Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask
1972
Friend: (in Italian) You got to play with her before you lay her. Fabrizio: (in Italian) For how long? Friend: (in Italian) Fifteen minutes. Half hour. Depends on the woman. Fabrizio: (in Italian) How long with your wife? Friend: (in Italian) Thirty seconds. Fabrizio: (in Italian, in awe) Lucky!
The Fool: My father! You who died in childbirth!
Victor Shakapopulis: I don't know if you've read my book, "Advanced Sexual Positions: How to Achieve Them Without Laughing."
The Operator: Can we please have an erection? What the hell is going on down there?
The Operator: Think we're gonna have intercourse tonight?
The Queen: Kiss me quick! The Fool: Yes!... where is your quick?
The Queen: Ah, 'tis the chastity belt that the jealous King hath fastened upon me that no one but he shalst have the goods of the body. The Fool: Yeah, it's a pretty bad break for all of us at the Palace.
(the Fool standing next to the Queen in her bedroom) The King: (to the Queen) Come, give me a kiss. The Fool: 'Course, Milord - stick out your tongue.
The Fool: Before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting.
The Fool: With most grievous dispatch I shall open the latch to get at her snatch!
(The King has caught the Fool hiding in the Queen's dress) The Fool: Hi Milord! You remember when you said if I was ever in town, I should look up your wife?
(Dr Ross's wife has caught him in bed with a sheep wearing sexy black garters) Mrs Ross: (upset) How could you? Dr Doug Ross: This is Mrs Bencours, one of my patients. She thinks she's a sheep.
(Dr Ross is in divorce court) Divorce Court Judge: The defendant did commit an adulterous act with a sheep - most distasteful in view of the fact that the sheep was under 18 years old.
Gina: (in Italian) Fabrizio, go easy on my hymen.
Gina: (in Italian) It was my first time. Did you like it? Fabrizio: (in Italian) Me? Are you kidding? More fun than laughing.
(Fabrizio tries in vain to get Gina excited) Fabrizio: (romantically, in Italian, as he rubs her) Foreplay... foreplay... foreplay... foreplay... foreplay... (a long time later, Gina is still insensitive) Fabrizio: (sleepily, in Italian) Foreplay... foreplay... foreplay... (Fabrizio falls asleep on top of her)
Woods County Sheriff: (on radio) Be on the look out for a large female breast. Victor Shakapopulis: It's about a 4000 with an X-cup. Woods County Sheriff: About a 4000 with an X-cup.
Helen Lacey: You're insane! Dr Bernardo: That's what they called me at Masters and Johnson for creating a 400-foot diaphragm. Contraception for the entire nation at once!
Sperm #1: I'm not getting shot out of that thing. What if he's masturbating? I'm liable to end up on the ceiling.
Helen Lacey: Oh, Victor, please don't do anything dangerous! Victor Shakapopulis: Don't worry. I know how to handle tits.
Dr Bernardo: In here I have twenty scouts. I want to measure your respiration when they gang-bang you.