Eddie Izzard: Circle
2002 (V)
Eddie: There was Pope John if you remember, now there is Pope John Paul. The next Pope's gonna be John Paul George and we can see where they're going.
Eddie: He did apologise for the Spanish Inquisition. He said it was far too inquisitive. Supposed to be the Spanish Casual Chat.
Eddie: This is football we're talking about here, which you call bananas and you're reluctant to play it. But you play baseball, the World Series. You've won every year, America's won every year in that. Well done America.
Eddie: Whales are intelligent. They do whale song. (imitates whale song) We don't know what it means. But I think whales are travelling at 78. They're travelling at 78 speed, if we take them up to 45 speed we'll find they're singing. (sings) I love you baby and if it's quite alright I love you baby, throughout the night, I love you baby, trust in me when I say.
Eddie: Other animals could have secret talents, like tigers might be good with banjos.
Eddie: The right-wing papers in Britain, they loved it because they could sell all the newspapers. "You frenchy, froggy, froggy, frenchy. Our lovely beefy. You frenchy, froggy, frenchy". This was a Times editorial piece.
Eddie: But then the Roman Empire fell like this- "oh shit". And we went into what the historians called the Stupid Fucker period. Where everyone was going -"er, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it?" Then there was the dark Ages. " I can't even see you! Where are you?"
Eddie: (the Renaissance) But they had a French name. It gave them a certain Je ne sais quoi, a certain savoir faire, a certain détante. A certain... cul-de-sac, a certain... Jacques Chirac. A certain... pomme de terre. A certain vie de la Dordogne. Fuck it.
Eddie: (Leonardo da Vinci) And he invented the helicopter... that did... not... work. And so did I! Yeah. Did not work.
Eddie: (as Jesus, talking about the last supper) Well, what would you have done? Eddie: (as God) I would have done cheese and wine, cheese and wine goes together much better than bread and wine. "Eat this cheese for it is my body." Eddie: (as jesus) But it's Judea, Dad. Cheese melts. Eddie: (as God) Alright then, "Eat this cheese for it is my central nervous system." Hmmmmm. Alright, alright, "Now eat these chicken drumsticks, for they are my legs, eat these carrots, they are my arms, eat this tomato, it is my head, and eat these oysters, they are my kneecaps." Eddie: (as Jesus) If you do that Dad, your holy community is going to have priests with big trays yelling, "Who ordered the Body of Christ?"