Crimes and Misdemeanors
1989
Clifford Stern: A strange man... defecated on my sister. Wendy Stern: (pause) ... why?
Halley Reed: (of Lester) He's an American phenomenon. Clifford Stern: Yeah, like acid rain.
Judah Rosenthal: I remember my father telling me, "The eyes of God are on us always." The eyes of God. What a phrase to a young boy. What were God's eyes like? Unimaginably penetrating, intense eyes, I assumed. And I wonder if it was just a coincidence I made my specialty ophthalmology.
Clifford Stern: While we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for today. Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like.
Clifford Stern: (on Lester's films) I can't watch his stuff. It's sub-mental.
Lester: If you play your cards right, you could have my body. Halley Reed: Wouldn't you rather leave it to science?
Clifford Stern: (after being handed a box of Milk Duds) Great. Now I can get rid of my few remaining teeth.
Halley Reed: (on the philosopher Lewis Levy) He was very eloquent on the subject of love, didn't you think? Clifford Stern: I wish I had met him before I got married. It would've saved me a gall bladder operation.
(On Lester) Halley Reed: He wants to produce something of mine. Clifford Stern: Yeah. Your first child.
Clifford Stern: (on Lester) When he tells you he wants to exchange ideas, what he wants is to exchange fluids.
Lester: I told you I'm putty in your hands. Halley: What am I gonna do with a handful of putty?
Clifford Stern: (to his wife) Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, ok. It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday.
Clifford Stern: Show business is, is dog-eat-dog. It's worse than dog-eat-dog. It's dog-doesn't-return-other-dog's-phone-calls, which reminds me. I should check my answering service.
Clifford Stern: (on Professor Levy's demise) He left a note. He left a simple little note that said "I've gone out the window." This is a major intellectual and he leaves a note that says "I've gone out the window." He's a role-model. You'd think he'd leave a decent note.
Clifford Stern: I don't know from suicide, y'know. Where I grew up in Brooklyn we were too unhappy to commit suicide.
Halley: Don't get discouraged. You have your own personal vision.
Clifford Stern: What is the guy so upset about? You'd think nobody was ever compared to Mussolini before.
Clifford Stern: (on receiving his love letter back) It's probably just as well. I plagiarized most of it from James Joyce. You probably wondered why all the references to Dublin.
(contemplating the murder) Judah Rosenthal: God is a luxury I cannot afford.
Judah Rosenthal: She's not an insect! You don't just step on her!
Judah Rosenthal: It's pure evil, Jack! A man kills for money and he doesn't even know his victims!
Cliff Stern: Last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
Cliff Stern: I think I see a cab. If we run quickly we can kick the crutch from that old lady and get it.
Lester: You see, if it bends, it works. If it breaks, it doesn't work.
Judah Rosenthal: If you want a happy ending, you should go see a Hollywood movie.
Professor Levy: We're all faced throughout our lives with agonizing decisions, moral choices. Some are on a grand scale, most of these choices are on lesser points. But we define ourselves by the choices we have made. We are, in fact, the sum total of our choices. Events unfold so unpredictably, so unfairly, Human happiness does not seem to be included in the design of creation. it is only we, with our capacity to love that give meaning to the indifferent universe. And yet, most human beings seem to have the ability to keep trying and even try to find joy from simple things, like their family, their work, and from the hope that future generations might understand more.
Lester: If it bends, it's funny, if it breaks it's not funny.
Lester: Comedy is tragedy plus time!
Judah Rosenthal: (to Ben) Jack lives in the real world. You live in the kingdom of heaven.