Bedazzled
2000
Elliot Richards: Damn the Devil! Damn the Devil to Hell!
(reading Elliot the contract) The Devil: Paragraph one states that I, the Devil, a not-for-profit organization, with offices in Purgatory, Hell, and Los Angeles, will give you seven wishes to use as you see fit. Elliot Richards: Seven? Why not eight? The Devil: Why not SIX? I don't know. Seven just sounds right.
The Devil: Seven utterly fabulous wishes for one piddling, little soul?
(Reading the Devil's contract) Elliot Richards: "I, Elliot Richards, hereafter known as the Damned" - the Damned? The Devil: How about "the Darned," sound better?
Elliot Richards: I wish to be the world's most sensitive man. No, wait - the world's most emotionally sensitive man. The Devil: Damn. Coulda had a lot of fun with that one.
Elliot Richards: I wish that I were the most sensitive man in the world. The Devil: (Smiling) Okay, good... Elliot Richards: Oh, wait! I wish I were the most EMOTIONALLY sensitive man in the world. The Devil: Damn. I was hoping you wouldn't catch that. I could've had a lot of fun with that one.
The Devil: How would you like to make one simple decision that will change your life forever? Elliot Richards: Ok, I'm glad scientology works for you but...
Elliot Richards: You are so bad! The Devil: I know. I've been really naughty, haven't I? Perhaps a good spanking's in order? Elliot Richards: Is that all you ever think about? Is that all life is to you, sex, sex, sex? The Devil: Of course not! There's greed, gluttony, sloth, vanity, anger, envy...
The Devil: I am the Devil! Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub, the Prince of Darkness! Well, the Princ-ess, anyway...
Elliot Richards: This is breaking and entering! The Devil: I know! It's fun, isn't it?
(Elliot and the Devil have broken into Alison's bedroom) Elliot Richards: (shocked) This is breaking and entering! The Devil: I know. Fun, isn't it?
Elliot Richards: No! That's not fair. The Devil: Fair? Who do you think you're talking to? I don't recall anybody accusing me of being fair before. I'm insulted.
McDonalds Employee: Welcome to McDonalds. What can I get you? The Devil: A Big Mac and a large Coke. McDonalds Employee: Fries? The Devil: No. McDonalds Employee: It comes to $3.47. The Devil: (to Elliot) Do you have $3.47? I left my purse in the Underworld.
The Devil: Your soul is like your appendix. You never use it. Elliot Richards: Oh yeah? If it's so useless, how come you want it so bad? The Devil: Oh, aren't you a clever one?
The Devil: Did your parents just make me up so you'd be a good boy?
The Devil: You know, you'd think that meeting the Devil would be interesting enough but no. All people want to know about is Him. Like He's so bloody fascinating! Elliot Richards: So He's a man? The Devil: Yeah, most men think they're God, this one just happens to be right.
Elliot Richards: I'm starting to think women don't know what they want. The Devil: Amen!
(When he realizes what his first wish has turned him into) Elliot Richards: (in Spanish) Oh, shit, I'm a Colombian drug lord.
Elliot Richards: My soul? You want me to give you my SOUL? The Devil: What are you, James Brown?
The Devil: My life is a living hell!
The Devil: You're so nervous, Elliot. Elliot Richards: How do you know my name? The Devil: I'm psychic. Plus it's on your name tag.
Elliot Richards: Ah... well, you go out there and you give a 110%, and you wanna play good, and... you know... you hope you play good... I think we played pretty good tonight!
The Devil: It's not easy being the Barbra Streisand of Evil.
Elliot's Cellmate: So how long are you in here for? Elliot Richards: Eternity. Elliot's Cellmate: Damn, that's bad.
Elliot Richards: (holding Big Mac and Coke) *This* is the work of the devil?
Jerry: (as Lance) And I'm Tony Danza!
(Elliot is trying to prove he isn't gay) Jerry: (as Lance) This is so sad! Elliot Richards: You shut up, bitch!
(to the Devil) Elliot Richards: I think somebody has had tee many martoonis.
(singing to Alison as sensitive guy) Elliot Richards: Mayo-nayo-naise. Swimming by the sandy shore, dancing up among the waves, dolphin, dolphin I adore everything you are. You're so much more than a fish to me, my playful friend beneath the sea. (making dolphin noise) ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee.
(after the Devil shows up on Elliot's computer screen) Elliot Richards: What are you doing here? The Devil: Just think of me as a computer virus. Elliot Richards: I think of you as a PLAGUE!
(being hauled away by policemen) Elliot Richards: I'm telling you, the Devil gypped me for a HAMBURGER!
Elliot Richards: I'm gay. Well, thanks for dropping by.
Elliot Richards: I think I'll call you a cab... Although I think it'll be hard to find one that goes to HELL this time of night! The Devil: OOOOOOh. What a delightfully piquant wit.
The Devil: I'm not all peaches and cream, you know. I have a darker side, and believe me, it's not pretty.
The Devil: Now listen here, you disgusting little maggot. This is your last chance before the big wienie roast. Make a wish or forever burn in hell!
The Devil: I wasn't kidding when I said I liked you... (kisses his ear)
Elliot Richards: (as the basketball player) We worked as a team... we played good, and it was all good and i think we did pretty good, you know we need to give 110% of ourselves.