Do Not Adjust Your Set

1967

Denise: This is a wonderful traditional Yuletide game. It's called the Indian Ocean Game. Everybody sits round in a circle, and the first person to mention that the Indian Ocean is forty thousand fathoms deep, loses.

Eric: And now, "Turnaround" takes a look at Christmas round the world. And first of all, Africa. Come in, Africa. (Man enters wearing a costume shaped like the continent of Africa.) Eric: Thank you, Africa. And now, over to Australia. Come in, Australia. (Shot of Michael, upside down.) Eric: Hello Sydney! Michael: Hello Norman! Eric: Thank you, Afghanistan. And now, come in, Raquel Welch. (No one enters.) Eric: Oh well, it was worth a try.

Eric: Bear in mind the simple rule, X squared to the power of two minus five over the seven point eight three times nineteen is approximately equal to the cube root of MCC squared divided by X minus a quarter of a third percent. Keep that in mind, and you can't go very far wrong.

Eric: Don't forget, when you stir the Christmas pudding, make a wish. Denise: I wish I didn't have to stir this pudding.

Eric: First of all, a big hello to all our viewers. Hello Mrs Green, hello Mr Green, hello Mum. I think that's everyone.

Eric: Here's a word for all of those who've been lucky enough to get away for Christmas. Escaped Convict: Keep out of sight and don't appear on television.

Eric: If every day were Christmas day/By some fantastic trick/If every day were Christmas day/We'd all be bloomin' SICK.

Eric: The Minister of Transport issued this appeal to motorists: Can anyone give him a lift to Leicester?

(Finding a pair of ladies' underpants) Eric: Oh. You may wonder what these have to do with Christmas. The answer is, they're Carol's.

Terry: You know, every Christmas, I feel like a little child. But we always get turkey.

Chef Ivor Clarke: Ten shillings in sixpences, forty-two pounds in thruppences, and seven pence. It's going to be a rather rich pudding, but who cares.

Michael: Here are some really exciting games you can play this Christmas. And first, from Terry, here is the A and B Game. Terry: Well, all the guests are divided into two teams, A and B. And B are the winners. ... Well, you CAN make it more complicated if you want to.

Michael: Here's a viewer's letter. It comes from Mrs Margaret Forsdyke: "Since watching your program, I have become a new person. Yours sincerely, Mr Arthur Vickers."

Michael: I got three hundred and sixty Christmas cards! ... And I'm not sending ANY of them until someone sends ME one.

Michael: Now here's Denise to show you how to tell your friends' fortunes. Denise: Ask their bank managers.

Various: (as Captain Fantastic, after a fish falls out of the sky and into his arms) I had found the place.

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