A Day at the Races
1937
(Taking a pulse) Dr Hackenbush: Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
Dr Hackenbush: If I hold you any closer, I'll be in back of you.
Dr Hackenbush: Oh, well, uh, to begin with I took four years at Vassar. Mrs Upjohn: Vassar? But that's a girls' college. Dr Hackenbush: I found that out the third year. I'd 've been there yet, but I went out for the swimming team.
Whitmore: Just a minute, Mrs Upjohn. That looks like a horse pill to me. Dr Hackenbush: Oh, you've taken them before. Mrs Upjohn: Are you sure, Doctor, you haven't made a mistake? Dr Hackenbush: You have nothing to worry about. The last patient I gave one of those to won the Kentucky Derby. Whitmore: May I examine this, please? Do you actually give those to your patients? Isn't it awfully large for a pill? Dr Hackenbush: Well, it was too small for a basketball, and I didn't know what to do with it. Say, you're awfully large for a pill yourself.
(Stuffy blows a balloon during a medical exam) Dr Hackenbush: If that's his adam's apple, he's got yellow fever. Tony: He's got in-grown balloons.
(Tony offers Dr Hackenbush a hint book) Tony: One dollar and you'll remember me all your life. Dr Hackenbush: That's the most nauseating proposition I ever had.
(Hackenbush is asked to 'OK' a file) Dr Hackenbush: I'm too busy right now. I'll tell you what. I'll put the 'O' on now and come back later for the 'K.'
Flo: Oh doctor. Thank you. Dr Hackenbush: Thank "yu". Do you like gardenias? Flo: I adore them. How did you know? Dr Hackenbush: I didn't, so I got you forget-me-nots. One whiff of this and you'll forget everything. (Hackenbush hands her a wilted sunflower. He seats her and pushes in her chair at the table) Flo: Thank you. Dr Hackenbush: Thank "yu". Flo: (handing him her wrap) Do you mind? Dr Hackenbush: Not at all. I always take the wrap.
Tony: She's in with Whitmore. She's trying to frame you. Flo: Why, I've never been so insulted in my life! (Hackenbush looks at his watch) Dr Hackenbush: Well, it's early yet.
Dr Hackenbush: It's the old, old story. Boy meets girl - Romeo and Juliet - Minneapolis and St. Paul!
Mrs Upjohn: Dr Hackenbush tells me I'm the only case in history. I have high blood pressure on my right side and low blood pressure on my left side. Dr Leopold X. Steinberg: There is no such thing. She looks as healthy as any woman I ever met. Dr Hackenbush: You don't look as though you've ever met a healthy woman.
Gil: Are you a man or a mouse? Dr Hackenbush: You put a piece of cheese down there and you'll find out.
Dr Hackenbush: (to Dr Steinberg) Don't point that beard at me! It might go off!
Dr Hackenbush: Emily, I have a confession to make. I really am a horse doctor. But marry me, and I'll never look at another horse.
Tony: Have you got a woman in here? Dr Hackenbush: If I haven't, I've wasted 30 minutes of valuable time.
Tony: Have you got a woman in here? Dr Hackenbush: If I haven't, I've wasted thirty minutes of valuable time.
Tony: Well, that's-a fine. Now we owe the Sheriff a hundred and twenty dollars and a sock.
Tony: Hey doc, can you see us? Dr Hackenbush: If I can't there's something wrong with my glasses.
Dr Hackenbush: Dr Hackenbush: (examining Stuffy with an auriscope) I haven't seen anything like this in years. The last time I saw a head like that was in a bottle of formaldehyde. Tony: Told you he was sick. Dr Hackenbush: (pointing to Stuffy's neck) That's all pure desecration along there. He's got about a 15% metabolism, with an overactive thyroid and a glandular affectation of about 3%. Tony: That's bad. Dr Hackenbush: With a 1% mentality. (Stuffy grins) He's what we designate as the crummy moronic type. All in all, this is the most gruesome looking piece of blubber I've ever peered at. Tony: Hey doc. Hey doc! Dr Hackenbush: Huh? Tony: You gotta the looking glass turned around, you're looking at yourself.
Dr Hackenbush: Here's a ten-dollar bill and shoot the change, will you? Tony: I got-a no change. I'll have to give you nine more books.
(Stuffy has grabbed some poison to drink) Dr Hackenbush: Hey, don't drink that poison! That's $4.00 an ounce!
Dr Hackenbush: She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.
(Dr Hackenbush is pointing to a portrait of one of Judy's parents) Dr Hackenbush: You know, I proposed to your mother once. Judy: But that's my father! Dr Hackenbush: No wonder he turned me down.
(Stuffy is getting an examination) Dr Hackenbush: Say "ah!" (Stuffy opens his mouth, but says nothing) Dr Hackenbush: Louder! (Stuffy does the same thing) Dr Hackenbush: Louder! (Stuffy does the same thing. Dr Hackenbush starts to leave) Tony: What are you doing? Dr Hackenbush: I'm going to get my ears checked. I'm deaf. Tony: You're not deaf. It's just him.
(Talking about Stuffy) Tony: I think he's a ubangi. Dr Hackenbush: Well, I'll get a hammer and "ubangi" that right off.
(referring to Ms Marlowe) Dr Hackenbush: You've got it all wrong. This is my aunt. She's come to talk over some old family matters. Tony: I wish I had an aunt look like that. Dr Hackenbush: Well, take it up with your uncle.
Mrs Upjohn: (who has been instructed by Dr Hackenbush to wave her arms up and down, as part of a physical examination) How long do you want me to do this, Doctor? Dr Hackenbush: Just until you fly away.
(after taking his watch from under Steinberg's gaze and tossing it in a wash basin) Dr Hackenbush: I'd rather have it rusty than missing.
Dr Hackenbush: I haven't seen so much mudslinging since the last election!
Dr Hackenbush: And I've got a question for you: Steinberg, what do you do with your old razor blades?
Tony: (disgused as an ice cream vendor) You wanna something hot? Dr Hackenbush: Not now, I just ate. Besides I don't like hot ice cream.
(Tony is selling Hackenbush one book after another at the race track) Tony: Well, justa by accident I think I gotta one right here. Dr Hackenbush: A lotta accidents around here for a quiet neighborhood.
Tony: We come to hang the paper. Dr Hackenbush: How about hanging yourselves?
Whitmore: The doctor seems reluctant to discuss his medical experiences. Dr Hackenbush: Well, medically, my experiences have been most unexciting. Except during the flu epidemic. Whitmore: Ah, and what happened? Dr Hackenbush: I got the flu.
Tony: (to Stuffy) Morgan fired you, huh? He wanted you to throw the race? Gil: Wanted Stuffy to be crooked, eh? Tony: Yeah, you know he's honest! (Stuffy's hand starts to creep into ice cream cart - Tony slams the lid of his down onto it) He's honest, but you gotta watch him a little.
Tony: Hey, boss! C'mere! Sun-Up is the worst horse on the track! Dr Hackenbush: I notice he wins all the time. Tony: Aw, just because he comes in first. Dr Hackenbush: Well, I don't want 'em any better than first.
Tony: Getta your tootsie-frootsie ice cream!