Cheaper by the Dozen
2003
(Tom: You soaked his underwear in meat. That is so wrong. Funny, but wrong.
Tom: Clean up on aisle 12.
Hank: Twelve kids... that's nuts.
Tom: You were checking me out, weren't you? Kate: Yes, I was. You got a problem with that? Tom: Twelve kids later and we still got the heat. Kate: Whoo!
Kate: Mike, you have show-and-tell today. Please honey, remember body parts do not count.
Kate: Sarah, your suspension from lacrosse for excessive force has been lifted, so you're going today. Sarah Baker: Yes! Kate: Henry, you have band practice, all right? I cleaned your clarinet. Please don't play with food in your mouth again. Kim and Jessica, your teacher called and has made a request that you do not correct her in front of the class. Mike, you have show-and-tell today. And please, honey, remember that body parts do not count. Kyle and Nigel, you have a dentist's appointment at three o'clock, so you're going to work with Dad. Nigel Baker, Kyle Baker: Yeah! yells) Tom: (yells)
Lorraine: For the record, I am so over Nora's hand-me-downs. Kate: All right. You look gorgeous in anything, Lorraine.
Tom: I promise you. We will be a happier, stronger family.
Tina Shenk: Is Jake your only child? Kate: Oh no. We have 12. Tom: I couldn't keep her off of me.
Kate: Look alive.
Lorraine: Are you sure we're going to fit in here, dad?
Kate: My book's getting published. Tom: Did I tell you we're going to have it all? Kate: You've never said that. Tom: (Sweeping Kate onto the bed) I'm telling you now, baby. Lorraine: (Rushing from the room) Oh my god, can you guys just please wait till I leave the room? Tom: (Between kisses) Can you hurry?
Charlie: Did I mention I don't like you very much? Tom: Yeah, you mentioned that. Charlie: Then I'm good.
Hank: It's gettin' so as I can hardly go out in public any more. I mean, really, between the autograph hounds and the paparazzi... Kate: Autographs and everything? I mean, just the one commercial, and you have paparazzi? Hank: Yeah. I've never actually seen them, but, you know, they hide in the bush and... they get their shot.
(With his football players) Tom: Get my kids and meet me at my house. Ready? Break.
Mark: Have you seen my frog dad? Tom: Sorry, Charlie, er, Nigel, Kyle. Mark: It's Mark. Tom: I knew that.
Jake: Dude, two words: need new skates. Kate: Dude, three words: paper route.
(Sarah has just orchestrated a major practical joke against Hank) Tom: You have a dark gift, Sarah Baker.
Jake: I heard you were dissing my family. Cooper: I don't even know your family loser. Mike: You do now. (after Mike knocks his Cooper's latte out of his hand) Cooper: My latte!
Nora: Oh honey, there just welcoming you into the family. Hank: They set me on fire. Nora: Just your pants.
Lorraine: Call me crazy Pops but things are getting pretty twisted around here.
Jake: Without you we would not be the 12 bakers we'd be like... 11.
Jake: Want to play catch with the football I got you? Dylan Shenk: My nanny'd have to check with my dad who'd have to check with my mom who'd say it was an inappropriate use of free time. Jake: Sounds like a "yes" to me. Go get it Mikey.
(phoning a "nanny" service) Tom: How many kids do I have? Twelve, but one doesn't live with me and one you never see cuz he's so mad
Lorraine: Black works Mom. Jesus like had his funeral on Christmas. Henry Baker: Jesus died on Easter, Barbie! Jessica Baker: Jesus was resurrected on Easter, moron.
Sarah Baker: Does anyone besides me think our "happier and stronger" life, is actually code for "nastier and suckier"? Mike: First dad forces us to move Jake: Then mom decides to become a career women and like, travel the globe Jessica Baker: And Now, we have to take order from Hank, the model/ actor! Mark: And he hates kids too.
Tom: (finding nanny on phone) I have 2 kids, Plus 10
Tom: She says she will help out here only if she and Hank can stay in the same room. Kate: No. Isn't that sweet kids, Nora wants to have her own room. No.
Tom: They're like kittens.
Hank: So, you guys popping another one anytime soon? (Tom and Kate looking shocked) Hank: Curiosity!
Kate Baker: Like you said, twelve's a big number...
(Sarah banging on the bathroom door) Lorraine: You blew my concentration, now I get to start all over again... haha
Kate: Kim and Jessica, your teacher called and has made a request that you do not correct her in front of the class.
Hank: (motions to his face) This is the moneymaker! I'm not that good of an actor! This is how I get the jobs, I know that.
Tom: Where's Hank? Nora: He's not gonna make the cut. Tom: I hope the family isn't to blame. Nora: (smiles) They're totally to blame.
Nora: Did you not hear me? My brother is missing! Hank: Did you not hear me? I'm on TV!
Tom: Where's Hank? Nora: He's not going to make the cut.
Sarah Baker: Release the hound!
Jake: Yeah, without you, we wouldn't be the twelve Bakers anymore. We'd be, (looks real serious) Jake: eleven.
(phone rings and Mike gets it) Mike: Hello?... Whos this?... (hands the phone to his mom) Mike: Somebody from somethin' somethin'.
Jessica Baker: Dad! Nigel hit Kim with a dart and I assume he will be punished!
Hank: (with passion) Every once in a while, I carve a pumpkin with a knife made of lollipop sticks... Nora: (talking on the phone) It totally sucks!
Kate: You need a paramedic? Tom: No, just a pair o' knees.
Hank: All I'm saying is families are inevitable they're like death or taxes.
(Nora and Hank making out) Kate: (claps) Nora Stop! Wanna help me in the kitchen? Get a pie, look at a picture of grandma, say the rosary.
Kate: (referring to Hank) He's not a doorknob. Jake: He irons his jeans, Mom. Kate: Yeah that's weird.
Jessica Baker: (about Mark) Your eccentricities and vision problems could be linked to any number of the Baker ancestors.
Kim Baker: Hey Nigel! Wanna play darts?
Mike: (shouts) Heads up! (Tom catches the hockey ball right before it hits Tina in the face) Tom: Little less wrist, Mike. Tom: (throws the ball back to him and Mike catches it) Mike: Got it. (shouts) Game on!
Mike: We're gonna move! (Henry, Jake, Sarah, Jessica, Kim and Mark all look surprised and let go of the rope, sending Mike to fall down the chute) Mike: Ahhhh!
Tom: (picking an athletic cup out of the spaghetti sauce) Ah... Pasta de la croch.
Sarah Baker: First we were a family, now we're a support system?
Lorraine: A family *is* a support system, bozo.