As Time Goes By
1992
Jean Mary Pargetter: Do the girls in the office really call me "crabapple"? Sandy: No, they stopped that. Jean Mary Pargetter: Oh, good. Sandy: They call you "iron-drawers" now.
Jean Mary Pargetter: If you repeat this, I shall say I was drunk, but I'm glad you're back in my life again. You are back in my life again, aren't you? Lionel Hardcastle: I seem to be, yes. Jean Mary Pargetter: Nice to have a friend. Lionel Hardcastle: Yes, it's nice to have a friend.
Lionel Hardcastle: What does "misc. conf." mean? Hotel Manager: Miscellaneous confectionary, sir. Lionel Hardcastle: I haven't eaten any confectionary. Hotel Manager: Hmm, perhaps something from the mini bar in your room? Lionel Hardcastle: I might have had some peanuts. Hotel Manager: That would be it. Lionel Hardcastle: Why doesn't it say "peanuts"? Peanuts aren't confectionary. Hotel Manager: Not strictly speaking, no. Lionel Hardcastle: Not even loosely speaking. Hotel Manager: No, put it this way, sir: We find itemization less complicated under broad headings. Lionel Hardcastle: I see. Well, if I'm ever unfortunate enough to eat here again, I won't order mixed vegetables in case I get a couple of Mars Bars thrown in.
(Talking about Alistair's fiancee, Mercury) Jean Mary Pargetter: I wonder what this Mercury is like. Lionel Hardcastle: I'm not sure I can bring myself to call anyone Mercury. Jean Mary Pargetter: Could be worse. She could be called British Telecom.
Waiter: (after Lionel and Judy have finished dinner) Did you enjoy that, madam? Sir? Lionel Hardcastle: Compared to pushing a pea up Vesuvius with my nose, it was a delightful experience.
Jean Mary Pargetter: I'm not very good at chit-chat. Lionel Hardcastle: I'm not even very good at "chit."
Sean: (about Lionel's book) You're not fiction, are you? Lionel Hardcastle: No, I'm a real person.
(the waiter has announced Alistair's order of champagne) Jean Mary Pargetter: What champagne? Alistair Deacon: The bottle in my room. Jean Mary Pargetter: You do have a thirst, don't you? Alistair Deacon: It's for us. Jean Mary Pargetter: In your room? Alistair Deacon: We can have it in your room, if you like. Jean Mary Pargetter: Look, Alistair, do I have to stamp "No" in big red letters on your forehead? Alistair Deacon: Whatever turns you on. Jean Mary Pargetter: Well, I'll tell you what turns me on at this time of night. It's a comfortable bed and a good book. Alistair Deacon: Okay, fine. What shall we read? Jean Mary Pargetter: You should be a salesman, not a publisher. Are you always like this? Alistair Deacon: Oh, no. Sometimes I'm really pushy.
Alistair Deacon: Hey look, you dropped a carrot! Jean Mary Pargetter: I didn't drop it, I threw it at Lionel.
Lionel Hardcastle: Where are the others? Sandy: Judith's gone out, and Jean's popped down to the corner shop. Lionel Hardcastle: What for? Sandy: To buy some corners, I suppose.
(Mike Barbosa enters and hands Jean some flowers) Mike Barbosa: Hello again, Jean, good to see you, welcome to Los Angeles, a small token, may I come in? Jean Mary Pargetter: Hello, you too, thank you, how kind, please do.
(at her wedding reception, Jean is talking to Madge and Penny) Madge Darbley: So what time do you and Lionel propose getting away from this mob? Jean Mary Pargetter: Oh, I don't know. About midnight, I suppose. (Lionel beckons Jean over) Jean Mary Pargetter: Excuse me. (She leaves) Penny: I'm not sure I like being described as a 'mob'. Madge Darbley: Well, if that's the worst you're ever described as, you're a very lucky woman!
Lionel Hardcastle: (trying to get him to write a second book, Jean walks Lionel through the first time they met) I saw you, and I stopped breathing. I really did. Jean Mary Pargetter: Aww Lionel Hardcastle: I started again, of course, or I would have died...
Jean Mary Pargetter: You're very confident. Alistair Deacon: Yes, I am. I can remember when I was about, oh, six months old. And I remember looking up into my little mirror with the red and yellow beads on it, and I remember saying to myself, "Face it. Alistair Deacon, you have a lot to be confident about."
Lionel Hardcastle: (to Jean) Rather funny, really. You get backache, I get cramp. And here we are, a couple of sex symbols.
Lionel Hardcastle: I once got kicked in the teeth by a mule. Jean Mary Pargetter: Where? Lionel Hardcastle: Korea. Jean Mary Pargetter: They look very good. Lionel Hardcastle: What do? Jean Mary Pargetter: The teeth. Lionel Hardcastle: These are my own! Jean Mary Pargetter: Oh, must have been a very puny mule. Lionel Hardcastle: All right, I embroidered. It nearly kicked me in the teeth. Jean Mary Pargetter: Were you wounded in Korea? Lionel Hardcastle: Only by the mule.
Waiter: (Lionel has a bare foot on the floor of the restaurant to stop his leg cramp) Did you enjoy the main course, madam? Judith 'Judy' Hanson: Yes, it was very nice. Waiter: Sir? Lionel Hardcastle: Extraordinary. (Waiter picks up Lionel's sock off the floor, and Lionel grabs it) You can see the results. It blew my sock and shoe off. Waiter: Yes, sir. Would you like dessert? Judith 'Judy' Hanson: Just coffee, I think. Lionel Hardcastle: Yes, just coffee. If the dessert is as outstanding as the rest of the meal, I could end up trouserless.
Lionel Hardcastle: (discussing guest lists for the wedding) How many on your list? Jean Mary Pargetter: 78. Lionel Hardcastle: How many? Jean Mary Pargetter: Well, it'll come down a bit. Lionel Hardcastle: Oh, really? Jean Mary Pargetter: You must be very careful not to leave anyone out, people can get very hurt. Lionel Hardcastle: Who *are* all these people? I mean, who for example is. Jean Mary Pargetter, Lionel Hardcastle: .Stanley Gilchrist Jean Mary Pargetter: He's my chiropodist. He's a sweet man and he hasn't had an easy life. Lionel Hardcastle: If that's the criteria that list is going to go up not down.
(repeated line) Rocky Hardcastle: Rock on!
Lionel Hardcastle: Unless you've forgotten, Shirley Temple's still asleep up there.
Jean Mary Pargetter: Excuse me, you said, "Can you tell me the way to Curzon Street?" Lionel Hardcastle: Pretty steamy opening gambit. Jean Mary Pargetter: Why did you want to go to Curzon Street? Lionel Hardcastle: I didn't. It was the first thing that came into my head.
Alistair Deacon: So Harry, when are you off to the land of the moose and the maple leaf? Harry: This afternoon. I just came to say goodbye really. (pause) No I didn't. Come on, Sandy. (grabs Sandy and marches out of the pub) Judith 'Judy' Hanson: Well, well, well. Alistair Deacon: Woof, woof, woof. Old Harry, eh? Wonder what got into him. Lionel Hardcastle: A bit of backbone. Judith 'Judy' Hanson: Not before time.
Sandy: Harry, will you stop frog marching me around? (Harry kisses her) Sandy: Oh. Harry: Sandy, I love you and I want you to marry me and come to Canada with me. Sandy: Oh. (shocked) Harry: I don't say enough. I mean to but I don't because it generally comes out wrong anyway. Sandy: Oh. (softly) Harry: (in a rush) When I found out about my attachment to Canada, you were the first person I told. And you know what I wanted? I wanted you to say something. I mean, how pathetic is that? Sandy, I'm just a copper. It's not enough to offer someone like you. But I finally realized that it's all I *can* offer... The thought of being so far away without you, the thought of you not being in my life at all. It's not on. It's not on. Sandy, you've got to marry me. You've got to come to Canada with me. And, well, that's it, really. Sandy: For someone who doesn't say enough you did rather well. Harry: Well? Sandy: Harry, we can't get married! Harry: What? Sandy: *Here* I mean. If we're going to Canada this afternoon, we don't have time. Harry: Oh. Sandy: That is a yes, by the way. Harry: We'll get married in Calgary. Sandy: I've always wanted to get married in Calgary. Harry: I think I need to sit down. Sandy: Me too. So, what time do we need to be at Heathrow? Harry: Four. Sandy: Four? Oh, no! Harry: What are you doing? Sandy: Calling the pub for reinforcements.
Harry: I've just thought. I've only got one ticket! Jean Mary Pargetter: Lionel, what do we do? Lionel Hardcastle: Well, there's always standby. Alistair Deacon: (on his mobile) Hello? Gary Pearson please. Yes, I'm sure he is, just say the word Xanadu to him. (pause) Alistair Deacon: Gary, hi. Alistair Deacon here. Listen, I'm in warp drive. Your 6 o'clock flight to Calgary, fully booked? Do I have to say Xanadu again? Yeah, two. First class of course. One's an upgrade and the other? She's always been first class. OK, at the desk, great. So long, cowboy. (hangs up) Alistair Deacon: No probs. I mean it. No probs. Harry: Thanks, Alistair. I never thought I'd say this to you, but ... You're a mate. Alistair Deacon: That means one thing to me Harry. It's hug time.
Jean Mary Pargetter: Have you seen a green folder? Lionel Hardcastle: I suppose I must have at some point in my life. Jean Mary Pargetter: Oh, that's no help.
Judith 'Judy' Hanson: What is it you want ironed? Lionel Hardcastle: Nothing. Judith 'Judy' Hanson: No, not you. Sandy, what is it you want ironed?
Jean Mary Pargetter: (looking at Judy's empty wardrobe) I was just seeing what she'd left behind. Lionel Hardcastle: And I've taken up kickboxing.
Lionel Hardcastle: Why not turn the house into a home for wayward girls and be done with it? Jean Mary Pargetter: Don't be silly and unless you've forgotten, we've only got one spare room. Lionel Hardcastle: Which was Judy's. Which is what this is all about.