City Slickers
1991
(first lines) (running through the streets in front of angry bulls, deliberately) Mitch Robbins: Whose idea was this anyway?
Mitch: Excuse me, el doctor! Hello... ? Don't sew anything up that's supposed to remain open, OK?
Mitch: Women need a reason for having sex, men just need a place.
(Phil, the supermarket manager, has gotten a co-worker pregnant) Ed Furillo: What did you use for protection, paper or plastic?
Ed Furillo: The three of us, New Mexico. We're going to drive cattle. Mitch Robbins: What, like in a truck?
Mitch Robbins: Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so quickly. When you're a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, "What happened to my twenties?" Your forties, you grow a little pot belly you grow another chin. The music starts to get too loud and one of your old girlfriends from high school becomes a grandmother. Your fifties you have a minor surgery. You'll call it a procedure, but it's a surgery. Your sixties you have a major surgery, the music is still loud but it doesn't matter because you can't hear it anyway. Seventies, you and the wife retire to Fort Lauderdale, you start eating dinner at two, lunch around ten, breakfast the night before. And you spend most of your time wandering around malls looking for the ultimate in soft yogurt and muttering "how come the kids don't call?" By your eighties, you've had a major stroke, and you end up babbling to some Jamaican nurse who your wife can't stand but who you call mama. Any questions?
Mitch: Rollin', rollin', rollin', keep them dogies rollin', man my ass is swollen, Rawhide! Round em up, ride em in, get em up, get em dressed, comb their hair, brush their teeth, Rawhide! Tie me down, tell me lies, pull my hair, slap my thighs - with a big wet strap of, Rawhide!
Phil Berquist: If hate were people, I'd be China!
Phil Berquist: Where are you from? Ben Jessup: Baltimore. We have a dental practice there. Mitch Robbins: Really, you're both dentists? Steve Jessup: Yes! We're black AND we're dentists. Let's not make an issue out of it. Ben Jessup: Eh, they're not making an issue of it. You're making an issue of it.
Bonnie Rayburn: Listen, it took a lot of courage to do what you did. Thank you. Mitch Robbins: I'm married.
Ed Furillo: This guy, Curly, is a true cowboy. One of the last real men. He's untamed. Next to him, we're trained ponies. It'll do us good to be in his world for a while. (Curly is approaching them from behind Mitch) Mitch Robbins: Do us good? Didn't you guys see? The man was hanging the hired help! And, did you notice his eyes? He has crazy eyes. He's a lunatic! We are going into the wilderness being led by a lunatic! (Mitch notices everyone's terrified faces as Curly is standing directly behind him.) Mitch Robbins: He's behind me, isn't he?
Curly: I crap bigger than you!
(Ed Furillo accuses Mitch Robbins of flirting with Bonnie Rayburn) Mitch Robbins: That was "have a pleasant and restful evening." Ed Furillo: No, that was "I like your ass. Can I wear it as a hat?"
Mitch Robbins: Hi Curly. Killed anyone today? Curly: The day ain't over yet...
(While Mitch Robbins is delivering the calf Norman) Mitch Robbins: You know, this was not in the brochure...
Phil Berquist: You know you were right, Mitch. My life is a "do-over". It's time to get started. Mitch Robbins: I hope I can help. Ed Furillo: Now I'm gonna go home, and I'm gonna get Kim pregnant. Mitch Robbins: I hope I can help.
Cookie: The food's brown, hot, and plenty of it.
Mitch Robbins: Have you ever had that feeling that this is the best I'm ever gonna do, this is the best I'm ever gonna feel... and it ain't that great? Station Manager: Happy Birthday.
Arlene Berquist: I'm calling my father! Phil Berquist: He's not home! It's his night to be with the other escaped Nazis!
Sal: We got this job on 65th and Third. This big freakin' ballbreaker of a job, right, and we got the area roped off so that some schmuck don't walk through there and take a wrecking ball between the eyes. All of a sudden this woman, you know with the big dark glasses and the Bloomingdale bags, she starts walking right through the ropes and I yell down at her, "Hey! You can't go there ya stupid bitch." And suddenly, this big steam fittin' bursts and this God damn crane crashes right down on her legs. And she's screaming, "My Legs! My Legs!" And I say, "No shit, your legs, you got a two-thousand-pound goddamn crane on you." Now you know that in an emergency situation you can get superhuman strength? I reach down and I lift this crane and was able to slide her out from under, and the doctors were able to save her legs. So the moral of this story is: don't walk where you're not supposed to walk because there may not be someone with superhuman strength to save your little ass. And don't do drugs.
Clay Stone: Great gobs of goose shit!
Clay Stone: I feel as happy as a puppy dog with two peters.
Clay Stone: When you three first got here, you were as worthless as hen shit on a pump handle.
Mitch Robbins: Those cows trusted us.
(Mitch denies he's been ogling Bonnie) Ed Furillo: Oh, come on. Are you telling me you wouldn't like to fuck her brains out? Mitch: You know, that's such a lovely image -- "fuck her brains out." It ranks right up there with that other classic: "bang the shit out of her."
Mitch Robbins: (Playing harmonica.) Curly: Put that away. Mitch Robbins: (Stops, then resumes playing harmonica.) Curly: I said, put that away! Mitch Robbins: Hey you know, the first time I tried to talk to you, you embarrassed me. So I teased you a little bit which maybe I shouldn't have done, so I'm sorry. And now you're sitting over there playing with your knife, trying to frighten me--which you're doing a good job. But if you're gonna kill me, get on with it; if not, shut the hell up--I'm on vacation.
Mitch Robbins: It's nothing to be ashamed of--I had the same problem. Phil Berquist: Didn't you feel stupid; I mean, didn't you feel . . . inadequate? Mitch Robbins: Yeah, for a while, but then I overcame it. Can I explain it to you again? I mean now promise me you won't get upset. Phil Berquist: O.K.; it's not gonna to do any good. Mitch Robbins: O.K., if you want to watch one show but record another show at the same time, the television set does not have to be on channel 3. Phil Berquist: Yeah it does. Mitch Robbins: No it doesn't. Phil Berquist: It does. Mitch Robbins: No, if you're watching what you're recording, then it has to be on 3. Phil Berquist: What . . . the TV or . . . or the machine? Mitch Robbins: The TV. Phil Berquist: You're saying I can record something I'm not even watching? Mitch Robbins: Yes, that's the point. You don't even need a TV to record. Phil Berquist: How would I see it? Mitch Robbins: Well to see it you need a TV. Ed Furillo: Shut up! Just shut up! He doesn't get it! He'll never get it! It's been 4 hours! The cows can tape something by now! Forget about it please! Phil Berquist: How do you do the clock? Ed Furillo: You're dead. You are dead.
(Cookie is asked to say something at Curly's burial) Cookie: Lord, we give you Curly. Try not to piss him off.
Mitch Robbins: Bonnie, there's a stampede... in your tent!
Mitch Robbins: I have a roping disability.
Mitch Robbins: You know what just occurred to me? Roping is stupid. This is a cow, not a gazelle, watch. Get off the horse, huh? Ok. And then you walk up to the cow. Look at how good this is working. Then you say "Hi. I'm Bob Vila with 'This Old Herd.' We're going to rope you today." Then you take Mr Loop and put it around the head of Mr Cow. (Puts loop of lasso around the head of the cattle) Now what's wrong with that? (Curly whistles and cattle takes off running) Curly: That!
Barbara Robbins: We'll jump off that bridge when we come to it.
Barry Shalowitz: What do you think? What would be the perfect flavor with this meal? Ira Shalowitz: Cherry vanilla? Barry Shalowitz: No. If it was Chinese food, right on the money, but this? Toasted almonds. Mitch Robbins: What's going on? Ira Shalowitz: Barry can pick out the exact right flavor of ice cream to follow any meal. Go ahead. Challenge him. Mitch Robbins: Challenge him? Barry Shalowitz: Go on. Mitch Robbins: Franks and beans. Barry Shalowitz: Scoop of chocolate, scoop of vanilla. Don't waste my time. (Flings plate at Mitch as if he throws down the gauntlet) Barry Shalowitz: Come on. Push me. Mitch Robbins: Sea bass. Barry Shalowitz: Grilled? Mitch Robbins: Sauteed. Barry Shalowitz: I'm with you. Mitch Robbins: Potatoes au gratin. Asparagus. Barry Shalowitz: Rum raisin. Barry Shalowitz, Ira Shalowitz: WOOF!
Bonnie Rayburn: That's really wonderful. You got him to drink from the bottle. Mitch Robbins: Yeah, thank God, 'cause my nipples were killing me.
Phil Berquist: I lost my wife, I lost my job, and I'm developing some kind of rash!
Bonnie Rayburn: I need him to treat me right, and he needed to empty my bank account!
Phil Berquist: (At Curly's funeral) The man ate bacon at every meal... you just can't do that!
(The boys have finally got the cattle herd moving) Ed Furillo: We're doing great, guys! We're driving them! Phil Berquist: Ah, that's perfect! We're lost but we're making good time!