Dilbert

1999

Wally: Wow. I never knew that little people could be so sexy Alice: That's disgusting. I can sue you both for making this a hostile work environment Dilbert: Ten minutes ago you beat a man senseless. Alice: He was senseless before I beat him.

Dogbert: I'll bet you twenty bucks that giving doesn't feel good. Dilbert: You're on my cynical friend. Dogbert: To settle the bet, give me forty dollars and see if it feels good. Dilbert: That would NOT feel good. Dogbert: Then give me twenty dollars because you lost the bet. Dilbert: Did I just make a bet where I would lose twenty dollars either way?

Pointy-Haired Boss: And remember, money is no object... unless you intend to spend it.

Dogbert: They say only the good die young. If that works both ways, I'm immortal.

Dilbert: You said you'd wake me up at eight. Dogbert: I also said women are attracted to men shaped like potatoes.

Pointy-Haired Boss: They say no man faces death wishing he'd spent more time at the office... I guess that makes me the first.

Dilmom: Standard Scrabble rules apply: no kicking, biting or slapping. No projectiles of any kind. Dilbert: Name calling? Dilmom: Only on your own turn.

(In a traffic jam) Dilbert: Why are we all forced to go to work at the same time? Who arbitrarily decided that 8 AM was a good time for everyone to go to work?

(clipping his toenails over a desk drawer that's filled with nail clippings) Pointy-Haired Boss: Uh-oh, it's almost full. I need a new desk.

Dilbert: Ratbert, where's Dogbert? Ratbert: He's off somewhere installing a puppet government. Dilbert: He's always off somewhere installing a puppet government.

(the Garbage Man uses reanimation liquid to bring Ben Franklin back to life) Garbage Man: It says it removes carpet stains too, but I have my doubts.

Bob Bastard: Would anyone like to join me in a toast to failure?

Dilbert: What makes you qualified to be a reporter? Dogbert: I'm willing to to violate anyone's privacy for my personal gain and then claim with a straight face that the public has a right to know.

Dilbert: Thanks, Dogbert. You really bailed me out. Dogbert: Oh, it's nothing you wouldn't've done for me if you weren't you and I wasn't me and everything was completely different.

Dilbert: That's it. I think I've done it. Dogbert: That's not the word on the street.

Dilbert: What do you think an egg dream means? Dogbert: Hmm, probably an omen. Dilbert: A good omen? Dogbert: How many good omens involve things that come out of a chicken's butt? Dilbert: There only has to be one.

Wally: Looks like somebody's not working.

Dilbert: This fantasy has been a profound disappointment.

Panelist on talk show: I have a poison-dart gun, you won't know what hit you.

Alice: I've got images in my brain I'll never get out.

Asok: Shouldn't we be working?

Dogbert: That's outrageous. Idiots shouldn't have money.

Dilmom: Woo. Woo. Yes. In your face, mathboy.

Loud Howard: That doesn't look like the next generation of computing to me.

Pointy-Haired Boss: I don't see anything that could stand in our way. Dilbert: Sanity? Reality? The laws of physics?

Seven of Nine alarm clock: (beep) Get out of bed. Resistance is futile. Wake up and assimilate the day.

Pointy-Haired Boss: Everybody down, he's becoming disgruntled.

Wally: Well that has 'alibi' written all over it.

Dilbert: Well I'll be. Garbageman: Actually, you already are.

Pointy-Haired Boss: Wally, I'll need to review the RFP for the BGA project before the IOC meeting.

Wally: Carpe diem, Dilbert. Dilbert: 'Seize the day.' Wally: What? Dilbert: Carpe diem. Wally: I think that's a fish.

Alice: Man, she must've blown some smoke up your butt. Did she use a giant fan or just some kind of hose?

Dilbert: Must one person's triumph be another's humiliation? Alice: Of course.

Dilbert: There's nothing wrong with my verbal skills. It only seems that way because my math skills are so high.

Alice: You made this happen. You made me think of Dilbert and sex at the same time.

Pointy-Haired Boss: Save the technical mumbo-jumbo. I just want to know if it'll work.

Wally: Who died and made you the Dalai Lama?

Alice: I think I speak for all women capable of reproduction when I say... no.

Dilbert: Do you ever get tired of watching bad things happen to people? Dogbert: That's crazy talk.

Dogbert: Remember, the first rule of brainstorming is to openly mock the opinions of others.

Voicemail system: (phone beeps) You have 937 messages. . .all of which are marked "urgent".

Elbonian Slavedriver: Get to work, you lazy corpse!

Bear on talk show: Does anybody care that I'm a bear?

Asok: You can use my key to open the box with its teeth. Dilbert: To open this box I'll need something stronger than a key. Asok: I once killed a cougar with this key. (pause) It was a really small cougar. (pause) It might have been a potato.

Pointy-Haired Boss: Dillbert! Are you listening? Dilbert: Of course I am. I've learned how to multi-task. Loud Howard: But men can't multi-task. Only women can multi-task.

Dilbert: What's wrong with me? Dogbert: I was going to wait until the second trimester to tell you but you're pregnant with the sperm of a cow, an Amishman Dilmom: A hilbilly, and a Martian.

Dilbert: (after witnessing Elbonian workers falling into an acid vat) Shouldn't there be a guard rail around that? Elbonian Slavedriver: (laughing) That's a good one.

(Dilbert is in the shower) Dogbert: You had to ride your bike with training wheels until you were seventeen. Dilbert: I was fourteen! (Shower's temperature changes to 14 degrees) Dogbert: What was that one movie called? "Something Something: A Space Odyssey?" Dilbert: It wasn't called "Something Something: A Space Odyssey," it was called "2001: A Space AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" (cut to exterior of house, as Dilbert's shower rises to 2001 degrees)

Seven of Nine alarm clock: (as Dilbert reaches over to hit the snooze button) Don't touch me! Dilbert: Then how do I turn you off? Seven of Nine alarm clock: I am PLENTY turned off right now! Dilbert: Clock tease.

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