Bill Cosby: Himself
1983
Bill Cosby: It was because of my father that from the ages of seven to fifteen, I thought that my name was Jesus Christ and my brother, Russell, thought that his name was Dammit. "Dammit, will you stop all that noise?" And, "Jesus Christ, sit down!" One day, I'm out playing in the rain, and my father yelled, "Dammit will you get back in here!" I said, "Dad, I'm Jesus Christ!"
Bill Cosby: Little Jeffrey. I remember his name, not because he said, "I'm four years old," but because Jeffrey's mother said his name all 2500 miles of the trip.
Bill Cosby: I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"
Bill Cosby: Now you've got to go. So you come into the bathroom, close the door; now, don't forget: you owe this to yourself. You've worked hard all week. It's come to this: (Kneels beside the chair and pretends to lift the lid on the john, then starts moaning) "Ahh, Jesus... Oh, God... If You get me out of this, I'll never drink again as long as I live... " (groans again) Now you are ready to put your face in a place that was never built for your face.
Bill Cosby: Parents aren't interested in justice - they want QUIET!
Bill Cosby: I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are.'
Bill Cosby: My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, "You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you."
Bill Cosby: My parents never smiled... because I had brain damage. My wife and I don't smile because our children are LOADED with it. Oh, my parents smile now, whenever they come over to the house and see how much trouble I'm having. Oh, they have a ball! "Havin' a li'l trouble, huh, son?"
Bill Cosby: I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know where I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job... and I don't want it.
Bill Cosby: Every father says the same thing: "Where's your mother?"
Bill Cosby: A person with no children says, "Well I just love children," and you say "Why?" and they say, "Because a child is so truthful, that's what I love about 'em - they tell the truth." That's a lie, I've got five of 'em. The only time they tell the truth is if they're having pain.
Bill Cosby: Carole Burnett described what labor pains feel like. She said "Take your bottom lip and pull it over your head."
Bill Cosby: You know my father's favorite game? "C'mere and pull my finger."
Bill Cosby: Dad is great! Give us the chocolate cake!
Bill Cosby: When you're a father you censor yourself. You get just as angry with a child but you don't want to say, "What the filth and foul and I'll filth and foul, filth and foul and, yeah, ya filth and foul face, and I'll filth and foul, foul, filth!" You don't want to say that to a child so you censor yourself and you sound like an idiot.
Bill Cosby: Only people as intelligent as we could fake such stupidity.
Bill Cosby: Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair... and the first thing they grab is an iron hook.
Bill Cosby: FBIBER!
Bill Cosby: (when his wife sees that he has given the kids cake for breakfast) I've always heard about people having a conniption but I've never seen one. You don't want to see 'em. My wife's face split. My wife's face split and the skin and hair split and came off of her face so that there was nothing except a skull. And orange lights came out of her hair and there was glitter all around. And fire shot from her eye sockets and began to burn my stomach and she said, "WHERE DID THEY GET CHOCOLATE CAKE FROM?"
Bill Cosby: I've got a Ferrari. VROOM! I do 104 from the garage to the front door.
Bill Cosby: My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.
Bill Cosby: I asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic, he told me how he killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.
Bill Cosby: A person that is going to go out and get so drunk that you're going to get sick is just an all-time dumb person.
Bill Cosby: I didn't know how serious it is to a female that you lift the lid.
Bill Cosby: Then my wife stood up... in the stirrups, and on the next contraction, she told everybody in the delivery room that my parents were never married.
Bill Cosby: My wife and I have five children and the reason why we have five children is because we do not want six.
Bill Cosby: (after spanking the kids) My wife comes downstairs with a broken stick. She throws it on the table and begins to talk out loud to... NOBODY!
Bill Cosby: A person with one child does not have to deal with "Willyoustoptuchingme?" If you've got one child, and the child's doing that, you gotta take it away.
Bill Cosby: My mother comes in my room and says, "Just look at this mess! This is a pig sty!" Now, I've already been in the room five hours, and she wants me to LOOK at it.
Bill Cosby: (angrily making breakfast) So I go to the refrigerator and I get the damned BACON and the SAUSAGE, makin' breakfast at six o'clock (BLAM) in the MORNING, and then I GRAB THE - you have to be careful with eggs.
Bill Cosby: I tell my kids, "This is not the same person I grew up with. You are looking at an old woman who is trying to get into Heaven."
Bill Cosby: (about a talk with his son) So I looked at him. And I noticed that from here... (pointing to one side of his head) Bill Cosby: ... all the way around to here... (pointing to the other side) Bill Cosby: ... there was no hair. I said, "Son?" Called him "son". "What... happened to your hair?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "Son, take your hand and put it on top of your head and tell me what you feel." He said, "There's no hair." I said, "Right! Now, tell Dad what happened to your hair." He said, "I don't know." I said, "Son, was your head with you all day today?" He said, "Uh-huh." I said, "Was this the hair you wanted?" He said, "Uh-huh." I said, "A reverse Mohawk?" He said, "Uh-huh." I said, "Did you cut your hair off?" He said, "Uh-huh." I said, "Well, why didn't you tell me that in the beginning?" He said, "I don't know!"
Bill Cosby: Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago.
Bill Cosby: Why do I have to feed the kids? They just ate twelve hours ago!
Bill Cosby: (in the hospital room after the birth of their first baby) ... and I looked at it... and it wasn't getting any better. So I went over to my wife, kissed her ever so gently on the cheek, and I said "pudd... congratulations. You just... had... a lizard." I mean, because the thing changed colors like, five times!
Bill Cosby: My mother said to me: "When your father gets home, he's going to shoot you in the face with a bazooka! And I'm not going to stop him this time! He's always wanted to kill you! When you were born, he said, "Kill it!"
Bill Cosby: Then there's cocaine ... Audience Member: Yeoow! Bill Cosby: There you go!
Bill Cosby: The wierdest thing about drugs is that people on it start to laugh, and no one knows what their laughing at, they just go: "Ahh... no wait a minute... I went over to the... WHOOO!... Ahh... I went over to the Burger King... and so a guy took a piece of meat... and threw it on the grill... I said 'Oh Wow!'... then he turned it over... it was all brown!... I said 'far out!'... and then he put it in between two pieces of bread... I said 'Oh, no!' and a guy ate it."