Coronation Street
1960
Karen Phillips: Try any more stunts like that, and I will be booking your funeral!
(Sally hands Kevin a leaflet) Kevin Webster: "Websters' Auto Centre"? Sally Seddon: Yeah, re-branding they call it. All the big firms are doing it. It's all about image these days. Now, the thing about flyers is it's all about the artwork and the larger the print run, the cheaper they are. You can claim it back on tax as an employment expense. I've had 10,000 run. Kevin Webster: Sal! We are working flat out to try and get work done and you're wasting money! Sally Seddon: Do you know what you sound like? You sound like a parent whose kids go to Weatherfield High, a parent with no ambition. But us, me and you, we are Oak Hill parents... Kevin Webster: But what about the lads? Sally Seddon: Never mind the lads. We'll take on some new staff, we'll expand, because all that matters is our girls. Our maths genius helped with all this. You've been too busy so I got Rosie to help me. I got three different quotes from three different printers, three different thicknesses of paper, one, two or three colours, and Rosie worked out all the different unit costs for me, so we've all been pulling our weight, which is why I need to talk to you about the apostrophe. Rosie was the one who spotted it, she's so sharp - I should have asked her to do the proof- reading. Anyway, it's only a little mistake and the printer's put it after the 'S' in Websters and now it looks like the auto centre belongs to all of the Websters instead of just you! It's going to cost another 300 quid to get it fixed, but I figure only bright spots like Rosie would notice and she's probably going to be your accountant in a few years' time and with you being so busy I'm going to have to start coming into the office and doing your admin full time, but don't worry Kevin I'm not expecting any wages, 'cos you'll still be in charge of the lads, and you do what you're good at, and I'll do what I'm good at, and Rosie can go to Oak Hill, the apostrophe can stay where it is because in a way it's all fate, isn't it? We will be the Websters' family auto centre!
Bev Unwin: All dolled up and nowhere to go. (sees a bottle of vodka) Bev Unwin: Oh - don't mind if I do.
Sean Tully: (in a vet's waiting room) Oh, what a lovely parrot! Parrot: Sod off!
Rita Littlewood: (about Norris's secret book) The hero of his novel has got himself caught up in a menage-a-trois! Emily Nugent: Oh, really! Rita Littlewood: Emily, you do know what a menage-a-trois is? Emily Nugent: I most certainly do! Rita Littlewood: Oh. Well, the two women involved in this... Emily Nugent: Love triangle? Rita Littlewood: Yes. Are a mild-mannered church-goer called Emilia... Emily Nugent: (subtly shocked) Oh. Rita Littlewood: ... and a racy, Titian temptress called Reeba. Emily Nugent: (suspicious) Oh. Rita Littlewood: (reading from the novel) "Norris jumped out of the moped as Emilia and Reeba alighted the side-car... " Emily Nugent: That's a big side-car! Rita Littlewood: "... and hand in hand, the three of them ran barefoot through Chester Zoo. Atop the souvenir kiosk, Reeba belts out a quick rendition of "Paper Moon", whilst Emilia chose this moment - for some solemn prayer." Emily Nugent: It's not really a page-turner, is it? Rita Littlewood: You wait till you hear what happens in the meercat enclosure! Emily Nugent: I like meercats... I've a tea towel with some on - Norris knows that!
Frankie Baldwin: (Blanche, their landlady, is kicking Frankie and Danny out of their house, without notice) You can't do that. It's illegal! Blanche Hunt: Then sue me! (slams her front door shut) (Frankie looks through the letterbox) Frankie Baldwin: You cannot not kick us out of our house, you looney! Danny Baldwin: Get up, Frankie. She won't hear you - she's as deaf as a post! Blanche Hunt: I heard that!
Eileen Grimshaw: Tracy Barlow! I mean, even her initials are a killer disease!
Karen Phillips: (holding up one of her shoes) Don't defend her, Steve, cause I've got one of these for each of you. Tracy Preston: You touch me with that, I'll sue for criminal injuries, together with child support from him. Karen Phillips: Dead people don't sue! Steve McDonald: She means it, Karen. When it comes to screwing money out of people, she does it very well! Tracy Preston: As opposed to just screwing people!
Steve McDonald: You tell Karen about the baby, I will make you pay, I will make you suffer.
Rita Littlewood: Did you ever run away from home? Norris Cole: No, I most certainly did not! Rita Littlewood: That must have been a great disappointment to your mother!
Danny Baldwin: Call it a day, before the pink elephants start marching in!
Richard Hillman: You should've stayed at the party, Maxine!
Fred Elliott: Ta-ra me ducks!
Richard Hillman: Why can't they leave us alone?
Peter Barlow: I was drinking to forget. Shelley Unwin: Forget what? Peter Barlow: I don't know, I've forgotten.
(Dev has just said he'd like to stay at home and take care of Sunita, who is ill, instead of going abroad to marry Maya) Maya Sharma: I knew it! (throws some jars at Dev) Maya Sharma: You don't want to get married! You'd rather stay here and nurse poor little Sunita! (deliberately knocks another load of tins and jars off the shelf) Maya Sharma: She's got you wrapped around her little finger! (knocks more jars of the shelf and then pauses) Maya Sharma: If you like her so much, (throws a large jar of something on the floor and it smashes extremely loudly) Maya Sharma: MARRY HER INSTEAD!
Richard Hillman: (to Gail before plunging them and the Children into the Canal while in the car) I LOVE YOU!
Shelley Unwin: I jilted him! I can do better! Old Lady: Good for you, love! Shelley Unwin: Yeah, good for me!
Charlie Stubbs: Sorry about this mate. She's been having a few problems upstairs! Shelley Unwin: Yes, I have and I thought it was me but it's not, it's you, Charlie! I was okay till I met you. Everyone kept telling me you're destroying me, that you go with other women. And I kept denying it and denying it and denying it 'cos I was so scared of losing you. But you 'are' destroying me. You "do" go with other women. I've seen it with my own eyes! And you made me feel it was "my" fault. You made me feel scared. You made me feel inferior!' I can't trust you! I can't marry you! Deirdre Hunt: Do you think they wrote their own vows?
Angela Nelson: Where are you two off to? Rosie Webster: The Abyss, it's a shop in the precinct. Craig Nelson: We're going to spend Christmas money. Tommy Nelson: OK. Have fun, and don't fall in!
Rita Littlewood: I've seen some hard-faced bitches in my time but you take the bloody gold medal!
Cilla Brown: Owt you've got to say to Les, you can say to me! Got it? Janice Battersby: Well, what if I was going to say, he's going out wih a fat, ugly, useless trollope. Bin it!
Jamie Baldwin: Never mind what it is. It'll sober him up. Now in exactly ten second he WILL be sick. So what's that? Seven? Eight?
Sean Tully: Think... think. What would Angela Lansbury do in this situation?
Gail Potter: (to Richard Hillman) You're Norman Bates with a briefcase.
(the topic of conversation is death) Ena Sharples: If I had my way, I'd like to go like me mother did. Minnie Caldwell: Ooh, that were a beautiful ending. Ena Sharples: Oh, lovely. She just sat up, broke wind, and died.
Cilla Brown: You call the airport and I call the police, Hayley. Now before your lady's done a bing-bong, there'll be armed police swarming all over him! (Hayley puts the phone down slowly and angrily) There's a good girlie-boy!
Charlie Stubbs: She walked into a door! Bev Unwin: Yeah - a door called Charlie.
Mina Parekh: That's very clever to have a little sewing kit in your bag. Maya Sharma: Yes, well, you never know when you might want to stitch someone up.
(Marvin and Ashley square up ahead of their big fight) Marvin Maddocks: When the bell starts ringing and the trainer says "Go", I'm telling you, girlie, there's something you ought to know. Your knees are going to tremble, your feet will turn to lead. I'm going to smack your nose into the back of your head.
Emily Nugent: I'm quite capable of deciding for myself what I can or can not do! Norris Cole: Oh well, don't blame me when you're in pot up to your waste! Emily Nugent: Oh, stop fussing over me, Norris - you're not my nurse! (turns to Rita) Emily Nugent: Oh, how do you work with this man, all day? Rita Littlewood: Well, I've just developed the ability to tune out when he starts wittering. Emily Nugent: Oh - can I have lessons? Norris Cole: That's the thanks I get is it? For caring? For running around you for the past week? Emily Nugent: Doing what? Lecturing me - no - hectoring me! And the rest of the time you were busy trying to drive away my niece! Norris Cole: I think you'll find I was protecting you! Emily Nugent: (grits her teeth) Well, if I need protecting - I'll buy a guard dog - because I could do with the companionship!
Gail Potter: (Gail on Eileen's doorstep to argue about the "torrid affair" Gail thinks is going on between Eileen and the new foot masseur) His car was parked out here all night. Eileen Grimshaw: Run along home now, Gail. The curtains won't twitch themselves, you know.
Norris Cole: (after seeing his ex wife) It were like seeing a vicar in a tracksuit, unnerving.
Gail Potter: (Jason arrives in a builders outfit while she is shouting homophobic abuse to Todd) Oh! Here they come then, The rest of the "Village People".