Bewitched
2005
(from trailer) Jack Wyatt: How would you like to be on a television show? Isabel Bigelow: An actress? (scoffs) Jack Wyatt: Yeah, if *I* can act, *you* can act. Book Soup Cafe Waitress: Amen. Jack Wyatt: (to girl) You know what? I think those people over there just finished their plate of hummus.
(from trailer) Isabel Bigelow: I am through with just snapping my fingers and getting my way. Coffee Shop Waitress: Uh, no breakfast after 11. Isabel Bigelow: Oh. (snaps fingers and clock turns back from 11 to 10: 55) My absolutely last thing!
(from trailer) Maria Kelly: I love that show! Is that the one with the genie?
(from trailer) Isabel Bigelow: Guess what? I'm a witch! Jack Wyatt: Guess what? I'm a Clippers fan!
(Isabel changes a tarot card into a Visa Platinum Card to pay at Bed, Bath, and Beyond) Isabel Bigelow: That was my last thing as a witch!
Jack Wyatt: Your home... is with me.
Uncle Arthur: Run, you idiot.
Uncle Arthur: Do you want the long version or the short version? And I have to warn you, the long version is in Aramaic.
Jack Wyatt: (takes a drink of something Uncle Arthur has just made in the blender) This tastes awful! Uncle Arthur: I know. I just like to blend.
Jack Wyatt: (upon discovering Isabel is a witch) Am I gonna get pregnant? Because I cannot get pregnant right now!
Isabel Bigelow: But everyone loves duck... Jack Wyatt: No, they don't!
Isabel Bigelow: (jumping up and down in excitement with Maria) I don't know why we're doing this, but it's fun!!
Isabel Bigelow: (after Darin's dog jumps into her arms) Thank God you didn't have a great Dane!
Isabel Bigelow: (Jack Wyatt is being a jerk on "Inside the Actor's Studio." Isabel gets on the phone with Nina.) Yes, I'm watching it. What's a "dick?"
Isabel Bigelow: (Isabel rewinds time to undo a hex that was put on Jack and ends up back to where she was on the phone with Nina while watching Jack on "Inside the Actor's Studio.") Yes, I'm watching it, and you're right, he is a great big male reproductive organ!
Ritchie: Will you stop it? You're being the mayor of Pussytown! Jack Wyatt: I don't want to be the mayor of Pussytown! Ritchie: I want you to get out there and be the sheriff of Ballsville!
Valet: (to Isabel, who is trying to convince Jack that she is actually a witch) Miss, could you direct me to your car. Jack Wyatt: (sarcastically) Oh, she doesn't need a car, she has a broomstick.
Maria Kelly: When my first husband left me I was so angry I wanted to cut his brake cables... but instead we ended up having sex on the elliptical machine.
Jack Wyatt: Endora, you rancid fruit bag, get out of my room.
Jack Wyatt: Let's make love in a hot-air balloon - let's make love in a candy factory - let's make love in a petting zoo- Isabel Bigelow: I have to undo this... Jack Wyatt: Let's make love at Sea World on the back of a killer whale!
Jack Wyatt: I'm going to be killed by a fictional character! Uncle Arthur: Yes, you are.
Girl: (Nigel Bigelow does a double take at a pretty girl) Hey there! I have Hepatitis C!
Ritchie: That's it. You're fired. Isabel Bigelow: Doesn't matter... I quit! Yeah, so you better call my agent. Jim Fields: You don't have an agent. Isabel Bigelow: Then call my cable man!
Isabel Bigelow: You're sweating again - I love it when you sweat!
Isabel Bigelow: (after quitting/being fired) I can't just walk back in there now. Jack Wyatt: Once you show up in a golf cart, believe me, all is forgiven. I've done it a lot of times.
Jack Wyatt: Watch the road! Uncle Arthur: Hey, is it Porsche, or Porsha?
Jack Wyatt: (reading a comment on his performance) I'm a tool? Ritchie: Yeah, but a good tool. Like a jack-saw!