Best Week Ever

2004

Paul Scheer: (on Tim Burton's "The Corpse Bride") Here's a little fact - that's actually Johnny Depp, not claymation. He's that good.

Christian Finnegan: If you bought the soundtrack to the motion picture Ray, what you're saying about yourself is, "I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and pretend I've been a lifelong Ray Charles fan."

(Michael Colton is pretending to have a heart attack) John Aboud: Oh no! Someone phunked with his heart!

Sherrod Small: You see the trailer for King Kong? King Kong is small. King Kong is like, 5'10". I like my King Kong big. I like my Donkey Kong small and my King Kong big. I'm old school.

John Aboud: That ho could suck the sheet off a ghost.

(talking about Hermione Granger) Doug Benson: She puts the "bra" in abracadabra.

(talking about TV drinking games and Celebrity Fit Club) Chris Jericho: I like to take a drink every time Gary Busey says something absolutely fucking insane.

(on the second season of Desperate Housewives) Greg Fitzsimmons: I was pretty much done with Desperate Housewives. The men have all been castrated. The women have all been neutered, but all of a sudden we got a black guy locked up in the basement. Hey, hey! TiVo alert!

(on the Unicef public service announcement featuring the Smurfs) Christian Finnegan: The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.

(talking about a documentary featuring Albert Einstein) Christian Finnegan: This documentary is so sexy, it puts the sex back in quantum phy-sex.

Doug Benson: Einstein used science to get laid. That guy is a genius! I've been using money.

Michael Colton: The Lost fans are so thorough. If they could only start investigating al-Qaeda, we'd find Bin Laden in like two hours.

(talking about Lost fans posting theories on the internet) Greg Fitzsimmons: It's really helpful to the writers, because they go online and they take the theories and put them into the script, because they've run out of stuff.

John Aboud: Our government couldn't govern its way out of a paper bag. Oprah just cuts through all the Oprah tape and gets it done.

Greg Fitzsimmons: If Oprah wants to catch more child molesters, try giving a shoutout on the Jerry Springer show. You'll nab like twenty of them right in the audience.

Michael Colton: There's nothing Oprah can't do. Remember that budget deficit? You don't hear about that any more. John Aboud: Gone. Michael Colton: She took care of it. John Aboud: It got Oprah-fied. Michael Colton: Like a third of her salary.

Doug Benson: Daniel Craig is having the best week ever and I don't even know who the fuck he is!

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