Due South
1994
(Explaining an unusual scar) Fraser: It was an otter, I was ten, it was dead, someone hit me with it. Can we move on?
(At a buffet) Ray Vecchio: You know what I like about Canadians? They're real easy to elbow out of the way.
(Repeated line) Fraser: Thank you kindly.
Fraser: There is nothing more frustrating than playing hide and seek with a deaf wolf.
Fraser: This isn't just mail, Ray. This is a highly sensitive Canadian document. Ray Vecchio: Oh, you guys planning an invasion? Fraser: Well, I'm not entirely sure. I think I may have said too much already.
Ray Vecchio: I can't believe you threw your hat. Fraser: Well, it's got an incredibly stiff brim. It's actually specifically designed to ... Ray Vecchio: We're in the middle of a crisis and you throw your hat. Fraser: I'm sorry, Ray.
Ray Vecchio: You know we just took out seven guys? One more and you qualify for American citizenship.
Fraser Sr: February 13 - Ten years ago I would never have walked into something like this. A bear trap so poorly camouflaged a child would have seen it but I didn't. I pried it open and got my leg out but there was no way I could make it back. I was prepared to die out here. And to be honest, I felt I deserved it. A man gets too old for a job he should know it, and stop. But then Buck found me. I don't know how. No one knew where I was going but he found me and carried me back. Three days over terrain a mule couldn't navigate. Laughing his ass off the entire way. Riding like that, completely helpless, slung over Buck's shoulder and staring down his back I came to understand two things. One, at a certain point in life a man's hips spread and there's nothing you can do about it and two, there's a very easy way to define friendship. A friend is someone who won't stop until he finds you and brings you home.
Stanley Raymond Kowolski: Pitter patter, let's get atter.
Stanley Raymond Kowolski: You ever feel like, uh, you don't know who you are? Like, uh, if you weren't around somebody or that somebody wasn't around you that, uh, you wouldn't be you? Or at least not the you that you think you are? You, uh, you ever feel like that? Inspector Meg Thatcher: Never.
Fraser: Where I come from... the challenges are quite different. There are no drug dealers or pimps, few thieves to bother with. There's only the environment, and surviving in the face of it is the challenge... of the Inuit. A mother gives birth somewhere out on a glacier field, hundreds of miles from the nearest outpost. And she knows the odds are stacked against her son even living to see the spring; disease, or the lack of food, the elements. And even if he should survive and grow to be a boy, she knows very well that all he has to do is lose his footing on the smooth surface of a glacier and that will be that. In other words, she should know that her son... cannot live. So, why should she try? Well, I know this woman. I helped deliver her son. She was weak and undernourished, but the next morning she stood up and she picked her child up in her arms and... and she set out again into the blinding snow and I think... I think that was the single most courageous act I've ever seen.
Ray Vecchio: Does the word "incarcerate" mean anything to you? Fraser: Well it's from the Medieval Latin, "incarcerata... " Ray Vecchio: Medieval Latin? You let a perp go and you're giving me Medieval Latin? Fraser: Actually, "perpetrator" is also Latin, from "perpetrare... " Ray Vecchio: Shut up, ok? Just shut up.
Fraser: You know, you let a wolf save your life, they make you pay and pay and pay...
Fraser: My father said something that's always stuck with me, Ray. Ray Vecchio: Your father never shut up, did he?
Fraser: Bindlestitch. Ray Vecchio: You know, you've gotta stop swearing in Eskimo.
Francesca: Forgive me, Father, for what I am about to do. Father Behan: This isn't about the Mountie again, is it? Francesca: I know, I know, but this time I'm gonna do it. Father Behan: Francesca, I can't keep forgiving you in advance for something that never happens.
Ray Vecchio: Ah. here it is. 'Lloyd P. Nash.' You want to know what the 'P' stands for? Fraser: Is it pertinent? Ray Vecchio: Not even close.
Fraser: (to Diefenbaker) Stop stealing the blanket. (Diefenbaker whines) You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
Fraser Sr: Hello, son. Fraser: (warily) Hello Dad, how are you? Fraser Sr: I'm dead, son. Other than that do you mean? Fraser: No, that's what I was asking. Fraser Sr: Well, that's good. Never be ashamed to ask a stupid question, son.
Ray Vecchio: (after climbing out of a sewer and seeing Fraser is clean) What are you, Scotch-Guarded at birth?
Fraser: (Diefenbaker is half on, half off Vecchio while the detective is driving the car) He's deaf. You have to speak very loud and very slow and enunciate. Ray Vecchio: GET-OFF-ME-EXCLAMATION-MARK!
Fraser: Who the hell are you? Ray Vecchio: What? Quit kidding around; you know who I am! Fraser: Who the hell am I? Ray Vecchio: ... Oh dear.
Fraser: (Ray is driving) You really should be setting an example, Ray, I mean, you stand for the rule of law and. (Ray turns a corner without indicating) There! You just did it again. Ray Vecchio: Did What? Fraser: You know perfectly well what. Ray Vecchio: No, I don't. Fraser: You just made a turn without indicating. Ray Vecchio: I wouldn't do that. Fraser: You just did. Ray Vecchio: You're seeing things. Fraser: I'm not seeing things, Ray. You made a left hand turn at that intersection and you didn't use your. (Ray turns another corner without indicating) There! You just did it again. Ray Vecchio: Did what? Fraser: You know, perhaps I'm reading too much into matters but it would appear you're doing this on purpose. Ray Vecchio: Ah, really annoys you, doesn't it?
Ray Vecchio: I'm guessing you two don't meet a lot of celebrities. Fraser: Well, we were once inspected by the assistant of the deputy commissioner of the RCMP once.
Mark Smithbauer: I can't sleep. Fraser: What is it? Mark Smithbauer: It's 7 p.m.
Fraser Sr: (voice over) They say that every man has a price at which he'll do anything. I like to think it's the other way around; every man has a line, a line he won't cross over, no matter what the cost.
Louis Gardino: If we arrested everybody who hated you, we'd pretty much have to shut down this city.
Fraser: Grace loves the opera but she can't afford to sit close. Ray Vecchio: Yeah, but she's deaf. Fraser: Well, that doesn't mean she can't enjoy good music. Ray Vecchio: Really? Oh, I thought it did.
Ray Vecchio: 16,000 fans screaming in unified hatred against one man and you think you heard what one of them said? Fraser: No, I think I saw what one of them said. Ray Vecchio: Like that's easier.
Fraser: Yes, officially it is off the record but I thought you'd be concerned. Ray Vecchio: I never get unofficially concerned.
Dawn Charest: Has anyone ever told you, you have phenomenal bone structure? Fraser: Yes, a starving Inuit.
Ray Vecchio: The gunman sir, he was wearing a cashmere jacket and he was driving a black Cadillac. These are kind of expensive things for a two-bit hood, would you not say so, sir? Harding Welsh: Detective, I'm surprised you haven't picked up on the little-known fact about thieves - they usually don't pay for things.
Fraser: As a police officer, I'm forbidden to accept gifts. Frank Zuko: Really? Fraser: Yes. Frank Zuko: The officers I know never mentioned that.
Elaine Besbriss: I always wanted a pair of ruby slippers. I used to try on my mother's high heels, standing in front of the mirror, click my heels together and say, there's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's no place like home. Louis Gardino: Me too.
Fraser: If you think I'm embarrassed, you're sorely mistaken. Ray Vecchio: Oh, yeah, that's why you're turning the color of your uniform.
Fraser: (in a lingerie store) We would like to ask you a question that is unrelated to either underwear or breasts.
Fraser: Sometimes at night I can still remember him coming into the classroom, swinging that otter over his head. There was just no reasoning with him.
Harding Welsh: I have to ask you this, don't you have a job of your own? Fraser: Oh, yes sir, but I had the early shift this morning. Harding Welsh: And you have nothing better to do with your life than hang around here and help us solve crimes? Fraser: No, sir.
Ray Vecchio: Hey, Elaine, get me a list of all the salmon fisheries in the greater metropolitan area, will ya? Elaine Besbriss: What? Fraser: Never mind, Elaine, I believe Ray was just mocking me.
Ray Vecchio: Let's go nail the right-handed bastard.
Ray Vecchio: (Francesca enters the church) Oh, God... Sorry, Father. Father Behan: That is your sister, isn't it? Ray Vecchio: Ah, yes it is, Father. Father Behan: Oh, God.
Ray Vecchio: Did I mention it was my day off? Fraser: Several times.
Fraser: I'll just be a minute. Ray Vecchio: All right, I'm counting down. 1... 2... 3... 4... Fraser: Technically, that's counting up. Ray Vecchio: Get the hell outta here! 9... 10...
Ray Vecchio: He's got so many politicians in his pocket he walks with a limp.
Katherine Burns: Excuse me, I found my fiancé. Marriage Clerk: You just told me he wasn't your fiancé. Katherine Burns: I was mistaken. I didn't recognise him. Marriage Clerk: (to Fraser) What's your name? Katherine Burns: (before Fraser can answer) He can't hear you; he's mute. Fraser: I believe you mean deaf. Katherine Burns: Oh, yes, thank you sweetheart. Marriage Clerk: You're marrying a deaf, mute Mountie and you didn't recognise him? Fraser: Perhaps I can explain... Marriage Clerk: If he's deaf mute, why is he talking? Katherine Burns: Now you're criticising the handicapped?
Katherine Burns: (Fraser and Miss Burns are in a garbage truck) My mother wanted me to wear her wedding dress. Of course, always the rebel I had to go out and have my own made. Now look at it. Fraser: Well, you know, dry cleaners can do er... (looks at her dress) absolutely nothing with that.
Ray Vecchio: (while dressed as Fraser, to a passing pedestrian) What are you looking at? You never seen a Canadian before?
Ray Vecchio: (to Diefenbaker) What is the most unglamorous, unromantic place you could possibly take a woman? (a garbage truck drives past and Diefenbaker gives chase) Oh, come on! A garbage truck? Not even Fraser's that... Hold on Benny! (Ray runs after the truck)
Fraser: I thought I was in love once, and then later I thought maybe it was just an inner-ear imbalance.
Ray Vecchio: If we turn it over to these bozos... Agent Deeter: Bozos? Ray Vecchio: Oh, excuse me, Agent Bozos.
Ray Vecchio: For years she's been saying that she wants to visit her sister in Florida, how hard it is to be apart, how much she misses her. Soon as I booked the hotel room she decided she's not speaking to her. I think she's just going down there to glare at her.
Fraser: What's wrong with your hat? Fraser Sr: Oh, well this is the one they buried me in. They had to snip off the back so I could lie flat. I'm sure they meant well but they don't know how embarrassing these things can be in the afterlife.
Fraser Sr: In my 57 years of being alive and my 14 months of being dead, I only learned one thing about women and that's that I haven't learned one damn thing about women.
Ray Vecchio: (to his father's ghost) Don't you have things to do in hell or wherever you are?
Fraser Sr: (Fraser is in hospital after being shot in the back) Wouldn't catch me moping around here just because I was shot. Fraser: I suffered massive nerve and muscle damage. I was lucky to survive. Fraser Sr: I'd have been back on the post next morning.
Ray Vecchio: Benny, not every woman with long dark hair tries to kill her lover. Fraser: Oh.
Fraser: (Fraser is in a wheelchair after having been shot by Ray and Ray is in a wheelchair after having taken a bullet for Fraser) Does it hurt? Ray Vecchio: Of course it hurts. Fraser: Thanks. Ray Vecchio: For what, getting shot? Fraser: Yeah. Ray Vecchio: Yeah, I figured you'd like that. Fraser: Well, I'm not proud about that but I'll admit I did get a certain perverse pleasure out of it. Ray Vecchio: Aha! You see, you were mad at me. Fraser: Well, you shot me in the back. Ray Vecchio: Well, that was an accident. Fraser: Well, I know, so was yours (pause) I mean, it was an accident, wasn't it? Ray Vecchio: Yeah, of course it was. Fraser: Well, there you go then. Enough said. Even Steven.
Ray Vecchio: We're lost. Fraser: No, we're not. We just don't know where we are.
Fraser: I think I hear a nest of furry nightcrawlers.
Ray Vecchio: You're in charge of being blind and I'm in charge of seeing.
Fraser Sr: When I first joined the Mounted Police, all the equipment we got was a paper bag and a pointed stick. We used the bag to boil tea and the stick was for killing game and if you lost either of them, they charged you for it. Fraser: Are you ill?
Ray Vecchio: So this is how they punish Mounties in Canada; they make them dress like Americans?
(Ray has been declared dead) Ray Vecchio: Now let me get this straight, I'm here, my money's here but the computer says that I'm not really here so I can't have it. Cooper: I'm very sorry, sir. I'm gonna have to call head office and if you could just come back tomorrow... Ray Vecchio: Hey, I'm a cop. I may not be alive tomorrow. Cooper: Well, according to this, you're not alive now.
Ray Vecchio: (Fraser and Ray are trapped in a bank vault) Check for ventilation. Fraser: Got it. Ray Vecchio: A vent? Fraser: Yes, and we are in luck, Ray; it is completely sealed off. Ray Vecchio: What? Fraser: Air tight, obviously for security. Rest easy, Ray, the money is perfectly safe. Ray Vecchio: Oh, that's a relief because for a moment there I was concerned all these little Thomas Jeffersons were going to run out of oxygen! Fraser: Ray, there is no need for either sarcasm or panic. We are in an eight by ten room with a ten foot ceiling. That gives us roughly eight hundred cubic feet of air. It is now 3: 15 and the time lock is not due to open until 8 a.m. so there is no danger of us suffocating for at least... You know Ray, in situations like these, the Inuit... Ray Vecchio: Ohhhh, we're gonna die!
Fraser: We need a plan. Ray Vecchio: Well, there is a plan, Fraser and it goes something like this: They drill the door, they blow the door, they shoot us with automatic weapons and we die. Fraser: What about a happier plan?
Ray Vecchio: Well, I'll be. Fraser: Be what, Ray?
Inspector Meg Thatcher: You ran into a burning building to save a mohair sweater?
Fraser Sr: You did forget my birthday. Fraser: You were dead!
Fraser: Don't let anyone go in or out of that door. Constable Turnbull: Including myself? Fraser: Especially not yourself. Constable Turnbull: Not in or out. Fraser: That is correct. Constable Turnbull: But I'm already out, sir. Fraser: Yes. Constable Turnbull: So if I find myself inside, I should just stay there.
Ray Vecchio: Maybe he wanted to kill us too. Fraser: Well ,what possible motive could he have for that? Ray Vecchio: You know, sometimes you are the most annoying man that I know. There's plenty of times I've wanted to kill ya and I'm your best friend.
Ray Vecchio: Here, (offers ATF Agent MacFadden a doughnut) try the one with the sprinkles; you take your job way too seriously.
Fraser Sr: Just tried to give him a hand. Fraser: You don't have a hand.
Inspector Meg Thatcher: I don't dislike animals, Fraser. I've had pets. Fraser: Really? Inspector Meg Thatcher: Samll ones. A dachshund. Fraser: Ah. Inspector Meg Thatcher: He died.
Ray Vecchio: (voice over from sewer) This is a swill pit. You brought me into a swill pit. Fraser: (voice over from sewer) No, it's not a swill pit, Ray. First of all, swill entails a more pungent odour and a pit is generally a circular indentation with only one entrance from the top. This however fits the definition of a tunnel. A long, straight... Ray Vecchio: (thud) (voice over from sewer) Ow! Fraser: (voice over from sewer) Correction, a long, meandering tunnel.
Ray Vecchio: Please tell me this doesn't involve sub-zero temperatures or Inuit legend. Fraser: No, it does not. Ray Vecchio: Of course it does. It always does.
Ray Vecchio: (admiring John Taylor's car) 66 T-Bird, 72 Riviera. John Taylor: A Riv? Mint? Ray Vecchio: Uh, was. I've, uh, gone through a couple of them recently. Fraser: They were blown up.
Ray Vecchio: Look, Benny, if you want some help, you're gonna have to register a dispute. Fraser: You're sure? Ray Vecchio: Yes, well that's what they do here, they handle disputes. Fraser: I won't be making a fuss? Ray Vecchio: Well, of course you will, that's the whole point. Fraser: Ah. (Fraser walks out of the camera shot, pause, he walks back) I don't have to raise my voice, do I?
Mackenzie King: "It's A Wonderful Life" right? Fraser: Yes, actually. 32 times. It was the Reverend's favorite film. Well, that and "The Passion of Joan of Arc". Mackenzie King: No, you see that's why movies are dangerous, Fraser. They take young minds and twist them into believing things like, like courage and hope and one man can make a difference. This may come as a shock to you and the Reverend, but real life is not a Frank Capra movie.
Inspector Meg Thatcher: Thank you, we clean our own personnel here.
Fraser: I haven't made a miscalculation since... Ray Vecchio: Since when? Fraser: Well, since the last time you shot me. I'm just grateful you had the presence of mind to shoot me again.
Fraser: Is this a dream or are you still dead? Fraser Sr: Still dead, son. Thanks for asking.
Francesca: You get the good-looking, eligible bachelor discount.
Francesca: (to Fraser, about Ray) He's my brother, I have to put up with him. What are you thinking?
Inspector Meg Thatcher: After all that we're gonna let him go? Fraser: I don't see what else we can do. Inspector Meg Thatcher: Interfere! You always interfere!
Francesca: Tell me what kind of a man cheats his own sister, Ray? Ray Vecchio: I didn't cheat you. Francesca: What ya think you were gonna do? Start lighting cigars with hundred dollar bills and I wouldn't notice? Ray Vecchio: I don't smoke.
Bob: Let me guess. CIA, right? Fraser: No, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Constable Benton Fraser. Bob: Bob. Where's your horse? Fraser: Well, I, I don't have one. I have a wolf if, if that helps you any. Bob: You ride him? Fraser: No. He's deaf.
Fraser: I'm sure if the situation were reversed, you'd do exactly the same for me. Ray Vecchio: Not in a million years.
Fraser: It takes seven fewer muscles to smile than it does to frown. Save your energy, you're going to need it in your child bearing years.
Fraser: Let me tell you something, Ray, I think that the person who invented pantyhose should be brought up on charges of cruelty, sadism and reckless endangerment. They pinch in the most inappropriate places. Ray Vecchio: Yeah, well most people who wear them don't have those places, Benny.
Fraser: (Fraser is dressed as a woman and insisting Ray open doors for him) Ray. Manners. Ray Vecchio: You know, Benny, there's a limit. Fraser: A limit? To good etiquette? I think not, Ray. Ray Vecchio: Just get in the car before I beat you with your purse.
Ray Vecchio: You know, Benny, you weren't a bad-looking woman. Fraser: Thank you, Ray. Ray Vecchio: Course, you weren't exactly my type either. Fraser: Well, what exactly is your type, Ray? Ray Vecchio: I like a woman who is kind and honest with a good sense of humor. Fraser: What? And I don't have those qualities? Ray Vecchio: No, no, you do, I just like a woman who is, you know, a woman. Fraser: That's, that's picky Ray.
Fraser: Detective Vecchio will blow your brains off. Ray Vecchio: Out. Fraser: Out. I'm sorry, I stand corrected, he will blow your brains out.
Inspector Meg Thatcher: Why are they staring at me? Fraser: I suspect they're terrified, ma'am.
Ray Vecchio: How do I get out of this town? Woman behind counter: Left at the corner. Ray Vecchio: Well, I don't have a car. Woman behind counter: Then you have a problem. Ray Vecchio: You have no idea. Is there a car rental agency? Woman behind counter: Apollo 13 rentals. Ray Vecchio: How about a bus? Woman behind counter: Last one went through an hour ago. Ray Vecchio: Does the space shuttle fly over any time soon? Woman behind counter: Ask Bob. Ray Vecchio: I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a dull spoon. (the woman offers Ray a plastic spoon) No, no, it's just an expression.
Colonel Shank: (to Fraser and Ray) Now you have been spared the full weight of these penalties thanks to the intercession of the city of Chicago and the government of Canada. Both of whom have requested leniency, claiming, er, diminished mental capacity.
Wanda: (to Fraser, who is pretending to be a woman) We're on to you, Miss. Tiffany: Totally. Wanda: We see the way you're always opening doors for women. Tiffany: And the way you're like incredibly tall. Wanda: And polite. Tiffany: Totally. And we hear the way you talk. Wanda: For sure. You know you can't fool us. We should have known it right from the start. Tiffany: You're... A Canadian. Fraser: Oh. Do you think we could keep this between us?
Sgt. Buck Frobisher: (on a train taken over by terrorists) I've found the brake. Fraser Sr: What makes you think it's the brake? Sgt. Buck Frobisher: It's written right on it, "brake". Fraser Sr: Huh, could be a ruse. Sgt. Buck Frobisher: To what end? Fraser Sr: Something criminal. Sgt. Buck Frobisher: Are you insinuating that an entire design crew has deliberately mislabeled the key elements of a train? Fraser Sr: It's possible. Sgt. Buck Frobisher: I'm talking to a lunatic.
Inspector Meg Thatcher: (about their kiss) You realize, Fraser, that what happened between us can never repeat itself. Unless of course the exact same circumstances were to repeat themselves. Fraser: By "exact same circumstances", sir, do you mean we would have to be aboard a train loaded with unconscious Mounties that had been taken over by terrorists and were heading for a nuclear catastrophe? Inspector Meg Thatcher: Exactly.
Ray Vecchio: Now, I walk into that room today and this bouncy reporter comes up to me and I'm thinking, "All right, Ray, here's your chance. Here's a little reward for putting yourself in harm's way one more time." And what's the first question she asks me? "So, what's the Mountie like?'"
Ray Vecchio: What did she say? Fraser: She called me a moron. Ray Vecchio: She's a very perceptive woman.
Ray Vecchio: Ugh, you're the most irritating man in the world. Fraser: Define irritating. Ray Vecchio: Well, no, you look it up, Mr Encyclopedia. Fraser: Well, I think you mean Mr Dictionary.
Ray Vecchio: You know, Benny, I'm really glad you're back, but er, do you mind shutting up?
Fraser: I first came to Chicago on the trail of my father's killers, and for various reasons remained here a liaison to the Canadian consulate.
Fraser: She shot my hat, Ray. Ray Vecchio: (incredulous that this matters) She shot you in the hat? Fraser: (very serious) I can feel air coming in through the hole. Ray Vecchio: (serious) She shot you in the hat. Fraser: How does it look? Ray Vecchio: Doesn't look good. Fraser: We'll have to go home and get my other one. Ray Vecchio: We can do that, Fraser. Fraser: Thanks, Ray.