Clue
1985
Mrs White: He was deranged, he was... lunatic. He didn't seem to like me very much. He had threatened to kill me in public. Miss Scarlet: Why would he want to kill you in public? Wadsworth: I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her. Miss Scarlet: Oh.
Wadsworth: Frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a damn.
Cop: You all seem to be very anxious about something. Wadsworth: It's the chandelier. It fell down, almost killed us.
Mrs Peacock: Uh, is there a little girl's room in the hall? Yvette: Oui oui, Madame. (points) Mrs Peacock: No, I just have to powder my nose.
Cop: And why are you receiving phone calls from J. Edgar Hoover? Wadsworth: J. Edgar Hoover? Cop: That's right. The head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Colonel Mustard: Why is J. Edgar Hoover on your phone? Wadsworth: I don't know. He's on everyone else's, why shouldn't he be on mine?
Colonel Mustard: Wadsworth, am I right in thinking there is no body else in this house? Wadsworth: Ummm, no. Colonel Mustard: Then there is someone else in this house? Wadsworth: No, sorry. I said no meaning yes. Colonel Mustard: No meaning yes? Look I want a straight answer, is there someone else, or isn't there? Yes or no? Wadsworth: Ummm, no. Colonel Mustard: No there is, or no there isn't? Wadsworth: Yes.
Colonel Mustard: Wadsworth, am I right in thinking there is no one else in this house? Wadsworth: Uh, no. Colonel Mustard: So there is someone else in this house! Wadsworth: Sorry, I said no meaning yes. Colonel Mustard: No meaning yes? Look, I just want a straight answer. Is there someone else in this house or isn't there? Yes or no? Wadsworth: Uh, no. Colonel Mustard: No there is, or no there isn't? Colonel Mustard: Yes. Mrs White: (throws glass into fireplace) Please! Colonel Mustard: Well, there is still some confusion as to whether there is someone else in this house! Wadsworth: I told you there isn't. Colonel Mustard: There isn't any confusion or there isn't anyone else in the house? Wadsworth: Either. Um, or both. Colonel Mustard: Just give me a straight answer. Wadsworth: Certainly. (pause) What was the question?
Colonel Mustard: How many husbands have you had? Mrs White: Mine, or other women's? Colonel Mustard: Yours. Mrs White: Five. Colonel Mustard: FIVE? Mrs White: Yes, just the five. Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable. Colonel Mustard: You lure men to their deaths like a spider with flies. Mrs White: Flies are where men are most vulnerable. Colonel Mustard: That's right!
Mrs Peacock: So who's our host? Wadsworth: "Ours is not to reason why, ours is but to do and die." Professor Plum: Die? Wadsworth: Merely quoting, sir, from Alfred Lord Tennyson. Colonel Mustard: I prefer Kipling myself. "The female of the species is more deadly than the male." (turns to Miss Scarlet) Colonel Mustard: Do you like Kipling, Miss Scarlet? Miss Scarlet: (takes plate from next to Colonel Mustard) Sure, I'll eat anything.
Professor Plum: (next to Miss Scarlet, both with their backs to the door) It's just you and me, baby. (graps Miss Scarlet's bottom) Miss Scarlet: God. (tries unsuccesfully to brush Professor Plum's hands off) Wadsworth: (opens door suddenly and sees Professor Plum groping Miss Scarlet) Oh, Professor Plum, Miss Scarlet, I didn't know you were acquainted. Miss Scarlet: (scowls at Professor Plum and half-smirks, half-leers at Wadsworth) We weren't.
Yvette: Shark's fin soup, Madam. (places bowl in front of Mrs Peacock) Mrs Peacock: (spoons out some soup and tastes it, her expression of distaste slowly dropping from her face) Mmm, mmm. (Professor Plum slurps his soup very loudly. Mrs White shrugs and tries to outdo him by slurping even louder) Mrs Peacock: Wait, what about the last guest? Yvette: Don't worry, I will keep something warm for him. Miss Scarlet: What did you have in mind, dear?
Professor Plum: Maybe the brandy was poisoned! Mrs Peacock: (immediately drops her glass full of brandy) Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Mr Green: (tries to wrestle Peacock onto the couch and stop the screaming, eventually gives up, and slaps her across the face as the rest of the group stares) Well, I had to stop her screaming!
Colonel Mustard: Well, there is still some confusion as to whether or not there is anybody else in this house. Wadsworth: I told you there isn't. Colonel Mustard: There isn't any confusion, or there isn't anybody else? Wadsworth: Either, or both. Colonel Mustard: Just give me a clear answer. Wadsworth: Certainly. (clears his throat) What was the question? Colonel Mustard: Is there anybody else in the house. All: NO.
Colonel Mustard: This is war Peacock. Casualties are inevitable. You can not make an omelette without breaking some eggs, every cook will tell you that. Mrs Peacock: But look what happened to the cook.
Miss Scarlet: Why has the car stopped? Professor Plum: It's frightened.
Colonel Mustard: And are you the host? Wadsworth: Me, sir? No, I'm just the humble butler. Colonel Mustard: And what exactly is it you do here? Wadsworth: I buttle, sir.
Mr Green: I didn't do it.
Wadsworth: You recognized Yvette, didn't you? Don't deny it! Mrs White: What do you mean, "Don't deny it"? I'm not denying anything! Wadsworth: Another denial! Mrs White: Thhbbtt! (sticks her tongue out at Wadsworth)
Mr Green: Well, where is he? (the freezer door opens and Wadsworth falls out. Mr Green drops it disgustedly)
Mrs White: (after Mrs Peacock swears that the reason she's being blackmailed is a vicious lie) Well, I believe you... I, too, am being blackmailed for something I didn't do. Professor Plum: Me too. Colonel Mustard: And me. Miss Scarlet: Not me. Wadsworth: (surprised) You're NOT being blackmailed... ? Miss Scarlet: Oh, I'm being blackmailed all right... but I did what I'm being blackmailed for.
Mr Green: But this is ridiculous. If he were such a patriotic American, why didn't he just report us to the authorities? Wadsworth: He decided to put his information to good use and make a little money off of it. What could be more American than that?
Mrs White: It's a matter of life after death, now that he's dead I have a life.
Colonel Mustard: Do you like Kipling, Miss Scarlett? Miss Scarlet: Sure. I'll eat anything.
Wadsworth: See? Just like the Mounties, we always get our man. Mr Green: Mrs Peacock was a man?
Mr Green: They all did it. But if you wanna know who killed Mr Boddy, I did. In the hall. With the revolver. All right, Chief, take'em away. I'm gonna go home and sleep with my wife.
Wadsworth: I can explain everything... Cop: You don't have to. Wadsworth: I don't? Cop: No, there's nothing illegal about any of this. Wadsworth: Are you sure? Cop: Of course, this is America. Wadsworth: I see... Cop: It's a free country, don't you know that? Wadsworth: I didn't know it was THAT free.
Wadsworth: But he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared. Mrs White: But that was his job. He was an illusionist. Wadsworth: But he never reappeared. Mrs White: He wasn't a very good illusionist.
Mr Green: Who would wanna kill the cook? Miss Scarlet: Dinner wasn't that bad. Colonel Mustard: How can you make jokes at a time like this? Miss Scarlet: It's my defense mechanism. Colonel Mustard: Some defense, if I was the killer, I would kill you next. (Everyone looks at him) Colonel Mustard: I said *if*. *If*.
Wadsworth: (shouting) I'M NOT SHOUTING. ALL RIGHT, I AM. I'M SHOUTING, I'M SHOUTING, I'M SHOUT... (Candlestick falls from above and hits him on the head)
Wadsworth: Professor Plum, you were once a professor of psychiatry specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur. Professor Plum: Yes, but now I work for the United Nations. Wadsworth: So your work has not changed.
Wadsworth: A double negative! Colonel Mustard: Double negative? You mean you have photographs? Wadsworth: That sounds like a confession to me. In fact the double negative has led to proof positive. I'm afraid you gave yourself away. Colonel Mustard: Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests? Wadsworth: You don't need any help from me, sir. Colonel Mustard: That's right!
Professor Plum: What are you afraid of, a fate worse than death? Mrs Peacock: No, just death, isn't that enough?
Colonel Mustard: How many husbands have you had? Mrs White: Mine or other women's? Colonel Mustard: Yours. Mrs White: Five. Colonel Mustard: Five? Mrs White: Yes, just the five. Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft strong and disposable. Colonel Mustard: You lure men to their deaths like a spider with flies. Mrs White: Flies are where men are most vulnerable. Colonel Mustard: Right!
Mrs White: Are you a cop? Mr Green: No, I'm a plant. Miss Scarlet: A plant? I thought men like you were usually called a fruit. Mr Green: Very funny.
Professor Plum: Is there going to be a cover up? Wadsworth: Isn't that in the public interest? What could be gained by exposure? Professor Plum: But is the FBI in the habit of cleaning up after multiple murders? Wadsworth: Yes. Why do you think it's run by a man called Hoover?
Miss Scarlet: Communism was just a red herring.
Professor Plum: What is your top-secret job, Colonel? Wadsworth: I can tell you. He's working on the secret of the next fusion bomb. Colonel Mustard: How did you know that? Wadsworth: Can you keep a secret? Colonel Mustard: Yes... Wadsworth: So can I.
Mr Green: So it was you. I was going to expose you. Wadsworth: I know. So I choose to expose myself. Colonel Mustard: Please, there are ladies present.
Mr Boddy: In your hands, you each have a lethal weapon. If you denounce me to the police, you will also be exposed and humiliated. I'll see to that in court. But, if one of you kills Wadsworth now, no one but the seven of us will ever know. He has the key to the front door, which he said would only be opened over his dead body. I suggest we take him up on that offer. The only way to avoid finding yourselves on the front pages is for one of you to kill Wadsworth. NOW.
Wadsworth: Over my dead body.
(Mr Boddy has disappeared after being killed) Mr Green: He couldn't have been dead. Professor Plum: He was. At least I thought he was, but what difference does it make now? Miss Scarlet: Makes quite a difference to him.
Mrs White: He was always a stupidly-optimistic man. I mean, I'm afraid it came as a great shock when he died, but he was found dead at home. His head had been cut off and, so had his, umm... you *know*.
Mrs Peacock: Everything all right? Colonel Mustard: Yup, two corpses, everything's fine!
Mrs Peacock: What are you all staring at? Mr Green: Nothing. Mrs Peacock: Well who's there? Colonel Mustard: Nobody. Mrs Peacock: What do you mean? Wadsworth: Nobody. No body, that's what we mean. Mr Boddy's body, it's gone.
Wadsworth: The game's up, Scarlet. There are no more bullets left in that gun. Miss Scarlet: Oh, come on, you don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick? Wadsworth: It's not a trick. There was one shot at Mr Boddy in the Study; two for the chandelier; two at the Lounge door and one for the singing telegram. Miss Scarlet: That's not six. Wadsworth: One plus two plus two plus one. Miss Scarlet: Uh-uh, there was only one shot that got the chandelier. That's one plus two plus *one* plus one. Wadsworth: Even if you were right, that would be one plus one plus two plus one, not one plus *two* plus one plus one. Miss Scarlet: Okay, fine. One plus two plus one... Shut up! The point is, there is one bullet left in this gun and guess who's gonna get it!
Wadsworth: At the start of the evening, I was in the hall. I know because I was there.
(doorbell rigs during 'events of the evening') Mrs Peacock: "Oh, who ever it is, they gotta go away or they'll be killed."
Mrs White: Yes, I did it. I killed Yvette. I hated her so... much... it... it... the... it... the... fee... flames... flames... on the side of my face... heaving... breathless... heaving breaths... (mumbles on)
Colonel Mustard: Mr Boddy threatened to send those pictures to my mother, the shock would've killed her. Mrs White: That would've been quite an achievement, since you told us that she's dead already.
The singing Telegram girl: I am your singing telegram.
Mrs Peacock: (shouting) Oh who cares? That guy doesn't matter now. Let him stay locked up for another half an hour... the police will be here by then... and there are TWO DEAD BODIES IN THE STUDY.
Mrs White: Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage.
Professor Plum: And what was your role in all this? Wadsworth: I was a victim, too. At least my wife was. She had friends who were (on the verge of tears) Socialists. (At this point, he is in tears) Well, we all make mistakes. (Mrs White approaches him and hands him a handkerchief) Anyway, Mr Boddy threatened to give my wife's name to the House Un-American Activities Committee unless she named them. She refused, and so he blackmailed her. We had no money, and the price of his silence was that we worked for him for nothing. We were slaves.
Wadsworth: I too was a victim of the blackmail. My wife had friends that were... Wadsworth: Socialists! All: (all gasp) (Mrs Peacock is appalled)
(Making fun of Mr Green) Wadsworth: Well, I had to stop her screaming.
Mrs Peacock: (fanning herself) Oh, my God. Wadsworth: She's going to faint. Professor Plum: Somebody catch her. (Wadsworth goes behind Mrs Peacock and encircles her with his arms) Wadsworth: I'll catch you. Fall into my arms. (Mrs Peacock falls straight through Wadsworth's arms and onto the floor) Sorry.
(Wadsworth has just greeted Mr Green at the door) Wadsworth: (to the dogs) SIT. (Mr Green quickly and nervously sits down on a bench) Wadsworth: No, not you, sir.
Mr Green: You're Mr Boddy. (Wadsworth laughs evilly) Professor Plum: Wait a minute. So who did I kill? Wadsworth: My butler. Professor Plum: Oh, shucks. Wadsworth: He was expendable like all of you. I really am grateful to you all for disposing of my network of spies and informers. Saved me a lot of trouble. Now there is no evidence against me.
(Mr Green shoots Wadsworth) Wadsworth: Good shot, Green. (Wadsworth slumps to the floor, checks his chest, revealing a bloody palm) Wadsworth: Oh, VERY good... (Wadsworth dies)
The Chief: Good evening. Have you ever given any thought to the kingdom of heaven? Mrs Peacock: What? The Chief: Repent. The kingdom of heaven IS at hand. Miss Scarlet: You ain't just whistlin' Dixie. The Chief: Armageddon is almost upon us. Professor Plum: I got news for you - it's already here. Mrs Peacock: Go away. The Chief: But your souls are in danger. Mrs Peacock: Our lives our in danger, you beatnik.
Wadsworth: The key is gone! Professor Plum: Never mind about the key, unlock the door! Mr Green: I CAN'T UNLOCK THE DOOR WITHOUT THE KEY! Let us in! Let us in! Colonel Mustard, Miss Scarlet: Let us out. Let us out.
Colonel Mustard: There's still one thing I don't understand. Mrs White: One thing?
Wadsworth: (referring to Mr Boddy) Well, he's certainly dead now. Why would anyone want to kill him twice? Miss Scarlet: It seems so unnecessary. Colonel Mustard: It's what we call "overkill." Professor Plum: It's what we call "psychotic."
Wadsworth: Yvette, will you attend to the Colonel and give him anything he requires... Within reason, that is.
Wadsworth: Mr Boddy's body, it's gone. Mrs White: Maybe he wasn't dead. Professor Plum: He was. Mrs White: We should've made sure. Mrs Peacock: How? By cutting his head off, I suppose. Mrs White: That was uncalled for.
Wadsworth: ... and to make a long story short... All: Too late!
Mrs Peacock: What does you husband do? Mrs White: Nothing. Mrs Peacock: Nothing? Mrs White: Well, he just lies around on his back all day. Miss Scarlet: Sounds like hard work to me.
Colonel Mustard: What room is this? Miss Scarlet: Search me. Colonel Mustard: All right. (He starts to frisk her) Miss Scarlet: Get your mitts off me.
Wadsworth: Three murders? This is getting serious.
Mr Green: (after Mrs White knees Mr Boddy in the crotch) Was that necessary, Mrs.White?
The Motorist: Where is it? Wadsworth: What? The body? The Motorist: The phone. What body? Wadsworth: No body. I mean, nobody. There is nobody in the study.
(Wadsworth reveals a secret passage from the study to the kitchen) Colonel Mustard: How did you know? Wadsworth: This house belongs to a friend of mine. I've known all along. Mr Green: So you could be the murderer. Wadsworth: Don't be ridiculous. If I was the murderer, why would I reveal to you how I did it?
(a scream is heard in the locked billiard room) Colonel Mustard: It must be the murderer. Mr Green: Why would HE scream?
Mrs Peacock: (to the furnace) Argh. Don't you touch me!
(Professor Plum: Why don't we start while it's still hot. Mrs Peacock: Oh now, shouldn't we wait for the other guest? Yvette: I vil keep sumsing varm for him. Miss Scarlet: What did you have in mind, dear?
Plum and White are looking at the photographic negatives) Mrs White: Oh my! Nobody can get into THAT position. Professor Plum: Sure they can. Let me show you. (lays her down on the couch and gets on top of her) Mrs White: Get off me!
Cop: Uh, can I use your phone? Wadsworth: Of course you can sir! There's a phone in the loun... no. But I think you could use the one in the stud... no. Uh, would you be kind enough to wait in the... the library?
Miss Scarlet: Well to be perfectly frank, I run a specialised hotel and a telephone service, which provide gentlemen with the company of a young lady for a short while. Professor Plum: Oh yeah? (takes a pen and notepad from his pocket) What's the phone number?
Wadsworth: And then the gong was struck by the cook!
Cop: (the guests are trying to fool the cop) (he sniffs the motorist, who is dead) This man's drunk. Dead drunk. Miss Scarlet: Dead right! Cop: (to the motorist) You're not going to drive home, are you? Professor Plum: He won't be driving home, officer, I promise you that! Cop: Somebody will give him a lift, huh? Miss Scarlet: Oh, we'll- we'll- we'll get him a car! Professor Plum: A long black car! Miss Scarlet: (punches him in the stomach) A limousine!