin: That's about as funny as Sinbad. Not the comedian, he's hilarious. The sailor. But then again he was never meant to be funny.
Quagmire: (walks between two women) sorry, I didnt mean to come between you... or did I?
Chris Griffin: (driving around with Quagmire, sees a woman walking) excuse me you dropped something... my jaw! hehe all right.
(Brian tries to distract an angry mob of rednecks) Brian Griffin: Hey, look over there! It's a newly married inter-racial gay couple burning the American Flag!
(Peter has lost his ability to play the piano) Lois Griffin: Peter, talent doesn't disappear just like that! Peter Griffin: Well, sometimes it does. I mean, you were pretty bad in bed Saturday night. (Flashback) Peter Griffin: Come on Lois, move or something! Jeez, it's like doing it with a pillow. Lois Griffin: Peter, I stayed at my mother's that night. Peter Griffin: Oh.
Chris Griffin: I'm so hungry I could ride a horse!... I don't get it. Well, I could ride it to the store I guess.
Brian Griffin: I guess anything's better than looking at your smelly face! Meg Griffin: Mom! Lois Griffin: Now honey, your face smells fine.
Lois Griffin: (on Meg's shoulders) Just a little higher, honey. Meg Griffin: Mom, I don't think I can... (sinks) Girl: Who's holding Lois? Boy: Some guy named Mel.
Stewie Griffin: (accidently rips off the tail of Brian's dead mother) Oh, relax. The old girl didn't have much to wag about these days, anyway.
Stewie Griffin: (looking at a picture of Jesus) Look at Jesus over there all by himself! (referring to another picture) Stewie Griffin: You would think those bulldogs would invite him over to play poker with them.
Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin: (singing) You and I are / So awfully different / Too awfully different / To ever be pals Stewie Griffin: Do you want to go first? Brian Griffin: Yeah, I'll go! Your favorite hero is the Marquis de Sade / Stewie Griffin: Oh, you're one to talk! You get a stiffy from Felicia Rashad / Brian Griffin: Oh, one time! (gets a sudden erection) Stewie Griffin: I've a style flair / Just look at my hip hair Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, that - that's quite a nice do there / Stewie Griffin: Oh, thanks! Brian Griffin: (imitating Triumph the Insult Comic Dog) For me to POOP on! Stewie Griffin: What? Brian Griffin: Oh, come on! You look like Charlie Brown! Stewie Griffin: Oh, bite me, Snoopy! Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin: There's not / A whole lot / That we've got / To agree on Brian Griffin: 'Cause I love the strings of a classical score / Stewie Griffin: And I like that singer who looks like a whore / Brian Griffin: Ricky Martin? Stewie Griffin: Love him! Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin: We're too different to ever be pals /
Brian Griffin: The sixties brought the hippie breed / And decades later, things have changed indeed / We lost the values, but we kept the weed / You've got a lot to see / The Reagan years have laid the frame / For movie stars to play the White House game / We're not to far from voting Feldman-Haim / You've got a lot to see / The town of Vegas / Has got a different face / 'Cause it's a family place / With lots to do / Where in the fifties / A man could mingle with scores / Of all the seediest whores / Well now his children can too / You heard it from the canine's mouth / The country's changed, that is except the South / And you'll agree / No one really knows, my dear lady friend / Just quite how it all will end / So hurry, 'cause you've got a lot to see / The baldness gene was cause for dread / But that's a fear that you can put to bed / They'll shave your ass and glue it on your head / You've got a lot to see / The PC age has moved the bar / A word like "redneck" is a step too far / The proper term is "country music star" / You've got a lot to see / Our flashy cell phones / Make people mumble, "Gee whiz" / "Look how important he is" / "His life must rule" / You'll get a tumor / But on your surgery day / The doc will see it and say / "Wow, you must really be cool" / Tom Tucker: There's lots of things you may have missed! Adam West: Like Pee-Wee and his famous wrist! Cleveland: Or Sandy Duncan's creepy phony eye! Neil Goldman: That awesome "Thundercats" cartoon! Diane Simmons: Neil Armstrong landing on the moon! Meg Griffin: Neil Armstrong? Wait, was he the trumpet guy? Brian Griffin: So let's go see the USA / They'll treat you right, unless you're black or gay / Or Cherokee / But you can forgive he world and its flaws / And follow me there, because / You've still got a hell of a lot to see / You've got a lot to see /
Randy Savage: I must be in Quahog, cause all I see is a bunch of hicks!
Brian Griffin: (imitating Truman Capote) Audrey Hepburn not only looked like she didn't have Breakfast at Tiffany's, but that she hadn't eaten anything in a year! Oh, ho, ho. I'm such a bitch.
Stewie Griffin: (in a Southern accent) Warm out today. Warm out yesterday. Even warmer today. (strums up his banjo) Stewie Griffin: (singing) Met her on my CB / Said her name was Mimi / Sounded like an angel come to Earth / Banjo Chorus: Come to Earth / Stewie Griffin: But when I finally meet her / Boy, you should've seen her / Twice as tall as me, three times the girth / Banjo Chorus: Girth / Stewie Griffin: Oh, my fat baby loves to eat / Banjo Chorus: Loves to eat / Stewie Griffin: A big old Buddha belly, and her breasts swing past her feet / Stewie Griffin: Oh, my fat baby loves to eat / Banjo Chorus: Eat / Stewie Griffin: My big ol' fatass baby loves to eat! Stewie Griffin: (shouts) I GOT BLISTERS ON ME FINGERS!
Police Officer: (after he brings Brian home from the streets; to Peter) And the fine is $10.00. (to Brian) Now you behave yourself, little guy. Understand? Brian Griffin: (sarcastically in a Southern voice) Oh Lordy, Lordy I'll never roam again! (Peter closes the door) Brian Griffin: Jackass.
(Stewie's bath turns to blood) Stewie Griffin: How positively delightful... it's as if someone stabbed Mr Bubble.
Stewie Griffin: (pointing a mind-control device at Lois) Aha, mother. So we meet again. Lois Griffin: Stewie, I thought I tucked you in bed. Stewie Griffin: Not tightly enough, you see.
Lois Griffin: Peter, you've never done anything creative in your life! Peter Griffin: That's not true! I wrote "Bonfire of the Vanities". Lois Griffin: No, you didn't! Peter Griffin: (after long pause) You win this round, Lois!
Doctor: Mayor West, I'm afraid you have lymphoma. Adam West: Oh. Doctor: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste. Adam West: I see. Doctor: What in God's name were you trying to prove? Adam West: I was trying to gain super powers. Doctor: Well, that's just silly! Adam West: Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes.
Lois Griffin: You all think Christmas just happens. You think all this goodwill just falls from the freakin' sky. Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So you can cook your own damn turkey. Wrap your own damn presents. And hey, while you're at it, you can all ride a one horse open sleigh to hell!
Stewie Griffin: You didn't love me. It was my cookies! Well, sugar, the bakery just closed. Go get your fill somewhere else, you oatmeal-raisin-loving freak!
Stewie Griffin: The life of the wife is ended by the knife.
Stewie Griffin: (controlling a robot Peter) Blast, you vile woman! Peter Griffin: Blast, you vile woman! Stewie Griffin: Ugh, that'll never do... translator. You there, with the severe aesthetic deficiencies! Peter Griffin: Hey, ugly! Stewie Griffin: Excellent. Hahahahaha! Peter Griffin: Sweet. Hehehehehe!
Stewie Griffin: Voice control... Hi, I'm Chris. Chris Griffin: Hi, I'm Chris. Stewie Griffin: Eviscerate the proletariat! Chris Griffin: Eviscerate the proletariat! Stewie Griffin: (sings) If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits? Chris Griffin: Puttin' on the ritz! Stewie Griffin: Not my bit, but funny still.
Peter Griffin: (singing to Lois) Lois, you can't spell Love without L-O, You can't spell is without I-S, you can't spell... silo without Lois.
(Peter is watching "Happy Days". Someone tries to talk to him) Peter Griffin: Hold on! This is the one where the Fonz says "Aaay!" Fonzi: Aaay! Peter Griffin: YES! Take that, 1950's society!
Peter Griffin: All right, here's my one-man show, "Winston Churchill, We Hardly Knew Ye." Okay, act one. (high-pitched voice) I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like some tea? I would because I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like a crumpet? I would because I'm Winston Churchill. Do you like to wear knickers? I do because I'm Winston Churchill.
Peter Griffin: Christmas is the time of year when the ghost of Jesus rises from the grave to feast on the flesh of the living and we sing Christmas carols to lull him back to sleep.
Meg Griffin: Mom! Mom! Chris found a jar in the basement with a hand in it! Chris Griffin: I'm gonna plant it and see if a human grows!
Gun Safety Instructor: Remember, guns don't kill people. Dangerous minorities do.
Brian Griffin: Want to go get an ice cream? Will that make you feel better? (Stewie shakes his head) Brian Griffin: Want to get some McDonald's? (Stewie shakes his head) Brian Griffin: Want to go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? (Stewie nods) Brian Griffin: All right, let's take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.
Brian Griffin: Peter, being a hero is just being someone that somebody can look up to. Peter Griffin: People have looked up to me... Remember that time I read to those kids at Sunday school. Brian Griffin: Ah, when you forgot all the lyrics to the songs? Peter Griffin: (flashback to church) (Peter is singing a song to the kids) Jesus really loves me./ He loves me a whole bunch./ That's why he puts Skippy in my lunch.
Peter Griffin: (Peter has taken a hose to the staircase and sprayed it with water) Hey, Brian, I made a waterslide with the stairs! (goes down the stairs hitting bumps until he hurts himself, and starts crying like a little kid) Brian Griffin: I'm not going to call the hospital because you wouldn't learn anything if I do.
Peter Griffin: (slurring, drunk) This comedian sucks. He couldn't make me laugh even if I was laughin' my ass off and he was the one makin' me do it. Come on, skinny, make me laugh! Lois Griffin: Peter, that's a microphone stand. Peter Griffin: Oh, well, excuse me for thinkin' that a microphone stand in a comedy club should tell a joke or two. I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way.
Lois Griffin: Glen, I need your help. Glen Quagmire: Sure, Lois. I'd do everything to you. Lois Griffin: What? Glen Quagmire: I'd do anything for you.
Chris Griffin: Oh, my God, the Government's here! Run E.T.! E.T.: Ahhhh!
Chris Griffin: Go away, you're not welcome here! (pointing at his fat stomach) Meg Griffin: Wow, Chris, did you lose weight? You're wicked skinny, I'm jealous. Chris Griffin: Thanks Meg. I'm jealous of your moustache. Meg Griffin: Mom? Lois Griffin: Oh, it's fine, Meg. It makes you look dignified. Meg Griffin: But, Mom! Lois Griffin: Now I love all of my children equally.
(Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire are forming a band) Brian Griffin: You know, Peter, just because you guys entertained a bunch of drunken idiots at a karaoke bar doesn't mean you have what it takes to form a band. Peter Griffin: Oh, Brian, you're just ants at a picnic. We're going to be awesome! Brian Griffin: Wait, what am I? I'm ants at a picnic? Is that what you just said? I just - I'm ants at a picnic. All right, just making sure. (leaves)
(Peter goads various people to fight Lois, including Superman characters) Peter Griffin: Jets suck, Yankees suck, Knicks suck... Krypton sucks.
Peter Griffin: (Peter is dressed as Gary, the No-Trash Cougar) Pick up your trash! (takes out a gun and waves it around) Pick up your trash! Peter Griffin: (points to a wayward cup) I wanna know whose cup this is! Peter Griffin: (fires two shots into the ceiling) I said, I wanna know whose cup this is! Peter Griffin: (little girl raises her hand) Pick it up! Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up! (little girl picks up the cup) Peter Griffin: Thank you, sweetie! You see what a nicer place this is when we all pitch in? Peter Griffin: Like Gary the No-Trash Cougar says, "Give a lobbage - throw out your garbage" (fires two more shots into the ceiling)
Stewie Griffin: The port is quite good. Brian Griffin: Yes, quite good. Chris Griffin: Indeed. Peter Griffin: Most certainly. Brian Griffin: What year is it? Chris Griffin: '51. Peter Griffin: Ah. Stewie Griffin: Delectable. Brian Griffin: Indeed. Chris Griffin: Yes. Peter Griffin: (Peter bursts into flames) Oh, dear. Brian Griffin: What is it? Peter Griffin: I spontaneously combusted. Stewie Griffin: Oh, I am sorry. Peter Griffin: Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living. Stewie Griffin: Ah, very good then. Chris Griffin: For the best. Brian Griffin: Yes, indeed. Stewie Griffin: Tsk-uh! Is it raining again?
Brian Griffin: You know what might be a thrill for you guys? Chris Griffin: Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!
(Peter is visting Willy Wonka's chocolate factory) Willy Wonka: I'll ask you one more time - are you sure you didn't eat anything in my factory? (Peter has become a giant blueberry) Peter Griffin: No. Willy Wonka: I'm just asking... Peter Griffin: What? Are you calling me a liar? Willy Wonka: No, I'm just saying... Peter Griffin: Hey, shut up, Wonka!
Bonnie Swanson: Yeah, I don't want to bring a baby into the world with a man like him running around. Peter Griffin: Ok, first of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for like six years. Either have the baby or don't. Secondly, Quagmire's a good guy, he... Bonnie Swanson: (Peter is attacked by the giant chicken and a five-minute fight ensues)
Crackle: Those freakin' elves, man. They just came out of the trees, they just came out of the trees! Pop: You saved my ass back there, man. Crackle: You saved mine. Crackle: (as he lifts his beer in a toast) Here's to Snap! Pop: (they clink glasses) To Snap!
Peter Griffin: (is reading very loudly while intoxicated) Aw, don't be ashamed of your hand, Johnny Tremain, you still live in exciting times. (he sees a cop) Peter Griffin: Aww, crap. Police Officer: Sir, do you know how loud you were reading? Peter Griffin: (hesitates, and tries to evade the cop, still reading) The-life-of-a-silver-smith's-apprentice-was-not-an-easy-one... (crashes into a bookshelf)
Adam West: Damnit, Swanson, I want them found! Joe Swanson: Mayor West, we have every available man looking for the Griffins, we just don't have any leads. Adam West: Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite Brite pieces! My name isn't "Adam We"... or is it? Who am I? What number did you call? Don't ever call here again. (he hangs up the phone) Adam West: I guess I told him! Nobody messes with Adam We!
Peter Griffin: Hey, Mort, do these suppositories come in any other flavors? Mort Goldman: Peter! You're not eating those, are you? Peter Griffin: (sarcastically) No, I'm shoving them up my butt. Of course I'm eating them.
Adam West: (after hearing Peter, Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland singing Journey's "Don't Stop Believing") I love this song! And I love it more when amateurs sing the lyrics! But I hate baseball cards.
Meg Griffin: Lois, get me another bag of Skittles. Lois Griffin: Excuse me, young lady? Meg Griffin: Did I freakin' stutter? I said, more Skittles! Lois Griffin: That is it, young lady. Ever since you've got that makeover you've developed a terrible attitude and this success with the family band is only making it worse. Meg Griffin: The "family" band? Perhaps you haven't noticed, Lois but *I am* the band. Right, Ms Swan? Ms Swan: Oh, yeah, she the band. Old lady jealous.
Peter Griffin: (shouting out the window) Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period! Joe Swanson: *Peter*! Shut up! It's three in the morning! Cleveland: What the hell's going on out there? Glen Quagmire: Damn it! People are trying to sleep! Peter Griffin: I'm just saying, she's a woman. I'm proud of her. Yay! Glen Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot and I'll deal with it in the morning but right now I'm exhausted.
Stewie Griffin: You know, it's dangerous for me to be walking around the mall at my height. I say, let me get on your back. (hops on Brian's back) Brian Griffin: Oh, God! Stewie Griffin: Strong with the force young Skywalker is. Brian Griffin: I don't believe this. Stewie Griffin: That is why you fail!
Lois Griffin: (Lois is trying to pull Joe from falling to his death) You're to heavy! I can't hold on! Joe Swanson: Pretend I'm your child (her grip starts to slip) Joe Swanson: Not Meg! Not Meg!
Stewie Griffin: (Stewie looks into the mirror after applying some lipstick to his face) Well, I say, look at you there. You're a filthy girl, aren't you? Yes. You're looking for a bad time. That's what you're after. You're a dirty flirt. You want it bad. You don't care where you get it becasue you have no self-respect and that gets you off, doesn't it?
Lois Griffin: All right, Stewie, hold on to these while mommy goes to get some apples. (hands him plastic bags) Stewie Griffin: Oh, yes, how clever, Lois, to leave a child with a plastic bag that he can suffocate himself with. Well, I'm going to do it! (tries to put it over his head but it doesn't fit) That's right I'm going to do it! (tries putting it on the side of his head then climbing in it but it doesn't fit) Good Lord, Lois. Either I was a c-section or you're Wonder Woman.
Peter: Ah, Los Angeles! Everything's big, everything's grand, and they always say something witty right before the commercial break. (Peter looks confused. Five beats, then CUT TO COMMERCIAL)
Lois Griffin: (Stewie has just seen his parents having sex) Honey, there's nothing wrong with what you saw... in fact, that's sort of how you were created... Stewie Griffin: Oh! That is a vile and odious lie! Get out of here woman, get out! (Lois leaves, Brian enters) Brian Griffin: Oh, God. You saw them together, didn't you? Stewie Griffin: Ngg... (Stewie nods) Brian Griffin: You know the tub where you take your little baths? They've done it there, too.
(Peter calls in sick to work) Peter Griffin: Mr Weed, I can't come to work today because I was in a terrible plane crash. My family is dead and I am a vegetable. See you tomorrow. (Peter gets caught by his boss) Peter Griffin: Remember that plane crash I had? It turned out to be gas.
Brian Griffin: No, Peter. Martin Luther King. Peter Griffin: What about the guy who was in Space: The Final Frontier? Brian Griffin: That was Martin Landau. Peter Griffin: What about the guy who was in House Party? Brian Griffin: That was Martin Lawrence. Peter Griffin: What about the drink that you put on ice? Brian Griffin: That's Martini And Rossi. Peter Griffin: What about the guy who was in Apocalypse Now? Brian Griffin: He was Mar... Mar... something. Peter Griffin: *Wrong*! It was Tom Beringer. We were looking for Tom Beringer. Brian Griffin: Well, thanks for having me on the show. I really enjoyed it. (pauses) Brian Griffin: (shouts) Wait a minute!
Glen Quagmire: (Quagmire slowly peaks out at Meg's slumber party) Oh, come on! You girls are boring the crap out of me! You know what I'm going to do? I... I... I'm going to go home and watch a dirty movie now! It's all this mindless chattering is what it is! (he leaves) Meg: Wow, that was weird. Hey, you wanna compare breasts?
Brian Griffin: This was even stupider than that time that Peter locked his keys out of his car.
Carter Pewterschmidt: Are you saying I'm gay? Peter Griffin: What? You mean you don't want more sea men on your poop deck?
(live hurricane report) Tom Tucker: And now to Ollie Williams, with our live hurricane report. Ollie? Ollie Williams: It's rainin' sideways! Tom Tucker: Don't you have an umbrella, Ollie? Ollie Williams: Had one! Tom Tucker: Where is it? Ollie Williams: Inside-out, five miles away! Tom Tucker: Can we get you anything, Ollie? Ollie Williams: Bring me some soup! Tom Tucker: What kind? Ollie Williams: Chunky!
(during a romantic dinner) Lois Griffin: (seductively) You know, I'm not wearing any panties. Stewie Griffin: Don't worry. We can always throw that chair out.
Lois Griffin: (referring to Peter) This from a man who thinks the plural of goose is sheep.
Lana Lockhart: It's good to meet you, Mr and Mrs Griffen. Lois Griffin: Well, we wanted to talk to you about our son. You see, Chris really... Peter Griffin: Lois, honey, let's make sure we do this delicately, all right? Mrs Lockhart, our son... would like... to plough you.
Stewie Griffin: (in an Amsterdam hash bar) The only reason we die, is because we accept death as an inevitability.
(to Brian) Stewie Griffin: How you uh, how you comin' on that novel you're working on? Huh? Got a a big, uh, big stack of papers there? Got a, got a nice litte story you're working on there? Your big novel you've been working on for three years? Huh? Got a, got a compelling protagonist? Yeah? Got a obstacle for him to overcome? Huh? Got a story brewing there? Working on, working on that for quite some time? Huh? Yeah, talking about that three years ago. Been working on that the whole time? Nice little narrative? Beginning, middle, and end? Some friends become enemies, some enemies become friends? At the end your main character is richer from the experience? Yeah? Yeah? No, no, you deserve some time off.
Jasper: So! Do you like "Sex and the City"? Brian Griffin: Yeah, it's an all right show. Jasper: I wasn't talking about the show. Ooooh I'm nasty! (makes a ship horn sound) Somebody ship me out to sea!
Peter Griffin: They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV and she looks like a foot.
Lois Griffin: Hey, everybody, wait till you see this. Peter Griffin: Oh, my God. Moveable printed type. We must keep this from the serfs, lest they gain literacy and threaten the landed gentry. Serf: What you got there, m'lord? Peter Griffin: Nothing! Back to your turnips!
FCC officer: (at a urinal) Two shakes, that's the limit. Adam West: Why thank you, tinkle fairy.
Chris Griffin: Are we there yet? Lois Griffin: No, Chris, honey, we're not. Chris Griffin: Are we there yet? Lois Griffin: No, Chris. Chris Griffin: Are we there yet? Lois Griffin: Yes, Chris, yes, okay? We're there! Chris Griffin: Liar!
Lois Griffin: Peter, you brought this on yourself by putting on those filthy shows. Peter Griffin: Oh, Lois, you are so full of... (a representative from the FCC blows an air horn, drowning out Peter's final word) Peter Griffin: What? I can't say (horn) in my own (horn) house! (horn) great, Lois! Just (horn) great! You know, you're lucky you're good at (horn) my (horn) or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about, when you (horn) a lubed up (horn) of toothpaste in my (horn) while you (horn) on a cherry (horn) Episcopalian (horn) extension cord (horn) wetness (horn) with a parking ticket. That is the best.
Brian Griffin: Do you have a bathroom? President of the New Yorker: Yes, follow me. (takes Brian to a room where there are sinks, but no toilets) Brian Griffin: Um... where are the toilets? President of the New Yorker: Oh, no one at the New Yorker has an anus.