Coupling
2000
Jeff: I've got the key to the gates of paradise but I have too many legs!
Jeff: Sex can be very stressful for men. You judge us on technique, sensitivity, stamina... We're just happy if you're naked... half naked... one breast.
(on being given the chance to see one of Susan's breasts) Jeff: No, no! That's the left, we want the good one.
Jeff: Yeah, the pause is like a whole third person in the conversation, only not saying much... like Patrick.
Jeff: My advice is to get them off right after your shoes and before your trousers... that's the sock gap. Miss it and suddenly you're a naked man in socks. No self-respecting woman with let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her.
Steve: What do you mean foreplay?
Patrick: It was just so embarassing. I didn't know what to do. Steve: Happens to us all mate. Jeff: All of us, in our time, are visited by the melty man. Patrick: The what? Jeff: Don't say his name, Patrick. Don't even think his name or he will rise from the shadow dimensions to do his evil work on your terrified pants. Patrick: (chuckle) Terrified pants? Steve: (gravely) There's nothing funny about the melty man, Patrick. Patrick: (face falls) You know about the melty man, too? Steve: (in a "duh!" voice) We all know the melty man. Patrick: Who is he? Steve: The archenemy of trouser confidence. Jeff: Professor Moriarty. In groin form. Steve: Darth Vader Jeff: Without the helmet. Patrick: (terrified and shocked) What does he do?! Jeff: Patrick, you *know* what he does. Patrick: (looks down) Oh right. Jeff: You're in bed with a woman. Everything's going fine. That's when the melty man strikes. Steve: Suddenly you find yourself thinking, "Maybe she's really bored". Jeff: Maybe you're licking her neck too much. Are you over-wetting her neck? Steve: Are you spending an equal amount of time on each breast? I mean, what if one breast gets ahead? Jeff: Should you be switching between them really quickly or should you squish 'em both together and do them at once (demonstrates) Patrick: (frowns) Steve: Or should you skip one breast completely just to save time? Jeff: She's wriggling about. Is that a good sign or is she just trying to draw her neck?
Steve: Maybe you just don't fancy her. Patrick: But she was naked. She could've been anyone.
Steve: Should you kiss her now or does that mean you gotta start from the top again? Jeff: Should you be making noises yet? Is it too soon to grunt? Steve: (snaps fingers) And then, the killer - out of nowhere, for no reason you can think of, you call her *huskily* "baby". Jeff: You never called her baby before. Steve: You've never called anyone baby before. Jeff: So why did you just call her baby? Suddenly you're starting to blush Steve: Now, you're blushing *and* you've got and erection. No-one's got enough blood! Jeff: The engines cut. They can't take it. Steve: Then the melty man hits you with his secret weapon. Jeff: Just one single thought is placed in your mind at this crucial time. Steve: Please God! Don't let me lose my erection! Jeff: (hand goes down) Pufff. Patrick: (with terror and disblief) How do you guys manage to have sex? Steve: ("duh!" voice) We don't. Jeff: I haven't had sex in years. Steve: It's just not possible anymore. Jeff: We are followers of the melty man. Steve: And you're one of us now.
Steve: (about the Fertility Clinic's cubicle) It's this place. It's too wholesome. Look, it's wrong for masturbation. Masturbation is supposed to be a bad thing. It's a stealth activity. You do it on your own, in secret, and you lie about it afterwards. You feel guilt! It's one of the last forms of entirely safe guilt left available to a man. I mean, look at this place! Look what the mad fools have done: it's an office suite for masturbation. There's a *receptionist*. There are no receptionists in masturbation. Do you realize what I'm supposed to do here? Do you understand the insanity of it? I am being asked to masturbate in a *good* *cause*. No. Susan, I implore you. I implore all women everywhere on behalf of all men. Do not take the wrongness of masturbation from us.
Sally: (Trying to explain to Patrick what platonic friendship with a woman is) What do you call people you go out with but don't try to sleep with? Patrick: (beat) Men.
Tamsin: So are you seeing anyone? Oliver Morris: Well, no. I guess it's a bit too soon for all that. For both of us really, isn't it? (pause) Oliver Morris: *Isn't it?* Tamsin: It's been a year... Oliver Morris: Well, no we only spli... Tamsin: ... since we had sex... Oliver Morris: Well actually it's been just under a... Tamsin: ... both of us successfully. Oliver Morris: Okay.
Susan: It's Fork Wilma... or Fork off.
Steve: You think that if you kiss a woman, your mother will emasculate you with a miniature guillotine? Jeff: I know. Mothers, eh?
Susan: Sally, for once in your life, why not appreciate a man for what he is, not what you can make him into? Sally: I'm going to do that. Of course I'm going to do that. Susan: Good. Jane: So, when can we meet him? Sally: When he's finished.
Jeff: I am a prison for sperms. Those poor little tadpoles have been sentenced to life in Jeff Murdock's groin. And let me tell you, that can be a pretty lonely place. Steve: I'm sure you always... lend a hand. Jeff: Well, yeah, there's that. But that's not what the boys are wanting, is it? See, they want to think they're going somewhere when they go. I keep thinking about my brave lads all excited on the launch pad, and then suddenly it's "Uhh, no! Daylight!"
Patrick: There is no connection between my dick and my brain!
Sally: (Sally is afraid about her boyfriend Liam meeting her male friends) What if they talk about sex? Susan: What if? Sally: What if Liam tells them about me? I can't stay friends with men who know what I'm like in bed. I'd have to kill them. Susan: Alright, so you're saying you've killed every man you've been to bed with? Jane: Ohhh! I thought they just stopped phoning.
Sally: My best friend's boyfriend has seen my bottom. There must be a rule about that. Jane: A rule just for bottoms? Sally: You've never understood about bottoms, Jane. Having a bottom is living with the enemy. Not only do they spend their lives slowly inflating, they flirt with men while we're looking the other way.
Patrick: People don't say one thing and mean another. It just doesn't happen. Steve: People make sub-conscious slips. We all do it. Patrick: Well, thank you Steve, but I think you'll find not everybody has a *sub-conscious*. Steve: Very probably true. Okay, anyone want another drink? Patrick: Better not, came in my penis. Been taking it to the garage, been having alot of trouble with it lately. Just won't start. Steve: Your "car"? Patrick: (beat) I said "penis" there, didn't I? Jeff: So, having a bit of *car* trouble, are we? Steve: Anything you want to *share* with us? Jeff: About your *motoring* difficulties? Patrick: Hey, now look you guys, you two may have sub-consciouses, but let me tell you there's nothing going on in MY head. Jeff: I'm only joking. Steve: Just kidding, Patrick. Patrick: Yeah, anyway, it was your fault. You started talking about traitors in the first place... penises! Not traitors, penises.
Sally: I hate having sex at home. I've got a listening flatmate. Jane: Oh no, I hate those. Do you have to be really quiet for her? Sally: No, I have to be really loud. We're very competitive.
Sally: Remember, every morning your face has slipped a little bit more. Since thirty, I've had to put a daily limit on facial expressions. I only ever smile at single men so I can justify the loss of elasticity.
Susan: Sally, does it ever occur to you that age brings wisdom and greater confidence? Sally: Susan, age brings you more to *shave*.
Sally: Is there any form of female behavior you don't interpret as finding you attractive? Patrick: It's never really come up.
Sally: Mary Kelly thinks you're a complete idiot. Patrick: Then why does she keep looking at my ass when we're talking? Sally: She's lip-reading.
Jeff: In the event of Steve's death, the first thing I will do, upset though I will be, is go straight to his house and remove all the pornography before his parents can find it. And he's pledged to do the same for me. That's how close we are! Susan: You guys have seriously made arrangements to destroy your dirty mags? Jeff: Who said destroy? "Remove." Susan: Yeah, well you wouldn't keep them... would you? Jeff: It's a perk. Susan: Oh, Jeff... Jeff: That's the beauty of it, you see? Your best friend's dead, but there's a bright side!
Susan: (Everyone is waiting for Susan to show her breast) You know what? I *am* going to do this. I'm going to do this to show you how low, pathetic, and desperate you've all become! Jeff: Result! Susan: But I want you to remember, I intend this breast satirically. Patrick: Now there's a sentence that can't come up too often.
Sally: You know what "I'll cook" says? It says, "Let's have sex." Susan: No, that would be, "Come and spend the night with me." Sally: "Come and spend the night with me" says, "Let's have sex." "I'll cook" says, "Let's have sex and I'll cater."
Jeff: It must be alot easier being gay. Sex must be a piece of piss if you're gay. Howard: Why's that? Jeff: Well, see, if you're gay, right... if you're gay, masturbation is practice! You can have a good old practice on you own, and when you're ready, when you got the hang of it, you have a go on someone else's.
Sally: Have you seen dead people? Trust me, death is the best argument for moisturizer. Patrick: You can't prevent death with face cream. Sally: That's what everyone thinks, but no one's ever used it in the quanitities I do.
Jane: I really though I'd gone to his house, you know, to heal our spiritual divide, but it tuned out I was just gagging for a shag! Those two are so similar.
Steve: Sex doesn't just have to be an animal act, you know. It's like a meeting of two people, a conversation. Patrick: What, you mean face to face?
Patrick: There's one thing I don't get here. You've seen this woman on the train and you find her attractive, right? Jeff: Yeah. Patrick: And you haven't had sex with her? Jeff: No. Patrick: You see my problem? Steve: Let me explain, Patrick. Here on earth, there is a gap between seeing someone you like and having sex with them that we like to call *conversation*. In Jeff's case, it can last for up to ten years. Patrick: Are you saying I don't converse? I converse. I talk to women. Steve: Well, do the women talk too? Patrick: (pause) Well, they must do.
Jane: I'm being stalked, actually, so I'm pretty secure in my attractiveness. Susan: You're being stalked? Jane: Is that so hard to believe? Sally: My god! Jane: Everyday on my way home from work, a man follows me. It's true. Susan: Well, have you been to the police? Jane: They said I was being silly and paranoid. I heard them laughing after I left. Sally: That's terrible! Susan: Well, have you confronted the man who follows you? Jane: Well, there's no point, is there? It's never the same man twice. Sometimes they switch over when I'm halfway home. It's so well organized!
Susan: Get me A FUCKING EPIDURAL!
Steve: What is this? Susan: It's a cushion. Steve: Right. Yes. Thank you for that. Very informative. (to Jeff) You got any of these? Jeff: No. Steve: Of course you haven't. (to shop assistant) You - are you married? Living with anyone? Junior Shop Assistant: No. Steve: Got any of these? Junior Shop Assistant: No. Steve: Of course not. Okay! (to the women) You bring these things into our homes. They sit on our chairs. They watch our televisions. Now, I just need to know, on behalf of all men everywhere, I just need to ask, please... What are they for? I mean, look at them! Look at the chubby little bastards! Just sitting around everywhere! What are they, pets for chairs? (to shop assistants) Come on, you sell them. What are they for? Junior Shop Assistant: Well... Senior Shop Assistant: You sit on them. Steve: Ah! Ha ha ha! You see, that's where you're wrong! Nobody sits on them. Okay, watch this. Here's the cushion. I'm putting it on the sofa. Now watch me. I'm stting down. And what do I do on my final approach? I - oh! - move the cushion! You see? It's not involved! It's not part of the whole sitting process. It just lies there. It's fat litter! It's a sofa parasite! Jane: It's, you know... padding. Steve: Oh, padding! Now, that's interesting, Jane. See, I like padding. If I was, say, an American Football player, and all those big bastards running at me, I would say "give me some of that padding and be quick about it." If my job involved bouncing down jagged rocks I would say "in view of those jagged rocks down there, I'll have some of that padding, thank you very much." But Susan, Sally, Jane, this is a sofa. It is designed by clever scientists in such a way as to shield the unprotected user from the risk of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, and, of course... (drops behind sofa, then sticks head out) Daleks. Trust me girls, trust me on this one: you do not need padding to tackle upholstery. So please - once and for all, tell me why on Earth you would want me to sit on one of these? Susan: Because, if you pressed it firmly against your bottom, it might stop you talking!
Jane: I'm not pregnant! It's a miracle! I shagged and shagged and shagged and all the little bastards missed!
Steve: (re: Why he still has Jane's key) I've never been able to give it back, she get's too emotional. Last time she bit my face!
Patrick: (after announcing travel plans four minutes in advance) I was putting off telling you Sally: And? Patrick: I was successful.
Susan: Can we please talk about this pregnancy without bringing up John Hurt? Steve: No man can do that!
(Susan has removed the lock from the bathroom door, and doesn't understand why Steve is so upset about it) Susan: Men and toilets, the love that dare not speak its name. What's that about? Steve: (slams hand down) We are men! Throughout history, we have always needed, in times of difficulty, to retreat to our caves. It so happens that in this modern age, our caves are fully plumbed. The toilet is, for us, the last bastion, the final refuge, the last few square feet of man-space left to us! Somewhere to sit, something to read, something to do, and who gives a damn about the smell? Because that, for us, is happiness. Because we are *men.* We are different. We have only one word for soap. We do not own candles. We have never seen anything of any value in a craft shop. We do not own magazines fill of pictures of celebrities with all their clothes *on*. When we have conversations, we actually take it in turns to talk! But we have not yet reached that level of earth-shattering boredom and inhuman despair that we would have a haircut *recreationally*. We don't know how to get excited about... really, *really* boring things, like ornaments, bath oil, the countryside, vases, small churches. I mean, we do not even know what, *what* in the name of God's *ass* is the purpose of pot-pourri! Looks like breakfast, smells like your auntie! Why do we need that? So please, in this strange and frightening world, allow us one last place to call our own. This toilet, this blessed pot, this... fortress of solitude. You girls, you may go to the bathroom in groups of two or more. Yet we do not pass comment. We do not make judgment. That is your choice. But we men will always walk the toilet mile... alone. (audience applauds) Susan: Would you like me to put the lock back on the toilet door, dear? Steve: Would you mind? Susan: You should have asked.
Jeff: When we finally get our hands on the gear, let me tell you, it's not a drill. We're supposed to fly those babies the first time we get in them.
Jeff: I bet Patrick could pull lesbians... he'd confuse them with his haircut.
Jeff: Well, it's kind of hard to tell isn't it 'cos you tend to fast forward if anyone's dressed. Sometimes I forget and do that with proper films. I can get through a lot of movies in an evening.
Jeff: I think breast brains would be over-egging the woman pudding. Besides, you give breasts the power of independent thought and the next thing that happens they don't get on.
Jeff: Do you know what would be the best way to wipe out all of human kind if you were a space alien with a special kind of mind ray... ? Make all women telepathic. Because if they suddenly found out about the kind of stuff that goes on in our heads they would kill us all on the spot. Men are not people - we are disgustoids in human form.
Jeff: She thinks I'm a mute with a balance problem.
Jeff: I've got all that disgustoid stuff in my head now, what if I say gusset accidentally?
Jeff: She's leaving the country... she doesn't speak English... I insulted her friend's breasts... and she thinks I collect women's ears in a bucket.
Jeff: You know what, there's something I've always wanted to say and, erm, now I feel that at long last I can. Breasts. Breasts, breasts, breasts, breasts, breasts!
Jeff: There's a supermodel who shags total prats and I don't know where she lives...
Jeff: I love the word naked, it's brilliant isn't it, 'naked'. When I was a kid I used to write the word naked on a bit of paper hundreds of times and rub my face in it.
Jeff: It's not Steve's fault. You can't blame Steve. It's the cupboards fault. There's too much nudity in the cupboard.
Jeff: We can't help ourselves. We hone in, we're drawn, like perverted moths'.
Patrick: That's your foreplay tip? Socks? Jeff: Many men have fallen through the sock gap Patrick. Under the sexual arena of earthly delight, there lurks a deadly pit of socks.
Howard: (trying to explain to Jane that he's gay) Jane! (shouts) I am gay! And I've always, always been gay! I was the sperm at the back shouting "No! Don't send me into that big scary cave!" I was the only sperm who had to be chased by the egg. Don't you get it? I'm gay.
(Talking to Jane and Susan) Sally: At least you've been in there with Patrick. I've passed on my opportunity to be "Patricked."
Jane: I'm just feeling so ridiculously horny. I swear, if I didn't have my heart set on having sex with a man, you two would be in serious trouble. Sally: I could never have sex with another woman. What if she had a smaller bottom? Susan: Excuse me! I have a crisis here way above bottoms on the crisis scale. Sally: We're women. There is nothing above bottoms on the crisis scale. Bottoms are our natural enemy. Susan: Sally, please... Sally: They follow us around our entire lives, right behind us and constantly growing. How do they do that? I'm sure mine's back there secretly snacking.
(Steve's girlfriend has found a pornographic video in his VCR) Jeff: Well, what was the title of the video? Steve: "Inferno." Jeff: Oh, no! Patrick: Well, what's wrong with "Inferno?" You can't tell anything from a title like that. Steve: That's not the whole title. Patrick: Well, what is it? Sally: "Lesbian Spank Inferno!"
(Angus, staring at Mariella, opens a can of soda, which sprays all over Mariella) Angus Deayton: Sorry about that. Mariella Frostrup: Oh, don't worry about it. It happens to a lot of guys. (beat) Did I really just say that?
Jeff: (in Steve's dream) Excellent! Steve: How do you keep ending up in my dreams? Jeff: It's a gift.
Jeff: When God made the arse, he didn't say, 'Hey, it's just your basic hinge, let's knock off early.' He said, 'Behold ye angels, I have created the arse. Throughout the ages to come, men and women shall grab hold of these, and shout my name!
Steve: Because he's Jeff, and there's no known cure.
Jeff: Maybe you've fallen into a relationship thing. Steve: Thing? Yet you have 8000 words for breasts. Jeff: And counting.
Jeff: Its like a feedback loop. You're somewhere quiet. There's people. Its a solemn occasion - say, a wedding. No - it's a minutes silence for someone who's died. The minute is ticking away... tick tock tick tock... and suddenly this thought pops into your head - The worst thing you can do in a minute silence is laugh. And you almost do, as an automatic reaction. But then, you think how awful it would have been if you HAD laughed, and you almost laugh again, only its a bigger laugh. But, then you think how funny it would have been if you'd laughed that bigger laugh, but this time the laugh is an enormous laugh. Let this one out and you get whiplash! So you're standing there, in this quiet room, shoulders going like you're drilling the road, and what do you think of the situation? Dear Christ! You think its funny!
Jeff: (Jeff is wearing a leather mask) We were just spending a quiet evening in front of the television. In the course of events I swallowed some of her jewelry. Steve: You what? Jeff: There was a swallowage incident. I swallowed an item. Steve: Right? Jeff: Now normally when I swallow some of Julia's jewelry. Steve: No, no, Jeff please. Normally... has never been used in the sentence before Jeff: Well, you know what it's like when you've got your own actual real-life girlfriend. It's like you got a woman with a nudity switch. Sometimes when she's laying there and she's just so, so totally naked, I can't control myself. I just sort of hoover. Steve: OK. Jeff: Obviously now and then in the course of any nudity hovering, you're gonna ingest an item. Now normally, I remain calm, let nature take it's course, and in due time slip the relevant item back into her jewelry box. Steve: I see.
Jane: I have twelve breasts! Sorry, I was rounding up.
Susan: Jane's breasts scare me. They're like Mickey Mouse's ears. No matter which way you turn, they're still facing you.
Steve: Look, it is not physically possible for a man to know what a woman wants. Which is very unfair. Because you always know what we want. Patrick: Yeah, because we always have the common decency to only ever want one thing. And do you ever thank us for making it so simple? Never.
Sally: I don't want Mr Superbly, Incredibly Fantasticness, you stupid, stupid ass. I want you. Patrick: Oh, for God's sake, Sally. Sally: What? WHAT? Patrick: I was talking about me! Sally: I'm sor-You're Mr Superbly, Incredibly Whatever? Patrick: (gesturing to self) Well, yes!
Patrick: Sally, you need someone good enough for you. You don't want some mutton-headed city boy who spends all his time thinking about his cars and his golf clubs. You want somebody who can love you the way you deserve to be loved; the way I want you to be loved. Sally, you need someone who will love you forever, properly. You're my friend, Sally. I want to see you with the best. You need Mr Amazing, Mr Incredibly-Superbly-Fantastic-Ness. In your heart, I'm sure you know I'm right. Sally: I don't want Mr Superbly-Incredibly Fantasticness- you stupid, stupid Ass. I want you. Patrick: For God sakes, Sally. Sally: What... *What*? Patrick: I was talking about me!
Susan: Some men were born lucky. Some men were born very lucky. Sally: What was Patrick born? Susan: A tripod.
(Susan is about to show the others one of her breasts) Susan: Well? Which one do you want? The left one or the right one? Patrick: The right one. (to others) Trust me. Susan: Why? What's wrong with the left one? Patrick: Now, don't be like that. There has to be a second place. Susan: Well, I wasn't aware you were judging them individually! Patrick: You were asleep! I was bored!
Sally: Steve, as your girlfriend's best friend, I am, to you, a bit like Australia. Steve: Australia? Sally: Yes. Very distant, largely uninhabitable, and with areas of great danger. Steve: Oh. I thought it was about having a lot of convicts.
Jane: What the hell do you take me for, Steve? I'm not trying to lure you back into bed with my dead aunt! Steve: That could so easily be misinterpreted...
Steve: Jeff, every morning I wake up glad I'm not you. Jeff: Me too.
Steve: I want to spend the rest of my life with the woman at the end of that table, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to see several thousand more naked bottoms before I die!
Jill: (about the film "Lesbian Spank Inferno") How could you possibly enjoy a film like that? Steve: Oh, because it's got naked women in it! Look, I like naked women! I'm a bloke! I'm supposed to like them! We're born like that. We like naked women as soon as we're pulled out of one. Halfway down the birth canal we're already enjoying the view. Look, it's the four pillars of the male heterosexual psyche. We like: naked women, stockings, lesbians, and Sean Connery best as James Bond. Because that is what being a bloke is. And if you don't like it, darling, join a film collective. I want to spend the rest of my life with the woman at the end of the table here. But that does not stop me wanting to see several thousand more naked bottoms before I die. Because that's what being a bloke is. When Man invented fire, he didn't say "Hey, let's cook!" He said: "Great! Now we can see naked bottoms in the dark!" As soon as Caxton invented the printing press we were using it to make pictures of - hey! - naked bottoms. We've turned the Internet into an enormous international database of... naked bottoms. So, you see, the story of male achievement through the ages, feeble though it may have been, has been the story of our struggle to get a better look at your bottoms. Frankly, girls, I'm not so sure how insulted you really ought to be.
Jeremy Phillips: I wanted to talk to you about this morning's show... Jane: I think it went well, don't you? Jeremy Phillips: Several people are in hospital. Jane: Well, I'm reporting traffic. There's bound to be some casualties.
Sally: Patrick, when I said I wanted to have a baby with you, I just meant... socially. Patrick: Socially? Sally: To tea. Patrick: Babies can't come round to tea, Sally.
Sally: It's a scientific fact that if you say the word "naked" to any man three times he has to cross his legs.
Steve: So, she's gorgeous and you're definitely in... what's wrong this time? Jeff: This is the worst one ever! I can't even talk about it! Steve: Jeff, Jeff. I know about the Giggle Loop, the Sock Gap, the Nudity Buffer and what you said to Audrey Watkins. Believe me there is nothing you can possibly say that will surprise me. So what's the trouble? Jeff: I've got too many legs!
Steve: (to Patrick) Your DNA must cry itself to sleep at night.
Steve: Jeff, a water closet is a toilet. Are you actually trying to cheer me up by saying that there are plenty of fish in the toilet? Patrick: I think what Jeff is trying to say is that there are plenty of fish in the toilet... of love!
Sally: You really don't have enough blood for both ends of your body, do you? Patrick: And that's a guarantee.
Jane: Do they really call me the one with the breast? Susan: Yes. Jane: Then what do they call you? Susan: Susan.
Julia Davis: My brain melts and my breasts stick out.
Jane: I've shagged and shagged and shagged, and all the little bastards missed!
Alice: Men get so disappointed when the flat-chested friend turns up.
Jane: I once went on holiday and pretended to be twins. It was amazing fun. I invented this mad, glamorous sister and went around really annoying everybody. And d'you know, I could get away with anything when I was my crazy twin Jane. Sally: But you're Jane. Jane: Kinda stuck. It's a long story.
Sally: Bottoms are our natural enemy... They follow us around our entire lives, right behind us, and constantly growing. How do they do that? I'm sure mine's back there secretly snacking.
Jane: I really quite like being single. Except for the bit about not having a man.
Jeff: Maybe women are completely different when we're not with them. Maybe they're not cross all the time.
Jane: Friendship's more lasting than love, and more legal than stalking.
Sally: You've always got to send a man a book when you split up, to prove how you're a caring, giving person, and how they're going to die in a pit of their own filth.
Sally: I don't want to look great. I want to look thin.
Jane: He works in pizza delivery, which just answers all your prayers, doesn't it? Man, motorbike, has own food!
Susan: Well, you know what it's like at the start, when they're all fiery-eyed, and eager, and they haven't seen you naked yet. And it's like he's smashing at your door with his mighty battering ram. And he's promising to ravish you forever. So you brace yourself for man overload, and throw open the doors, and what do you find standing there? An oversized toddler who wants his dinner. And before you can say, "There's been a terrible mistake," he's snoring on your sofa, the fridge is full of empty bottles and the whole place smells of feet.
Steve: This is not, I repeat, *not* and American sitcom!
(Steve has just seen Susan making out with Jane) Steve: (on the phone to Jeff) Oh Jeffrey, did you ever pick the wrong week to leave!
(Steve is relating the fact that he accidentally saw Sally naked) Jeff: So, how was it? Steve: It was a bottom... I hadn't seen it before... I wasn't bored.
(Steve has been bodily thrown out of the delivery room by Susan for asking, as she had made him promise, if she is sure she wants an epidural; he is now trying to go back in) Nurse: (to orderly) It's okay, don't call security. He just asked his girlfriend a little question. Steve: Yeah, I also asked her if I could ask it two more times. Nurse: She said, "You can't." Steve: Yeah, trust me, the word wasn't "can't".
Sally: (finds an engagement ring in a box labeled "Sally don't look in this box.") This is an engagement ring. Patrick: Yes it is. Sally: An engagement ring! Do you have a girlfriend? Patrick: Yes, Sally. (pause) You. Sally: Me? Patrick: Yes, you. Sally: Who are you proposing to then? Patrick: Who do you think? Sally: I... I... Patrick: I was waiting - I was waiting, as it happens, for the right romantic moment. Sally: (Looks around at the mess she made) Fuck.
Sally: Unlock the cupboard. Patrick: I can't. Soon as I heard you coming I locked the cupboard and threw the key out the window. Sally: The cupboard is generally kept locked, isn't it? Patrick: At all times. Maximum security. If that door is shut, that cupboard is locked. Sally: And what did you do to the cupboard when you heard me coming in? Patrick: (pause) I... locked it. Sally: (opens cupboard door)
Patrick: I never make more than one sex tape of a woman. I am not a pervert.
(Susan finds Patrick with Steve in the cubicle at the fertility clinic) Susan: Patrick, you didn't think you would get to have sex with one of the nurses, did you? Patrick: I did. Susan: Patrick, you really are a sad, pathetic man. Steve: No, Susan. He *did*.
Susan: Does your dick do all your thinking? Patrick: Dunno. I'll ask it.
Susan: The pain of childbirth is part of being a woman. Steve: Yes, but it's the part we can fix!
Steve: There's going to be pain... Susan: Yes. Steve: Pain for which relief will be offered... Susan: Yes. Steve: But which, apparently, you won't want... Susan: Yes. Steve: This is not an intelligence test that anyone should fail!
Jane: I am Giselle. (imitates whiplash) I am a French bitch.
Sally: (singing) I'm Susan the happy trotting elf! I trot and trot and bounce and bounce and smile a lot and that's what counts! I'm Susan the happy trotting smile a lotting elf! I'm polite so just for clarity, when I'm cross I say "Apparently!"
Jane: (over the phone) Steve, I've gone to a dinner party and I'm accidently naked!
Susan: (after announcing her pregnancy) Time's up, Steve. It's time for someone else to be a child.
Jeff: You know what having a girlfriend is like? Having a girlfriend is like legalized sex. Steve: Jeff, sex is legal. Jeff: You know what I mean, when I have sex with Julia, it's just so... realistic.
Sally: I've never understood men's obsession with lesbianism - a whole area of sex with nothing for them to do. I've just answered my own question haven't I?
Steve: I never bite heads off live fetuses. Susan: Words never before uttered at a pregnancy convention.
Steve: (to Jeff) When you say things like nudity buffer, you actually expect people to know what you mean? Jeff: Alright, when you first see a woman you like you have a buffer of about five minutes before you have fully mapped out what she looks like naked. Patrick: A full five? Jeff: You have to asses her nipple type and that takes time. Patrick: Oh yeah good point.
Steve: (about what Jeff said to Audrey Watkins at his flat warming party) The worst chat-up line in the history of sex "You're so beautiful you should be embalmed".
Jane: You know the real way to tell if a man likes you? Have a drink with him, and if he puts his glass down really close to yours, that means he really likes you and something's definitely going to happen. Sally: You know, I think Patrick does that. I think he does that glass thing. Jane: Of course, as indicators go, an enormous erection's a bit more reliable.
Patrick: If I don't like a woman, if there's no chemistry, if I'm not attracted to her, then I don't lead her on. I just get out of there. Sally: Really? Patrick: Everytime, before she *even* wakes up. Sally: So you do have sex with them, then? Patrick: Well, there's no need to be cruel, is there?
Steve: You know what they say: If music be the food of love, then masturbation is just a snack between meals.
Jane: I've always wanted to date a gyneacologist. I want to *know* I'm special.
Sally: (in the beauty salon, on the phone) That was the single lamest attempt anyone has ever made to get me to go out with him. (puts phone down) Patrick: (comes in) Sally, how do you fancy coming with me to Susan's new boyfriend's ex's aunt's funeral?