Dave the Barbarian
2004
(repeated line) Fang: I AM NOT A MONKEY!
(repeated line) Dave: Beejabbers!
Chuckles the Silly Piggy: I'm the master of all evil. THE MASTER OF ALL EVIL! I can't help it if I have an adorably, curly tail.
Dave: Ready, Lula? Lula the Magic Sword: I refuse to come out like this. Dave: What's wrong? Lula the Magic Sword: Her *ladyship* thought I needed a more "civilized" look. (she comes out covered with...) Dave: Are those roses? Lula the Magic Sword: Yes. Dave: Cause I'm ALLERGIC TO ROSES.
Candy: Don't mess with the prin-cess.
Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse: Storyteller: And so, the battle rages on and on, month after month, year after year... Dave: Uh, it's only been five minutes. Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse: Storyteller: I don't know why I try.
(performing a musical of his own making) Dave: Alas, poor Danish. What is thy filling? Just ask the Danish prince. You're filled with... (singing) Cheese and sugar / cheese and sugar / with the texture / of a booger...
(fighting a dragon) Dave: (to Lula) Come on! Do one of those magic energy blast dealies. Lula the Magic Sword: What? And get a nasty letter from the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Dragons?
Candy: Ooh, the new goats are in.
Candy: This is my secret princess pad. Absolutely NOBODY else knows it's here. (toilet flush, and Oswidge walks out of the bathroom) Oswidge: Sorry, the upstairs one wasn't working.
Chuckles the Silly Piggy: Ooooooh, my little piggy ribcage!
(Dave is screaming and running around the world and comes across some polar bears fishing) Dave: AHHHHHHHHH! Polar Bear 1: What was that? Polar Bear 2: If it ain't fish, I ain't interested, that's my motto.
Chuckles the Silly Piggy: Here's a fork so you can EAT YOUR WORDS!
Chuckles the Silly Piggy: (after being crushed by an ogre) You crushed my little piggy spleen!
Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse: I had that dream again. You know. The one where I do obscene things to penguins with a croquet mallet. Candy: We definitely need to get you out of the stable more.
Dave: Can you keep him busy? I've got a plan. Fang: You promise your plan isn't, "I bet I can get away while Fang keeps him busy"? Dave: Promise.
Dave: Why should I help her? Fang: I think you already know the answer. Dave: Right. Because Candy's my sister, and family is very important. Fang: I was gonna say because if he didn't, I'd rip off his head and play volleyball with it, but I like his version better.
Bogmelon: It also works on armpits!
Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse: ... For it is they, they who will suffer! Candy: Whatever. Can we go now? (pause) Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse: Yeah.
Chuckles the Silly Piggy: Get away! I'm too pink to die!
Dave: But I don't wanna be a barbarian! Fang: You did when you were ten! Dave: Yes, but I thought it meant a librarian that also cuts hair.
Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse: I made you a song... of joy. (puts record on) Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse: (singing) I had a dream about... some shrieking rats / With red hot pokers, and big pointy hats / They didn't listen to my cries... or screams / But took their nastiness to *wild* extremes!
Dave: (trying to hide Faffy from Strom the Slayer in a fish bowl) You're going to have to give up this whole *breathing* thing.
Candy: He was your first owner? (pointing to Argon) Psshaw, you're like, 20,000 years old. Lula the Magic Sword: (preparing to fire energy beam) (shouts) What's your point? Candy: Uhh. you don't look a day older than 16,000.
Candy: Okay, I've figured out a way to get you and Argon back together, but you have to utterly respect my every decision. Lula the Magic Sword: How about, instead I don't? Candy: Works for me.
Oswidge: Wow, it's a whole new kind of music! I'm gonna call it Rock & Roll, because it was like being hit with a rock, and I'm hungry for a roll.
Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse: And so, with a speed Dave usually reserves for fleeing in terror.