Bromwell High
2005
Natella: I have to tell the headmaster that Aisha broke the swing. It's the right thing to do. Latrina: And because you're doing the right thing, when Aisha kills you, you'll go straight to Heaven. Natella: Latrina, I'm a Hindu. Latrina: Disneyland?
Keisha: (keisha is being interrogated by the police) You got the wrong person, I'm J-Lo.
Prosecutor: Is it a lie? Or is it the truth! Keisha: No, it's a lie. You need some better questions, man. Prosecutor: Or maybe what I need is worse questions!
Iqbal: Okay I have good news and bad news. The bad news is, we lose lawsuit and have to pay six jillion squid to some lawyer. Good news is, Iqbal ain't gonna take that shit from no-one. Iqbal is going to fight! I is take this case to House of Lords. And when they is tell me to fuck off, I is go to Brussels! Iqbal is never going to give in while he has breath in his body. Who's with me? I said, who's with me? (Everyone applauds) On second thought it would be really difficult. School is closed forever.
Inspector: Well Keisha, do you think you can handle five fires a week? Keisha: No problem. Mr Bibbs: You could say she was "fired up" for it. (everyone laughs) Iqbal: I don't get it. You is fired?
Prosecutor: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God? Mr Bibby: (hand on Bible) I do. Prosecutor: Is your name Roger Bibby? Mr Bibby: No. (Bible bursts into flames) Mr Bibby: That means nothing.
Natella: I guess it's like Alcohol. Just one more drink, then one more, then one more, then one more, until you spiral out of control! Latrina: Oh yeah, like me that one time.
(repeated line) Headmaster Iqbal: Bloody Shitcakes!
Student: (about division) I still don't understand. Martin: Well, then, you're just a fucking idiot, then, aren't you? I've done pie, I've done orange, what more do you want?
Martin: (Martin has just sold his novel, thus quitting his teaching job) Hee hee! You will never use anything I've taught you! And you're all idiots! Especially Keisha! Keisha: (smug) He chose me.
relegion teacher: Keisha, I know someone who loves you. Keisha: Is it Spencer? relegion teacher: No, his name is Jesus Christ. Keisha: That's it, I'm outta here! relegion teacher: No, wait. I'm serious Keisha: Sorry, that's more of Latrina's sort of thing.
Natella: Keisha, this is the third fire you caused this week! Keisha: Oh, yeah? When? Natella: One on Monday, one on Tuesday and one today! Keisha: Okay, you got me.
Latrina: Tolerance is for gays!
Latrina: Oh, Natella! Marching with pride is for gays!
Latrina: But, Natella, not having babies is for gays!
Keisha: I's tolerant! I's tolerant like a motherfucker!
Latrina: Wheelchair access is for gays!
Martin: Carol, that fireman says you shagged him! Carol: Which one? Martin: That one! (points to a fireman) Carol: Oh, no, I didn't shag him. Martin: Ha ha. Unlucky!
Martin: I'm not fly. Carol: You're not fly! Martin: I'm a math teacher. Carol: You're a math teacher. Martin: And that's plenty cool enough. Carol: You're a math teacher.
Iqbal: (after getting cable television) I have seen the future, and it's porn, sharks and Nazis!
(repeated line) Iqbal: And item 54...
Carol: (after Iqbal gets a big bag of money) Please tell me you will be spending that money on books. Iqbal: If by books you mean wind surfing lessons, then yes!
Iqbal: (talking about cutbacks) From now on you will be drinking your own urine... in fact, you will be drinking my urine from now on!
Miss Hutchinson: Well, sex education is very important. Iqbal: Not to me. I just stick it in.
Keisha: So today's the day... Natella: Yep, D-Day. Keisha: Yep, Thursday. Natella: Friday. Keisha: Yep, Wednesday. Natella: No, it's Friday, Keisha. Keisha: Or is it D-Day? Natella: Yes, but that's... Keisha: You think you know so much about the days of the week!
Natella: (after playing her sitar and Gavin breaks it on stage) Well, what do you think? Give me your honest opinion. Keisha: You were shit, shitier than shit. You were so shit it made me wanna block out my ears of shit and eat some shit, and then do a shit. Natella: Right... Lartina? Latrina: Shit. Natella: Well, obviously I can't expect you to appreciate the subtleties of Indian classical music. For my talents to be truly appreciated, I require a more sophisticated audience. Keisha: I agree, if sophisticated means deaf.
Dave Anderson: (after getting a record deal) Mornin', Martin. Martin: I'm not jealous. Dave Anderson: ?of what? Martin: Nothing. Fuck! Dave Anderson: What'd you mean fuck? Martin: I love teaching. I don't want to be a millionaire. (begins to cry)
Gavin: (writing a letter) Dear Archbishop, my robot Jesus is just like the real Jesus, except he's a robot.
(Keisha has been speaking in riddles) Latrina: What class do we have next? Keisha: Across the channel lies a land / Whose words we cannot understand Latrina: Ah, French. Keisha: Double Chemistry.
Keisha: Why is I have to study English? I speaks the bitch!
Headmaster Iqbal: (interviewing disabled teachers, Iqbal commandeers a wheelchair) I am a Dalek! Exterminaaaate!
(Iqbal is sobbing in the cloakroom) Mr Bibby: Why Headmaster, you're crying. I daresay, you're blubbering like a gimp. If you did this in Albania, or wherever it is you're from, they'd cut your nuts off. Iqbal: The teachers, they don' like me. Mr Bibby: Well they didn't like me when I took their credit cards, but you don't see me crying about it.
Keisha Marie: It's shit. S-H-T-F, shit.
Keisha Marie: That's bad. B-A-F, bad.
Keisha Marie: He looks rough. R-U-P-H, rough.
Keisha Marie: That's crap. K-R-C, crap.
Latrina: Your uniform blows, lady.
Iqbal: (entering staff room) Ok, ladyboys, listen to Iqbal.