Carry On at Your Convenience

1971

(Sid and Beattie Plummer are discussing the mating habits of budgerigars) Beattie: Well, we know Joey's a he-bird... Sid: Cock. Beattie: He is! The man in the pet shop said so!

(W.C. Boggs on fortune tellers...) W.C.: Fakes, that's all they are, sitting there staring in their crystal whatsitsnames. Sid: Balls. W.C.: I quite agree!

(waving a dinner knife) Agatha Spanner: This is a respectable and refined neighbourhood AND DON'T YOU BLOODY FORGET IT. Vic Spanner: How can I, when you keep reminding me of it so nicely.

(disguised as a fortune teller Sid is prognosticating on W. C. Boggs and Miss Withering's future) Sid: I see a marriage and one, two, three... fourteen children!

(Vic walks out on his job at Boggs and is leaving the forecourt) Girl: Excuse me but they sent me from the exchange. I'm the new canteen girl. Can you tell me where I go? Vic Spanner: Oh Yes. I was just going in myself, I'll show you where it is. Yes, we've got a lovely pair of canteens here and a nice load of people.

Bunny Waitress: (Bunny Waitress leaning over Lewis) Yes? Lewis Boggs: (Trying to order more drinks) I'd like another couple of those please. (Myrtle is not impressed) Lewis Boggs: I mean, these, please. Myrtle Plummer: If I was you I would have stuck to your first request!

Chloe Moore: Fred do you really think I would I'd want to play around with anyone else about when I got a smashing bloke like you to play around with? Fred Moore: I know women, when there's no prime beef handy they'll do with any old scrag end. Chloe Moore: Well then you want to make sure there's plenty of prime beef when they need it, don't you?

Agatha Spanner: (in reference to the Motorbike revving noise) Stop that row and get that thing out of here! Go on you great big lump! Mrs Spragg: Quite right Mrs Spanner it's a disgrace it is! Agatha Spanner: You mind your own bloody business.

(Miss Withering tests out Mr Boggs' new toilet seat) W.C.: Well Miss Withering, how does it feel, comfortable? Hortence Withering: Yes I think so Mr Boggs. W.C.: Good, good. Comfort before beauty, that's what I always say. Sid: It a bit big in the bowl, ain't it? Charles Coote: It is only 2 centrementres more than our last model and I'm sure we shan't fall out over that. Sid: Its falling in I'm worried about! W.C.: No, no! I live your overall design Mr Coote. Charles Coote: Oh thank you Sir. Hortence Withering: May I get off now please? W.C.: Yes of course Mrs Withering, and thank you you have been most patient. Sid: Yes like Jove on a monument, and what a monument! W.C.: Yes, we must make sure that the catch is strong enough to support the seat. Sid: Do you mind if I try it? W.C.: No, go ahead. (Sid gets out his paper and starts moving around from side to side on the new toilet) Sid: Yes I don't think I could stand it for more than half an hour. Charles Coote: It was hardly designed for a reading room! Sid: Ere... Look at this very slender this pedestle... Isn't it? Charles Coote: It's streamlined! Sid: What for, wind resistance? Charles Coote: In any case the thickness has nothing to do whatsoever with the tensile strength. W.C.: I hope your right Mr Coote. I have had bitter experience of what happens when one of these collapses, or rather my poor wife had, God rest her soul.

Sid: How about some food? Beattie: Well I could make you some Beans on toast or something? Sid: No, nothing to elaborate thank you.

Chloe Moore: Old tinder bottom's off again, nothing bloomin' strike I suppose. Maud: Oh no, what's it for? Chloe Moore: You know our Vic, he never has known what it's for!

Vic Spanner: (there is anger at the loss of the tea round) It's another a little prodd at the very vitals of your personal freedom. Chloe Moore: I never noticed anyone prodding at my vitals! Ernie: Good for you Chloe. Willie: Anytime for you Chloe!

Lewis Boggs: You may not understand exactly what it means, but since I have been working in this factory I have been making a time and motion study. Chloe Moore: Oh I know what it means Mr Lewis and if you've got the time I've certainly got the motion. Lewis Boggs: Don't think I haven't noticed it Mrs Moore, especially in your main production department. Chloe Moore: Oh you cheeky devil.

Chloe Moore: Come on Fred, I'll get you something to eat. Fred Moore: I could do with a bit. Sid: Spoken like a true man!

Chloe Moore: Oh hello Fred, Sid just give me a life home. Fred Moore: I hope that's all he gave you!

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