Bad News Bears
2005
Morris Buttermaker: You guys swing like Helen Keller at a piņata party.
Morris Buttermaker: Baseball's hard. You can love it but, believe me, it don't always love you back. It's kinda like dating a German chick.
Morris Buttermaker: (watching girls play softball) You know, in my life I thought I'd never say, "Look at the ass on that second baseman." But look at the ass on that second baseman.
Morris Buttermaker: If you get hurt, they can sue my ass so hard, they'll start garnishing my turds.
Tanner Boyle: (hearing a man reading "Casey at the Bat") What a fag!
Morris Buttermaker: (reading names off roster) Daragebrigadian? Is that Aztec? Garo Daragebrigadian: No, Armenian. Morris Buttermaker: Well, they both built pyramids.
Morris Buttermaker: Okay, Engelberg, this is a screwball. It's an old school thing. You gotta stand in there because it looks like it's gonna hit you, but it drops off the table.
Morris Buttermaker: It's 3 o'clock I gotta go. Lady With Rat Problem: What about the rats? Morris Buttermaker: Well, one thing is for damn sure, you got a shit load of rats down there.
Mike Engelberg: (Buttermaker falls down drunk) Is he dead? Prem Lahiri: No, he is drunk. Tanner Boyle: Screw this, man, I'm takin' his wallet.
Timothy Lupus: Sometimes bird poo tastes like candy.
Morris Buttermaker: Hey, Hooper what are you doing with that patch on your eye? Playing Pirate? Come to swab the deck, matey? Matthew Hooper: Mother says I have cancer of the eye.
Tanner Boyle: Great. First we have to play ball with a girl? What next? A cripple? Matthew Hooper: Hey! Tanner Boyle: Oops, I forgot!
Morris Buttermaker: Hey, Hooper, you wanna put that thing in fourth gear and get over here already?
Morris Buttermaker: This ain't no democracy, it's a dictatorship, and I'm Hitler!
Joey Bullock: Hey Bears, thanks for batting practice! Jimmy: You guys suck. Tanner Boyle: I'll show you batting practice!
Morris Buttermaker: Is that a baggy full of bacon? Mike Engelberg: I'm on Atkins!
Timothy Lupus: I heard he puts money under your bed at night when you lose a tooth. Tanner Boyle: That's the tooth fairy, you homo!
(to his team after losing the first game of the season) Morris Buttermaker: You guys look like the last shit I took.
Morris Buttermaker: Nice tits, Engelberg.
Morris Buttermaker: Now, my old coach used to say a tie is like kissing your sister, but the way we've been playing, it's more like kissing a really hot stepsister.