Eddie Murphy Delirious
1983 (TV)
Eddie Murphy: My mother ran in the bathroom, see my big brother sitting in the bathroom with a piece of shit in his hand in the tub, I was laying in the bottom of the water with blood gushing out my eye, G.I. Joe up my ass. My mother's like, "What the fuck going on in here?"
Eddie Murphy: Now, a brother's dick is too big, so it'll fuck up his balance... Every time you see a brother in a wheelchair, he ain't always crippled.
Eddie Murphy: Bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" And the rabbit says, "No." So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
Eddie Murphy: I been seeing newspapers every Sunday morning, white dudes be in there in their drawers, never having no bulge in they drawers. Smiling at you. If I ain't have no bulge, I wouldn't be smiling!
Eddie Murphy: Brothers act like they couldn't have been slaves back 200 years ago. It's like the motherfuckers LIKED that shit. "I whish I was a slave, I would fuck somebody up! Shit, tell ME to bale some motherfucking cotton! I would been on the street and shit, would've come up and say, "Ay, yo, nigger, bale this cotton!" I would say, "Suck my DICK, massa!""
Eddie Murphy: Mick Jagger's lips' so big, black people be going, "You got some big-ass lips!"
Eddie Murphy: (about slavery) The first nigger who tried that shit... Somebody said, "Nigger, bale this cotton" and he said "Fuck you, Massa"... (sound of a whip) The other motherfuckers said, "All right, we'll bale the shit, all right. Just keep that fucking shit away from me."
Eddie Murphy: I have nightmares about gay people. I have this nightmare that I go to Hollywood, and find out Mr T is a faggot. Really. And he'd be walking up to people going: (Mr T voice) Eddie Murphy: Hey boy, hey boy! Ya look mighty cute in them jeans. Now come on over here... and fuck me up the ass! C'mon. I'm gonna bend over now. Grrr! Aaahh! Hey, boy, slow down, you're gonna mess around and come too fast. You'll make me get mad and I'll clench up my butt cheeks and rip your dick off!
Eddie Murphy: (Eddie takes the plane south, looking for racism.) ... he said "Is this your bag?" I said "Yeah, that's my fucking bag! Why, motherfucker? A black man can't have a suitcase?"
Eddie Murphy: Does anyone have a mother that would hit you with a shoe? I had a mother that would throw a shoe at you at the drop of a dime. And fuck you up wherever she was aiming. So by the time I was like ten, my mother was like Clint Eastwood with a shoe...