Carry On England
1976
(Melly has just swallowed a button from Pvt. Easy's jacket) Pvt. Easy: Oh, I do hope you're regular, Sir! Capt S. Melly: Regular? I've been regular for 18 years! Pvt. Easy: Oh, good. That means I can have it back tomorrow, then. Capt S. Melly: You'll have it back when I'm good and ready. Pvt. Easy: That's alright, Sir. No need to strain yourself!
(Sgt Tilly Willing sees Melly for the first time) Sgt. Tilly Willing: Two inches shorter, he could see right up my skirt!
(on arrival at the mixed battery) Capt S. Melly: Corporal! Capt S. Melly: That man, he's wearing lipstick! Melly's driver: Lipstick sir? Capt S. Melly: Yes. Melly's driver: Where? Capt S. Melly: On his face! Where do you think!
(welcoming Capt S. Melly) Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: (shouts) Welcome to 1313 anti-aircraft battery Sir!
Capt S. Melly: You up there! What's your name? Bombardier Ready: Ready, sir. Capt S. Melly: Ready? Ready... Willing... Able... This is ridiculous. (Ready twitches) Capt S. Melly: What are you doing? Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: (shouts) Twitching, Sir! Capt S. Melly: I can see that Sergeant Major, but why is he twitching? Bombardier Ready: It's me nerves, Sir! Capt S. Melly: Trying to twitch your ticket, eh? Well, it won't work, Bombardier. You're in the army for the duration. Twitch your way out of that! (Bombardier Ready keeps twitching) Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Twitch off! Its not wasted on me, boy. Capt S. Melly: Good man, and what's your name? Gunner Shorthouse: Gunner Shorthouse. Gunner Shorthouse, Sir, that's my name! Capt S. Melly: And what is your name, my man? Er... woman. Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe: Jennifer Ffoukes Sharpe, Sir, the Sharpe with an E and two F's in the Ffoukes. How do you do? (Pvt Ffoukes crushes Capt S. Melly's hand while shaking it) Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: She too is also a ball squeezer, Sir. Capt S. Melly: Do your shoelace up and look sharp about it, Sharpe. Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe: Oh, Tiger! I think you wonderful. When are you going to savage me? Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: If only you was a man I would sort you out! Capt S. Melly: (in reference to Pvt. Owen's foot) Well, you seem to have put your foot in it! Gunner Owen: Not so much my foot, Sir, more my big toe. Capt S. Melly: What's wrong with your big toe? Gunner Owen: Sprained it, Sir, didn't I, when I fell out of bed. Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: (shouts) Pushed out of bed, more like!
(hysterical laughter) Capt S. Melly: What are you laughing at? Pvt. Murray: Well, I'm happy Sir. Capt S. Melly: Happy? What, here?
Sgt. Len Able: What am I supposed to do with this? Eat it or rub it in? Cpl. Cook: You can bounce it off the ceiling for all I care.
(S. Melly gets a rubbish bin stuck on his backside) Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Permission to un-numb bum sir? Capt S. Melly: (shouts) Get on with it! (slap) (Yells with pain) Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Cruel to be kind Sir. Cruel to be kind.
(Major Butcher is called in to deal with some friction burns to Capt S. Melly's bottom) Maj. Butcher: That's quite a nasty friction burn you have there. What you been doing, eh? Arsing about?