Selina Kyle: Wow, THE Batman - or is it just "Batman"? It's your choice, of course!
(Addressing a huge flock of penguins) The Penguin: My dear penguins, we stand upon a great threshold! It's alright to be scared; most of you won't be coming back. But, thanks to Batman, the time has come to punish ALL of God's children! 1st, 2nd, 3rd AND 4th-born! Why be biased? Male and female! Hell, the sexes are equal with their erogenous zones BLOWN SKY HIGH! FORWARD MARCH! THE LIBERATION OF GOTHAM HAS BEGUN!
The Penguin: Touring the riot scene. Gravely assessing the devastation. Upstanding mayor stuff.
The Penguin: It's true I was their number one son... but they treated me like number two!
Henchman: Penguin... killing sleeping children. Isn't it that a little ah... (Penguin grabs an umbrella and shoots Henchman dead) The Penguin: No! It's a lot! (Kicks Henchman into the water)
The Penguin: But when it comes down to it, who is holding the umbrella?
Catwoman: I am Catwoman. Hear me roar.
The Penguin: I believe the word you are looking for is "Aaahh"!
Catwoman: Honey, I'm home. Oh, I forgot. I'm not married.
The Penguin: You're just jealous because I'm a genuine freak and you have to wear a mask.
The Penguin: I am NOT a human being, I am an animal!
Batman: Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it. Catwoman: A kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it.
Selina Kyle: A kiss under the mistle toe... a mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it. Bruce Wayne: But a kiss can be even deadlier if you mean it.
Catwoman: I don't know about you, Miss Kitty, but I feel so much... yummier.
Selina Kyle: Did somebody say fish? I haven't be fed all day! Batman: Eat floor. (Throws Catwoman down) Batman: High fiber.
The Penguin: You got to admit I've played this stinking city like a harp from hell.
The Penguin: (to Catwoman) Just the pussy I was looking for!
The Penguin: (to Catwoman) You're beauty and beast.
Batman: You're not the mayor. The Penguin: Things change. Batman: What do you want? The Penguin: Ah, the direct approach. I admire that from a man with a mask. (laughs, then turns serious) The Penguin: You don't really think you'll win, do you? Batman: Things change.
Charles 'Chip' Shreck: Dad, you buy that blear business? Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Women. Nothing surprises me Chip, except your late mother. Who'da thought Selina had a brain to damage. Bottom line, she tries to blackmail me, I'll drop her out a higher window. Meantime, I got better fish to fry.
Selina Kyle: How can you be so mean to someone so meaningless?
Selina Kyle: It's the so-called "normal" guys that always let you down. Sickos never scare me. At least they're committed.
The Penguin: They wouldn't put me on a pedestal, so I'm layin' them out on a slab!
Bruce Wayne: Merry Christmas, Alfred. Good will towards men... and women.
The Penguin: Just relax. I'll take care of the squealing, wretched, pinhead puppets of Gotham!
Selina Kyle: Ok, Intimidate me, bully me if it makes you feel big. I mean it's not like you can just kill me... Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Actually, it's a lot like that.
(seeing Bruce Wayne in a tuxedo at a masquerade party) Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Let me guess... trust fund goody-goody?
(Catwoman just knocked the guns out of two security guards' hands) Guard 2: Don't hurt us, lady. Our take-home is less than $300! Catwoman: You're overpaid.
Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Selina! Selina Kyle, you're fired! And Bruce Wayne, why are you dressed up like Batman? Catwoman: Because he *is* Batman, you moron! Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Was. (shoots Batman)
The Penguin: You don't really think you'll win... do you?
(Catwoman is hit) Catwoman: How could you? I'm a woman. Batman: I'm sorry, I... (Batman is hit) Catwoman: As I was saying, I'm a woman and can't be taken for granted. Life's a bitch, now so am I.
Ice Princess: The tree lights up, I press the button... No wait, I press the button and...
Volunteer Bimbo: You're the coolest role-model a young person could have! The Penguin: And you're the hottest young person a role-model could have.
The Penguin: Ah, shit, I grabbed a cute one. (discards umbrella)
The Penguin: The heat is getting to me, I'll kill you momentarily.
Catwoman: You're the second man who killed me this week. But I've got seven lives left.
Selina Kyle: Oh god... does this mean we have to start fighting now?
(the Batmobile is evading the police. Batman flips a switch on the control panel, and nothing happens) Batman: That's funny. (Flips switch again. Nothing happens) Batman: Alright, NOW I'm a little worried. (Slaps control panel; Batmobile morphs into the Batmissile)
The Penguin: You didn't invite me, so I CRASHED!
The Penguin: Check it out. We're going to disassemble the Batmobile - turn it into an H-bomb on wheels. Catwoman: No, he'd have even more power as a martyr. To destroy Batman, we have to turn him into what he hates the most. Namely us.
Alfred: Let's not forget the repair of the Batmobile. It's not like we can take it to any old "Joe's bodyshop, " now is it, sir? There's certain security to consider. Bruce Wayne: Security? Who let Vicki Vale into the Batcave? I'm sitting there working; I turn around, there she is. "Oh hi, Vick - come on in."
The Penguin: Burn baby, burn!
Catwoman: Not even in office yet and already an enemies list, hmm? The Penguin: Those names aren't for prying eyes. Say, why should I trust some cat-broad, anyway? Maybe you're just some screwed-up sorority chick who's trying to get back at her daddy for not buying her that pony when she turned sweet sixteen.
(plotting against Batman) Catwoman: Batman napalmed my arm, and knocked me off a building just when i was starting to feel good about myself. I want to play an integral part in his degradation. The Penguin: A plan is forming. Catwoman: I want in. The thought of busting Batman makes me feel all... dirty. I think I'll give myself a bath right here. (licks herself in a cat-like manner)
Commissioner Gordon: Thanks for the saving the day, Batman. I'm afraid the circus gang is back. Batman: We'll see.
Selina Kyle: It's gonna be a hot time in a cold town tonight. Bruce Wayne: You've got sort of a dark side, don't you? Selina Kyle: No darker than yours, Bruce.
The Penguin: (to a crowd of voters) I may have saved the mayor's baby, but I refuse to save a mayor who stood by helpless AS A BABY, while Gotham City was ravaged by a disease. A disease that turned eagle scouts into crazed clowns and happy homemakers into catwomen!
(crouched atop a dazed Batman) Catwoman: You're catnip to a girl like me. Handsome, dazed, and to die for. Your the sencond man who killed me this week, but I've got 7 lives left. Batman: I tried to save you. Catwoman: Mmm seems like every woman you try to save winds up dead... or deeply resentful. Maybe it's time for you to retire.
Catwoman: We need to talk. You see, you and I have something in common. The Penguin: Sounds familiar. Appetite for destruction? Contempt for the czars of fashion? Wait, don't tell me... naked sexual charisma. Catwoman: Batman. The thorn in both our sides. The fly in our ointment. The Penguin: Ointment! Scented or unscented?
Bruce Wayne: The point is, Max, Gotham City has a power surplus. I'm sure you know that. My question is: what's your angle? Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Power surplus? Bruce, shame on you. No such thing. One can never have too much power. If my life has a meaning, that's demeaning. Bruce Wayne: Yeah, well... I'm gonna fight you on this. I've already spoken to the mayor and we see eye to eye. Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Mayors come and go. Blue bloods tire easy. You think you can go fifteen rounds with Muhammed Shreck? Bruce Wayne: I guess we're about to find out. Of course, I don't have a crime boss like Cobblepot in my corner, so... Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Crime boss? Shows what you know, mister... to the man born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Oswald is Gotham's new golden boy. If his parents hadn't eighty-sixed him, you two might've been bunkies in prep school!
The Penguin: By the way, how's Fred Atkins, your old partner? Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Fred? I believe he's... on extended vacation. He's good. The Penguin: Good? (Penguin takes out a severed hand) The Penguin: Hi, Max! Remember me? I'm Fred's hand! You wanna greet any other body parts? Remember, Max. You flush it. I flaunt it.
Catwoman: Please. I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.
Catwoman: Oh... I would love to live with you in your castle forever... like in a fairy tale... (Batman caresses the back of her head) Catwoman: (she claws Batman on the cheek) But I just couldn't live with myself, so don't pretend this is a happy ending!
The Penguin: Bats with wings do your thing.
(Shreck shoots Batman) Selina Kyle: You killed me... The Penguin killed me... Batman killed me... That's seven lives left. You got enough to finish me off? Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: There's only one way to find out. (Shreck fires two shots at Catwoman) Selina Kyle: Four... Five... Still alive! (Catwoman cracks her whip and Shreck fires two more) Selina Kyle: Six... Seven... All good girls go to heaven... (she is now within reaching distance of Shreck, he pulls the trigger at her stomach, she gasps, but there are no bullets left. She then laughs hysterically) Selina Kyle: I think I'm going to save one for next Christmas... In the mean time, how 'bout a kiss Anti Claus... (Grabs hold of a power cable and moves towards Shreck with a stun gun and a kiss)
Catwoman: (after Max shreck shoots her twice) Four, five still alive! Catwoman: (he shoots her twice again) Six, Seven all good girls go to heaven
The Penguin: Actually, this is all just a bad dream. You're at home, in bed, heavily sedated, resting comfortably, dying from the carcinogens you personally spewed in a lifetime of profiteering. Tragic irony or poetic justice, you tell me.
The Penguin: Why does somebody always bring eggs and tomatoes to a speech.
The Penguin: What you hide, I discover. What you put in your toilet, I place on my mantle. Get the picture?
The Penguin: (spinning an umbrella with hypnotic swirls painted on) What you hide, I discover. What you put in your toilet, I place on my mantle. Get the picture? Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: What's that supposed to do? Hypnotize me? The Penguin: No, just give you a splitting headache. Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Well, it isn't working. The Penguin: (shoots Max) Ah, you big baby, just blanks.
Alfred: Why are you still up? Are you concerned about that strange, heroic Penguin person? Batman: I think he knows who his parents are. There's something else.
Catwoman: (falling into an open gravel filled truck) Saved by kitty litter. How humiliating.
Bruce Wayne: You know what, I mistook me for someone else.
Bruce Wayne: (notices Selina's injuries) What happened? Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Did you injure yourself on that ski slope? Is that why you cut short your vacation and came back? Selina Kyle: You know, it's... a blur. I mean, not complete amnesia. I-I-I remember Sister Mary Margaret puking in church and Betsy Riley saying it was morning sickness and I remember the time when I forgot to wear my underpants to school and the name of the boy who noticed was Ricky Friedberg. (smile vanishes) He's dead now. But last night... complete blur. Couldn't you just die?
Jen: Research tells us that it's people like mayors that have hands.
The Penguin: It could be worse! My nose could be gushing blood! (they all begin to laugh hysterically) Josh: Wait a minute, what do you mean it could be worse... ? (Penguin bites Josh's nose and it gushes blood) Jen: Oh, my God!
The Penguin: (on the Batmobile's TV screen) Don't adjust your sets. Welcome to the Oswald Cobblepot school of driving. Gentlemen, start your screaming!
Alfred: Why are you now determined to prove that this Penguin is not what he seems? Must you be the only lonely man-beast in town?