Beetle Juice
1988
Otho: Don't mind her. She's still upset because somebody dropped a house on her sister.
Otho: Ugh. Deliver me from L.L. Bean.
Charles: And look at that kitchen. You're finally going to be able to cook a decent meal.
(Evaluating her new home) Delia: A little gasoline... blowtorch... no problem.
Adam: Barb, honey... we're dead. I don't think we have very much to worry about anymore.
Barbara: We're very unhappy. Juno: What did you expect? You're dead.
(Adam and Barbara struggle to understand the HANDBOOK FOR THE RECENTLY DECEASED) Barbara: Just... can you give me the basics? Adam: Well, this book isn't arranged that way. What do you want to know? Barbara: Well... why did you disappear when you stepped off the porch? Are we halfway to heaven? Are we halfway to hell... ? How long is this gonna last? Adam: I don't see anything about heaven OR hell. This book reads like stereo instructions. Listen to this: "Geographical and temporal perimeters. Functional perimeters vary from manifestation to manifestation. (Snaps book shut) Oh, this is gonna take some time, honey.
Adam: We're not completely helpless, Barbara. I've been reading that book and there's a word for people in our situation: ghosts.
(On Adam's and Barbara's attempts to haunt their old house) Juno: I heard. Tore your faces right off. It obviously doesn't do any good to pull your heads off in front of people if they can't see you.
(On the new house) Lydia: Delia hates it. (sees a HUGE spider on a web) I could live here.
Betelgeuse: Go ahead... make my millenium.
Betelgeuse: Let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose.
Adam: What are your qualifications? Betelgeuse: Ah. Well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT... NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY... NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I'm qualified?
(Why he can't tell Lydia his name) Betelgeuse: Because if I tell you, you tell your friends... your friends are callin' me on the horn all the time... and I gotta show up at shopping centers for openings and sign autographs and shit like that and it makes my life a HELL. OK? A living HELL.
(In the afterlife waiting room) Clerk: Number fifty-four million six hundred and one... Ferndoch.
Lydia: Maybe YOU can relax in a haunted house, but I can't.
Juno: We cannot have a routine haunting like yours provide proof that there is existence beyond death.
Delia: Lydia, I have a chance to teach you something here. You have got to take the upper hand in all situations or people, whether they're dead or alive, will walk all over you.
(about the house) Otho: There's absolutely no organic flowthrough. Delia: I noticed that too; it's like a giant... ant farm.
Delia: I will live with you in this hellhole, but I must express myself. If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I will go insane and I will take you with me.
Delia: If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I will go insane and I will take you with me!
Lydia: (Lydia is writing a suicide note) I am alone. (erases and starts over) I am *utterly* alone.
Lydia: They don't want to come down. Otho: Why not? Lydia: I think the reason is that they were trying to scare you away, and you didn't get scared. Delia: Please, they're dead. It's a little late to be neurotic.
Lydia: My life is a dark room. One big dark room.
Lydia: I myself am... strange and unusual.
Betelgeuse: I'm the ghost with the most, babe.
Otho: What happened to the people who lived here? Delia: Oh, they died. Hey, look, an indoor outhouse.
Barbara: I don't get it, I mean where all the other dead people in the world? Adam: Maybe this is heaven. Barbara: In heaven there wouldn't be dust everywhere.
(In the waiting room of the afterlife) Barbara: Adam, is this what happens when you die? Receptionist: That is what happens when you die, that is what happens when he dies (pointing to charred man, woman cut in half, etc) and that is what happens when they die. It's all very personal. And I'll tell you something; if I knew then what I know now (shows her slit wrists) I wouldn't have had my little accident.
Delia: (talking to a workman) If you tell me what you do I'll tell you why my husband will fire you.
Betelgeuse: Nice fuckin' model.
Delia: Open this door you dead people or we'll bust it down and drag you out by the ropes you hanged yourselves with! Lydia: They didn't commit suicide!
Betelgeuse: We've come for your daughter Chuck.
Betelgeuse: It's showtime.
Lydia: You can't scare her, she's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight.
Bernard: Delia, you are a flake. You have always been a flake. If you insist on frightening people, do it with your sculpture.
Beryl: Paranormal? Is that what they're calling your kind these days?
Preacher: Do you Betel... Betelgeuse: Ah, Ah, Ah... Nobody says the "B" word!
(In the waiting room, Betelgeuse is sitting next to a witch doctor, who is next in line) Betelgeuse: How ya doin'? Did you do that? (points to explorer with shrunken head) That's good work. Let me ask you something. How do you get them so sma... Hey, there goes Elvis! Yo, King! (as the doctor looks away, Betelgeuse switches numbers) Betelgeuse: Well, guess I'm next. 'Bout time, too. I have a photo shoot with GQ in about an hour and a half. They've been trying to get me for weeks. Some underware thing or something... (the witch doctor sprinkles some powder on Betelgeuse's head; it starts shrinking) Betelgeuse: (voice getting higher as head gets smaller) Hey! What are you doing? C'mon, you're messing up my hair! Whoa! Whoa! Stop it! *Whoa!*... Hey, this might be a good look for me.
Juno: (to the football players) I am not your coach! He survived!
Betelgeuse: Let's see, business section... (he flips to the obituary page of a newspaper) Ah, what do we have here? The Maitlands. Cute couple. Look nice and stupid.
Betelgeuse: These aren't my rules. Come to think of it, I don't have any rules.
Betelgeuse: Not so fast, round boy. We're gonna have some laughs. (he plants a kiss on Otho)
Dumb Football Player: (the football players have re-entered Juno's office) Hey... coach? Juno: What? Dumb Football Player: (looking disturbed) I don't think we survived that crash... Juno: (sarcastically) How did you guess?
Lydia: Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse, (shouts) Betelgeuse!