Diary of a Mad Black Woman
2005
Helen: I'm not bitter! I'm mad as hell!
Orlando: Why you being so mean, woman? Helen: Why you being so nice, man?
Charles: Even though I almost destroyed it, I know you still have a heart.
Joe: I've got Viagra. Myrtle: Oh yeah? Well I've got mace.
Judge Ephriam: Bailiff, call the next case. Bailiff: The State of Georgia versus Bobby Brown. Judge Ephriam: What is this? Repeat offender day? Voice of Whitney Houston: Bobby! Bobby, I love you! Judge Ephriam: Sit down, Miss Houston!
Madea: (talking to Helen) You can get it one of two ways. You can get it from his checking account voluntarily, or his insurance policy. Involuntary manslaughter. Which one is it gon' be?
Madea: (Helen throws money in Charles' face) Girl, you're crazy as hell!
Joe: (the family member's have been discussing revenge) Yeah, that's like that man in, ugh... ?Misery?. That woman had those shackles on the man's ankle bones... his feet went like this! (throws his arms out)
Joe: (watching Madea butter her house arrest bracelet) You know, I was watching the Animal Planet channel and they say that when a coyote is trapped, it will eat its own foot off to get out of the trap. You want some hot sauce? In your case it wouldn't be a coyote, it would be an elephant. A big old giraffe! Madea: Say one more thing, Joe. (click of gun) Say one more thing. I don't hear you. You're quiet, can I buy a vowel?
Helen: (after Charles reveals he's been cheating) Charles, you're not leaving! Charles: You're right. You are.
Brenda: I know Tae Kwon Doe! Madea: And I know whoop your ass!
Madea: Love is stronger than any addiction, baby; hell, it *is* one.
Helen: (upon seeing Orlando staring at her) What? Orlando: I'm just sittin' here, tryin' to think of a way to say this to you. (pauses) I'm in love with you. Helen: How do you know that? Orlando: I don't know how to explain it to you. Helen: Try. Orlando: Helen, if I'm away from you for more than an hour, I can't stop thinking about you. I carry you in my spirit. I pray for you more than I pray for myself. I've got it so bad for you I'd... I'd go to the grocery store and by your feminine products, I swear I would. (Helen and Orlando laugh) And see? And that... that... That smile. Helen, when you smile like that, my world... It's all right. (pauses) I am in love with you.
Christina: What have you done? This is Vera Wang! Madea: Who dat is? She do nails? I need to have my nails did.
Myrtle: "Peace be still!" That's what he said. Madea: Well, peace always comes with still... (takes out gun) 'cause I keeps me a piece o' steel!
Madea: Every time I try to read the Bible... and Jesus... the one with all the words in red... I open my Bible to that New Testimony and see all that red and I just give up! Jesus was talkin' way too much!
Brenda: I'm gonna call the police. Madea: I ain't afraid o' no po-po. Call the po-po ho!
Helen: Rip it! Wait... what's this gonna solve? Madea: Nothin'! It's just gonna make you feel better!
Madea: My grand-daughter Helen is the owner of this house. You the ho: you have no power or no deed.
Madea: Mmmhmm... How long you do that fo'? Helen: Eighteen years. Madea: Okay. (pulls out a calculator) Let's see how much he owes ya then. (types a bunch of numbers while she speaks) Eighteen years. Cooking. Cleaning. Havin' sex wit him when he wanted it, was it good? Helen: (shakes head in disgust) No. Madea: *Major* deduction.
Brenda: If I call the cops, they will be here in *ten* minutes. Madea: Good. Then that give me nine to beat the hell outta you!
Madea: Who is (stares at a tag on a blouse and tries to pronounce it) Dol-say and gab-anna, who 'dat is?
Madea: Rip it! Helen: Rip it? Madea: Rip it! Helen: Rip it! Madea: Rip it! Rip it! Helen: Rip it! Rip it! Madea: Rip it! Helen: Rip it! Madea: Rip it real good! Rip it! Helen: Wait a minute. What is this going to solve? Madea: Nothing. It's just gonna make you feel better.
Brenda: That's it, I'm calling the police. Madea: I ain't scared of no popo. Call the popo, ho. Call the popo, ho!
Charles: You know I don't deal with your kind anymore. Jamison: My kind? Brother, before you was defendin' all those rich white boys, it was MY KIND that got you down. Charles: I'm goin' home... Jamison: (interrupts Charles) HOME? Oh, how quickly we forget! I ran so much coke for you back in the day, I PAID for that house!