Drop Dead Fred
1991
Fred: Well why don't we harpoon Charles straight through the head, drag him back to the apartment, and hit him with a hammer until he agrees to come back? Elizabeth: Harpoon him through the head. That won't work Fred. Fred: Why not? How many times have you tried it?
Elizabeth: Mother, do you remember when I was little, I had a friend, he was make-believe? Polly: No. Elizabeth: Don't you remember? Only I could see him? Polly: No, I don't remember Drop Dead Fred at all.
Fred: It takes more than a fire truck to stop Drop Dead Fred.
Fred: I can't believe we left the party so soon. And there was so much wine to spit around the place. Elizabeth: I got upset. Fred: "I got upset." God, you're so stupid. You never leave a party 'til the very very end. Elizabeth: Oh really? Fred: Yeah really. Elizabeth: Well what about Cinderella? Remember what happened with her? Fred: No I don't remember what happened *with her*. I deliberately forgot all about her. She made me puke. I remember the ugly stepsisters, they were great.
Elizabeth: Oh, I almost forgot. (picks her nose and wipes the snot on Charles's face)
Fred: Look, you've got you now. You don't need me.
Elizabeth: (to Polly) I'm not afraid of you! Fred: Finally, the magic words!
Young Elizabeth: Maybe Mommy's right. I never do anything right. Fred: No! You're great. She's not.
(Polly has just finished reading a Fairy Tale) Young Elizabeth: Did they live happily ever after? Polly: Of Course Elizabeth. Young Elizabeth: How do you know? Polly: Because, she was a good little girl, if she would have been naughty, the Prince would have run away. Young Elizabeth: What a pile of shit.
(Fred looks up a woman's dress) Fred: No panties. No panties.
Fred: Drown the fishes.
Fred: (Looking up Polly's skirt) Cobwebs.
Fred: You see when something's not working right, the best thing to do is tear it apart to make it better.
Young Elizabeth: Daddy, why don't we throw mommy out the window? It won't hurt her. She'll land in the gladiolas. Elizabeth's Father: You shouldn't say things like that about your mother... She might cut your head off.
Fred: Oh no, Mickey Fart-Pants. Whoever let HIM grow up?
Fred: Morning. Who's for snot flicking?
(after just seeing Elizabeth's mother) Fred: Is it? It is. the mega-bitch.
Fred: (to Elizabeth) Married. You got married. You mean you've been doing it like the pigeons.
(Elizabeth and Charles are lying down, making out on the sofa) Fred: Hold on, hold on that's now how the pigeons do it. You're supposed to stamp on her head and peck her
(after just meeting Elizabeth for the first time in years) Fred: Hello, snotface. Yuck what happened to you? You're all older, you're even uglier look I'm sorry I'm going to have to be sick all over you majorly lie down.
Fred: I don't love you because love is for girls and girls are disgusting
Fred: I am a loner, a crazy wide eyed loner on a doomed mission to Venus to battle with the 3 headed mega beast but on the way I caught cornflakes disease.
Fred: Snotface, look... INK - let's write something on the carpet... I know how 'bout "Mother SUCKS".
Fred: (sitting between Elizabeth and Mickey) Oh great. Now I'm stuck between two complete utter girls.
Fred: You just put a piece of broccoli in your mouth and said, "Mm, what a lovely piece of broccoli."