Dude, Where's My Car?
2000
Jesse: Who's Johnny Potsmoker? Chester: Oh ,that's my alter ego. Jesse: Wait, I thought Johnny Potsmoker was MY alter ego. Chester: No. Yours is Smokey McPot. Jesse: Oh yeah.
Chinese Foooood Lady: And then? Jesse: No "and then"! Chinese Foooood Lady: And then!
(Pierre has a deep French ascent) Pierre: But luckily for you, I am an honorable man. Mark: Excuse me, what was that? Pierre: Honorable! Mark: What? Onadouble? (Pierre and Mark continue alternating, saying "Honorable" and "Onudable") Mark: I think you're trying to say "honorable"! Pierre: What do I have to do to shut you up? Do I have to hose you down again? Mark: No, no the hose! (pause) Maybe later.
(Jeese and Chester come across an ostrich) Jesse: Dude, it's a llama!
(Chester refuses to leave a strip club) Jesse: Dude, this is an *emergency*! Chester: So is this. It's a break-dancing stripper emergency!
Jesse: I refuse to play your Chinese food mind games!
Jesse: Dude, where's my car? Chester: Where's your car dude? Jesse: DUDE, where's my car? Chester: Where's your car dude?
Jesse: Have you seen my car? Christie Boner: Yeah. Jesse: You have? Christie Boner: Well, I saw the backseat. Jesse: No, I'm talking about the whole thing.
Jumpsuit Chick #1: We are not guys. We are hot chicks.
(as Super Hot Giant Alien passes overhead, a Father and Son see up her skirt) Birthday Son: I want to go on that ride, Daddy. Birthday Father: Me, too, Son. Me, too.
(Repeated line) Chester and Jesse: Shibby!
Chester: Dude, you just touched Christie Boner's hoo-hoo. Jesse: Shibby! Chester: Low five.
(Jesse & Chester's answering machine message) Jesse: Jesse... Chester: ... and Chester are shibby at the moment. Jesse: Please your shibby at the beep. Jesse & Chester: Shibby.
(Jesse and Chester have tattoos on their backs that say "dude" and "sweet.") Jesse: Dude! You got a tattoo! Chester: So do you, dude! Dude, what does my tattoo say? Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine? Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say? Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine? Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say? Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine? Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say? Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine? Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say? Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine? Chester: "Dude!" What does mine say? Jesse: "Sweet!" What about mine? (later) Chester: (angry) "Dude!" What does mine say? Jesse: (screaming) "Sweet!"
Jesse: Wait a second, let's recap. Last night, we lost my car, we accepted stolen money from a transsexual stripper, and now some space nerds want us to find something we can't pronounce. I hate to say it, Chester, but maybe we need to cut back on the shibbying. (Chester slaps him) Jesse: Thanks, dude.
(repeated line) Tommy: Stoner-bashin' time!
Zarnoff: (introducing the Zoltan cult) My name is Zarnoff. This is Zabu, Zellnor, Zelbor, Zelmina, and, uh, Jeff. Jeff: Hey.
(about the hot chicks) Chester: Those double-crossing, sexy-sexy sluts! (starts crying)
Chester: Is that a barn? Jesse: Is it red? Chester: No. Jesse: Then it isn't a barn!
Chester: How wasted were we last night? Jesse: Well, I touched Christy Boner's hoo-hoo, were on the hook for two hundred thousand dollars to a transsexual stripper, and my car's gone. I'd say we were pretty wasted.
Jesse: Look, dude. It's those two totally gay Nordic dudes at 10 o'clock!
Totally Gay Nordic Dudes: We will now use the power of the Continuum Transfunctioner to banish you to Hoboken, New Jersey.
(Jesse attacked a speaker box) Chester: Well, you didn't have to go all egg roll on that speaker box, dude. Jesse: I'm not the one who called the Dali Lama a fag!
Jesse: I do not want to go down in history as the guy who destroyed the universe.
Jesse: I don't want to go down in history as the dude who destroyed the universe!
Jesse: Nelson, your dog's a stoner! Chester: Can he also bong a beer? Nelson: Nah, all he does is pretty much lie around and smoke his pipe.
Jesse: You know what we should do? Chester: Eat? Jesse: No. (thinks for a moment) Eat!
Chester: (to Jesse) It's Mrs Crabbleman! Maybe she'll give us a ride. Mrs Crabbleman! Mrs Crabbleman! (runs into the middle of the street) Mrs Crabblman! Mrs Crabbleman: (see's Chester) Chester: Mrs Crabbleman! Mrs Crabbleman: (swerves to the right and hits Chester with her car) Fuckin' stoners.
Jesse: (after being arrested) Chester, I've seen this on Cops! Fight back! Chester: (to a policeman) Can you turn on the siren?
Mark: I've been in this cage for 3 years and 5 months and 17 days but who's countin' HAHAHA
Mark: E-mail me ok "Freakincage.com"
Jumpsuit Chick #1: First you give us the continuum transfunctioner, then we give you oral pleasure. Jesse: I've heard that one before...
Wilma: You'd better stay away from our boyfriends. Wanda: You fake-breasted sluts!
(a plastic doll has just taken a lot of punishment) Chester: Hang in there buddy!
Pierre: Can I get you guys some beers? Mark: I'd like a "Near Beer," please. Pierre: SHUT UP! (smacks Mark's cage with horsewhip) WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO SHUT YOU UP?
Alien Nordic Dude: But the universe? Jesse: (mocking the Nordic dude's accent) "Screw the Universe!" Alien Nordic Dudes: Screw the universe?
Jesse: I'm sensing something very Canadian about this place.
Mr Pizzacoli: A trained dolphin could deliver pizzas better than you two! Jesse: But then the pizzas would get all wet.
Jesse: Look, an elephant! Mr Pizzacoli: (turning around) What? Jesse: Sorry, I guess it was just the mailman.
Chester: Look, a unicorn! (Mr Pizzacoli looks) Mr Pizzacoli: A unicorn? Chester: Sorry, I guess it was just a regular horse.
Zoltan: You gotta activate the... Space Nerds: Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam! Jesse: What? Mr Pizzacoli: They said The Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam, YOU FOOL! Chester: Hurry, activate it, dude! (a small panel on the Transfunctioner reads "Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam") Chester: I think that's it, dude. Jesse: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
Jumpsuit Chick #1: If you are Jesse and Chester, maybe we will give you erotic pleasure. Jesse: That's us! Chester: Right here!
Jesse: Is it possible that we got so wasted last night that we bought a lifetime supply of pudding and then totally forgot about it? Chester: (opens cupboard) I'd say it's entirely possible.
(Jesse and Chester are looking up at the Super Hot Giant Alien) Jesse: That is amazing! Chester: Yeah! Those are the bigest hoo-hoos I've ever seen
Alien Nordic Dude #1: Could you please tell us where we may find the continuum transfuctioner? Chinese Foooood Lady: And then? Alien Nordic Dude #1: And then we may go and get it? Chinese Foooood Lady: And then? (pause) Alien Nordic Dude #2: Can I get an order of shrimp fried rice?
Zoltan: We'll travel through space... with cool aliens who LIKE us!
(first lines) Jesse: What's up? Chester: Animal Planet! Jesse: Man, I just had the craziest dream. Chester: About what? Jesse: I don't remember (chuckles)
Mr Pizzacoli: Damn! Now those are some big-ass panties.
Tania: I'm a gender-challenged male. Jesse: (shouts) Whoa! Dude, you're a dude!!
Chinese Food Intercom: And then? Jesse: And then I'm gonna come back there and put my foot in your ass if you say "and then" again!
Nelson: Deep inside your consciousness you must look. Concentrate on the knowledge inside you must. Zelmina, Space Nerd #3: Does he have to talk like that? Christie Boner: I like the way you talk.
Zoltan: Quick! To my parents' minivan!