Barney Miller
1975
Detective Ron Harris: Barney, his wife has decided not to press charges, so I let him go after giving him that spiel you always give about "not losing one's perspective." Captain Barney Miller: I'm... flattered that you chose to use it. Detective Ron Harris: Well, I thought it oughta be in the public domain *by now*...
Yemana: Then Fish runs in the alley and he leaps over us like one of those, what do you call those things in Africa that run and leap in the air? Detective Ron Harris: Slaves.
Detective Ron Harris: Hey Fish, does it hurt when those stones come out? Fish: It can't be too bad. The doctor says it's like giving birth.
Dietrich: Was that Mrs Miller? Barney Miller: Yeah. Dietrich: Past tense was unintentional.
Barney Miller: That's not the way we operate around here. We do everything by the book, according to regulations, above board. Del Veccio: I believe you. Barney Miller: You don't look like you do. Del Veccio: It's my face. I mean this face doesn't look like it trusts anybody. When I proposed to my wife, she thought I was joking. This face is a curse.
Barney Miller: What happened Levitt? Levitt: I talked it over with a couple of doctors and they said 'forget it'. Barney Miller: Incurable, hunh? Levitt: Yes sir. Five six and a half, that's it.
Fish: The doctor said he was very lucky, the bullet just grazed him. Barney Miller: Where'd she hit him? Fish: In the inseam.
Rhonda Haleck: My old man took me to ball game once when I was a kid. I think we saw the Mets and the Cubs. Wojo: Oh yeah, that's always a good game. Rhonda Haleck: He got me a little pennant, a hot dog and a beer. We had really great seats. Wojo: Sounds like your dad was a nice guy. Rhonda Haleck: He was a mugger. Some guy he rolled had season tickets. Halfway through the game, a cop showed up. Dragged us both out of there. Wojo: Oh. Rhonda Haleck: Wanna hear about the puppy I got for Christmas?
Bernice Fish: You've got your whole life ahead of you. What do you need that for? Drug User: Because I got my whole life ahead of me.
Bernice Fish: If you wanted a massage, why didn't you ask me? Phil Fish: Bernice, haven't I always told you that you rub me the wrong way?
Gardeno: I just wanna do my job. I don't wanna shave. Barney Miller: What's the matter, you got a skin condition? Gardeno: If necessary. Barney Miller: And the earring? Gardeno: I'm engaged. Barney Miller: You go home, shave, put on a clean shirt, break your engagement, and report back to me. Gardeno: What about my transfer? Barney Miller: What the hell for? They'll just send you to somebody who's not nearly as sweet as I am.
Barney Miller: (Just as he walks in the door, a gun is pointed at his face) I hate starting the day off like this.
Barney Miller: What's the weather like? Elizabeth Miller: It's brown. Barney Miller: Is it raining? Elizabeth Miller: Something is coming down but it isn't rain. I think it's a new plague. Isn't it nice? Barney Miller: A little brown weather is normal for New York at this time of year. When it gets colder, we can look forward to a tan Christmas.
Barney Miller: David, there's two and a half million dollars worth of toys in this house; why do you always have to play with the gun?
(a man and a woman have to share the holding cell) Harriet Shulton: Did you kill your wife? Henry St. Martin: (whispering) Yes, but they don't know about that, yet.
Captain Barney Miller: Take Officer LEVITT with you. Insp. Frank Luger: Hunh? Okay. Let's go Levine. (Levitt rolls his eys and joins him)
(Barney and Wojo are using the phone at the same time while stading right next to each other) Captain Barney Miller: Hello? Hello? Wojo: Hello? Captain Barney Miller: Hello, bomb disposal? Wojo: No, this is Wojciehowitz. Captain Barney Miller: Get off the line. I'm trying to reach Bomb Disposal. Wojo: Who's this? Captain Barney Miller: Barney! Wojo: Oh, hey, Barn, how's it going? Captain Barney Miller: GET OFF THE LINE!
Captain Barney Miller: Arrest the first naked guy you see with a dirty mouth.
Marty: If you want real police brutaity, wait until I tell you what they served me for lunch.
Drug User: Hey mother, you're not gonna leave me here, are you? Bernice Fish: I'm not your mother. Drug User: You sure you ain't got a son? Bernice Fish: I'm sure. Drug User: You wanna buy one? Don't leave me, mother! (Bernice exits) That mother left me.
Gardeno: (after Barney asked him to shave off his large beard) Cute, ain't I? Clean cut. Charming. Now when I bust some punk in the street and I say, "Freeze! I'm a police officer", he's gonna look at me and laugh, and say "Ha ha ha, look at that kid". Then he'll pull out a piece and blow my keister off. Barney Miller: Don't be ridiculous. Gardeno: Freeze! I'm a police officer. Yemana: Ha ha ha.
Elizabeth Miller: Here's a brochure from our travel agent about crossing on the S.S. France. It costs about $4,000 one way. Now, these are the three best hotels in Paris: Plaza Acadé, the Bristol and the Creon. The villa into the south of France costs $1,250 a week. Then we fly back to Paris and then back to New York. That makes the whole thing cost $26,000 for six weeks. Can we afford it? Barney Miller: No. Elizabeth Miller: Okay. (tosses brochure in the garbage) How about taking me to lunch? Barney Miller: You didn't have to go through all that just to get me to take you to lunch. Elizabeth Miller: I thought you would be more excited about the idea if you thought I saved you $26,000.
Barney Miller: I'll go with you myself. Det. Janice Wentworth: Please, Captain Miller? You're gonna have to let me go some time. Barney Miller: What do you say, Fish? Fish: I'd like to, Barney, but it would kill Bernice if she found out I died in the company of another woman. Elizabeth Miller: Phil, that is just terrible! Fish: Okay, Wentworth, come on. But I'M driving.
Yemana: (answers phone) 12th Precinct, Sgt. Yemana. Yes, sir. A stolen car? What kind of car, Mr Ravolli? "Studebaker". Could you describe the car, please? "Black fenders", "Silver doors", "Green hood", "Polka dot seat covers", "Monkey fur dashboard". Maybe it wasn't stolen. Maybe it ran away... Mr Ravolli?
Yemana: (eating Chinese take out with pencils) Just call your insurance company. Yes. Don't mention it. (hangs up phone) Oh my God. I ate my eraser.
Captain Barney Miller: (discovering that the squadroom has been vandalized, Barney reads graffiti spray-painted in the hallway) "Captain Miller is a dirty m... " Ha, ha, ha, marvelous.
Fish: (Fish is depressed over his age) When Wilson and I were chasing that kid... Do you know what it feels like to be running down 43rd Street, and your partner is cornering a guy on 52nd? Do you how I found out what happened? I asked a reporter! *Four* radio stations beat me to the scene of the crime!
Captain Barney Miller: (while getting ready for a stakeout) Fish, we're going to have to draw special weapons. Wojo: (Extremely excited about being allowed to go on his first stakeout) Hey, let me do it! I'll go down to the armoury. Let's see, what do we need? Shotguns! Tear gas! Gas masks! (He leaves the squadroom to go draw the weapons) Fish: (Observing Wojo's enthusiam about the weapons) Nice boy. Captain Barney Miller: It takes so little to make him happy.
Wojo: (arriving at stakeout location, carrying cases of equipment) Hey Barn! I got everything we need! I got 10-guage shotguns, 12-guage shotguns, tow phone, and (opens largest case) tear gas! Captain Barney Miller: Did you bring a chair? Wojo: Chair? Captain Barney Miller: (gestures to empty apartment) There's no place to sit down. Wojo: Ooh, sorry. Captain Barney Miller: (looks into equipment case) I see you brought grenades too, huh? Wojo: Just a thought. Captain Barney Miller: If we don't use all this stuff, you're not going to feel bad, are you? Wojo: (hangs head) No.
Captain Barney Miller: (Barney is trying to convince Fish that he's not too old to be a cop anymore) Fish, I think of you as experienced. In an emergency you would be the first one I would call. Fish: You should call me first... I need time to put my teeth in.
Captain Barney Miller: So Dietrich, big plans for the weekend? Dietrich: No, I'm staying home. I've gotten involved in the New Celibacy Movement. Captain Barney Miller: Oh, Yeah?. what's that? Dietrich: Its a movement for people who are fed up with the whole shallow dating scene. Captain Barney Miller: Couldn't get a date, huh? Dietrich: Not a single one.
(Nick is talking to Internal Affairs) Yemana: I'm not Chinese, you know. Captain William Donnelly: That doesn't matter, Detective. Yemana: Now it doesn't matter; but in 1942...
Barney Miller: (searching the files for a bombing suspect) Who else you got? Yemana: (looks at file folder) Sheldon "Boom-Boom" Hockster. Barney Miller: "Boom-Boom"? Yemana: You'd be amazed at how many of these guys are named "Boom-Boom".
Detective Wilson: (Fish runs back into the squad room) Hey, where is everybody? Fish: Wilson, get out of here! There's a bomb in the building! Marty: (locked in the cage) Oh, Mother in heaven! Arnold Ripner: Goodbye, Marty. Marty: Arnold, don't you dare leave me here! Fish: (indicates Marty) Wilson, get him out of here! Arnold Ripner: If you ever catch the lunatic who did this (hands Wilson his business card) tell him to call me. (runs out) Marty: Hurry and open this door. Detective Wilson: (frantically searches) I'm looking for the key. Fish: Nobody's answering the phone! I've got to cover the rest of the building! Detective Wilson: Go ahead! Hey... I got your case back! Fish: What case? Detective Wilson: Your briefcase, on the desk! Fish: Thanks! (runs out again) Marty: Aren't those the keys on the desk? (Wilson runs to get them) Fish: (slides back into the squad room and stares at the briefcase) Wilson... I don't own a briefcase. Detective Wilson: (stares at briefcase as it dawns on him) It ain't yours? Fish: No. Marty: Who cares whose case it is? Just get the door open! Fish: Wilson... the bomb is in the briefcase. Detective Wilson: Holy Mama! Marty: Oh, my God! Is it a big bomb? Detective Wilson: How the hell do I know? Fish: (looks at watch) It's two minutes to five! Marty: Fish, we've got to get rid of it!
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: (Kelly, from Internal Affairs is trying to stir up trouble) Hey, Barney, do you think Kelly's just a big mouth? Or, is he really going to try to make trouble? Barney Miller: I think Kelly is just a big mouth... who's really going to try to make trouble. Yemana: He's probably after me. Kelly's always had a thing about Orientals being on the police force. He says we screw up the look of the Saint Patrick's Day Parade.
Barney Miller: (sees Fish limping) What's the matter with your foot? Fish: Gout. Barney Miller: Rich cooking, huh? Fish: No. *Poor* cooking, but rich food.
Detective Ron Harris: (brings Mayflower, who's dressed in full pimp regalia into the Squad Room) Okay. Come on. Come on. Come on. Mr Mayflower: Hey, man, since when is it a crime to come to the defense of a lady and try and protect her honor? Since *when*? Detective Ron Harris: When you push her trick out of a second story window. Mr Mayflower: Don't tell *me* chivalry ain't dead!
Barney Miller: (after Chano and Fish return from a bank robbery and Chano is acting extremely strangely) What happened? Fish: Two armed men. One with a shotgun. One with a handgun. Shot a guard. Held six people hostage and threatened to kill them if we didn't let them go. It'd have gone on all day if *someone* didn't get inside. Barney Miller: Apparently someone did. Fish: Chano... killed both of them.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: (answers phone) 12th Precinct Detective, Sergeant Amanguale speaking. No, ma'am, I'm sorry but we can't trace them. There's very little we can do about obscene phone calls. No, ma'am. No, ma'am. Will you watch your language, please, ma'am? (hangs up phone) This is gonna drive me crazy. 26 calls in two weeks! (thinks about it) That's some dirty guy.
Inspector Kelly: (comes into the Squad Room dressed in a patrolman's uniform) Patrolman Kelly reporting for duty. Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: For an undercover cop, that's a pretty dumb disguise.
Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: (walks tiredly into the Squad Room) Good morning. Barney Miller: (looks at watch) You're late. Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I interviewed a *lot* of women last night that got dirty phone calls. I had to take down *all* of the conversations. I got names. I got addresses. I also got excited. (indicates notepads) Do you want me to type up these reports? Barney Miller: Maybe you'd better let Fish do it. Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: Good.You know, these guys that make dirty phone calls gotta be very lonely people. They spend so much time talking on the telephone they never get to meet anybody. Barney Miller: I wish he'd start writing dirty letters. Then the Post Office could worry about it.
Yemana: Mine's the sashimi and cream cheese on a bagel. Delivery Guy: You mean lox? Yemana: We had it first.