Drake & Josh
2004
Drake Parker: What happened to you? Josh Nichols: Football happened to me. I got pummeled, slugged, and I'm pretty sure someone bit my ankle. Drake Parker: Well, I'm sorry you didn't make the team. Josh Nichols: Oh, no, I made the team. (holds up a jersey) You are looking at Belleview High's brand-new E-QUIPMENT MANA-GER! (Drake stares at Josh, incredulous) Josh Nichols: E-QUIPMENT MANA-GER!
(Drake and Josh are tending to a child star) Drake Parker: I never thought evil had a name, but it's Ashley Blake.
(Josh is trying to learn how to play football by playng a video game) Josh Nichols: Left! No, right! Pass! Not the sack! Not the sack! Video game: Uh! The sack!
(Josh, trying to look cool, leans against a freshly painted wall) Drake Parker: Uh, Josh? (Josh looks at his back, which has white paint all over it) Josh Nichols: How about PAINTING ON THE WEEKENDS?
Drake Parker: I really like music. Josh Nichols: I really like cheese. Drake Parker: If I had to live on an island and only take 1,000 things with me, I'd take this stereo, these headphones, and 997 CD's. And a girl. Josh Nichols: You might think all cheese is the same, but there are different kinds. You got your American, Gouda, Feta... Drake Parker: There's all sorts of kinds of music. Pop, Hip-hop, Jazz... Josh Nichols: And my personal favorite... Drake Parker: And my favorite, Rock 'n' Roll. Josh Nichols: ... Cheddar Drake Parker: Josh doesn't like music as much as I do. Josh Nichols: Drake doesn't care for cheese as much as I do. Drake Parker, Josh Nichols: (in unison) Oh, well. His loss. Drake Parker: Ahh, Music. Josh Nichols: Ahh, Cheese.
Josh Nichols: (dangling from the roof) Oh, great! This is all because I forgot to feed my pet turtle Sheldon in kindergarten! Now he's gone to heaven and my life is toast! Mr Nichols: (offscreen) Josh? Josh Nichols: SHELDON?
Josh Nichols: THE BABY'S ON THE ROOOOOOOFF!
Drake Parker: You didn't get in trouble for lying. You got in trouble for lying badly.
Drake Parker: (after Josh accuses him of ruining the brownies he made for the football team) Oh yeah, I live to sabotage baked goods!
Josh Nichols: I gave good advice! And I'm wearing pants! Drake Parker: Praise be the pants!
Mrs Hafer: Drake, what's your favorite novel from the 20th century? Drake Parker: Uh... Catcher in the Rye. Mrs Hafer: Wrong.
Drake Parker: Let's see, the grills are about 40 bucks, right? So if we make 20%, that's... (tracing in mid-air) Drake Parker: Eighty dollars a grill! Josh Nichols: No, move your decimal. Drake Parker: Oh, right. (traces in the air again) Drake Parker: $8,000 a grill! Josh Nichols: (cutting him off) Eight dollars a grill!
Josh Nichols: (about the two tough, scary-looking biker thugs he hired to scare Drake) Drake, meet Chip and Ronnie. My old camp counselors. (laughs) Drake Parker: (pause) Where did you go to camp?
Josh Nichols: Do you sell guitars? Guitar World Salesman: (sarcastically) Here? At Guitar World?
(repeated line) Drake Parker, Josh Nichols: Megan!
Josh Nichols: (about Megan) Such big evil in such a little girl.
Mr Nichols: (needing a last minute birthday gift for Audrey) Uh, get her some toothpaste. She's always using toothpaste! Josh Nichols: Dad, there's two-hundred dollars here. Mr Nichols: Well, get her some mouthwash, too! I'M JUST A MAN!
Drake Parker: You're the best evil sister ever.
Josh Nichols: You know the closet in the hall. Drake Parker: The hall closet. Josh Nichols: Yah, I stuffed it full of underwear so when she opens it, she'll get burried up to her evil little head in dirty underwear. Drake Parker: Eww, yours? Josh Nichols: Dads... Drake Parker: Ewer.
Josh Nichols: Pinch me! Drake Parker: I'm not pinching any part of you.
Helen: You! Josh Nichols: Me? Helen: Isn't that your name?
Josh Nichols: Why was your bucket under my door? Megan Parker: Why was your door under my bucket?
Josh Nichols: Mom and Dad are gonna kill us! Drake Parker: No they won't... they are gonna kill you.
Josh Nichols: I'm trying to study! Drake Parker: Why?
Drake Parker: I love s'mores! Josh Nichols: Who doesn't? Drake Parker: I don't know, s'more haters? Josh Nichols: Good point.
Drake Parker: What are you smiling about? Josh Nichols: The great Drake, grounded, for two weeks. I love it! Drake Parker: Yeah? Me too. Josh Nichols: Eh? Drake Parker: 2 weeks, layin' in bed, no school, playin' a little guitar, watching a little TV, you bringing me pizza's. Yeah, bein' grounded is baad.
Mrs Parker: Did you happen to drink any coffe when you were there? Drake Parker: No, not much, six cups, whyda ask?
Josh Nichols: I don't know Drake, all this cheating makes me feel... dirty. Drake Parker: Well, take a bath when you get home.
Josh Nichols: (talking about Ashley Blake) So then I got her gummy bears, but she doesn't like the green kind so she made me do push ups! Drake Parker: That's ridiculous... Josh Nichols: I know! Drake Parker: ... who doesn't like green gummy bears? (Josh just glares at Drake)
Drake Parker: (talking to Josh about his crush) Good Luck with Kathy. Remember, she's just a person. I mean, girls are just guys without... just do good.
Drake Parker: (talking about the Gary Colman grills) I'm telling you, we didn't steal the grills. FBI Agent: It was reported that two Caucasian males stole the grills from a factory truck. Drake Parker: See! We're not Caucasian, we're white guys! (Josh leans over and whispers to Drake what Caucasian means)
Josh Nichols: Oh, I lost my sightless, loopy boss!
Josh Nichols: (talking about how Drake needs to break up with his girlfriend) All you need to do is act un-youish. Drake Parker: I'm not Jewish. Josh Nichols: No! Un-Drakeish
Josh Nichols: (Gary Coleman takes all Drake and Josh's new stuff because they spent all his money) Wait, can we at least keep the chair? Gary Coleman: Did you sit in it? Josh Nichols: Yeah. Gary Coleman: Keep it!
Josh Nichols: (whispers to Drake) At least he forgot about the hockey table! Gary Coleman: (talking to the mover) And I want the hockey table...
Josh Nichols: Drake, we're supposed to be studying for our driving test! Drake Parker: (playing a driving video game) I am! Josh Nichols: Drake, I highly doubt that our driven test will include stealing a bus and running into dragons. Drake Parker: Do you know that for sure?
Josh Nichols: (Josh is trying to study while Drake is playing a loud video game) Drake, the volume! Drake Parker: Oh, right. (Drake gets the remote and turns it louder)
Drake Parker: (after he has lost money to Megan at Darts) Hey - you just hustled me! Megan Parker: No, I didn't. I just pretended to be bad, so you'd bet money and then I'd win! Drake Parker: That's hustling! Megan Parker: There's a name for it? (takes the money from Drake) Cool...
Josh Nichols: (to Yooka) I got you a gift. Yooka: What is it? (opens bag) Oh! It's a glockma! Drake Parker: No, that's a goat. Josh Nichols: Glockma means goat. Yooka: Yes, the goat is the national symbol of Youdonia. Very sacred in my country.
Drake Parker: (after seeing spattered tomato on the bedroom wall) Hey, Who exploded?
Josh Nichols: I'm sorry, but we have a serious gas leak in here! Fat Guy: Oh, sorry. I think that was me.
Josh Nichols: Drake? Drake Parker: Yeah? Josh Nichols: You just met her and you're already kissing? Drake Parker: I gave her a soda.
Drake Parker: Man, Helen, this place must have cost you like, a billion dollars. Josh Nichols: Yeah, how do you afford all this? Helen: Is that some of your business? Drake Parker: How do you afford it? Helen: Well, I'll tell you, Drake...
Scottie: (after the band got arrested for having fake tickets to a concert) I'm telling you, the tickets aren't fake! Drake Parker: Are you sure? Scottie: Yeah, I mean I photocopied them myself! Rina: Scottie, you can't photocopy tickets! Scottie: Yes, you can. You just put the tickets on the glass and close the lid thingy. Any moron can do it! Drake Parker: No, Scottie, not just any moron. It takes a special moron, like you!
Grammy: Drake, be a dear and take my stuff upstairs. And while you're at it, unpack my stuff. And make sure you put my thongs in order by color!
Josh Nichols: (with accent) I kissed your wife.
Josh Nichols: I hope you go bald! Drake Parker: I hope they cancel Oprah! Josh Nichols: You take that back.
Josh Nichols: (taking smores out of oven) Hello, smores! Josh Nichols: Ahh! Hello Pain! Josh Nichols: (he sticks his arm in pitcher of milk) Drake Parker: (staring at Josh) Uhh... Josh, they usually put the prize in the cereal, not the milk.
Drake Parker: Helen, can I have a job? Sure, just start tomorrow!
Josh Nichols: Uh, oh. The cops. Oh, sweet, sweet karma!
Drake Parker: Do I get to wear that purdy apron?
Megan Parker: (slapping Josh on butt) I want my Peruvian puff peppers!