Cracker
1993
DS Jimmy Beck: He's throwin' fits, Fitz! Fitz: I'm in custody, CUSTODY!
Fitz: Albie's law: the penalty for assumin' things is DEATH!
Fitz: Gamblers Anonymous? That's created by wankers, for wankers! Judith: Graham is the leader in the local chapter. Fitz: I rest my case.
Fitz: This was intense sex... so intense the ground didn't tremble, didn't shake - it registered 8.9 on the Richter Scale, evacuation of all of Southern California, shaking, Rip-roaring shuddering, SEX! Bilborough: You're sick!
(After Penhaligon pours a jug of water over him) Fitz: Anglo-Saxon Foreplay. Go up to my bedroom my dear. If I'm not up in half an hour, get along without me.
(To Shahid Ali) Albie: There are a lot of bastards in the world, but you, you're a paki bastard! These insults - they're the only weapons I've got. (Albie draws a Bayonet) Albie: Unless of course you count this. (Kills Ali) Albie: Do ya get my point?
(on two Skinheads' urinary habits) Fitz: You're the artistic kind - it goes everywhere. You're the Luke Skywalker type - straight like a lazer beam. I can't help but take a look - people usually find it disgusting . . . Skinhead: You looking for a broken nose, pal? Fitz: Yeah, You know someone who can give me one, pal?
(At a supermarket checkout) Old Woman: Execuse me... eight items! Fitz: I have eight items! Three bottles of whiskey constitutes ONE ITEM! 2 loaves of bread constitutes ONE ITEM! 6 frozen lasagnas constitutes ONE ITEM! Old Woman: SIX? Fitz: Two dozen eggs constitutes ONE ITEM . . . Old Woman: Security! Fitz: Four steak and kidney bastard pies constitutes ONE ITEM! (Security is called) Fitz: Oh, for God's sake . . .
Teacher: Please don't smoke sir, this is a school. Fitz: That's where I started.
(Dean keeps looking at Beck through his fingers) Beck: Do that one more time and I'll rip you're bloody hands off!
Fitz: So - you don't drink, you don't smoke, and you don't gamble. What do you do then? C'mon Michael, there must be something for you to confess! A little wank on the sofa during Baywatch isn't a mortal sin!
(To Beck) Fitz: You're a bit like a doctor, aren't you? Beck: Sorry? Fitz: You tend to bury your mistakes.
(To a waiter at a restaurant where Judith and Graham are on a date) Fitz: It's really very sad - see, I'm a psychologist, and she's one of my patients. Judith: I'm NOT your patient, Fitz! I'm your wife! Fitz: Oh yeah! Hi there - didn't recognize you without your straight jacket!
Fitz: Think of testicles! Penhaligon: I do nothing but!
Penhaligon: To be left at the airport, Fitz, that's one thing. But to be left by a big, fat, egocentric, middle-aged man, well, that's a different thing altogether. Fitz: I didn't mind the big.
Penhaligon: You're an emotional rapist, Fitz.
(Bilborough's dying words) Bilborough: Get the bastard you hear, okay? Get the bastard, for me and Catriona. Catriona... Oh god Catriona... What will I tell her?
(to Murderess Tina Brien) Bilborough: Anticipation is nine tenths of the pleasure, so I'm going to look after you. Nobody's going to touch you. I'm anticipating the last day of your trial sitting next to Giggs's wife, listening to the judge give you life. I'm anticipating that with a certain amount of relish you murdering bitch.
(Cassidy threatens to kill himself) Fitz: What's your first name? Cassidy: Nigel. Fitz: Jesus, I'd be suicidal.
Priest: It must be hard to maintain that level of cynicism, Dr Fitzgerald. Fitz: Not at all, Father. It must be hard to maintain that level of faith.
Fitz: I drink too much, I smoke too much, I gamble too much. I *am* too much.