Carry on Doctor
1967
Biddle: Nurse I dreamt about you last night. Nurse Clarke: Did you? Biddle: No, you wouldn't let me.
Dr James Kilmore: Just as I thought. You fell on your coccyx. Francis Bigger: I did not. I fell on my back. Dr James Kilmore: Your coccyx is at the base of the spine. Francis Bigger: Well I've never heard it called that before.
(Kilmore backpedals straight into Matron in the hospital corridor) Matron: (Takes thermometer out of her pocket now shaped like a boomerang) That's the third one this week. Dr James Kilmore: Well Matron you can still use it on people who are a bit round the bend.
(Mr Bigger has just been accidently knocked off the gurney he was lying on by the eternally clumsy Dr Kilmore. Bigger lies hurt on the floor) Nurse Parkin: Mr Bigger, whatever are you doing down there? Francis Bigger: Waiting for a number 13 Bus?
Dr Tinkle: It's an enigma Matron. An enigma. Mr Roper: I'm not having another one of those.
(On removal of the patient's bandages, he is invisible) Dr Tinkle: Oh. I still don't like the look of him.
Charlie Roper: What they brought you in here for then. Francis Bigger: Oh just some pain in the back. Its a ooh, ooh dear. Charlie Roper: Last bloke in that bed had the same thing. Francis Bigger: Did he? Charlie Roper: Right up to the end. Francis Bigger: Well that's cheerful. I say one thing for them it's a nice warm bed. Charlie Roper: Should be, they only took him out half an hour ago.
Chloe Gibson: Doctor is Mr Bigger going to be alright? Dr Kenneth Tinkle: Are you his next of kin? Chloe Gibson: Oh no but any day now. Dr Kenneth Tinkle: What do you mean any day now? Chloe Gibson: Well me and Mr Bigger have had an understanding for a number of years and we are kind of on the verge of you know what I mean!
(romantically in the operating theatre to each other in thought and not in voice) Matron: What a wonderful man you are, oh how I love you. Dr Kenneth Tinkle: Oh how I love you.
Nurse Sandra May: oh, I thought you might be a man coming in. Nurse Clarke: Sorry to disappoint you. This is my room... Are you a trainee? Nurse Sandra May: Yes, I was told to report to Fosdick ward right away. Say, will Dr Tinkle be there? Nurse Clarke: Probably, do you know him? Nurse Sandra May: Know Him... (Nurse May reads from a signed photograph) To darling Sandra, my first date... Nurse Clarke: How nice. Nurse Sandra May: He saved my life, he's terrific he's a life giving doll.
Matron: This hospital is getting to small for us Doctor! Dr James Kilmore: Well your not all that big Matron.
(following Dr Tinkle's insistence that Mr Barron attends a Pre Natal class) Mr Barron: Never again never, from now on it's the pill!
Man from Cox & Carter: They don't want rubber sheets, they want straightjackets.
Francis Bigger: (seeing the ward sister being carried into the laundry room) Fancy her wearing red ones under all that! Mr Roper: (on seeing Bigger come out of his room) Get back in there and keep quiet! Francis Bigger: (approaching Roper) Oh. What's this? The revolt of the slaves? Mr Roper: Something like that. We've got some business to settle with Tinkle! Francis Bigger: (pointing to his room) You want me to stay in there? Never! Up the rebels, and to hell with Burgundy. Mr Roper: Where? Francis Bigger: Bur-gun-dy!