Catch-22

1970

General Dreedle: Get back in the car, you smirking slut!

Yossarian: Let me see if I've got this straight: in order to be grounded, I've got to be crazy and I must be crazy to keep flying. But if I ask to be grounded, that means I'm not crazy any more and I have to keep flying.

(last lines) (Yossarian leaps out of the hospital window, fleeing the base. Danby and Tappman watch from the window) Danby: Yossarian! Yossarian: I can do it, Danby! Tappman: They'll catch you, they'll bring you back! Yossarian: I can do it! Danby: This is insane! Yossarian: I can do it! Tappman: What about your clothes? Yossarian: They'll never recognize me without my uniform! Danby: You'll be on the run with no friends! You'll live in constant danger of betrayal! Yossarian: (laughs) I live that way now. Danby: Yossarian, for God's sake, hurry up! Yossarian: So long, Chaplain! Tappman: How do you feel, Yossarian? Yossarian: Fine... because I'm scared to death. Danby: You'll have to keep on your toes every minute. Yossarian: I'll keep on my toes. Tappman: You'll have to jump. Yossarian: I'll jump. Tappman: JUMP! (Yossarian jumps over a ditch and runs to the sea while inflating a life raft. He leaps into the sea, paddling furiously, and is gone)

Yossarian: Those bastards are trying to kill me. 1st Lt Milo Minderbinder: No one is trying to kill you sweetheart. Now eat your dessert like a good boy. Yossarian: Oh yeah? Then why are they shooting at me Milo? Dobbs: They're shooting at everyone Yossarian. Yossarian: And what difference does that make? Dobbs: Look Yossarian, suppose, I mean just suppose everyone thought the same way you do. Yossarian: Then I'd be a damn fool to think any different.

1st Lt Milo Minderbinder: Nately died a wealthy man, Yossarian. He had over sixty shares in the syndicate. Yossarian: What difference does that make? He's dead. 1st Lt Milo Minderbinder: Then his family will get it. Yossarian: He didn't have time to have a family. 1st Lt Milo Minderbinder: Then his parents will get it. Yossarian: They don't need it, they're rich. 1st Lt Milo Minderbinder: Then they'll understand.

Dobbs: (Over the radio) Help him! Help him! Yossarian: Help who? Dobbs: Help the bombardier! Yossarian: I'm the bombardier, I'm all right. Dobbs: Then help HIM, help HIM!

Colonel Cathcart: You're a disgrace. I'd like to know how you got to be a Captain, anyway. Yossarian: You promoted me. Colonel Cathcart: That has got nothing to do with it.

Yossarian: The only friend I had was Snowden and I didn't know him.

1st Lt Milo Minderbinder: What's good for M & M Enterprises will be good for the country.

1st Lt Milo Minderbinder: I want to serve this to the men. Taste it and let me know what you think. (Yossarian takes a bite) Yossarian: What is it? 1st Lt Milo Minderbinder: Chocolate covered cotton. Yossarian: What are you, crazy? 1st Lt Milo Minderbinder: No good, huh? Yossarian: For Christ's sake, you didn't even take the seeds out. 1st Lt Milo Minderbinder: Is it really that bad? Yossarian: It's cotton!

Lt Colonel Moodus: A chair for Dad's girlf... for the lady!

1st Lt Milo Minderbinder: We're gonna come out of this war rich! Yossarian: You're gonna come out rich. We're gonna come out dead.

(first lines) Lt Col Korn, XO: (speaking to Yossarian) All you have to do is be our pal. Colonel Cathcart: Say nice things about us. Lt Col Korn, XO: Tell the folks at home what a good job we're doing. Take our offer Yossarian. Colonel Cathcart: Either that or a court-martial for desertion.

Yossarian: He was very old. Luciana: But he was a boy. Yossarian: Well, he died. You don't get any older than that.

Capt Aarfy Aardvark: I only raped her once.

1st Lt Milo Minderbinder: As a matter of fact, Father, I know I can get my hands on an entire shipment of religious relics, blessed by the Pope himself. The Germans swiped them and put them on the open market. As I understand it, the stuff includes a wrist and collarbones of some of your top saints!

General Dreedle: All right, at ease... there'll be no more moaning in this outfit... the next man who moans is going to be very sorry... Danby: Ohhhhhhh... General Dreedle: Who is this man? Colonel Cathcart: Major Danby, Sir. Lt Col Korn, XO: Danby... D-A-N-B-Y... General Dreedle: Take him out and shoot him. Colonel Cathcart: Sir? General Dreedle: I said take him out and shoot him... can't you hear? Colonel Cathcart: Take Major Danby out and shoot him...

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