Even Stevens
2000
Ren Stevens: I'm sorry, but sometimes you just have to stick to your principles. Principal Wexler: Do not talk to a principal about principles.
Principal Wexler: Holy Bundt Cakes.
Principal Wexler: If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the hot tub.
Tawny Dean: I've never had a boyfriend before. Louis Stevens: Me neither.
Twitty: You know what a win-win situation is, right? Louis Stevens: Yeah. Twitty: Well, this is the exact same thing. Except, it's lose-lose. Louis Stevens: That's great.
(Louis finds out he will be wrestling a girl) Louis Stevens: But, you're a girl. And I, (makes hand signals) wrestle with... Mimi: Good grammar.
(Louis is wrestling a girl) Steve Stevens: Take him down. Her down. Boy, girl, it doesn't matter. Take that person down.
Beans: How was Chicago? Steve Stevens: Windy.
Ren Stevens: Daddy, I know sending Louis to military school is a little harsh, but tough love is our only option. Steve Stevens: We are not sending Louis to military school. Too expensive.
Louis Stevens: (as Mike Hageman) On second thought, my bladder's only half full, or half empty... depending on your world view.
Louis Stevens: You gotta understand, I tried to be mature and cool. And, and the next thing I know I'm up on stage wearing Tom's pants. Tawny Dean: So what are we supposed to do? Louis Stevens: Let's just say one of us might not be ready for a relationship.
Louis Stevens: What's living if you never pull your shorts down and slide on the ice Ren?
Louis Stevens: I am making a quality cucumber shake here. Ren Stevens: Not on my time.
(Louis believes someone has stolen his video tape) Louis Stevens: Oh, so it's going to be the "Louis, we have no idea what you're talking about" routine. Steve Stevens: Louis. We have no idea what you're talking about.
Ren Stevens: May I please have permission to FedEx Louis to Timbuktu before June-Marie gets here? Eileen Stevens: Absolutely not. UPS is so much cheaper.
Louis Stevens: (to Ren) I have the right to question all the suspects. You.
Tom Gribalski: Happy family, on vacation. Louis' fly is open.
Tawny: Think it'll really work? Tom Gribalski: Pssh. Ahahaha. I hope so.
Donnie: Hey Ren? Jewel's on the phone. Ren Stevens: I told you to hold my calls. Donnie: She is on hold. Duh.
Donnie Stevens: I have no idea what's going on here. I'm gonna go in the kitchen where the world makes sense.
Jane: Actually, I'm not a princess. My father's a duke. Alan Twitty: It's okay. I know how you feel. My dad can be like that too sometimes.
Louis Stevens: Why did they pick Larry Beale for Scrubmaster? I mean, he's mean, he's nasty, he's brutal, and that's just to his mother.
Louis Stevens: Is it fair that Pluto has to wear a leash and sleep in a doghouse while Goofy, who is also a dog, gets to drive around in a car and play golf with Mickey?
Principal Wexler: Any humiliating or degrading of seventh graders must be done during lunch hours only. And remember... keep it fun.
Ren Stevens: The only job I've ever had is a lemonade stand. Ruby: There you go, extensive food related experience.
Eileen Stevens: Louis, where are your pants? Louis Stevens: (smiling and counting money) I sold them... for six bucks.
Beans: Wait. Stop. I, I can't take it, I'm just a little kid.
Louis Stevens: Jiminy H. Crickets III Jr...
Tom Gribalski: Louis, your honor has been besmirched. A real man would march up to that Zach Estrada and box his ears. Alan Twitty: Uh, Tom? A real man would never say "box his ears".
Louis Stevens: Some guy came for you Beans. Beans: I don't know him. Louis Stevens: I haven't even said his name yet.
Twitty: Some guy was looking for you today, Beans. Beans: I've never heard of him. Twitty: Yeah, I didn't even say his name yet, buddy. But his name is Mason. Beans: I've never heard of *him* either. Louis Stevens: He said he knows about the Long Journey Home. Beans: I don't know what you're talking about. I have to go.
Ren Stevens: Good, better, best. Never stop to rest till the good is better and the better best.
Beans: I *hate* fish. They smell like fish.
Louis Stevens: I see two-head people.
Tom Gribalski: Can you imagine skiing down those slopes with hot potatoes in your pockets? (Louis and Twitty look at Tom strangely) Tom Gribalski: To keep your hands warm.
Beans: Getting a little hippy there, eh, Professor Cuddle-Bottoms?
Beans: Does "gassy" have two "S"'s or three?
Ren Stevens: Why didn't you tell me you found Mr Pookie? Louis Stevens: Because, you know, you get all screamy, and mushy, jumping, crying, hugging... it's just horrible. Ren Stevens: All right. (Hands Louis drumsticks) Louis Stevens: Ren, what am I supposed to do with the drumsticks? REN? (Walks into family room where he sees a drum set) Family: SURPRISE. Louis Stevens: (Drops backpack) Oh... Thank you so much ma. (Starts jumping, screaming, and crying while hugging the family) Ren Stevens: Thanks for not getting mushy.
Louis Stevens: Now listen, the school ain't big enough for the both of us, so you just get out of here, and never besmirch my name again, Loomis. Loomis Freeman: What's "besmirch" mean? Louis Stevens: "Besmirch"? I don't what "besmirch"...
Twitty: Dude, you've gotta find Loomis. Louis Stevens: You can say that three times fast. Twitty: You've gotta find Loomis, you've gotta find Loomis, you've gotta find Loomis...
Louis Stevens: If a chicken had lips could it whistle?
Eileen Stevens: Ren, you don't normally watch The Old and the Beautiful.
Tom Gribalski: (trying to climb a fence) Oh, I seem to have ripped my trousers. I must go.
Eileen Stevens: (picks a CD out of Ren's CD case) Hmm... "The Limp Bizkits"... that sounds soothing.
Louis Stevens: (trying to trick Loomis into giving him the water ballon) Ok man, you win, there's no way I can get you. Oh, you got a little something on your nose, a little booger hanging out there Loomis Freeman: (checking his nose) What? Where? Louis Stevens: (grabs the balloon while Loomis is distarcted) What now buddy! What now!
Ren Stevens: Why don't we just FedEx him to military camp? Eileen Stevens: We will not FedEx Louis to military camp... UPS is much cheaper.
Larry Beale: (just before he is about to time Louis in track) Donnie Steven's kid brother - I might as well use an hour glass. Louis Stevens: Better yet, a calendar.
(Louis is using his house as a Bed & Brekafast) Louis Stevens: Of course the crown jewel of the garden cafe is the lovely Tawny Dean, she's the piano player here. We call her the human jukebox, because she knows all kinds of songs. Kitna Twin: Does she know "I hate this place, we should've gone to Hawaii?" Tawny Dean: (improvising a song) I hate this place / We should've gone to Hawaii / Where they say "aloha" / And roast little piggies.
(in song) Larry Beale: Ren got an F. That's got to be a first. I can't believe she messed up so badly. Ren got an F! This is my lucky day! I'm sorry that it had to end so sadly. (chorus) Ren got an F! Ren got an F! Ren got an F! Ren got an F!
Coach Tugnut: (Louis arrives after bell rings) You're late, Stevens! Louis Stevens: Or is it possible that everyone else on Earth is early?