Carry On Abroad
1972
(in Vic Flange's Pub, Sadie Tompkins orders a drink at the bar for herself) Sadie Tompkins: Have you got a large one? Vic Flange: I've had no complaints so far. Sadie Tompkins: Seeing's believing... Vic Flange: You won't need a magnifying glass! (Vic gives Sadie the drink) Vic Flange: There you are... no, no, have it on me - if you know what I mean! Sadie Tompkins: Oh, you don't have to draw me any diagrams! Vic Flange: Pity - I was just going to get my ballpoint out!
Stuart Farquhar: My name is Stuart Farquhar, the representative of Wundatours. Pepe: Stupid what? Stuart Farquhar: STUART! STUART FARQUHAR! Pepe: Ahh, you Mr Farqiarse.
Cora Flange: You filthy rotten stinking beast. Vic Flange: What have I done now? Cora Flange: Don't you come the innocent with me. You and that Sadie Tomkins... "Are you going on the same trip too? Oh well fancy that, yes fancy that." Well, I don't fancy that AT ALL!
Vic Flange: Oh, have a heart, darling, you know I need this holiday. You wouldn't want me to go without it just because she's going to be there. Cora Flange: If she's going to be there, you won't be going without it!
Stuart Farquhar: Afternoon, Miss Dobbs, a lovely day for it. Miss Dobbs: That's what they all say, Mr Farquhar, but it won't get you anywhere. Stuart Farquhar: I meant for the Elsbels trip, Miss Dobbs.
Vic Flange: Lovely day for it! Miss Dobbs: That's what they all say...
Stuart Farquhar: Please, Miss Plunkett, you're squashing my itinerary. Moira Plunkett: Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I keep on forgetting what a big girl I am now. Stuart Farquhar: Quite, shall we get them out now? Moira Plunkett: Why, Mr Farquhar! Stuart Farquhar: The people for the coach, I mean. Moira Plunkett: Oh, those. Yes, of course.
Tuttle's Mother: Oh. I meant to tell you, dear, keep your woolly vest on, even at night... Eustace Tuttle: Yes, Mummy - and goodbye. Tuttle's Mother: ... and when you do go, always put plenty of paper down first.
(on arrival at the Palace Hotel in Elsbels) Pepe: It's very lovings, no? Stuart Farquhar: I beg your pardon, oh you mean lovely, oh yes very nice. Pepe: It's all brand news, tables not sat in, chairs not sat in, lavatory not sat... Stuart Farquhar: Yes, we needn't go into all that.
Evelyn Blunt: I, for one, think it was absolutely outrageous, asking us to share a room just because we're married. Stanley Blunt: I don't know, dear, I thought it was quite reasonable under the circumstances.
Evelyn Blunt: Not for me thank you. Vic Flange: Oh. Don't drink? Evelyn Blunt: No, I tried it once and didn't like it. Vic Flange: Smoke? Evelyn Blunt: I tried it once and didn't like it. Vic Flange: Strange. Evelyn Blunt: Not at all, my daughter is just the same. Vic Flange: Your only child, I presume!
Postcard Seller: Excuse me, mister - you like postcards? Very interesting! Stuart Farquhar: Oh yes - Miss Plunkett, didn't you want a postcard to send to your mother? (Stuart Farquhar looks at the postcards) Stuart Farquhar: OOOOOOHHH. Moira Plunkett: Any good? Stuart Farquhar: No, I'm afraid they're quite unsuitable. Moira Plunkett: Oh, are they naughty ones? Do let me see. Stuart Farquhar: Certainly not.
Floella: Sure! - with no blooding food and no blooding staff!
(outside the Wundatours Shop) Bert Conway: Hey, son, hey! Is this for the dirty weekend? Stuart Farquhar: This is the four-day trip to Elsbels, if that's what you mean? Bert Conway: Same difference, isn't it? Stuart Farquhar: Have you got a ticket? Bert Conway: Certainly. I don't expect to get it for nothing - not the holiday anyway!
(at the dinner table, the waiter brings the wine to the table) Georgio: A beautiful wine for a beautiful lady... Evelyn Blunt: Was that supposed to be a compliment? Stanley Blunt: Better taste the wine first.
(on the beach, Nicholas gets chatting to Lily, Robin reacts with jealousy) Robin: Come along, Nicholas, you promised to help me do my hair. Nicholas: Oh, push off!
(on the coach waiting to go to the Airport) Marge: I hope there's some young ones! Lily: Oh stop worrying, Marge, they told me there was a big party of young blokes coming. Marge: I certainly hope so.
Sadie Tompkins: Don't you understand? I don't want just a quick roll in the hay. I need something that's going to last. Bert Conway: Who says it's not going to last? We don't go home until tomorrow afternoon.
Brother Bernard: Morning. I'd just like to apologise to your friend about her skirt last night. Marge: Oh, forget it. Sssh... Why don't you get your clothes off and get some sun? Brother Bernard: Oh no, I couldn't do that.
Stuart Farquhar: (while being detained in the Spanish jail) I feel that I should point out that we are all British subjects. Police Chief: I know, and you have my deepest sympathy. Stuart Farquhar: Yes, quite. Well, I don't want to make an international incident out of this... Police Chief: That is most kind of you, sir. Stuart Farquhar: ... but I must protest most strongly about being detained in this way. Police Chief: Naturally, sir.
Vic Flange: (flapping his hands like wings) Flying! You don't like flying, remember? Cora Flange: (flapping her hands like wings) I don't like washing floors, but I'd still rather do that than you get some other scrubber!
Harry: I hear you're going on your holiday tomorrow then? Vic Flange: Just a weekend. Harry: All right for some, you taking the missus too? Vic Flange: No, she won't go abroad. Doesn't like flying, do you, love? Cora Flange: All the same, if I did, someone has to look after the pub. Vic Flange: It's one of them new package deals. 17 quid, all in. Harry: Where are you going to? Vic Flange: Oh, some new resort in the Med. Cora Flange: Oh, for Heaven's sake, Vic, why don't you tell him? Its a place called Elsbels. Harry: Elsbels? The island? Vic Flange: Yes. Harry: Tomorrow? Vic Flange: Yes. Harry: Blimey, there's a coincidence for you. Vic Flange: What is? Harry: Sadie's going on the same trip!
Cora Flange: Coach? I though we were going by air? Vic Flange: We have to go in the coach to get to the airport! Cora Flange: But you didn't say anything about coaches; I don't like going in them either. Vic Flange: Oh, gawd blimey. You're determined to have a good time aren't you?
Bert Conway: Where's all the crumpet? Eustace Tuttle: I don't think they give us any tea!
Brother Martin: I say that's rather interesting, Brother Bernard. There are directions here for finding the tomb of St. Cecelia, the founder of our order. Brother Bernard: (with no interest, Brother Bernard is distracted by the sight of Marge and Lily in bikinis) Oh, that's nice. Brother Martin: Yes, isn't it? It is believed to lie in the middle of the island, about five miles north of the port of Elsbels. If we follow them, I think we might get somewhere. Brother Bernard: (still watching the girls) Do you think we should? Brother Martin: Ah, well, that is what we came for, isn't it? Brother Bernard: Is it? I thought we were going to find the tomb of St. Cecelia. Brother Martin: That is what I am talking about. Brother Bernard: Oh, I'm sorry, Brother Martin. I was thinking of something else. Brother Martin: If we made an early start perhaps we could have lunch in the village? Do you fancy that Brother Bernard? Brother Bernard: (In reference to Marge and not the lunch) Not 'arf!
Moira Plunkett: I wonder what this is? Santa Cecilia's Exlixir. Vic Flange: Oh, some local quack medicine, I suppose. Stall-Holder: Oh no, sir, is not medicine. Is for l'amoura. Vic Flange: Pardon? Stall-Holder: Liqueur - for making plenty of passion! Vic Flange: Get away!
Madame Fifi: Dirty pig, you insult-a my fine ladies! Eustace Tuttle: We were only playing leap frog!
Second Policeman: (huge amounts of food arrive for the prisoners in the Spanish jail after Moira Plunkett sweet talks the Chief of Police) With the compliments of the Chief of Police...