Blackadder II
1986
Blackadder: Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. Contemptible. Worth a try.
Nursie: Ointment, that's what you need when your head's cut off.
Lord Percy: The fashion today is towards the tiny. Blackadder: In that case you have the most fashionable brain in London.
Blackadder: They have one great redeeming feature: their wallets. More capacious than an elephant's scrotum and just as difficult to get your hands on.
Bishop of Bath and Wells: Never have I encountered such foul, mindless perversity. Have you considered a career in the church?
Simon Partridge: (as Queen Elizabeth emerges from the closet) Whoa, another stripper. Geoffrey Piddle: (as Lord Whiteadder also appears) And a male stripper! Monk: Oh yes, this is much more like it! (removes The Queen's cloak, revealing her identity) Simon Partridge: And she's come dressed as the queen. Geoffrey Piddle: Sexy! Queen Elizabeth: (indignant) Do you know who I am? Blackadder: (entering) Yes. I know who you are. Geoffrey Piddle: Who? Blackadder: You're Merlin, the Happy Pig. Queen Elizabeth: Wrong, I'm afraid. I am the Queen of England. (they all kneel) I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman. But I have the heart and stomach of a concrete elephant. Simon Partridge: Prove it! Queen Elizabeth: (playfully) Certainly will. (picks up a large mug of beer) First I'm going to have a little drinkie, and then I'm going to execute the whole bally lot of you.
Blackadder: This place smells worse than a pair of armored trousers after the hundred year war. Baldrick. Have you been eating dung again?
Lord Flasheart: Ah, Melchett. Still worshipping God? Last I heard... He'd started worshipping me.
Lord Percy: Now, Edmund. If you're not careful, all the children will dance around your window singing Sourpuss and Grumpyface and you don't want that, now do you?
Queen Elizabeth: It's him. Oh, God. Do I look absolutely divine and regal, and yet and at the same time very pretty and rather accessible?
Blackadder: It is said that the civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that by learned discourse, he may rise above the savage, and be closer to God. Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me that I'm best.
Lord Melchett: Gray, I suspect, your Majesty. Queen Elizabeth: I think you'll find they were orange, Lord Melchett. Lord Melchett: Gray is more usual, Ma'am. Queen Elizabeth: Who's Queen? Lord Melchett: As you say, Majesty. There were these magnificent orange elephants...
Lord Percy: I'd like to meet the Spaniard who can make his way past me. Blackadder: Well, go to Spain; there are millions of them.
Blackadder: The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own satanic HERD.
Baldrick: There's a priest wants t'see you, m'lord. Blackadder: Well, tell him I'm Jewish.
Blackadder: Baldrick, get the door. (there is a crash and Baldrick enters with the door) Now, Baldrick, I advise you to make whatever explanation you are about to give exceptionally good. Baldrick: You said get the door. Blackadder: Not good enough, you're fired. Baldrick: But I've been in your family since 1557. Blackadder: So has syphilis. Now get out.
Blackadder: So, Baldrick, when I call for my incredibly strong ale, I want you to pass me water. Understand? Baldrick: Yes, m'lord. When you ask for ale, I pass water.
Blackadder: Which reminds me, Auntie... Lady Whiteadder: Don't call me "Auntie." Aunt is a relative and relatives are evidence of sex. Which is hardly a fitting conversation for the dinner table. Blackadder: Or indeed, any table. Lord Percy: Except perhaps a table in a brothel.
Lord Flasheart: Nursie. I like it firm and fruity. Am I pleased to see you or did I just put a canoe in my pocket? Down, boy, down.
Blackadder: Right Baldrick, let's try again shall we? This is called adding. If I have two beans, and then I add two more beans, what do I have? Baldrick: Some beans. Blackadder: Yes... and no. Let's try again shall we? I have two beans, then I add two more beans. What does that make? Baldrick: A very small casserole. Blackadder: Baldrick, the ape creatures of the Indus have mastered this. Now try again. One, two, three, four. So how many are there? Baldrick: Three. Blackadder: What? Baldrick: ... and that one. Blackadder: Three and that one. So if I add that one to the three what will I have? Baldrick: Oh. Some beans. Blackadder: Yes. To you Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?
Lord Percy: My Lord. I have waited on your return. (hugs Blackadder) Blackadder: And thank God you did Percy, for I was just thinking to myself: "My God, I die in 12 hours, what I really need now is a hug from a complete prat.'
Baldrick: Have you got a plan, my lord? Blackadder: Yes I have, and it's so cunning you could brush your teeth with it.
Blackadder: Baldrick, go forth into the streets and let it be known that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy... just go forth into the street.
Lord Flasheart: I've got a plan, and it's as hot as my pants.
Doctor Leech: It isn't every day a man wakes up to discover he's a screaming bender with no more right to live on God's clean Earth than a weasel. Ashamed of yourself? Blackadder: Not really, no. Doctor Leech: Bloody Hell. I would be. Still, why should I complain. Just leaves more rampant totty for us real men, eh? Blackadder: Look, am I paying for this abuse or is it extra? Doctor Leech: No, no, it's all part of the service.
Lord Flasheart: She's got a tongue like an electric eel, and she likes the taste of a man's tonsils.
Lady Whiteadder: Cold is God's way of telling us to burn more Catholics.
Blackadder: Aah, and who is Jane? Lord Percy: I'm sworn to secrecy. Torture me, kill me, you shall never know. Ooh, ouch... Jane Herrington. We're very much in love, my lord. Blackadder: This is *the* Jane Herrington? Lord Percy: Yes. Blackadder: Jane "bury-me-in-a-Y-shaped-coffin" Herrington. Lord Percy: I... , I think maybe there are two Jane Herringtons. Blackadder: No... Tall, blond, elegant? Lord Percy: Right, that's right. Blackadder: Goes like a privy door when the plague comes down?
Baldrick: I've been in your service since I was two and a half, my lord. Blackadder: Well that is the why I am so utterly sick of the sight of you.
Blackadder: I seek information about a Wisewoman. Young Crone: Ah, the Wisewoman... the Wisewoman. Blackadder: Yes, the Wisewoman. Young Crone: Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wisewoman. First, she is... a woman. And second, she is... Blackadder: Wise? Young Crone: You do know her then? Blackadder: No, just a wild stab in the dark which is, incidentally, what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful. Do you know where she lives? Young Crone: Of course. Blackadder: Where? Young Crone: Here. Do you have an appointment? Blackadder: No. Young Crone: Well, you can go in anyway. Blackadder: Thank you young crone. Here is a purse of moneys... which I'm not going to give to you.
(Percy and Queen Elizabeth are playing frisbee) Lord Percy: (Catches the frisbee) Howzat. Queen Elizabeth: Percy, who's Queen? Lord Percy: (Throws it away) Butterfingers.
(Blackadder sees through Ludwig's disguise at a fancy dress party and stabs him) Queen Elizabeth: But how did you know it wasn't Nursie? Blackadder: It was simple. You see, Ludwig was a master of disguise, whereas Nursie is a sad insane old woman with an udder fixation. All I had to do was kill the one who actually looked like a cow.
Blackadder: This place smells worse than a pair of armored trousers after the Hundred Year War. Baldrick! Have you been eating dung again? Lord Percy: My Lord! I have waited on your return! Lord Percy: (hugs Blackadder) Blackadder: And thank God you did, Percy, for I was just thinking to myself, "My God, I die in 12 hours, what I really need now is a hug from a complete prat." Lord Percy: After literally an hour's ceaseless searching, I have succeeded in creating gold, pure gold. Blackadder: Are you sure? Lord Percy: Yes, my lord. Behold. Blackadder: Percy... it's green. Lord Percy: That's right, my lord. Blackadder: Yes, Percy, I don't want to be pedantic or anything, but the colour of gold is gold. That's why it's *called* gold. What you have discovered, if it has a name, is "green". Lord Percy: Oh, Edmund, can it be true, that I hold here in my mortal hand a nugget of purest green? Blackadder: Indeed you do, Percy, except, of course, it's not really a nugget, it's more of a splat. Lord Percy: Well, yes, a splat today... but tomorrow - who knows, or dares to dream? Blackadder: So we three alone in all the world can produce the finest green at will? Lord Percy: Just so. Not sure about counting in Baldrick, actually.
(At the queen's costume party, Baldrick is crouched with two pencils up his nose) Queen Elizabeth: Well, what are you supposed to be? Baldrick: A pencil case.
Queen Elizabeth: Unfortunately, apart from my nose getting a little prettier, nothing much has changed around here. Your animal still isn't housetrained. Your friend's still unemployed. And Nursie's one stick short of a bundle. Nursie: Moo.
Blackadder: (after seeing Percy's giant ruff) You look like a bird that's swallowed a plate. Lord Percy: Actually, I think it makes me look rather sexy. Blackadder: To another plate swallowing bird perhaps, if it was blind and hadn't had it in months.
Blackadder: I have better things to do than listen to Sir Rather-A-Wally Raleigh
(Melchett and Blackadder are prisoners of the Spanish Inquisition) Lord Melchett: Let's play a word game. Blackadder: OK, make a sentence out of the following words: face, sodding, your, shut.
(Edmund is trying to impress his puritan relatives) Blackadder: This is a house of simple purity. Monk: (Runs in and vomits in fireplace) Great booze-up, Edmund. Lady Whiteadder: Do you know that man? Blackadder: No. Lady Whiteadder: He called you Edmund Blackadder: Oh, know him? Yes, I do. Lady Whiteadder: Then can you explain what he meant by "great booze-up"? Blackadder: (very long pause) Yes, I can. My friend is a missionary and on his last visit abroad brought back with him the chief of a famous tribe. His name is Great Boo. He's been suffering from sleeping sickness and he's obviously just woken because as you've heard, Great Boo's up.
(Blackadder shows Baldrick a potato) Blackadder: I mean, look at this. What is it? Baldrick: I'm surprised you've forgotten, my lord. Blackadder: I haven't forgotten; it's a rhetorical question. Baldrick: No, it's a potato.
(Elizabeth has coerced Blackadder into having a drinking party that night. He is trying to get it postponed a day because his rich Puritan relatives will be visiting) Queen Elizabeth: I know why you want to get out of it, because I remember the last time you had a party. I found you face-down in a puddle, wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins. Blackadder: Yes, all right! All right! Tonight it is! Queen Elizabeth: Oh, Edmund... I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes I think about having you executed just to see the expression on your face.
Lady Whiteadder: Chairs! You have chairs in your House? Blackadder: Yes, well... (she slaps him twice) Lady Whiteadder: Wicked Child! Chairs are the work of Belezabub! At our house Nathaneal sits on a spike! Blackadder: And yourself? Lady Whiteadder: I sit on Nathaneal! Two spikes would be an extravagence.
Queen Elizabeth: Oh, and Edmund was right. You do smell like fish. PHOOHEY!
Baldrick: (Black Adder is in desperate need of money to pay a debt to the Bank of the Black Monks of St Herod) I have heard there's good money to be made down the docks. Doing favours for sailors. Blackadder: What do you mean? Delivering messages, sewing on buttons?
Blackadder: (a Sailor wants Black Adder to tell him a children's story because he misses his mum) and then Squirry the Squirrel went Ni, Ni, Ni and they went home for tea Arthur the Sailor: Thanks very much me ol' shivering mateys! Now how much do you charge for good hard shag?
Queen Elizabeth: (about Lord Melchett, who is drunk) He was banging on the castle gates and falling over, and singing a curious song about a girl who possessed something called... a dicky-dido?
Prince Ludwig: I shall return and wreak my rewengey! Blackadder: No you won't, you will die and be buried. (throws knife at him)
Queen Elizabeth: (knock at door) Who is it? Lord Melchett: It is I, your majesty. Queen Elizabeth: Stop! Close your eyes. Now enter. Lord Melchett, Blackadder: (both enter - Melchett has his hand over his eyes) Queen Elizabeth: (doing a very bad imitation of a sailor) Ahoy there me shivering matey, heave-ho. (normal voice) Right, now open your eyes. Lord Melchett: (uncovers eyes) Thank you ma'am. And um... (looks around room) Queen Elizabeth: (practically squealing with delight) What's the matter Melchie? Lord Melchett: (very obviously humouring her) Well I beg your pardon your majesty, but I was hoping to greet the gallant young sailor who hallooed me as I came in. Perchance he has hauled anchor and sailed away. Queen Elizabeth: (mischievously) No. It was me! Lord Melchett: Majesty! Surely not. Blackadder: You utter creep.
Balladeer: Blackadder! Blackadder! He heard the new world call. / Blackadder! Blackadder! Discovered bugger all!
Lord Melchett: (Blackadder and Melchett are chained in Prince Ludwig's dungeon) Will I never see England more? Her roaring fields, her swooping swallows... Blackadder: ... And her playful sheep.
Blackadder: Shut up, Balders. You'd laugh at a Shakespeare comedy.